Am I wrong for being upset at my Mother-in-law for putting up a family portrait of my husband and his ex-wife?

Sheila S

Yes.....you have every right to be upset. It was very disrespectful on your mother-in-laws part. That part of his life is over. The pictures should be kept for the children but not put on display.

IGH3Rat

Have a nice picture of you and your husband taken and tehn give it to her for Christmas.

jmol72001

yep...that was her first family...and she has the right to do so...there is nothing wrong if she has a pic of u in the living room too

Deirdre O

By acting the way that you are you are reinforcing any negative opinions they may have of you. Why not put on a happy face and just ignore the pictures. You have this man in your life and causing problems with him and his family will not strengthen your relationship with him. Once the family gets to know and love you the pictures will come off the wall and yours will be the ones on display. I know sometimes that it is hard to bite the bullet when our pride is offended but this is the only way to make it work. Kill them with kindness. Good luck. I have been in your shoes and understand how hurt you must be but everything will work out if you ignore these jabs.

GoodQuestion

IMO your mom, after all you are of one flesh, could be politely asked to acknowledge the present and be a bit more creative as to the wonderful things that could be done with her pictures. That's a sticky situation because bottom line the pictures belong to your parents. Let's just say wouldn't it be great if she(usually the home decorator but not true in every case) actually gave them back to the both of you so you could put them in a scrapbook or make a picture quilt...anything creative to give to the children. In any case they should be preserved for the children.

Also, on a lighter note, pictures are taken of both of you starting from birth....it's part of life. Should we as parents think....oh no they've married first thing to be done is cut those pictures up starting with the first-date before our loving daughter-in-law calls us marriage wreckers. No no no.....find joy in your hubby's past...turn all records of his life into positive energy and I guarantee your marriage will shine. He asked for you hand didn't he - whether you like it or not all who he related to in the past actually posses beautiful traits within yourself that he found were magnified in you as his wife. That is why he asked for your hand. So, put your big eraser on Ebay and light up your marriage...God gave you free will to do so didn't he?

angelhart47

I can understand how it upsets you but there could be a number of reasons she did this and it doesn't mean because she hasn't welcomed you into the family. She could have grown close to his ex wife and just because his marriage ended with her doesn't mean it ended the relationship they feel towards her. I mean she does have pictures of you guys as well and she could have not put them up at all right? The pictures might be mainly for the kids from his first marriage. I wouldn't worry about it that much. You have him now and I'm sure she understands this. ;o)

Tina

Getting upset about it isn't going to do any body any good! I think you should respect the fact that he did have another wife, and that was a part of his past! My ex-boyfriend's mother has pictures of me and him together on her wall and he has been re-married since then. And I was never married to him. I don't think you should upset about it. And I think the suggestion about giving his mother a framed portrait of you and him for Christmas is a good idea. but I don't think there is anything wrong with your mother in law having an old picture of the ex-wife and family on her wall......I feel that it is petty of you to get upset about it life is too short to be getting upset and feuding over something so small as a picture.....let it go! And Enjoy YOUR life with him!

Mandy S

OOooooooooo.... I'm completely torn on this one.

My parents were married for years and years, and when they got divorced, my grandmother (dad's mom) and the rest of my dad's family took the attitude of "for this long, she's been a part of the family, we're not going to disown her now". Therefore, there are a lot of pictures of my mom with other family pictures.

Keep in mind, too, that your husband's ex, regardless of what he or anyone else in his family (or you) feel about her, she is the mother of your mother-in-law's grandchild, and it's wise for your mother-in-law to keep at LEAST a cordial relationship with her.

However, no one on my dad's side of the family is putting up NEW pictures of my mom, other than one that was just a really pretty picture on my sister's wedding day (my mom and us sisters). I don't think much of anyone (my dad and stepmom in particular) would feel that would be appropriate.

If your mother-in-law took the pictures down for a while with the intention of hanging them back up (like for moving, or cleaning, or repainting/wallpapering) then I don't think it's that offensive that the picture is up now. It might be awkward, though, and maybe your husband could mention it to her. If it's never been up the entire time you've known her, she may not be putting it up to upset you or anything, but it's probably not in great taste for her to put it up.

Consider that she may be putting pictures that she likes of her grandson, not her former daughter-in-law, up. I'm not trying to say you're wrong, because I would feel awkward, too, but I think you should start out giving her the benefit of the doubt.

You can talk to your husband about trying to talk to his mom about this issue, since it is valid, but don't demand it. He shouldn't have to be torn between three women (his mom, his ex, and you).

You can ask him to suggest that he and you and your stepson and any other children you may have in your new family get a portrait made, and ask that the one currently on the wall be replaced.

I will say that I don't think you should do the not-visiting-again thing, though. You don't know that she's even aware that it might have bothered you (sure, it's possible she figured you might, but it may not have even crossed her mind), and you may offend her more by refusing to visit unless all memories of the ex are removed from the premises.

