How can I learn to listen to my wife or anyone else?

dlin333

when you find yourself, while someone is speaking, thinking of your opionion on what they are saying or your response,,,, just in your mind say "STOP",,, focus your attention of them,,,, make sure you understand what exactly they are saying,,,,,, ask them to repreat or elaborate if needed,,,,, then, what works great,, is to say something like "let me see if i understand you,,,,, you said,,,,, and summarize what they said",,,,,, (or you might say,,, let me see if i understand what your opinion/feelings on this is ,then repeat what you think their opinion was)might seem a little lame at first,,, but it will really work,,,,, and i am sure your wife will cooperate with perhaps practising this,,,,, if you know you will literally have to repeat their thoughts back to them, it will help you focus on what they are actually saying,, your mind will not wander off to your thoughts of what they are saying,,, its like most things that are habits, develop a new habit will replace your old one,,,,, so doing this,, practising it,,,, will become a new habit for you,,,, that you should start doing without thinking about,,,, but at first you will really have to concentrate,,,,, this is what helped me,, as i would always be thinking about what i was going to say, how i felt about what the person was saying etc,,,

Jen

Start with humility of knowing that your "point" is not always better than anyone else.

Tori M

Well, if you know this then you have the potential to change it. Make a conscious effort to listen to others. Even take notes if you have to. Pretty soon, it becomes automatic. You don't have all the answers and neither does anyone else. That's why listening and working out things together works the best.

Garylian

It sounds like your problem is that you talk TO your wife and others, not with.

You first have to realize that you don't HAVE to win every discussion/arguement that you have. You also don't have to solve every problem. Sympathize with her problems or situations. Laugh at her silly stories about work that you could really care less about. You will get a lot of milage in her happiness by just shutting your mouth and opening your ears.

Women are different from men in that they like to discuss problems, without wanting a solution. What just want to have their feelings validated about why they are upset, not know how you think they should resolve the problem. It's a basic tenet from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

It takes a while, but if you really want to have a happy marriage, you will learn to listen.

Sadie

Here are a couple things you can do:
-Don't talk until they're done. You will have your chance to get your point across.
-Focus on what other people are saying, not what you want to say next. Try and see things from their perspective before you open your mouth.
-And turning what she says around to talk about yourself isn't just being a bad listener, it's just a sign that you're self-centered.

Gene

Your wife can help you by pointing it out to you when you do it. You just need to ask her to do it and when she does do it, accept it and not criticize her for doing what you asked. If you get enough of this feedback from her, it will help you in your other relationships.

Awareness is the necessary first step, and you've made that step. Good luck!

Alice223

Look at it through other peoples pont of view I bet you wouldent like it if people ignored what you say. Keep focused because sometimes what people say is so boring that we dose off. good luck friend,

Johnny C

Take a deep breath and stop thinking about what you're going to say next!

Oh, and it helps to tell her that you're aware you always do it. She might not know you know :)

F. Perdurabo

Relax. You just have a habit you no longer want. What you need to do to get out of that habit is to take on a daily discipline.

This is a task that needs to be accomplished on a daily basis. You do this just to do it, but you also do it to correct and mold your character.

I would recommend a daily discipline around listening. Let me tell you a couple of things about listening.

The person listening has all the power

A good listener:

Doesn't fidget
Doesn't think about what to say next
Doesn't interrupt
Doesn't think about work or baseball
Looks the speaker in the eye
Acknowledges the speaker occasionally

So what I would do is commit to listen to my wife for at least 10 minutes every day. That means LISTEN! Shut your mouth, shut your brain, and really HEAR what she is saying. After doing this for a while you may begin to notice that what she says and what she means are often two different things.

For example: I listen to my wife all the time. One day she says to me that she's just too tired to do her chores that night. When I heard behind what she was saying, I realized that she was asking me to do her chores. So I asked her if she wanted me to do her stuff and surprisingly she said yes and was very grateful.

You can do it!!!!!!!!!

FP

lola

the hardest thing for a guy to do is to actually LISTEN to what a female is trying to tell them...,most of the time, we don't want you to fix the problem or help us find ways to fix it ourselves, but just to listen to us vent about the issue at hand. women deal with things on a more emotional level and guys on a more logical/analytical level, so sometimes you just need to shut your mouth and think aobut things on an emotional or "in the moment" kind of way. you don't always have to get your point across...you don't know everything. you can learn alot about others ANd yourself from listening.

asgrafxx

Verbal bully, Conceded and insecure are we? Do you fell the need to be the center of attention?

