Do I try and win back my wife of 33 years?

FormerGiGi

First off, I'm so sorry...

Secondly, my advise for you is the same as I gave my daughter when she was hoping to win the affection of a guy she was in love with. A person either loves you or they don't. You can't make someone love you, but you can help them realize if they do by giving them some space. I wish that it wasn't human nature, but most of the time, people want what they can't have :-(

You can't control fate. If it's meant to be, it will happen regardless of whether or not you go to Lanzarote or not. I feel that you must take the job offer.

If you wait around for your wife, you will jeopardize your chances at a better future for yourself. Plus, the old saying "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" may be a cliche' but it's a cliche' for a reason! It's true.

If you stand any chance of winning your wife back, it would be because what she has learned to count on is GONE! She will know if she wants you once she realizes that you've moved on with your life and that you can't wait forever.

If for some reason, she continues on without you, the outcome would be the same regardless of whether you move or not. Distance cannot come between two people who are truly in love. Refusing the job offer is not going to guarantee that you'll win your wife back-but I guarantee you will have regrets a year from now if you turn down the job and your wife still feels the same.

You seem like a good man, with a rare ability to love. It's possible that you will love someone again if things don't work out with your wife. I actually know a man whose wife divorced him after 25 years. They lived apart for three years and got remarried. They are still happy 10-years later.

Take care of your heart...good luck!

SR13

Take the job and move on. She waited 33 years to break your heart? Sounds very cruel to me. Move on and enjoy your life. If she didn't have the sense to talk problems through with you when you were married it seems that she obviously doesn't care that much. I'm sure you will be better off without her, although you almost certainly won't see it this way yourself at the moment. Whatever you decide, good luck and I hope things work out for you.

kattsmeow

I also left my marriage after 28 years and four children. I haven't gone back neither have I had a desire to go back and it has been almost 17 years. My former husband has remarried and I wish him the best. I have not remarried, but I am happy. It is my personal opinion but I have found shared by many people that woman grieve the loss of there marriage while still in the marriage. What I mean is by the time most woman ask for the divorce, they have been very unhappy for many years. They have tried to make things work, but for whatever reason, it hasn't for them. It isn't unusal for it to take a woman years to get the courage it takes to leave a marriage and when she finally does it, it is over for her. I'm sorry, but that is the way I see things. Most men grieve after the marriage is over and it is very painful. Most never saw it coming and a lot have great difficulty accepting it. I do not think your wife wants you to try and win her back. Whatever she wants, she doesn't want you in her life right now. If she did change she would not want a man who was grieving, not taking care of himself, depressed, feeling sorry for himself. She would want someone who has gone on with his life, found some more interests, met new people, has a new outlook on life and is taking care of himself.
Please think about what I've written and you should see that whatever happens between you and your wife, you should persue the new job. Good luck on your new, exciting life!â™¥â™¥â™¥

Paul

I think this is one of those situations where the harder you work, the less you will get back. She has made up her mind. When my wife had an affair a bunch of years ago, I just sorta wished her luck in her new life and moved on...then she returned to me. Not sure if this is the same, but if you just wished her luck in her new life, it might make her stop and reconsider. So long as you are working at it, she can do what she wants knowing you will be there. But...what if you won't make that promise? Good luck.

rusty

take the job..take it in the chin as well..don,t be acting a homo..

trish s

That is sad and you must be feeling awful xx 33 years is a long time for her to just walk away so she must have been very unhappy..She may realise in time what she's lost,meanwhile you need to get on with your life..Take the job and if she wants to come back to you and you still want her,she'll find you..

mother of Bridezilla

move on and try to get on with your life. If it meant to be she will ask to get back together with you. As we age we change and it may be true that your have grown in different ways.

nightman122554

take the job if she love you she will come back it sound like she need time thing will work out

jimmyjohn

Take the job. Ask her if she would be willing to go to counseling. Let her file for the divorce, and if she does, handle it with a mediator out of court. It will save you both a lot of legal fees. Don't play ANY games with her if this happens. Settle with a fair & equitable settlement that you can both live with. Then keep in contact with her from time to time, & in your head wish her well. She;s convinced the grass is greener on the other side - which usually is NOT the case.

Also, are you SURE there's no one else???? Often in these situations the one leaving has a girlfriend/boyfriend, or plans to develop a potential as soon as he/she leaves.

Hinemoa

From personal experience a change of scenery is often very helpful in this situation - at least then you don't get continual reminders of the things and places you shared, which can be very painful. But I would only take the job if you think you are likely to enjoy it.

