How do I deal with my husband's ex wife? Am I being unreasonable?

flagger

Tell her to look in mirror and call back when she learns some nutrition..........

I know you can't really say that , but you want to don't you.

Policy against peanut butter because the other kids might be allergic? Sounds ridiculous to me and huge overreaction to the problem. It is one thing for the school to stop feeding kids products which contribute to allergy reactions it is yet another to create a policy against kids bringing their own lunch.
A kid with allergies is supposed to know what not to eat AND not share others lunches.
Sounds like you need to inquire to the school. It is not irresponsibility to be unaware of this policy regardless of the merits. Who knew?
It begs the question though, with the number of asthmatics in the schools , do they ban deodorants and fragrances as well?
Are they just more worried about anaphylaxis than they are slow strangulation? Wow where does it stop?
I guess it will remain for us to question school policy.

Peanut butter sandwich about 300 cal, If fresh ground PB and whole grain not bad. Apple, 200 cal. maybe, fiber and no artificial sugar, not bad, Skim Milk, a little fat (1%) may be better than skim for a child.
Sounds good to me. If 600 calories does not do it for lunch for a 5 yo what is she training for?

Kristin

At the schools in my town they ban any peanut butter products because of allergies. You're not being irresponsible, you were just unaware. It's not like you sent the kid to school without any food.

Winter is over... yay!

Actually...
Most schools and daycare now have a no-peanut policy. Meaning you can't give your child something that has peanuts in it for its school lunch.
Where I live, all schools have that policy. So everything has to be peanut-free.
It's because some kids are really allergic to it and can't be in the same room as products that have peanuts in it.

It has nothing to do with weight issues, it's solely because of food allergies.

Annabella

His ex is a b*tch.

Bud

I have never heard of schools being against peanut butter sandwiches. If they were I suppose George Washington Carver's work was incorrect and in vain as he found peanut butter is one of the best products in the grocery store.

But, just to be safe, contact the school and ask them if this is true and document what they say changing your step-daughter's lunch if appropriate. When you find out it is false, document that, present it to your husband and ask that he deal with his ex. Is she picking on you? Probably but that is part of being the new wife. The ex is jealous and has to prove that you are unfit even if she looks stupid in her efforts.

BTW, please don't stoop to her level. Don't call her names or put her down in front of your step-daughter. This will only serve to make your step-daughter resentful of you and I am certain you don't want that to happen. Being a step-mother is a mostly thankless job but an extremely important one. You will have a tremendous impact on this girl's life for good or for bad. I hope, for the both of you, that it is more the former.

Good luck.

Gorgeous

She was being rude. There was no reason to call you irresponsible. She should have politely let you know about the school policy, realizing you couldn't possibly have known about it. My suggestion is that the next time you get a call like this you are clear and assertive (but sweet) and ask that she give you information so you can help the kids. She's going to be rude anyway--don't let her get to you.She could have thanked you for feeding her kids, but she didn't. Don't let it bother you at all. You couldn't have known at all.

æ‰©å¼ çˆ±

Ouch.. I know how you feel. I have an aunt that really pisses me off. She's a neat freak so she has to decontaminate me before I can visit her(what the hell?). Anyway you may want to talk with your husbands ex-wife because she has no business in your marriage. Start out polite, but if worse comes to worse get a counselor or something.

poodle mom

my sons school has a NO PEANUT BUTTER policy, due to so many kids with alergies. if you didnt, know, then you didnt. i would have packed more than that though.

jello

some schools do have a problem with peanut butter as they have found many kids to have allergies to it. her words 'irresponsible' are choice...to hurt your feelings. cuz she's hurt that some other woman is caring for her child. you'll have to get used to that. if youve a cool head about you, you will apologize even if youre innocent to any problems with the lunches and ask her for some typical lunches. you dont have to pack the same amounts....just use normal amounts for a child. good luck

ladybugjinnie

It's actually very common for schools to have a "Peanut Butter Policy". But in my daughters school it is not anti PB, there are just certain table in the cafe that are peanut free (because of student with allergies).
I think she may have overreacted calling you irresponsible, it sounds like you packed a pretty good lunch.
Her weight probably has no bearings on the subject. But I applaud your effort to make you family healthy.
Ex's are a sticky situation. I am an ex wife to my first husband and I don't much get along with my ex's new wife (but he cheated on me with her, so we never will). But as a parent my new husband & I agree that if it doesn't effect the child's safety, it's not really worth the time & effort to call & argue.
She may just be picking on you, just try to be the bigger person. Good luck!

