As I was watching American Idol tonight my wife?

tells me she wants to tell me something. She said 3 months before we met she had an abortion. We met in August of 2007..In Nov of 2008 we were married & had our 1st child recently.

She tried to brush it off as nothing but I feel hurt, offended, upset that she didn't tell me this. I didn't think she was "with" this other guy nor would I of thought that I'd be married to someone who had this procedure done. Its totally wrong! She asked me earlier if I'd change my mind in marrying her if this would have been known. I told her no, but the more I think about it..yes. She said "What did you want me to say that I had a abortion done 3 months ago? Granted that isn't something you say on a 1st date, but you tell your future husband before you get married! She had been with the guy for several months when it happend & told me one of the reasons why she had it done is that she wanted the father involved and he wasn't going to be involved.

This whole this has me Pi**ed off..I can't sleep. Do I have a right to be upset? What should I say?
Additional Details
They way I look at this is if someone is drinking and driving, plows into a pregnant mother who is say 4 months along and he kills the baby--he will be charged. If someone gets an abortion, nothing happends to them. How fair is that?

Allison

I can certainly understand your hurt feelings and anger. This is a significant part of her life that she has kept hidden from you. I do know, though, that having an abortion is a traumatic experience for most women. She will be coping with that trauma for the rest of her life, and is probably only now healing to the point that she is able to speak to anyone about it.

Of course this is something that you would hope she would have shared before you married. And maybe you would have made a different decision about the marriage. But here you are.

I suggest counseling. This is something serious that can be worked through, you just need to spend the time doing so. Good luck.

Paul

I think your 1st child brought up a lot of emotions regarding her abortion. Emotionally, it's a tough thing to have an abortion - being pregnant is a big deal. She might have feelings of guilt, might be wondering what the first baby might have looked like, etc. She feels bad, and she probably needs a lot of TLC right now. My advice is to comfort her for now, try not to be too harsh, and try to see things from her side. Down the road, you can pursue the issue of this secret that she's kept. This is a tough one - maybe try not to rush to a decision?

Siggi

Yes you do have a right to be upset, there should be trust in a marriage but take this advise go easy on your partner because down deep she is emotionally scared because she had this proceedure and if not now it will hit her sometime later and she will be filled with regret. Dont leave her but it's something that needs to be discussed abortions in my opinion are wrong. I've been under a similar situation and realize in my partner the scars run very deep when it comes to aborting a child and that is something a man will never understand. Be patient my friend and work through it

life goes on

it was her own decision at that time .
she just felt she had to be honest with you,
at least she didn;t keep secrets from you

leslie k

If you never had to chose the answer would be easy. It was not an easy choice for her. I thank god I was married when I had both my girls. We all have a past and not all everything comes out. Would you have dated her if she was pregnant with another mans child? The secret my husband had to tell me was three and a half years before we met his car was stolen! Not the same but still a secret... he had california highway patrol call to say they recovered the car, 5 years later. I never had an abortion, but I thank god I was never put in a position to where I would need to choose. Love your wife, it is harder on her than you know.

Starlet

Yes, you have every right to be pissed with her. She totally lied to you. By omitting an important piece of information like that, yes, she lied.

You guys need to talk this one out.

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