You will probably find that you are unable to have a friendship with your wife at this point but it could be possible after you've had a break away and start to make a new life for yourself.

One of the things I found most helpful is the CD that comes with a book called Change Your Life in 7 days by Paul McKenna (the book's good too but I found listening to the CD every day - or sleeping through it mostly - made a huge difference to my outlook on life).

Good luck !

kinkybootsno1

That would depend on whether you have enough patience & are willing to take a risk with turning the job down & still not winning your wife back..................
She's said she still wants to have a friendship of sorts so you could slowly try to build what you both once had, the trouble is you won't be able to rush things or pressure her at all. You could try asking her out on a date just once a week & gradually get to know each other again, remember though that neither of you are the same people you were 33 years ago.
Having said all of that if you really feel that you'll be making yourself miserable then perhaps it's time to cut your losses & start anew with your new job.
Sorry honey, but you're the only one that can really answer that question...............

Remember though that a relationship is a two way thing & if she couldn't find some way of talking about this while you were both still together she has to take half the responsibility for the breakdown too......it shouldn't have to be all up to you to fix it.......................

deb m

Take the job obviously she has been unhappy for a very long time everyone deserves some.Do remain friends because if you both truly loved one an other you just don't stop feeling it. After some time you both may find a new found happiness towards one another so don't give up either just be nice to her and yourself. You just never know down the road you may need a true friend and she may be the only one their for you (I was it, for my ex husband) there was no one else there for him at the time Good luck with you future.

VHagerty

It is probably best to take her up on her offer of remaining friends. After over three decades of marriage, you both gave it your best shot; sometimes these things happen, unfortunately. Let her know you'll always be there if she needs you.

Take the job offer in Lanzarote. If you don't, and she definitely is sure of never getting romantically involved again, you just missed out on a great opportunity. If you and your wife were meant to stay together, maybe the distance will help her to realize this as well. Good luck and congratulations on your job. :)

Moofie's Mom

Hi!

My goodness, 33 years is a heck of a long time isn't it?

There is a saying that if you truly love someone then you'll set them free.

It's still early days with your separation and maybe she needs a little time on her own.

Another saying is the grass is always greener on the other side, so she might just need a bit of time to explore life without you. In many situations like this, the grass isn't greener, and the person fleeing what they think is an impossible situation (or even what they see as a rut), often returns to the old relationship with new pair of eyes.

If I were you I would take the job in Lanzarote. If you hang around she'll know that you're gonna be there as a safety net. Your new job will help take your mind off the situation to some extent and you will be meeting new and interesting people over there.

By saying she would like a friendship of sorts is good, at least she doesn't want to have a clean break and never see you again. She'll be going through turmoil aswell, so just be there for when she needs you. Let her know exactly what you're doing and give her all the contact numbers she might need in order to reach you in Lanzarote.

Please don't hang around making yourself miserable waiting for her - if she sees you attempting to move on, this might give her a little bit of a wake up call. She'll be thinking 'Hang on, I thought he couldn't live without me, and here he is making a new life for himself etc. etc.'

It's a hell of a lot to chuck away - 33 years of marriage. Just give her space, but don't give her everything you've got. You need to really look after yourself and not make yourself ill over this. It's gonna be really difficult, I know, but please be patient - you might just be surprised by the outcome.

I really wish you all the very best, and I hope things turn out well for you.

Zenthae

Take the job, tell her you love her more then anything and ask her to come with you and work it out.

If she says no, then try to move on with your life, no matter how hard it may be :(

tinker33

Go for the job... i know you still love your wife, but she is the one who left you... let her see what she is missing!! I think it is impossible to stay friends when you still have such strong feelings for her, it will only scar you further and damage the relationship more. Very best wishes and good luck to you.

Kryssie

you should take the job.
you cant WANT to hang around miserably, right?

Im sure that if you left you'd get over the fact
that she has no idea what she was talking about.
because you love and care for her, and Im sure
that SHE is the one that's making the mistake.

fairy_gdmthr

your 33 still young,and shes laid the cards on the table and told you how she felt.i wouldnt wait and make yourself sad and miserable,you need a nes start and lanzarote would be good.one thing though is there kids involved it be important you stay in contact with them.all the best .

spooks32003

the best thing you can do is sit down with her and have a heart to heart with her, ask her how long she has felt like this and just what it is she thinks your marriage lacks, if by the end she feels you couldn't make things right then respect her decision and go on and live your life, hopefully you will find someone who will love you and want to spend their lives with you....

