Can a cheater change?

joyh

Everyone is capable of making horrible choices. They can also learn from those terrible choices and never repeat the behavior again. He will have to deal with the consequences of his behavior and the damage he created. You cannot just sweep this under the rug. Go to that counselor, you might end up trying more than one. Not all counselors have the goal of trying to rebuild the marriage. If the counselor tells you to just 'forgive and forget', then you need to find another counselor, that is no way to really solve the problem.

Marriages can and do survive this kind of trauma. But, it will take lots of effort from both of you. Take your time and make your boundaries very clear. You have children together and need to find a healthy way to deal with all of this.

Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
â€œSurviving an affairâ€ by Dr. W. Harley
â€œAfter the Affairâ€ by Springs

A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html

A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/

An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

GCOP

I think if you let him get away with it, he will do it again. He needs to know what he almost lost and make it clear that you dont have to take this from him. Lay down the law, listen to your insticts and always pick up on red flags!!! Good luck!!

Happy-2

You'll get a lot of people telling you, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," but the people they're probably talking about is themselves. I cheated on my wife about 10 years ago. Once. When I saw the emotional devastation it put my wife through, I made a lot of changes in myself and became much more mature. I don't think it's probably common, but it absolutely is possible to screw up just once and never repeat the error. I am living proof.

Later edit: I'm with you on disagreeing with splash that you are partly responsible. When I cheated on my wife, it was *all* my fault, none hers. My cheating was directly due to a deep character flaw within me, an addiction to lust that overcame my good sense when the other woman came on to me. My wife didn't do anything wrong, did not withold love or affection, was not a nag, etc., etc. She was blameless.

mrskerlin

I think that a one time thing can be a one time thing and I have a friend whose husband cheated and she caught him and they've had a great relationship since. But once they've cheated there's also a greater chance that it will happen again... I think it depends most on how you all deal with it...

patty k

Nothing is impossible!

redpeach_mi

i do believe in giving a person a second chance. people are human and make mistakes. however, if he does it again, that's not a mistake, it's a habit.

splashdesign238

Anything is possible. We are currently working with a coupe who has gone through infidelity. They are overcoming tremendous obstacles, and now have an incredible testimony for others such as yourself.

Yes, someone who is unfaithful can stop being unfaithful.

HOWEVER, in our experience, it is very clear that when one spouse commits adultery, the other spouse (you) is not without blame. A marriage is succeeds or fails because of both parties, not just one.

We know without doubt that there are many, many issues that the faithful spouse has either done or "not" done to help in the problem.

So, if you're honest with yourself, you won't point the finger solely at your husband, but do some soul searching to see what part you could have played the mess up, and how you could either help the situation or play a role in the solution of a broken marriage restored.

Make it work!

Nandina (Bunny Slipper Goddess)

It's possible, but it's not common. If he is genuinely sorry and will do what's needed to change, then there's a good chance, but you guys need to communicate.

We survived infidelity in our relationship - it took two years of hell to regain the trust, but it was worth it in the long run.

Rick46

He can change if he is truly sorry. I have found that the best way to avoid any situation that may lead to an affair is to think about the person I love more than anyone else, my wife. He has to want to change and not put himself in tempting situations. You 2 have too much invested (15 years and children) to give up on him. I think if her were a habitual cheater then there would be no chance, but if he only cheated once, maybe he sees the error of his ways and can reform.

Catherine G

ya know..i just posted a question like this a few minutes ago. mine never said it was a mistake. and didn't beg. 15 yrs is a long time to spend with someone just to make a rash decision.

