Am i a bad person for thinking of him like this at times? PLEASE MATURE ANSWERS!?

I am a 24 year old girl living in the U.S i am originally from Colombia and and from a Colombia-Irish family. My mom & i moved back to the U.S when i was 15 but ended up going back home. I am with my partner since i was 16 and am engaged and i love him dearly. He was part of a very dangerous gang back home and i ended up leaving him as i could live with it anymore, He joined & was talked into the gang life when he was 10 years old so it was all he knew, He is now 3 years away from that lifestyle, He left so we could be together. We are both living in New Jersey near my family as my parents split and have jobs etc. I finally got myself a really good job. I still go back to Colombia to see my dad, but my partner cant come with me as he is a 'marked' man there. Sometimes at night he will wake up with nightmares from his past and what he has done, i just wish he could forget it all. He had so much hatred back there and lost control of his life to the gang. I feel terrible sometimes when i look at him and see him as an ex murderer that he was & whatever else he did but i now see how changed he is, going to church etc. I hate myself for thinking like that as i adore him. What would be the best thing for us to do? Any advice would be great & please don't judge me, Thank you.

WACVET75

How wonderful it is that the two of you are making it. Going to church and trying to lead good healthy lives both mentally and physically. Your husband need to have some one he can talk to besides you about what has happened in his past. Someone who won't condemn him as you said he was brought into the gang life before he understood anything about life in general. That why he still has the nightmares and all. Check into the places that help the kids in your area stay off the drugs and out of gangs. They should be able to refer him to someone he can talk with. I know it must be hard for you too so don't be afraid to seek help if you feel you need it to. Putting the past to rest it hard. I heard one young man say he sat down and wrote everything he could remember about his time in a gang, and it was very bad. He said her wrote two notebooks full, once he was done he went out to the bar-b-cue pit and soaked the notebooks with starter and he prayed and asked God to take the memories from him or make it so they didn't haunt him all the time. He said when he lit them it was like someone took a heavy load off of him and he no longer has nightmares. Maybe that would help your husband too. I wish you both luck and we will put the two of you on our prayer list.

Happy-2

You mention church, and I think your answer is there. Don't you believe that God forgives even the worst of sins? If you are a Christian, then you should believe that our sins are washed away by the blood of Christ. Your husband, if he has asked for forgiveness, has been forgiven by God. Who are you to hold a grudge that God Himself has forgiven? You should pray about this.

smiley

firstly dont try to change him to suit your desires, he has changed alot just for him to be with you, i suggest he needs to go to counseling in order for him to regain his confidence in life, nothing you say or do will ease his past. people do things in their life not becos they wanted to but provoked to do so. i think he has come really far now to turn back.. he needs all the support, he definitely needs help..
if you love him look at him as your lover and not what he has done in his passed. live for now be there for him , omfort him talk to him show him that you love him and he can count on you no matter what. Aslong as it is not in an abusive relationship.

maree

You can't do anything so looking back won't help the situation. You have to look forward to creating a new life that makes up for the past and stay away from his old life. You know who he is so you have to accept it and help him be a better person without judgment.

ouragon

It's nice that you're so forgiving. Of murder, I'm not. I don't pretend to know what life was like in Colombia, and I suspect it was unfathomable to the average American, but I don't see how you could forget all he's done. If you could, I'd think there was something wrong with you.

Salacious Crumb

i have given up trying to count how many times you've asked this.

Piggy

Everyone has stuff in their past they aren't proud of. You'd expect him to forgive you and love you for your mistakes, and it sounds like he truly is a changed man. Live for the future and bury the past.

Loose50

It seems like he is on the right path. You can't expect those feelings you are having to just go away over night though.

It is not easy to forget his past and you probably never will, but focus on the good he is doing now and in time you will see him with "new eyes".

Pet

people can change, i don't care what anyone says, my husband and i did nothing but party party party all day and night before i got pregnant and bam! we are pretty straight edge now, a few beers and glasses of wine now and again, and i still like a little greenery here and there.. he's in the army and i'm a well behaved army wife. :)
anyways, stay away from dangerous places and people who continue to judge your man, if you love him and he truly has changed, who cares? of course you're going to wish things had been different for him, i'm sure he feels the same way. that is normal, nothing and nobody can change the past, be happy in the present, it's a gift, that's why they call it the present. good luck

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