I can't think of a nice way to say this that won't get you upset, so please know upfront that I am not trying to be rude. You don't have the right to force them to "let go". For eight years of marriage (and who knows how long of dating), your husband's ex was a part of their family, and it may be possible they came to care about her as a person and as a family member. Because he divorced her doesn't mean they have to cut her out of their lives, and unless they are vocal about a preference of her over you, you have no right to be offended that they still care about her. Like just about anyone else who is divorced (and especially someone with a child), your husband has some baggage, and when you chose to marry him, you chose to accept that and work through it. I think it would be wise for you to act more mature than you might feel like acting and accept your husband's family and his past with grace and dignity, rather than getting offended at everything and disliking everyone because they don't hate his ex.

As far as the pictures go, I think the picture of the ex and son on the shelf is fine. I think the picture on the fridge is maybe a little odd, but still fine. Suggest (don't demand) to your husband that you get a new family portrait (including his son) made and have him ask his mom if she'd consider taking down the giant pic of the ex because it makes you feel awkward.

thelaundryfairy

OMG I would be pissed. I can imagine if there are kids in a picture, that would be acceptable. It is time that your hubby tell her that she needs to move on from that part of his life. And, tell him that if he doesnt tell his mother, you will. It is going to be much better coming from him than you. But, if you have to, sit her down and tell her that it hurts your feelings that she has them up there. And, that you understand that you may be second in her eyes, but you are his wife, and you are his future. And, that you deserve the same amount of respect that the ex got. Obviously she wasnt all that, especially since they arent together anymore! I am sure that you have heard stories about what an evil witch she was to your hubby, remind Mom of some of those things, and remind her that it is disrespectful to you and her son. And, of course, smooth it over with a "I know you still care about her, and always will, but if you could at least remove them before we come over, that will reinforce that you support our marriage, and not wish that he was still with his ex". Good Luck trying not to slap the tar out of her!!! I would want to!

defender_90

That's just wrong and disrespectfull. talk to your husband..

Rosie

If there are children involved-yes. As long as the children are in the picture also. If they are not, I think it is disrespectful. She needs to have pictures with you included more.

Mindy K

Your mother in law had a relationship with that woman. They may have become friends. While you are her new daughter-in-law... you gain nothing by demanding that everyone in the family forget the other one. You will only increase stress in the family by fighting this battle. Let everyone learn to love you and appreciate your patience and understanding. Otherwise, you may win the battle (get the pictures of the ex down) but lose the war of being a welcome replacement for your mother in law's affections. Don't disrespect his family. They will learn to respect you if you give them time.

lilkitty4eva

I'd get upset too, That's not right, she should at least have a bit of respect for you, she may still like the ex but she needs to realize that your her daughter in law now and should respect you by removing those pictures, and as for your husband, idk whats up with that, you have issues with his mom nobody else from what i get, and its his moms fault, stay strong, things have their ways of working out

Gasman

Nope. I've been going through the same thing with my wife's mother. There's pics of them with the X all over the house, not one of me and my wife and child. You shouldn't bring your children around that either. It will confuse them. Your (monster-in-law) is doing that just to get under your skin, and let you know where you stand in (their) family. If his family doesn't respect you, then don't go around them. Screw um'. You're not married to them They sound like real trash to me.

robdent31

My mother in law would do something that stupid as well. You are right to be mad!

DidoDeeDee

Yes, sorry sweetie you are wrong on this one. I'm a pretty jealous freak but I don't get upset over photos. I actually have portraits of my husband, the kids, and his ex up in our (in MY) house. I don't want my husband or the children to think that I hate them, anyone they love, or that part of their lives.
We have this issue at my mom's house occasionally because she loves pictures, loves the history of our family, and sometimes loves the ex's. No matter how much it is hinted at or even demanded she refuses to pull down the old photos and I support her. It is her home, her photos, her history, and her relationships. It is just pictures and everyone should remember that.
If there truly is no jealousy or insecurity here then it would not be an issue. You would think, "Hmm. Well that's not very appropriate," and that would be that. It would not be mentioned to your husband let alone wrote about on Yahoo Answers. (Unless you are an individual that is very hard to live with and expects perfection from those around you.) You would react very much like she had farted at a tea party. Maybe you'd mention it... cause it was funny. But you wouldn't ask, "Am I wrong for being upset?"
Honey, take it from someone that's been jealous a time or two (yikes what an understatement!) you're jealous.
Now the real question here is what to do with the jealousy, and on that one I can help you. Believe me I battle this demon (and demon it is) on a near daily basis.
*First you have to admit that it makes you jealous.
*Then you have to think about it and see what causes it.
Maybe it is because you don't like to see the lady with your husband, maybe it's because you want to be loved and accepted more (or feel loved and accepted more) by the in-laws. Think about it long and hard.
*Thirdly you must remember that jealousy is a wicked thing. The apostle Paul did say at least one thing that was profound and insightful, and I use his words to combat jealousy.
The words are a miracle:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
*Fourthly you must decide to either love your husband's mother (and accept her as she is) or to not love her. I reccommend loving her as it will make life with your husband much more possible. You need all the weapons you can toward the positive things in life. The odds are against you and divorce may get you anyway. Stack the deck in your favor if you want a life with this man.
*Then fight the demon. Print out Paul's words of love and read them every day. I hung a printout on the inside of my bathroom mirror and I read it every time I brush my teeth. It sounded like a hoaky idea but it worked! I am amazed at how much better I am at loving people now. And it has spread to all the people in my life. I am better at loving my husband, my trying children, my difficult mother. I highly reccommend that you at least try this.
*Finally take action as it is warranted. If you can't tolerate looking at the photo then sit down and have a heart to heart with the mom-in-law. Be apologetic but explain your situation. Ask if she would consider taking it down, just for a bit, while you get control of your emotions. I am sure this approach would work with my mom, but if that fails for you and you still can't take looking at it without being angry at your mom-in-law (or someone else) then try other actions. Try limiting visits, try quietly (without drawing attention to your actions) staying out of that room when you go to her home, or inviting her to your house instead. And I do love the idea of having a new portrait done for the mom-in-law. If you include the child that is in the other photo then you could give it to her unframed and hope she would put it over the other one, but the best and most loving gesture would be to frame it. This would show a great and gentle love and a true acceptance of the past.