You should stop and listen to what she says and it doesnâ€™t always have to be about you. You may want to find a counselor to help you through this phase of your life or explain the situation to your wife. She maybe able to help and punch you in the arm when you get out of line.

rhonda y

Well, you're taking the first step by admitting that you have a problem. When you are having a conversation just be aware of the other person, listen. If you cut them off ~~~Apologize, and let them continue.

Chuck P

My friend, In my 58 years, and 6 marriages, I have learned the hard way, that most of the times, NOTHING IS THE BEST THING TO SAY... By adopting my theory, you not only listen to your wife's every word, but you also never say anything you will be sorry for later... When you do finally speak, it will be words that you have thought about for some time, and not something that just comes off the wall...

Rimrock57..

Kool-kat

Go and sit in a court room and watch the Judge. It is his duty to listen to both sides. Watch how he listens. Sometimes the arguments of the lawyer goes on and on and very boring, the judge supresses one or several yawns. Many of the crowd who are free to leave the courtroom whenever the want leave. But the judge is bound to listen and listen till the lawyer finishes his argument. Take this opportunity, go sit in a courtroom and watch and learn how to listen and listen and listen to your wife till she finishes her argument.

Justlookin

The fact that you are aware of the problem and are interested in change tells me you stand a great chance of overcoming it. I hope you do because otherwise your wife will start to feel (if she hasn't already) unimportant in your life. Check out this link:

http://www.twu.edu/o-sl/counseling/SelfHelp026.html

You might consider councelling for the problem too.....find the root cause of why your mind wanders...it could be deeper than you thought. Much luck!

vmaxer85

Common problem but at least you recognize it.Most people with this problem never even take the time to recognize what they do is wrong,so in that you are on the right track.
First off you can start by not being so offended by the words of others.That's the biggest reason you do this.You feel the instant need to stand up for yourself.You need to tell yourself to "stop" and give your chance to hear what is being said and analyze it without getting too protective,cause if your not really listening your not getting half the truth someone is trying to tell you.No ones perfect,not you, not them but calming yourself down and realizing they are just hitting you with words not daggers and you will live regardless of them.Its then you will be able to take better constructive criticism.In life we must all learn from others at times,and most times the clearest picture is the one from the person on the outside looking in.You should know yourself well enough to know who you are inside and whats the truth and whats not.Don't lie to them or kid yourself and you wont find the need to cut them off.If they are right, they are right.Accept it and figure out how your going to put it to good use in the future.
Good luck!

saved_by_grace

Awareness of this problem is the first step. Decide today that you are going to stop this. Every time you catch yourself...remember that life as you know it can only get better if the people around you are happier. When someone has to have the last word, they are usually argumentative. People will really start noticing the difference after a while.
Good luck!

tillermantony

You are exactly like I used to be..What a pig I was.
The art of listening involves counting to 8 after the other person finishes speaking before replying.
Ask for cues to help you.
Show you are listening by repeatig in your own words what you think the other person has said, and ask questions to broaden your understanding
It all adds up to respect

ruby slippers

Being aware of what you do is a real good start. (Seriously.)

You don't have a problem with listening, you have a problem with hearing. You listen fine; but what you're listening for is the sound of their voice to stop while you think about what you're going to say next.

You have to approach listening as an activity rather than sitting idly by. Focus on the speaker, and make an active effort to comprehend what they're saying.

This is about them. It's not "like when you..."; it's just not about you at all.

Most importantly, give up the need to be right. If you think about it, in five years it won't likely matter anyway.

Le_Roche

You've acknowledged that you have a problem, which is the most important thing.

Find a counselor and go. Listen to what they tell you, take the tools they give you and use them. The most important thing will be to understand what triggers your need to be in control. Did you have problems being heard in your family while growing up? There could be a number of things that trigger this in you.

Good luck!

Job Lowe

There's good news and bad news. The bad news is that you're fighting biology. Meyers-Briggs demonstrated that your personality type is inate.

