Have you ever suggested a separation to make a point?

My husband and I have not been getting along well for quite some time. He is very critical and both of us say some ugly things during arguments. As well, he is sleeping in another room. This has been the situation for months.

I'm tired of the arguing and the sleeping arrangements. I need him to stop being so critical and nasty if there is a disagreement. I don't want to get divorced. He is a good person, and father. But I need things to change. Talking doesn't work.

So I've asked him to move out for a little while. To think about things, and then come back only if he will change. To my surprise, he is devastated. Completely devastated.

So now I am reconsidering. But I think it will be business as usual if I don't follow through. Why can't he show this sensitive side more often? I want to just hug him and tell him everything will be all right - but all the bad memories start to come back.

Should I follow through on asking him to move out or forgive and forget and hope things get better. It's sad when it takes asking your spouse to move out to see that they may really love you after all.

Sufi

you must change things, transform the situation. talking doesn't work because your communiccations skills are not good enough. improve them immediately. you must change what you're doing to influence the situation. learning to communicate better is the 1st step. and amazingly, only you must improve your skills - he doesn't have to because you alone can transform the communication in your relationship. learn 'nonviolent communication' by marshall rosenberg. it worked to transform my life and i'm happy now. testing him and trying to force him to change won't work. you need transformation. it's not about love, it's about skills. and yes, if you let it all blow over, nothing will change. you must change things to get the success you want.

Helper

You are one tough gal. I love what you did, stick with it and I am a guy. If you give in now he will dominate you his entire life.

One warning. You have to realize that he may be devastated but some other woman may take him if you throw him out, but I still think, since you are so miserable, it was a good decision. Gutsy, risky, but good.

In the future demand counseling or YOU will leave. Kicking someone out makes them feel they are free to cheat. I learned that lesson the hard way, and that was very hard to admit in public.

IQ lady

I think he should move out.
You asked him to for a reason and that reason has not changed.
It'll give you both some space and both some time to think about what you both want from this relationship.
Good luck.

Janet W :You don't know what you are talking about.

KRIS

some times all you need is a wake up call.

most times things will go back to the way they were. if they do, then you can "put your foot down" BUT remember, he may not WANT to come back after he leaves. that is a price you will have to live with. and that's usually the way things end up!!! don't forget, it' takes two to fight, sometimes you win the battle and end up loosing the war.

Laura lynn(nurse lpn)

I think that you made your point.He is devastated & possibly depressed.Therapy to help you two communicate better is a suggestion.

spunk113

a "separation" is to a marriage what "taking a break" is to a serious relationship. In others, words, it means the relationship is over but you're not willing to admit it. Either go to marriage counseling, live with things as they are, or get a divorce, because asking for a separation means you want a divorce, but haven't found the balls to ask for it.

sheloves_dablues

No. I suggested a separation because I was done being married.

Is sending him packing really the way to regain intimacy? I would think if you're tired of the sleeping arrangements it's because you want him next to you and for things to be good.. So work at making them good. Separation leads to divorce in most cases. Be careful what you wish for...

dinkysmom

There is no answer for this one. It depends on him and the battle between your heart and brain. I have been there and it sounds so similar to your problem. We did separate for awhile and then I couldn't stand it no longer and moved back in. I know he didn't take my threats serious after caving in but we did manage to work things out. Good luck and I hope that things work out!

Janet W

It's sad to me that people get married and then argue and don't get along and then think they can ask one of the parties to actually move out and leave their home. A home will always be unstable as long as there is a threat of losing that home. It is his home as well as yours. Nobody has the right to ask the other to leave. If you can't make the marriage work then get a divorce but threatening to have one leave is just wrong.

Rich

You should def talk and maybe bring in a counselor. If you both seperate it will be harder to work things out.

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