Jen

Well if he didn't have children with his first wife it would be diffeent, but he does and I am sure that the son would feel bad if all of a sudden he didn't see pictures of his mom up there. She was the 1st wife and was apart of that family for such a long time.
but at the same time I can see where you were coming from but I had a kinda similar experience, My MIL didn't put up any of our wedding pics yet she has pics of her best friends daughters weding all over the house and of her best friends grandkids.......at first it really pissed me off cause I was offended. My MIL has 3 kids and out of the 3 my husband is the only one that is married and she had no pics of him.........but all it did was cause problems between us and I think that that is what she wanted....so now that i don't give a **** cause i think she is the one that looks like an *** when people come over and see her friends pictures up and not of her own son......well anyway, not that I can careless is when she has them up all over the place lol I find it pretty amusing actually cause she didn't get what she wanted, for us to fight lol but I know her only daughter will be getting married soon and my wedding pictures will soon be lost because she will have her daughters pictures all over the place, but who cares...

Rachel

It's not very nice of his mother to continue having those pictures around, especially since he is now married to you. She has every right to keep them, but they shouldn't be displayed. I'm not sure what you can do to resolve this, other then maybe have a talk with your mother in law and simply tell her how you feel. The problem is, it's her house.

Lotus

What a nightmare of a mother-in-law! I feel for you! You are absolutely right to refuse to go to her house when she is so blatantly disrespecting you. She's doing that $hit on purpose. She knows it, you know it, and your husband knows it. He needs to talk to her and tell her to take all that crap down if he wants you guys to visit. And he needs to be on your side in this. You should all boycott her house until she can show respect for you and your family.

hippie_chick69love

I would be upset too if she just put them up. that is very rude and disrespectful to you she should have known better. I think she is just trying to cause problems between you and ur husband. don't let her stupidity break the 2 of you up. I wouldn't go anymore either though.

LLBean

Umm...yeah.......you have every right to be upset. Now if it was a picture of the ex and the grandchild.....there's nothing you can do but of the ex and your husband, that is being tactless and cruel and disrespectful to you.

Jennifer Lu22

It's her house, her choice on photos. Your husbands child is also in the picture, what is so wrong about that child being able to look at the photo and remember both parents together? My children have photos of their father and I and them in the house -- we have been seperated for 4 years. I am remarried and there is no big deal.

Nile Queen

Pls dearier, If you get mad at her -SHE'S GOT YOU WHERE SHE WANTED!!. If you dont get mad then she looses. Just go to her house and comment how beautiful the pic is and leave it at that. Dont look at it again or comment. Nasty pple get soo excited when they get out a reaction from others. DONT GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION!! YOU GOT THE MAN!!!

phil w

get mad???? GET PISSED! oh wait ....you alraedy are! It's wrong and you should tell, not for your sake but the sake of the kids!

Bert

That's rude of her I think. She can have these pictures up because it's her house but if it was me I would take them down if I knew you were coming over.

sexy pumkin

losen up lady

sbbbored

well i would be very offended and then ahgry but i dont know what has happen between you and his family so i cant say why they treating you this way sometimes you can control what goes on around you just yourself show them you the bigger person

elgil

That's her house and she has the right to do whatever she wants in it. You sound insecure.

pendleton4068

YOU DON;T LIVE THERE GET OVER IT

Caz

absolutely not that was a really spiteful thing to do and your husband should be on your side. how can he be comfortable looking at photos of him and his ex in his mums house when you're there?? i would refuse to visit anymore until the photo's are taken down. If your mother in law has a problem call her and tell her you dont appreciate being ridiculed and you are no longer comfortable being there anymore. she realy is very spiteful, your husband is an idiot if he cant see your point of view.

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