Dating a previously abused woman?

Well i posted an ad earlier in singles and dating. But found that this section is filled with more people that are "older" and more my age range..(i'm 34, she's 40)...i've done some research and i've found that if a woman hasnt comes to terms with when she was abused she carries it with her to her next relationship.

My girlfriend and i broke up tonight over something that to me was really stupid.
I've never dated a woman that had been abused before,so she is my first...

We were out tonight with some friends and we were outside smoking. I had my hand on her back and we were talking about something.. Well me and her disagreed and i was just like well yeah..ok..whatever. Since i didnt feel like getting into a fight over it..it wasnt anything really. i took my hand off her back and put it in my pocket... I was still smiling and that and was in a good mood. I just wanted to stand next to her versus behind her.
All of a sudden she is instantly pissed at me. She sits down and gets really quiet, then gets up..kicks the chair and goes inside... The whole time i'm just sorta like..umm ok.
I go in later and she tells me that i totally pulled away from her. (when i really didnt). Then tells me that was huge for her. How i would do such a thing...
And wanted to talk to me about it right there. So i just said i didnt mean to do anything to offend you or hurt you and left it at that. She gets pissed and leaves.
Later she is just really mad at me, telling me how i dont listen to her..ever. things like that...when i really dont understand what the hell she is talking about.

I know her ex was an alcoholic and mentally abusive. She was with him for twelve years.
The one thing i realized tonight is the only times we get in a big fight is after she has been drinking. Otherwise we are great together.
I dont know if this is when little things from her past come back or what?
I'm friends with most all of my ex's and this has never happened to me before....

Jazzy

My husband has done that too and it pisses me off too. I think its cause when the hand is on the back we feel connected. The message we get when you move your hand is "if you dont agree with me and do things my way I will withold love". It is a power/control message. then when you put it in the pocket its a closed body position. If you have studied body positions you know that a closed body position means you dont want to talk or open yourself up to the person anymore. Its breaking the connection. IF you had kept your hand on her back and disagreed she would of felt safe and secure that you cared about her even if she disagreed with her. An abused person is used to having love witheld if she does or says certain things. So what you did was send the message that you too would be that way (even if you didnt mean to do that)
The fact she exploded like she did and made a scene as well as accusing you of not listening is called :"emotional baggage'. She needs therapy. She may of been strong and not thought she did. But unless your made of steel, abuse leaves scars. This also could be her personality. Only time will tell. I assume since you have "exes" you are pretty in tune with what you are looking for in a woman. Dont let abuse be an excuse for being a B****! She has no right to leave just cause you do something to piss her off. She should be mature enough to speak to you in private in a caring manner rather than make a scene. Personally I dont have the time for scene makers. They have deeply rooted personality problems and are selfish.
If you fight when you drink then you need to analyze which you would rather give up....drinking or her.
You said your great together so why not discuss it when she is sober? An abused person needs extra patience and encouragement. It would be good for you to talk to a therapist with her a couple times. Wether you stay together or not you will have helped another human being heal.
I think its great your freinds with your exes. It shows that you are able to communicate in a thoughtful and kind way. Not many people can leave a relationship without playing the blame game or being compassionate to the other person. I think it shows you are careful and sensitive. Take a bow!

BerM

Firstly... Im glad you asked, not so much that you did, but that you are open to help to manage this relationship, which clearly means something to you.
Women who have dealt with abuse in any form are very susceptable to 'a short wick'. They are always scared that you will be like the last and wait for it to manifest itself. That said i comend you for being adult enough to see what it is not just her behaviour.
If you had not pulled away she would have probably thought you posessive and controlling, for not.
I recommend a sober chat, best done in the morning when the air between you both is clear and calm. Tell her you would like to continue your relationship, but are worried that whatever you do will be taken as 'wrong'. Remind her that you are not him and that you would not ever treat her as he did, remind her that yu love and respect her, and wish to help her recover and grow from that experience. Ask her not to judge you after a few drinks and question if she can do that.
Tell her how her behaviour made you feel and remind bith of yourselves that this is a new relationship and you want it to continue.
While I know it will take time, do not allow her to repeat this 'habit' as then your new relationship is already in its grave.
I wish you the best of luck, and the best of intentions, just don't rush anything as it could backfire, because when your 'damaged' by others,you find the enemy in everyone and anything, perhaps plan your actions together so she knows where she stands, ie, if youdo this, i will put my hands in my pockets, if I do this you should do so also... so you both know where the hurdles are, and before long, with luck and love, none of this will matter.