josaphine_hope

I don't see anything wrong with the lunch that you packed. If she claims the school has a rule against peanut butter, then I would speak to the school directly and ask for a copy of any such rules. There very well may be such a rule with the increasingly large number of kids that are allergic to peanuts and peanut butter. My step-son's school has a peanut free section of the cafeteria.

Just check with the school, and if there is no such rule - just chalk it up to her being nasty and controlling. If there is, just send a note saying "Until today, I was not aware of any such rule with the school. They have given us a copy of the school rules, so now I know. In the future, if you could send any information of this nature along to our house, as well - it will avoid any such issues in the future. Thanks!" That's a cordial, nice way of bringing up the "How the heck was I supposed to know if no one told me?!" lol

Good Luck!

Requiem of the Dream

"No Nut" rules are proliferating at schools with the incresase in life-threatening peanut allergies. Our whole district went "no nut" this year. All the parents were notified. How is the communication between the school and the child's father? Have both of you read the school's parent manual? It is your job if you are caring for this child to know the school's rules. Your excuse "I have never heard of it before" is like driving a car and saying you didn't know what a yield sign means. If you get behind the wheel (care for the child, send her to school) you need to familiarize yourself with the school rules. It is not the ex-wife's job to educate you (or her ex-husband) on how to be a parent. If you are putting another child's life at risk at some level you are negligent.

Jay bird

No, you just didn't know better. She should have just informed you not gotten after you, but most schools do not allow peanut butter due to allergies.

~~HaVe An AwEsOmE dAy~~

First you should call the school and ask them if they banned PB sandwiches (highly doubtful). Then I would just ignore the exwife, she is an ex for a reason and has no say on what you do in your house.

DDBPIT

OK so most school are against peanut butter sandwiches because of childrens nut allergies.
In my old primary school there was one little girl in the whole school who had a nut allergy, it was so bad if she was in the canteen and someone else was to have, lets say a peanut butter sandwich, it could be fatal for her. Therefore they was banned from school.
On the other hand, you was not to know this as she isnt your daughter and probably is not as involved in her schooling as her mum.
I do think she was out of line to say you was irresponsible though.
Explain this to your husband, and dont do it again. Stick, ham, cheese or jam or something.
Hope this helped. xx

jmd72inva

no- you aren't being unreasonable...sounds like she has some issues with another woman in her child's life. Try this- ask her what she prefers her daughter has for lunch.

(and no...school's don't have an issue with peanut butter sandwiches)

.................

It's not about peanut butter being healthy or not.
A lot of schools have a ban on peanut products because of children who are allergic to peanuts, peanut oil, peanut butter, etc. It can cause anafalexic shock and kill them. It is very common in a lot of schools.
She could have been polite and explained it to you. She probably was picking on you because you didn't know...she could have called and been nice, said something like "Thanks for packing a lunch today, but in the future don't pack any peanut products, the school has a ban on them because of peanut allergies."

besgwineboogie

Many schools DO have strict policies against any peanut product due to the danger of allergic reactions. Schools in my area prohibit all home baked cookies because they could contain peanuts. However the ex could have pointed that out in a nice way instead of being a jealous spiteful beeaitch.

â™«â„¢!eM O' LiL tsuJâ™¥

It seems a quiet a lot of youngsters these days are allergic to peanuts even the smell. Quite strange. But schools have the responsibility to make it known that peanuts and peanuts products aren't allowed at school any longer. Some schools ask you to bring almond butter which actually a llot more healthy for you.