My guess is that if you were to take a Meyers-Briggs test you would find that you are highly intuitive (like 15 or better). That is why you take a little bit of information and start to instantly formulate a response - even before you have a complete set of facts. I recognize your predicament because Meyers-Briggs shows me as an 18 for this personallity factor...

The good news is that with a little work you can overcome your own natural tendencies. You will always be intuitive. Nothing you can do about that. But you can learn a new skill set that will make you more socially viable in our culture.

I try to practice active listening. By that I mean rephrasing what I think I heard the other party say to make sure I have a clear understanding of the content before I respond. If you were in my office having this conversation, before I answered you I hope I would say, "If I understand you correctly, you're concerned that you're not a very good communicator. Specifically your worried that you have a tendency to cut people off, formulate responses when you feel you should be listening and you feel compelled to get in the last word. Is that about right?"

By forcing yourself to look for content (knowing you're going to have to feed it back) you are not only validating the other person you are making a conscious decision to listen to his or her message. Sometimes people can take this to an almost condescending extreme. If you're going to use active listening, you have to be genuine about your intent. That being said you may find it a very valuable tool in perserving your interpersonal relationships with those who don't share your intuitive bent.

Someone Else

Stop what you are doing, shut your mouth and exert some self control. get some self help books and/or go to counseling. These will guide you in the right direction.
Admitting YOU are the problem is half the battle.

hasgr8boyz

Well one good thing is that you recognize that you have a problem with listening. You just need to stop interrupting. If your wife or anyone is talking to you about something, even if it doesn't interest you, just continue listen, don't interrupt or change the subject because that's rude. You probably wouldn't appreciate it if people cut you off all the time or if they didn't listen to you. You have to start to understand that your opinion is not always the most important one in a room. Once you begin to see other peoples opinons as equal to your own then this problem will dissolve. Just try and remember that your wife is an equal to you, you are partners so no one's opinion is better then the other and each person deserves the right to speak their opinion and to have one different then yours. Good Luck with everything.

Ã¢?Â Ã¢?Â¥ Steelnpearls Ã¢?Â¥ Ã¢?Â Deb Ã¢?Â¥Ã¢?Â¢.Ã‚Â¸Ã¢?Â¥

There are two reasons why you NEED to have your point. One is that when you were little you felt no one knew you existed or even cared how you thought about anything. So now as an adult you feel the NEED to HAVE IT!
Now the second reason. It's also an issue of control. You NEED to control and be in control of every aspect of your life. These two things are tough to understand, but if you realize you HAVE to TRUST your wife that she's there with you because she loves you and wants too, sit down with her and ask her forgiveness. Then when you feel that surge coming to control and HAVE your opinion first, just tell yourself to be quiet, calm, and relax. Then you will be able to see the fruits of what listening really brings to a relationship, and that's for ALL relationships.

I â™¥ Marcus Flutie

I've found that if you just sit down and talk with someone, and actively participate in the conversation while still maintaining the same subject, it makes it much easier...I avoid cutting people off by a) waiting for a pause in the conversation, b) saying "Sorry, but is it all right if I mention something" or c)allowing them to finish their bit before continuing on about your thoughts. You could even just make yourself remember what you wanted to say or write it down so that you're not in a rush to say what you were thinking. Also, ask her to just interrupt you if you rudely cut her off or change the conversation. She'll know that you are aware of what you do, and she'll be happy that you're trying to change your habit! I hope this helps, Good Luck!

deny_evrything

As I am writing this, I am going through a divorce. I think the biggest thing here is for you to stop and think about what you are going to say in response to her before you even open your mouth. I know that is the biggest issue that I had with my spouse. He was constantly telling me to shut up, or interrupting me before I was done.
I know that I've done what you do as well. I think we all have at some point or another. When I realize I'm doing it, I stop and take a deep breath. Not only does it stop me from talking it gives me a chance to think about what I've just said and how it may be taken by the person I'm talking to.
Your going down a dangerous path when all you do is end up talking about yourself. My spouse is like that as well. If he couldn't have the last word then he'd just talk over you. Having un-equal communication was what ruined my marriage...I hope it doesn't ruin yours.
regards,
~phoenix~

Rico Suave

well tink bout wat she is sayin is it important which most of the time it is, you should start or else u will be like i never agreed to that then ur screwed so start listen now before its to late

It is far better to be interested than interesting.

Two Words: SHUT UP

sy

akband

Be patient

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