BigPhil

I'm currently involved with a lady that was physically abused as well as mentally. All you can do is be patient and continue to tell her you did not mean any harm. I have had the same arguments and we always make up and smooth things over. You did the right thing by not getting angry over her anger. That's just throwing gasoline on the fire. Give her some space to think things out. When she's ready to talk just listen and continue to be patient. Assure her that you want to know what bothers her so you don't let it happen again. Good luck.

Anny

first of all y does she drink ? i mean is it socially or is she doing it to get away from reality? if she is a constant drinker she needs help. a person can be physically and emotionally abused she took 12 years of crap from that man and know she wont trust men if u both really care for each other she needs to get help and u can support her with that but if this situation keeps going on and u c no change in her and she is not trying to get better then its time to move on good luck

Debbie B

You are right, she took it out of proportion.

Obviously is the alcohol triggering that behavior in her. That is the start of what can become a major problem down the road.

It's time for the talk.

aljea

It sounds like she has security issues and I'm not sure if thats just how she is or if it was from her previous relationship. Anyway if you guys want to work out you guys really need to take a crash course in communication...both of you. It seems like she wants you to be a mind reader and you have no clue what actions you do will make her flip. You aren't supposed to be a mind reader and she needs to understand for you to know what she wants, she needs to communicate it properly.

oogabooga37

You're assuming a tremendous responsibility. You should move on to a woman who will actually be able to contribute to your growth as a person. This one is only going to drag you down. You should go ahead and adopt a deeply dysfunctional kid if you really want to be a hero, but as far as a relationship goes have some standards.

TAMMY M

In my opinion she has a couple of issues to resolve. First she is insecure in you relationship. She lacks self confidence that you care deeply for her. For a women it is not always what is said. To her probably the very small things matter the most. When you were touching her, she felt "you cared" and were paying attention to her. When you retreated or what she thought was a retreated it upset her.

You are right in that she has to work through her abusive relationship issues. if she has not received counseling or has not worked through the mental abuse, it will forever haunt her. I know, I was there. It causes severe insecurity and will take A LOT of patience and understanding to continue the relationship.

You answered yourself to the last one about alcohol Don't drink. That in ititselfan be a trigger. Remember, once something comes out of the mouth, you can NEVER take it back even if it is alalcoholnduced. Do you really want this type of relationship. You are young. Think hard.

I wish you the best of luck!!

jude

maybe something u did reminded her of her ex. so don't go out drinking if u know it causes problems.

*Bella*

she has some deamonds she need to deal with,, before entering another relationship. and hurting someone (you) because of it.
she needs to not drink. (obviously) but maybe she needs special help to Help Her overcome her passed and not strain it on you.
sorry.

Jim

I am in the same type of relationship. I can always tell when my wife has had a couple drinks. She becomes abusive and combatant. I had never thought it had anything to do with her being in an abusive relationship. I think it has more to do with her being a mean drunk. At times it becomes so bad I regret the fact that I married her. And, to top it off, the next day she acts as if nothing has happened. It is embarrassing when it happens in public, which she pays no attention to.

I am not sure what you question is, but based on my experience I would NEVER do it again. When I would break up with her she would be real sweet and then cry. I would feel sorry for her and go back. I only wish I had been stronger and less understanding. Right now I feel she has ruined my life as it is.

Good luck to you, my friend. I pray you donâ€™t make the same mistake I did.

Dude

"I don't know if this is when little things from her past come back or what?" It sounds as if the drinking brings out the real her. It takes two to Tango and you didn't want to dance. If she is getting up and kicking the chair and getting angry over little things, how did she act in her previous relationship? It sounds to me that her ex wasn't as patient as you and they were both to blame. You have to look at what contributions she made to the abusive relationship. Of course she was probably an angel. It was all him. But, remember, it takes two to Tango. She has deeper issues than you can fix. Cut your losses and move on.

dude, she's 40. you're 34. you should be chasing a 22 year old.

wait, oops, you are.

move on.

PRETTY GREEN EYES

What you did shows you are controlling and emotionally abusive yourself. You are also immature to have pulled away from her because you disagreed. You knew what you were doing. She deserves better. Grow up yourself and do not blame her for your insecurities either.
Edit - if you know she is insecure then you are playing with her emotions, let her go and find a man who will not feel so superior.
Freinds with your ex's That is sad

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