Emotional abuse, when does it start, how do you deal with it?

My husband is the controlled, cold, workaholic type of person for whom money is very meaningful.
I am the warmer, more flexible one, who had to (reluctantly) decide to give up her career so that at least someone is available for the children.
On an on-going basis I feel rejected and not looked after, as there always is something more important to my husband than me.
Most aspects of our relationship are underpinned by the principle "he does not like to give, I do not like to ask".

Would you say that the following qualifies for emotional abuse:
telling me that I'll have a word to say on a common family project when I earn money, telling me he would never on earth give me that project to manage, speaking those words in a very aggressive way, when I have asked him to stop that tone with me (he was upset to hear from a provider that the project would be very expensive if run by them and he did not like one request I had, which amounted to 2% of the project cost).

This certainly feels like emotional abuse to me. To which extend is it acceptable to be used as the "punching ball" for his stress and frustrations? How do I get my contribution vaguely accepted as valuable to him? (our house is well run, kids doing great at school, we have a good social network etc which are things I look after)
Where do I find support to seriously confront him on abusing me emotionally? (I live in England)

Any suggestion welcome. Thank you.
Additional Details
Just being more specific: this project is entirely his idea, he is the driver of it and I am just being supportive and available at his request- it is about changing the whole kitchen, so as I am the one spending my time there, it makes sense I am involved and give my views.

BRYAN C

I'd say 'you are a winner' but I know you do not feel like you are winning.

He is abusive. He will not change. Time for you to realize you are not the problem he is and it time for you to fix the problem...namely him.

Do your homework and plan an escape for you and the kids. GET OUT. People like that don't change ..the say they will but it all part of the control game they play

He is controlling. You need to research co-dependency and figure out why you are attracted to controlling people. You also need to find a way to get away from him before you are to old to make the move. If you have kids, a divorce won't kill them. It will probably make them better people.

DolceVita is back!!

YES this is unquestionably emotional abuse. He sounds like a huge bully.

It is not acceptable to be used as his "punching ball".

It is possible that he will not ever see the work you do as valuable. You and I and others KNOW the work you (and I ) do is INVALUABLE.
Its a cliche but you can't change change someone's behaviour, you can only change how you react to it. Personally my reaction would be to deliver an ultimatum - either he comes to counselling with you, or he faces divorce.

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/index.php

Shannon

Marriage Counseling or Divorce; be prepared to have to make changes yourself.
(I would /never/ tell my wife that.)

And no a divorce will not be good for the kids, a bad father (or mother) is better than none at all. He has to be horrible for them to truly be better off without him; e.g. only abuses them and is never caring.

Within the context of marriage, anything you do to *intentionally* to hurt the other person is abuse. Snide remarks are abuse.

And he WILL change if the underlying emotional reasons he is so angry are addressed. I literally changed within a week after... far far too long of mutual misery.

You absolutely can change his behavior - traits are what you can't change. He might be prone to anger, but that doesn't mean he has to say such hurtful things when he is angry.

Ok given this is a home-improvement project and he is driving it; given his comment about the support is he providing - he likely feels you are not holding up your end of the marriage. He is miserable and is trying to keep control over the one thing he CAN exert control over, the cash. If you do somehow manage to wrestle the cash away from him (e.g. guilt trip about how its his responsibility to support his family), again without addressing what is making him so angry - you will lose him entirely.

Has he always been this way or is it a more recent change? If it's a sudden change, its dangerous; it could be a last-resort emotional defense mechanism "go rigid" (akin to the physical last-resort mechanism of "eat my muscle").

-Mr Z-

Contact citizens advice burro they might be able to get you contacts or google a search.

Maybe try communicating with your husband.

helen

Like other have said he the problem not you .Find somebody new and better

Joe R

Yes, that is controlling emotional abuse. He is not valuing you at all as a person, and that is one of the most important aspects of any relationship (married or not). If you let that go on for a long period of time it will eat at you, lower your self-esteem, make you depressed, angry, resentful, and have an effect on your physical health as well. Your kids will pick up on the dynamics of the relationship, and it will cause them to possibly have dysfunctional relationships with their future partners too. Get him into counseling with you, have talks with him, and/or write him a long letter where you can express your thoughts in detail (sometimes talking, you forget important points, and the conversation can be derailed or make unproductive detours into other subjects because of the emotional aspect of the subject). In your letter you should state what your needs are, and that you cannot tolerate the emotional abuse because it is causing all the problems within you that I described above.

No matter what he says, and even though he is a good man by working hard to support the family, he obviously has issues he is not coming forward to you about. Hopefully, someone in England can't point you to some free or low cost counseling. Even if he won't go, you need to go so you have a dependable, professional ear to listen to your situation over a prolonged period of time. You are probably deeply damaged, and its hard to see ones way out when we have these psychological wounds that need healing. Good luck to you. I wish you all the happiness that life can possibly deliver. Go get yourself some happiness. You deserve it!

Schadenfreude

Yes it is emotional abuse, perhaps it just crept up? My husband is the same and likes to control everything (but in a subtle, manipulaitve way). Unfortunately he believes he should decide everything about the house because I 'don't work' [I do - running the home and look after the children]. We go to Relate - it may work for you. I think you just need validation at this stage, and by the opinions you've got here - you have it! I hope your problems will be solved someday and that you'll be happy. Good luck.

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