TotalRecipeHound

You are not being irresponsible. You just haven't been told. Actually, yes, many schools do not allow kids to bring peanut butter sandwiches to school because kids who have peanut allergies can become very ill even just being close enough to smell it. I have my opinion about how it should be handled by the schools, but the exwife should have TOLD you about it. So, she was actually the irresponsible one.

My suggestion is to contact the school yourself and ask them if there are any other concerns that you should be aware of as the child's mother told you nothing about the peanut butter issue.

Personally, I think kids with such life threatening allergies should all be filtered to one or two schools in the district rather than 'punishing' the rest of the kids by forbidding peanut butter.

okeydokeyjal22

Yikes! Ok, I had never heard of a school being against peanut butter, but now it makes since. That being said, how were you supposed to know? For her to have heard about it I am assuming the school called her? That would explain her attitude. I would go to the school & ask what they would recommend you send so that you can choose a balanced lunch (cheese sandwiches everyday can't be healthy & cold soup is pretty gross) Anyway, does the child live with you guys or is it joint custody? The reason I ask is that if you have full-time custody the school should call YOU, not the other mom & then maybe these bio-mother lashings wouldn't happen.

Basically, I would avoid peanut butter in the future, but come up with a variety of other healthfull foods to send & see about arranging for the school to call YOU next time.... Good Luck!

P.S. Honestly I am impressed by the lunch you packed, most kids are send with lays, cookies, puddings & even sodas! Stand by you choices, who would've known schools no longer encouraged peanut butter?

Reiki Chick

It sounds like she overreacted a bit. I would recommend not taking it too personal as it probably has more to do with the fact that her ex has moved on than anything else.

In regards to the peanut butter issue. Yes, many many schools have banned it. Even though it is healthy for most people to eat. Some children are allergic. The allergic reaction is actually called "anaphylactic reaction" due to the severity.

What this means is that if another child comes in contact with the peanut butter their throat closes up and they can die within minutes. Of

They don't even need to eat the sandwich to cause this serious reaction. Even touching the tiniest trace of peanut oil can cause the reaction. And depending on where the adults are at the time, the child could be too far along to be saved by the time someone notices.

How could this happen. Imagine a child with a peanutbutter sandwich. Most definitely it will be all over their hands, mouth, and probably lunchbox, table etc. Peanutbutter is sticky making it harder to wash off than other things. The oil sticks to the skin even after scrubbing hard. Next thing you know, the child with the allergy is playing with the same toys as the one who had the sandwich. The slightest trace of peanut oil passed onto a pencil to the other child is enough to cause a reaction.

So its much better to ban peanut butter from the school setting when a child with this level of health concern attends, then to assume at a 5 1/2 year old will studiously scrub their hands, face, desk, lunchbox, and all utensils etc enough to be clear of the peanut oil.

Responsible schools send home lots of notices regarding their ban, as well as have signs on the doors. So maybe you could mention it to your husband that you both need better communcation with the school. You could also use that point when dealing with the EX. If she had informed you of the school policy, it wouldn't have been an issue.

Here's some links so you can check up on it yourself.

I hope that helps.

Lela

She does sound a little unreasonable, but some schools are against peanut butter sandwiches. The nut allergies in them that some kids are so sensitive to can really wreak havoc on a child. A lot of our schools have started to ban peanut butter. She should have been grateful though that you were packing a healthy lunch for her daughter. maybe to keep the peace you could ask for a list of banned foods. You sound like a good step mom!

grumpyindian

First place to start is asking abut school lunch policies and if the peanut butter is against the rules.There is nothing irresponsible about eating healthy.Does the child like peanut butter or is the child allergic to it?

lilyblue_2000

You aren't being unreasonable, but there are some school programs that may advise against peanut butter due to some serious allergic reactions. The woman will probably try any angle to instigate a quarrel with you. Best to thank her for her advice, and don't get in a conversation. However, if it happens again or if she tries another tack to start trouble, tell your husband and ask him to handle it. That way, you'll stay clear of it, and she'll just make an idiot of herself. I hope that I've helped you out.

Hawksley Owen was born Oct 23!

