Communication problems in marriage...?

My husband and I have been together 2.5 years.
We've really been through a lot together, and have both changed in miraculous ways.

We hit a really rough spot, and split up.
A couple months later, we got back together to try to work things out.

We were doing really good, but over the past couple of weeks, he has been falling back into the same patterns as before.
He always looks for a reason to argue, pick a fight, and yell.

I used to flame up and fight him right back, but I haven't done that anymore. I've really resolved my issues with anger, and don't cuss or scream or anything, but he does that to me, without remorse.

I used to pick fights, scream, cuss, etc, as well, but I REALLY don't anymore.

Yet, he says that I haven't changed one bit. He refuses to see my progress.

I don't know what else to do. I don't want to fight anymore...

These days it's like he's just being angry at me until time passes, then he either doesn't mention what happened, or I bring it up in the most peaceful way I can, and he flips out on me.

I'm really lost.

I speak softly, don't cuss, accuse, blame, or anything.

If anyone has any advice on how to help him with the issues he's going through, I'd really like to know.

I don't want to separate again, but I am out of answers.
Additional Details
That's the problem, I've been trying to love and cherish him unconditionally, but it seems that he wants to hate me. He says he doesn't, but he always tries to fight with me.

He's constantly angry. He's constantly hateful.

Myth_Understood

How about this:

Get a small recording device with a microphone and get the both of you on tape.

One thing I can guarantee you: As out of balance as things are, it won't be long until you are both exactly where you were before the first separation.

You cannot live like this forever, being railroaded by him. He's not stupid, and I'm sure that somewhere in his heart of hearts, he knows that he's being a d**k but doesn't know HOW to cope with not yelling. He is asking an awful lot from you, hon. Get the camera and show him how hard you are trying and that he needs to at least meet you in the middle and BE HONEST with you.

Best of luck !!!

P.S. Unconditional love ... I don't buy it. If the guy I love starts treating me like yours is treating you, no WAY am I gonna stick around - I don't care how long we've been together. If he starts drinking too much, cheating and abusing me, it's over. I have never believed in that for a partner. Kids are different ... but not spouses. No way.

Angry and hateful needs to be caught on tape and shown how he is treating you. Have him watch it at a time when you are NOT there. Put the disc in an envelope, leave it in a place where he is sure to find it, and put a note saying, "Dear Steve, Watch this, and then call me. I'll be back after we talk."

DO NOT watch it while you're there. Go to the movies, go shopping with a friend, stay with your mom ... be away for a while so it sinks in, because you know he's gonna want to lash out "how could you do this to me" bla bla bla. If he's given some time to himself to let it sink in, that might be the wake-up call he needs.

As sad as this is ... some things can't be fixed. :( I hope this is fixable, but it looks like he has more work to do than you do.

knittinmama

After 30+ years of marriage I have learned to never rehash old issues. You need to keep in mind why you fell in love with him. Did you think you could change him to be more of the perfect husband you imagine or do you cherish him for who he is? Perhaps talking to a pastor or marriage therapist can help the two of you move forward.

shani-dani

â€œThe strain on the marriage was evident. The couple was fighting all the time and the surveys revealed low satisfaction with the marriage, especially when it came to effective communication.â€

mickey mouse

First, I would like to say congratz to you for changing your attitude and approach to the situation. It seems you've realized that two wrongs don't make a right and that going back and forth with him isn't going to help in the least. Second, I would recommend going to counseling. I know people are hesitant to tell a perfect stranger their business but from personal experience, it does help. It helps to get an outsider's POV on the situation. You & your husband are really wrapped up in your situations emotionally but an outsider can look at it differently and provide an alternate outlook. Perhaps he should try anger mangement or something of that nature.

I would encourage you to remain strong and continue to speak softly. Don't allow his ignorance to change you and/or your personality. Before you all separate again, try counseling. At least then, you'll know you've tried. That way if things don't work out, you'll know that YOU gave it your all!!!

Keep your head up and stay strong!!

zero tolerance

well. ain't u an angel then? so perfect.

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