Help! My son is 21, he refuses to go to work. I have tried everything. Any ideas?

reddaisy

I think by giving him 2 weeks and then sticking to it is fine. If he doesn't have a job then tell him to get out. If he does have a job then tell him what his portion of the bills are.
Its hard because he is your son and you love him but you are not doing him any favors by allowing him to be a bum.

Mia

If you cut the supply line, he will have to find a way himself. Even if you love him you still have to do what is best for him. So no more gas money, no more extra money, just cut it all off. He will get a job.

PrettyKitty

This is really a case of being brutal...you have to follow through your threat. Stop cooking for him, cleaning for him, etc....and tell him that if he doesn't pull his weight around the house & get work, he's out!!

This is tough love and the only way he will learn is if he has to stand on his own feet. Get him some leaflets about housing, etc, and leave them in his room.

Good luck - my cousin had to do this with her son, and it was heartbreaking, but it had to be done.

Paul

Hi,
Best thing you could do is show him what its like with no income.
Stop providing dinners, washing clothes ect that way he will be forced to take up a job.
Kicking him out the house may be a little harsh.

Doshie

Unfortunately you may have to go thru with kicking him out, if only for a little while.
I'm 20, and although I havent ever refused to work, when I moved out of home it really hit me that I needed to focus on work alot more. I wasnt kicked out or anything, I chose to move in with my partner, but before my opionion of work was if i lost my job and was unemployed for a bit it didnt really matter. But now I really understand the importance of it all and see why my parents used to want me to take work a bit more seriously.
He needs to get shocked into it. Hopefully that will happen pretty quickly and he'll come back better for it.
Good luck

Lady, The biggest favour you can do your son is to kick him out. He's a bum and a lazy one at that and your making him worse.

Manda79

Tough love. You're making it too easy on him. Tell him you love him, but that he's an adult now and needs to start taking responsibility for himself. Tell him it's time to stand on his own two feet, and he can either get a job and start paying rent, buying his own groceries and doing his own laundry, or he can get a job and move out. He's heading down the wrong road right now and needs a firm kick in the butt in the right direction. Don't yell, don't make threats, just sit him down over coffee or dinner and lay it out.

Natasha

You have to be cruel to be kind, he has to be made to find his way in life, that's a mothers job. Stick to your word and don't give him any money, he has to learn to look after himself and become a valued member of society.

michael60

your on the right track, put him out of the house.

Julie H

Give your son a timeline. Tell him that he needs to get a job now and save all monies. He will need to move out for good on September 1 so he will need rent money, deposits for water and electricity. Then hold him to it. Pack up his things and set them outside if he doesn't leave and change the locks. You have created a bum by letting him stay home and mooch off you and he's 21. If you don't do it now when he can get his life in order, then you will have the same problem when he's 45. Then he will just be waiting for you to die so he can get all your possessions, house. car, and money.

kari

he's a grown man - time to support himself. the beset thing you can do for him is to tell him to leave so that he learns to be an adult. some people only grow up when they are forced.

Messykatttt

Hi. It's good that you're ratcheting it up a notch, but you need to be much more specific with him. It's often a good idea to put things in writing, especially for someone who refuses to talk.

You need to set up a payment schedule for him starting, say, a month from now. And in this you do a calculation for rent, portion of food, portion of cable, portion of electric, portion of internet, etc. It's important to do it this way so he gets a clue what independence means. It doesn't have to by 50 percent to start out with, but it does need to be non-negotiable and due on a certain date.

Then make sure he's doing his share of chores around the house. List the specific ones he's in charge of.

Get him to sign and commit.

And yes, you do have to toss him out if he doesn't live up to it. You sound well intentioned and I'm sure you love him, but this is long overdue. It's damaging him to let him keep living there with no responsibilities.

Forlorn Hope

next time he goes out, change the locks...

stop feeding him...

stop doing his washing...

Just a Man

You need to kick him out. There is nothing to talk about. Wow...he needs to get out, he is not going to do something with himself if he knows that his mommy will take care of him. Why get a job when I can continue to live like a child and have my mother do everything. You won't be asking him to leave, you will be telling him to leave. He needs to go. He will never be a man under your roof

MR.QA

kick him out of the house. you have to let go one day. if you love him, then think ahead for him. it's better having him accumulating life experiences now than later.

full_figured_latina_37

Well, the only thing you can do at this point is to give him tough love. I know you love him but you cannot continue to enable his laziness. He's an adult and he needs to start acting like one. He has to get a job just like the rest of us, and contribute to your household. You already gave him an ultimatum, now you just have to follow through and ask him to leave.

