Arranged marriage? what do you think about it?

my parents are going this winter to find me a match in India, i am torn to bits because of this, i don't have anyone in mind to be with, nor am i too excited or ready for marriage, my father is very strict and wants me to get married no later than 23. he has strict beliefs and values and my parents don't want me to marry out of the race, their racist views has lead me to have racist views towards my own race, and so therefore i have become racist towards Indian men and am repulsed by them, not because of them but i think because of my father, i don't want a husband like my father. i am torn apart inside and don't know what to do, i want to make my parents happy and i don't want to lose my family over my choice in whom i want to marry but i was born in America and am naturally more attracted to men around here, i told my parents i will go with whom ever they chose, just so i don't make them mad and lose my family over what i want, but i know if i do go along with it i will live in misery, and the marriage won't be happy, what do i do? am i over-reacting? P.S i had dated behind my parents back for 2 years with someone whom i fell in love with, but the relationship has ended because i chose family over him. and i started dating because i was stressed with this arranged marriage thing that was put on me at such a young age, i wanted to go out and find someone for myself. but now its more than a year and my parents are doing this to me. what do i do?
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btw i am 20. i started dating at 17.

Rubella

Well, it seems they've already booked and paid for the trip, so I don't know if there's much you CAN do.

You're supposed to have until 23 to get married. If they marry you before those 3 years are up, then they have gone back on their promise/agreement/whatever.

Is there no deal you can make? Can you possibly ask them to give you another 3 years? At the end of those years, THEN they can marry you.

I know this is hard, but if you truly want to be happy, you're going to have defy your family. No good parent wants to see their child be miserable for their lives, let alone be the cause of that misery. If they really care about you, they will allow you the next three years to choose who you'll marry. And they'll understand if you don't choose an Indian man.

You live in America, a place where racism is illegal.

All of this comes down to two things:

1. Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness for your family's, even though they don't seem to care about yours?

2. Are you able to support yourself financially if you decide not to marry the man they choose?

I think you can guess what I think you should do. Another option is to get to know whichever man your parents find over there. You might discover that you really like him! You two could end up being really good friends. Maybe you'll even learn to love him. : ) But I personally think you should put your own needs before theirs. It wouldn't be selfish.

This is your whole future, you're talking about. Don't ruin it for people you'll hardly see once you ARE married, and who may not understand just how strongly you feel about this.

I'm sorry you're faced with this decision. I hope you're happy with whatever you decide to do.

Janice!!!!!!!!!!

dont do it, find someone you love!

standingeagle

Monica,
The question isn't what we think of arranged marriages, the question is what you should do?
And there is no easy answer to this, you have a collision of cultures, on one hand your parents wanted to give you a better life in the States, but on the other hand they wanted to maintain the same cultural tenants that they had back home. That would be fine if they were making decisions for themselves, but they want to make this decision for you. If they were going to do that they should have stayed in India. It's important to realize that even in India the arranged marriage is viewed as an option but not necessarily the only option.
I think you need to talk to your mother then to your father, explain that you love and respect your parents, but you do not have the same feeling for Indian men and would prefer to meet your future husband in a time tested and proven fashion, when your best mate introduces you to him at a dinner party.
It is not a reflection on your father at all it is just a choice you wnat ot make for yourself, and it would be one that would be much better if you could get your parents approval when the time comes.

Why would you want to relegate yourself to a life of misery with someone you don't love, don't respect and don't even like. How long do you think tat marriage is going to last?

you need to be realistic, and so do your parents you were raised in the States no in india so the old rules will need to be adjusted to fit.

I know this isn't going to be east for you, and I do hope it works out for you, I hate to see marriages fail, but I hate seeing them set up to fail even more.
I have a gentlemen that I work with who grew up in India, and when it came time for him to get married, He found his wife on the internet in Brasil, he traveled to Brasil and married her, and now they live in New Zealand and are quite happy, and his parents are ok with it, of course they would have prefered a different out come but they aren't prepared to loose thier son to old tradition that is erroding away anyway. Some times we have to make toght choices, but why would anyone choose anything over there kids?

I hope you do find an answer to this that will work for you and your parents.

Best wishes

Accountants â™¥ Double-Entry

This is a difficult question to answer because it is much about a culture I know little about. I want to tell you that you should make your own choices...but I also know that you want to respect your father's wishes & the tradition of your culture. The only thing that I can tell you is that marriage is difficult enough when you have someone that you are completely in love with...getting married young adds to that. So, I couldn't imagine having a happy marriage with someone I barely knew. However, I may have a completely different idea of a happy marriage. I have been happily married for 11 years (since I was 18). I still get excited when I see him walk through the door. He still has eyes for only me in a crowded room. We laugh & play together with our 4 children. We comfort each other in our times of need. We look forward to growing old together. I couldn't settle for anything less than that. I also have many friends who are in arranged marriages...some are very happy & some just live together...no real affection for another. You need to really think about what is most important to you...your freedom? Your family? Culture? Love? Which could you not live without? I wish you the best of luck.

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