kisses

i dont know the right answer but i want to believe that someone could just make a mistake..... i have been with my husband 10 years only married for 2 though. we are both 25, so we have been together since we were children... i found out in feb of this year from the other woman that he had an affair.. she said he didnt love her never told her that and that she was telling me just because she felt like it, basicall i was dealing with a crazy person for the next 2 months.. she did not want any contact with him, but she stalked me like crazy, called my job, hacked my email. it was nuts.. so not only did i have to deal with the hurt of the affair i had to deal with a stalker.. she was so strange, calling me and leaving messages of what they did and then calling me and telling me it never happened and she is sorry for causing me hurt.. i was about to lose my mind so i thought why the hell should i try to forgive, this is just to hard. but i stuck it out, it was not easy, its still not easy. my husband never admitted to the affair, he just admitted to talking to the crazy woman on the phone. we also were going throught problems at the time. he quit his job cause she worked there without me asking him to, he works so hard to gain my trust back, he doesnt leave the house without me, calls me on every break and lunch. i dont hassle him , i have become to withdrawn to deal with that. its been 10 months of hell and now i when i look at our family and how much my husband and i have grown together. i can see now how much better our marriage is than before the affair. we are more considerate of eachothers feelings at all times, we enjoy eachother more, and at night when i hold him and he holds me i am thankful for my family and my husband. we are ready to move forward now and are planning on another baby...i dont know if he will ever cheat again, or if i will ever cheat or if i leave him if the next guy i am with will cheat. but i do know that i am enjoying our life together, that he is so good to me and he is a wonderful father and provider. and i know i will never find anyone that would replace the love i have for him, even though he did cheat. you will go through so many emotional changes, one day you will love him and the next you will want him dead. dealing with the hurt is a process, but you will come out as a stronger person in the end.. he loves you, he wants to be with you or he would have left you... you may not ever forget but you can work on your marriage and become a stronger family. you can affair proof your marriage but it will take a lot of work on both your parts. you dont know what will happen in the future but is your family and the life you built worth the risk. i am happy now, and i am not sure of what the future holds.. so i know you will eventually be happy again and stronger to. remeber your worth and make sure he understands the hurt he has put you through...and whatever you do once you decide to forgive, dont dwell on what happened it will eat you alive.... and just a small fact for you.. of my 10 girlfriends only 1 has not experienced there husband having an affair, sometimes some men (not all) but most are weak and when they are having a hard time at home and then they go to work and there are relentless females that want what you have, and they will basically hand themselves out on a platter.. it is hard for a man to resist. it is not the other womans fault but i am telling you i know women personally that go after married men. so make sure you try to understand why and how it happened. and think twice before you nag about something silly like him being lazy or something like that. cause there are so much worse things that he could be doing.. not saying you do but that was a lesson i learned for sure.. sorry to write you a book but when i fist started dealing with this i looked for as much advice as i could get....

eeyore6838

Hunny, sometimes people can change, my question is this, did he show remorse,not that you found out,but about what he had done to you and the relationship???? I can tell by your words you don't believe him, so hunny its heart of hearts time, look hard, and you'll find your answer. Good Luck

Look Away, I'm Hideous

If you trust him, give him another chance. If not, it probably will be too much for you to deal with. Go see a counselor together, and try to work it out.

answergirl

There have been husbands that they do that...have one affair and then go on to be only with their wives....but so many men...whether they are married or not are very much only into themselves....and like women and if one comes along that they like....they might have another affair with another woman...

.....for me...I have a real problem with guys that lie and cheat....and it is so hard to tell if once they lie or cheat if they will do it again...and with the health issues of them being with other women and with love and feelings....and with kids.....

...only you can decide what is best for you.....

...I think it always depends on the people involved and how they treat each other.....like if you are completely happy with your husband and living with him and he treats you and your children well...could stay married....
if on the other hand he has not been there for you and does not give you all the love and attention you need to be happy....and if it is good for the kids to divorce.....divorce or get a separation.....but that is a issue too....like my sister would have left her husband if she had more money....but didn't because she didn't want to live in a apartment....he didn't cheat on her...but she didn't feel in love with him...and also she has one child....so many things to think about...

45 auto

Cheaters change partners>Will you be able to face him hold him knowing he was with outers>???Forgive maybe forget never>>>Your call>

jstchel

Because you have kids it makes it so complicated. But how can you trust him again? If you trust him and said you forgive him, he might think if he does it again you'll forgive him and it goes on forever. Make him prove himself and work for your trust if you think he can change

Liz

I think couples have recovered from cheating and gone on to rediscover the happiness they once had, but only with professional counselling. Simply him saying: "oh, oops, sorry, made a mistake" and you saying: "sure, honey, I forgive you" is not going to put this major breach of trust behind you. If you want to know whether he is serious about rebuilding your relationship or whether he's a serial cheater, tell him you want him and yourself to go to couples counselling together. If he agrees, you can take that as a sign that he is genuine in his efforts to do whatever it takes to save the relationship. If he won't go with you, he has no intentions of mending his ways and all his "sorry, it will never happen again" has just been so much smoke blown in your face.