He hasn't been trying because he probably thinks that his actions (or lack thereof) will not have any consequences. I'm sure in the past you have also threatened to kick him out and yet it has been 3 years later and he's still living with you. You need to put your foot down and do it - not out of anger, but out of love. This is a valuable lesson that he better learn sooner, rather than later.

blackgrumpycat

Don't do his washing, cooking or cleaning. Tell him he must supply his own food and you expect him to contribute to the household bills. Don't give him any money for anything. If he won't talk to you, then maybe he will talk to a counsellor - speak to his/your doctor about this. He may be depressed or unclear about what he wants to do with his life. Of course you love him, but you can't let him be like this forever. He needs to begin to take responsibility for his own life.

blaze

i would say he is too lazy and depending too much on you.if you still give him money i suggest you better stop doing so.tell him that he will have to go out there to earn his own living.what if he have his own family one day and who will take care of them.you??

davethemann550

tough love time, kick him out or say he has to get his own place unless he gets a job to contribute to bills

lilsnob8681

The only way you are going to get him to hold a steady job is to be stern with him. Kicking him out and sticking with it will be the best thing you have ever done for him. He is 21 and no job and lives at home. Oh yes, he definitely needs a reality check. You are enabling him by keeping him there and paying for everything. Maybe you saying goodbye, will put him in line otherwise you cant support him. That is absurd. Good Luck!!

free_angel

Nag at him endlessly until he's so tired of hearing it he'll be willing to do anything to get you to stop.

melouofs

He has to go. He knows he doesn't have to do anything and you will continue to support him regardless of whether he works or doesn't. He is a grown man behaving like an insolent child. Hardly anybody WANTS to go to work, but sorry, my friend, life just doesn't work that way.

Well if he isn't working he is int paying you any money for his keep. So I would not be feeding him, washing or ironing his clothes or cleaning his room and certainly wouldn't be handing him out any money. Nothing wrong with the actions you have taken.

Murzy

you may have to try "tough love" and ask him to move out by the end of the month if he doesn't have a job

Cham

You've been a part of the problem by allowing him to remain in your home and be a bum. Don't give him 2 weeks, give him enough time it takes for you to help his sorry butt pack his things and put them outside. PERIOD.

WESLEY L

When at home with you, your son has regressed to being a 14 year old and will remain this age so he can have "mum" looking after him.

And YOU are playing this game too. (so stop it!)

Treat him like the adult he is. Speak to him like a work colleague who was not pulling his weight at work.

And as the above posts say, unless you are prepared to MAKE him stand on his two feet, he will stay the perpetual adolescent.

Go into the garden and watch what happens in the bird's nest to the chicks once their feathers have grown. Its a heave-ho out the door and "go get your own worms". Its the same the whole world over. Show this to your son. Look, listen and learn.

I'mJustSayin

Help! My son is 21, he refuses to go to work. I have tried everything. Any ideas?

uh, yeah - put him out. not only does he seem lazy but disrespectful. you're old enough to know that people will only do what you let them do and if you continue to accept his behavior then thats what you're going to get. its not that he can't work or even doesn't want to but that he doesn't have to. you're providing everything he needs. looking back, wouldn't you have liked to have stayed with your parents where it was safe rather than getting out in the world and being an adult? we know its scarry out here but allowing love to cloud your better judgement isn't best. you want him to be successfull and most of all self-sufficient but there doesn't seem to be any self in his sufficiency except self-ishness. you have to be the adult - and forgive me for saying this but i watch people. You may be one of those parents who'd rather talk than dig in and dicipline. a parent who's had to work hard but doesn't want their child to work as hard as you've had to. thats LIFE - you want it, you work for it. when you want a garden do you just throw the seeds near where you want your flowers? train up and child in the direction you want them to go. If you've done your job, when you let him go, he'll be fine. if not, he'll be back. you gotta be tough 21 is far from baby age depending on maturity.

....I'm Just Sayin....

*Sunshine*

Remove him from your home. Put your foot down and change the locks and put his stuff out on the lawn. He needs to own up to being a man and you enabling him by letting him live with you is making it worse.

I am sorry for the tough love here but I see this all of the time in divorce cases where one parent is left with the burden of a child with no motivation and the parent is being taken advantage of!!!

Give the kid a week deadline of working and paying you rent or he's out of there. Write out an agreement and have him sign it and hold him to it and if it doesn't fulfil his side of the agreement make him leave and MAKE him leave don't back down!

Magic 8 Ball: The Witch is In

You will be doing him and yourself a favor by ending his residence with you. Better he learn that he has to work and Mom won't be his "just in case". He soon will have a child to support and if you continue to let him live with you, YOU will have the new baby to support, as well as your son and his wife.

GreenBrigade

Sounds like the only thing you can do is kick him out!

Lily

No work.. then no car, no money. Look up "tuff love".

However I can see how your son may be a little upset right now. His old dad is acting like he is 21...kicking out another kid at his age. The son is probably realizing he is being kicked to the curb and dad is starting all over fresh and new with a new kid to mess up.

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