Gina

You take the job and you go on with your life, she left you ok, so you go on with your life, there may be someone special out there for you that would NEVER leave you after all them years, OR maybe she will come to realize after your gone that she really needs you, don't make a mistake by not taking the job, yes 33 years is a long time but when something like this happens yes there is shock hell I would be in shock but I would not let one person bring me down so badly it depresses me that I can not live life without that person.
Take a chance on life go on your adventure to another place, you never know what life holds in front of you. Good luck

the whistler

I'm afraid all you can do now is ask her to try and save the marriage. Be willing to change (within reason, just things that actually need changing, like communication and the like) and try to share interests if that's really what's bothering her... But if she indeed says she has no interest in trying to salvage things, I don't see how you could "win her back". If she's not interested, take the job.

silver fox

Sorry to say it but from what your saying you've lost her and wont be getting her back no matter what your relation as ran its coarse ,you need to try and accept it and get on with your life,moving away would help a great deal, however make sure your in a sane mental state as living in lanzagrote and easily turn you in to a alcoholic as drinking 24/7 is a way of life in most Spanish islands so it would be easy to drown your sorrows,and not the way to get your life back on track... good luck..

brianinchina2003

Oh ----, you too?

I'm a Christian believer, so my head says you should do whatever you can to get her back.

But my heart says go to Lanzarote.

Can you not find a clue as to why she was dissatisfied with you all those 33 years?

If I could understand them I'd probably be a millionaire.

Fickle is the word that comes to mind. But I'm just a bloke, so what do I know?

Cheers mate, as we say to hide the pain.

Brian.

unanski

Take the job in Lanzarote, then after a while - make sure she knows you are there - you send a postcard,tell her you like it there, and wish her well. Next postcard you invite her over some time when she feels like it, no pressure and all that. I bet she will accept, and you can have a long talk. Hopefully, for years to come. Good luck to you both with job and wife.

freeinspace2004

Man.....
The question is, does she love u as well. Only way to check it is accept the offer buy two tickets go to her and ask her to go with you on your knees. If she's cool then good other wise you have won a new life.

oeasensible

I think you have to decide yourself what you want. If you want her it is important that you don't try to make her feel guilty for leaving, she probably already feels bad, you creating more hurt will just remind her why she left. Think about what you were like when you met, what made her fall for you in the first place and start doing some of those things. Be friends with her, let her see what she is missing, be strong, if this begins to work she has to make the first move, you make it and she will just run a mile. Don't let her see your pain or how miserable you are feeling, again this will make her feel bad and she will want to avoid that. Let her see that you are moving on (even if you aren't).

If you decide you want the job then any chance of reconciliation in the near future will be gone. That is the choice you have to make. Draw up a list of pros and cons and don't forget that staying does not garuntee she will come back.

Good luck with it.

laplandfan

I am so sorry that your marriage is having problems. 33 years is a long time to be married and a real achievement in this day and age.
I think all you can do is contact your wife and ask to meet with her for a discussion. You need to tell her that you love her deeply and that you have got a job offer in Lanzarote. Say you would like to remain married and don't want to part. It is then up to her.
I do not think you should put your life on hold just in case she changes her mind. There is a chance that she may not change her mind. Lanzarote is only a flight away so i would take the job offer. The change will do you good and will help to ease your pain of seeing familiar things at the moment. Your wife may like the idea of moving to lanzarote.
You have to consider your life too dear.

Leapling

I think your wife has been quite clear about what she wants.

Of course there is nothing quite so exciting as a self starting go-getter with a good job in the sunshine and the promise of a better life. Your wife might not see it but you can bet your life someone will.

GO - take the job, you migt find its just the catalyst she needs or you might not - my ex could be a millionaire in Monte Carlo but I still wouldn't go back to him but he wouldn't be short of female company.

Fawne

Take the job. Continue to move on with your life. If she sees you moving on she may get lonely and want to come back. Do not chase her. When a man chases a woman it makes the woman think he is pathetic.

Wait a while and 'suggest' sometimes that you might not mind having her 'back'. Do not over do it.

Take her 'hints' as to why she left and try to 'change them' don't just throw them out the window and pretend like she is 'nagging' you.

I just split up with my ex husband of 15 years. I don't regret it. However if he would have 'listened' to me, apologised, and actually tried to do something about what the problem was (the one that I said was the problem not the problem he made up in his head that was the problem) then I probably would have went back to him.

I don't know though. I am enjoying my freedom. I wish I had someone that loved me for life (sometimes). Divorce is very hard. I wish you good luck. I hope that you find someone who will be good to you.

I know that I didn't want to move on either.
Sometimes it is the only way for change to happen.

Ashley

If you think she is still worth it, go after her. If not, go for the job offer and lead a new life there.

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