Floridagirl

I believe people can actually change. I'm not one who believes in the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater." Everyone deserves a second chance and especially if the two of you have children together, you should try to make it work. If you truely believe that he will never do it again and you think he is being completely honest when he says that he will never hurt you like that again, I say, go for it. For better or worse.....remember. I think you should, however, give it some time before you take him back though. You need to show him that you are serious and that it really hurt you. Maybe he will realize his mistakes even more. Anyway, hope this helps!

Mr nice guy 2U

I think
like a dog returns to its own vomit
cheat once in time it will happen again unless when it happened, he came to you sorry about it. If he never told you, yeah, he will do it again.

kittenthemagician

well, if a person really wants to change they will. trust me on that. so it really depends on your hubby. if he loves u and is commted to you he will change. i cheated on my hubby once and have never done it again, it has been 5 years and we are very happy

Marina

I think it's possible that he'll never do it again, however I also believe it's possible that the marriage is over even when people do stay together after an affair. Marriage is built on trust, love, fidelity, etc and he has violated each and every one of those things. What do you have now? How do you trust again and love him in the same way? You can't.....or can you? It takes a STRONG and incredibly open person to accept an affair and truly forgive to the point where they never even have a seed of doubt in their mind ever again. Are you that person? See, this really isn't about him anymore---it's about you. You know what he's capable of....are you capable of getting past it and trusting that he will never do it again when you trusted that it would never cross his mind in the first place? I don't know......

Barbara S

I honestly think yes but he will have to earn your trust again. If if he is serious he will not mind doing what ever it is to earn you trust. It will take time but if you BOTH want to make the relationship work it can be done.

Vitaliy D

Honesly it depends on the guy, you have to undertand some people make mistake and learn from eat, meaing they will never cheat, but other not like that, they get addicted and want more.

lili

the odds of him cheating again are very high but that doesnt mean he will do it again if you love hime and want to forgive him it is going to take alot of work to make the relationship last but its your choice if he is worth all the hard work

faith

I think that once they get away with it the first time it makes the next time even easier. My big thing would be that I would never trust him again. It would always be in the back of my mind. If he was late coming home or didn't answer the phone...situations like that would get me to thinking that he is cheating again. For me, I can't live that way. I have to be able to trust my husband and if he cheats, then the trust is gone. This is just how I feel about cheating. If you really want to work this out you have to forgive him...........but can you forget?????

grneyedgrly

There's always the cliche statement, "Once a cheater..etc..". I don't know if that's true or not. Call me optimistic but I'm one who believes people CAN change,,,HOWEVER there are FAR AND FEW who really do, and stay that way. It pretty much comes down to you. You need to make a choice. Can you forgive him? I won't say forget because nobody ever forgets an experience like this. It's prob one of the most painful things a spouse can go through. I understand that you have children so if it's something that you feel you can whole heartedly forgive and get past, then do it. Don't be a person who stays for the children but is really miserable. The children will catch on, and what do you do when they're all out of the house? THEN try moving on when you're best years are gone? Stick with therapy. See where that takes you and if after several weeks of going you don't feel you can stay in this marriage then end it. Don't feel guilty HE should feel guilty for making a costly mistake. And you are absolutely right. You should not be in a relationship where you're checking up on your husband. Nobody wants that. Your husband f*cked off the trust, now whatever consequences follow will be on his shoulders.

Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

Pyrokid

it's hard because it's hard with kids you don't want to screw up their life with a divorce but he still doesn't deserve you.You could try being distant to him for a bit. Spend less time with him and sleep in different beds. If he seems bothered about this he still loves you. If it doesn't seem to bother him then he only wants you like a toy. No woman should ever have to go through this though because no respectable man will ever cheat on his wife.

Miss Parker

Some can change, but I tend to think like the line of a song that goes "People seldom change from everything they've been"...

michael w

yes its possible that someone who has cheated won't do it again. he definitely has to earn your trust back, which will take a long time. u both have to be open to earning the trust back. sit down with a counselor together.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: