At what point do I stop allowing my husband to obsess over an affair?

I had an affair that my husband found out about in January, just a week after I ended it. He asked me if I had slept with this person, and I told him only once. Then, a few days later, I came clean and told him it had been 3 times. I feel truly terrible for what I've done, and I want to do everything in my power to rebuild my marriage.
Since then, I have given my husband full access to my phone, email, etc. I call him or text him constantly while i'm away to assure him I am doing the right thing and thinking about him. I even let him come to my work and check my computer there.
My husband has become absolutely obsessed with tracking everything I do. He still feels very un-trusting (understandably) and has pretty much stopped everything he was doing in his life to obsess about this. He says he checks my email, facebook, phone records, etc non-stop throughout the day. He is in school, and he dropped out of several classes because this obsession was interfering with his ability to do school work.
I have been trying to be very supportive and understanding, but it has gotten to the point where he is in a deep depression. He has slept all day for the past 2 days and just seems to have lost all will to move on. At what point do I tell him he can't check my email anymore?? I don't mind him checking. I have nothing to hide. But I feel like it's hurting more than it's helping!
What do I do?????
Additional Details
UPDATE: to those of you who say I deserve this...It's not about him checking behind me. He can do that for the rest of our lives together if he wants! it's about how all this checking is making his anxiety even worse. I'm not worried about me. I do deserve this. I'm worried about HIM!

welsh mamma

my hubby had an affair a few yrs ago, and for a long time i checked his wallet, emails phone, mileage on his car, i drove my self insane. then i suggested marriage counselling, we went for 6 months and it helped a lot, obviously trust is going to be the main issue, but if you still love each other it is possible to work things out. me and other half been together 8yrs now. i had to learn to trust again, but it is all down to the one thing do you still love each other, if you do you can work past this. good luck i hope it works out.

dr schmitty

"I have been trying to be very supportive and understanding"

uhhh....."supportive" would be not f'ing around in the first place, no offense.

how long would you be able to "obsess" if the shoe were on the other foot?

Sarafina

You do what you need to do to repair this.

You did the crime, now do the time.

Your husband is suffering. You need to help him in any way you can.

magoo

You're the one who had an affair and now you want to be the one who decides when your spouse should trust you now? Are you serious?

News flash: You don't get to decide when he's grieved enough or when he's ready to trust you again.

It sounds like your affair wounded him much more deeply than you thought it would. The saddest thing is, apparently, YOU STILL DON'T GET IT.

Have the two of you sat down, so that he can tell you exactly how deeply you hurt him? That conversation needs to happen at some point, though by the sound of it, he's not ready to verbalize all of that yet.

He needs to talk to a pastor or counselor, someone who is a skilled active listener and can help him get all that crud out and put words to it.

For you, if you really want to heal and renew your marriage, then you need to know that unless and until you fully grasp how much damage your choices and affair have done and your spouse believes you finally "get it", trust will not and cannot be rebuilt.

Counseling would be an excellent investment for both of you. He needs to learn how to get the pain out, put words to it, express himself effectively, the process of forgiveness and effective communication. You need to learn empathy, compassion, effective communication.

Eric G

You deserve it.....Deal with it

sheloves_dablues

You don't have the authority to "allow" him to obsess or not.

You cheated on him. He will obsess over it until he's done obsessing over it.

1-Confused-man

Nothing you can do at this moment. He is the victim and he needed to find his answer. At least he still wanted to be with you and i guess care about you. Otherwise, why bother ck'g your logs? I finally stopped after more than a year. What make me stop is I don't care about her anymore. Once the trust is broken, it's hard to repair or replace. Good Luck!!

Jim

once a cheater,always a cheater.Leave him now so you don't hurt him again.If you of been out drinking and let that happen once then maybe you could fix it but 3 times,your not worth the pain you cause

Nadia

Some people don't realize the severity of mistrust and infidelity. The emotional pain runs so deep. When you've never been cheated on, you cannot understand how it feels. I know this from personal experience.....I've been the one cheated on.

You, on one hand, seem to be doing what my husband didn't. And that is to try and make up for the damage. Good on you.

For now, I would back off and give him space but ALL THE WHILE remain "close" to him emotionally by giving him the support he needs. It's tough and I can only imagine how tough it can be on a guy. Continue to do the little things for him to show your support. It'll pay off in the end. It might be a while but it'll certainly pay off.

Telling him to stop won't help solve anything--he'll just assume you said it because you're hiding something. Instead, you should get couples counseling together--your husband is in desperate need of it.

riyis

well, obviously he does not trust you anymore...
but he needs to go to therapy.. because he needs to understand he is not going to regain it by checking on you 100 times a day.. he needs Professional help.. and by the way.. telling him to stop checking your mail at this point will just kill him.. don't do it but get him some help.... and PRONTO!!!

Msdeb gee

YOUR LUCKY! MOST MEN WOULD HAVE THROUGHT U TO THE CURB CHEATING IS NOT SOMETHING U GET OVER! FROM WERE I SIT U NEED TO TALK TO HI ABOUT TAKING CARE OF HIS HEALTH BUT HIM CHECKING UP WHILE U DO KNOW THAT ITS A LIFE TIME THING NOW U BROKE THE TRUST BETWEEN U WHEN U BROUGHT THIS MAN IN YOUR MARRIAGE MY SON JUST DIVORCE HIS WIFE FOR THE SAME THING CEAHTING IS NOT SOMETHING MOST PP,L CAN FOR GET THEY MAY FORGIVE BUT FORGETTING IS NOT USUALLY POSSIBLE !

nodumgys

you dont "allow" someone else to obsess. thats an individual process that you have no controll of. actually, just the fact that you phrased it that way slightly colors my opinion of you.
anyway,, i get the feeling this relationship may recover, but i doubt it will go the distance.

~ok then, sure, change your passwords. that will stop his obsessing.

bride2be

if it is affecting him this much you need to leave for a while and let him work this out on his own. tell him why you're leaving and get into couples counseling because it is not healthy for either of you, sometimes just the space will fix it and sometimes there is nothing to do but, go separate ways even though you love him The way it looks if he is that depressed, you are doing more harm than good as you are now Get help Professional help before it is too late

Good Luck

eldots53

He may need some professional intervention. This seems like a mental health issue, and obsessions are treatable. I would suggest that he see a doctor for the OCD, and you two need to see a counselor together. Don't make any decisions about cutting off the checking until you have done these things.

Krystoff

It's his problem now. He can either get over it, or not. When is enough, enough?

Look for signs of danger, and then stay the heck away if you see it.. It might not be salvageable.

He seems unhinged.You might find out that this guy is psycho and this whole thing is a very valuable lesson.

It is an intelligent decision call on your part.

Actually, I changed my mind. If he checks up with you that much (at work), then the guy is nuts, immature, and has a potential for violence.

Either way, yes, you did wrong, but that is no life either of you are living. Be cool. Maybe this is nature's way of saying something's wrong with you all.

PS -he's depressed because his ego has gone in the toilet. Is he controlling? He has a low self-esteem, and that's poison. He needs to change.

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