My children's school will not allow them to bring peanut butter sandwiches to school either, nor are they allowed to bring any snack that doesn't have the "no peanut" checkmark on it. I find it to be very unfair to the mass amount of children who are not allergic, compared to the small amount who are, but as this allergy causes death, their overreaction is almost understandable.
I do believe your husband's ex-wife is being a bit crazy about it. Couldn't you just tell her that you didn't know that they couldn't have peanut butter and be done with it or does she like to drag things on?

My daughter only likes peanut butter sandwiches or salami sandwiches, so she gets a salami sandwich almost everyday... it is very unfair.

Just that One

I think that they may need more food then that, that seems a bit scarce for growing children but i don't know what school's have against PB&J it's a classic.

amada

Whether the school is against or pro the peanut sandwiches is not what she is concerned about. She is probably feeling low about another woman preparing the sandwich for her daughter. Just the fact that she is overweight shows she is feeling depressive nowadays. Depressive mothers can prepare healthy snacks too for the record, but I think she was just being bitter.I would try not to hear the 'Irresponsible' part, I 'd say okay, and give a tunafish or cheese sandwich next time and not fight,. Why bother? She probably knows she is being unreasonable too, but I'd just say,' Oh, I didn't know', and let the subject drop and go.

crissy83

her being overweight has nothing to do with anything and that's just being mean I understand that you did not know about the peanut butter policy at school but they have that in place now because so many kids are now deathly allergic to peanut butter but you should not be called irresponsible for not being better informed but next time put a lil snack or treat in for the kid shes only five she plays all that energy out on recess

lindervish

First of all, young kids should be drinking whole milk or at least 2% milk. I understand wanting to be healthy, but kids need healthy fats in their diets.

Second, almost every school around here has a 'no peanut' policy. It may be extreme, but since people have been known to die from just kissing someone who ate peanuts, I can get behind the policy.

Third, for someone who seems awfully concerned about getting 'picked on', you seem to have no problem picking on his ex-wife about her weight. I would say that you need to develop your own self-esteem.

Brianna

Call the school and find out what is going on. When the school tells you it isn't true, make sure you get the persons name of whom you spoke too. Once you have that, simply call back the ex wife and explain very nicely that you called the school and spoke to so in so. She said that peanut butter is allowed. Next say you are certain she meant well and you wanted to make sure that you also did not go against school rules. (Don't accuse her of lying or being nasty!, be nice and take the high road). Explain there must have been some mix up, but you are glad to know you didn't break the school rules or offend the school in any way.

Better yet, have your husband call and say that exact thing to her.

She's not liking the fact that her daughter likes you. First you have her husband, no matter how irrational that is. Even if she left him, she may not want him happy. Next, she now has a daughter who is being taken care of by you. Feeling like she's losing her daughter as well as her husband. Here's this nice family over there, when that man couldn't make it with her after promising till death do them part. Again, rational doesn't have to play any part in this when it comes to emotions.

She probably hates that you are a healthy weight. Though, i hope a healthy weight and not just skinny. The later rarely looks good and has plenty of it's own issues. And you do look down on her for her weight, something she doesnt' need you teaching to her own daughter. Can you understand that at all? That would be very irresponsible of you to teach your daughter to disrespect her mother for her weight or anything else. Don't make weight an issue at your home. If it is that big of an issue, you might need some help of your own.

Many women start their eating disorders in a marriage. They are so unhappy that they fill the pain with food to go numb. This is half in part of both partners. Your husband is partly at fault for it all. Every relationship is 50/50 no matter how we'd like to only blame the other one. She may not know how to break the cycle of pain at this point. Him having a new wife who is happy with him, who's think and who he's treating well isn't helping her. Then to have his new wife help to raise the kid is very distructive in someone who is hurting.

Start thinking differently about her. Your husband loved this woman at one time, whether he wants to admit it or not. This woman was good inside and things went wrong. She gained weight, so what? Her weight shouldn't even be an issue for you. Her weight doesnt' ahve anything to do with the situation or you for that matter. You are just being petty back, are you not? Esepcially iwht your.. just for the record... comment. You wanted to slam her. She's fat and i'm not, attitude. Like that should play any kind of factor into any of this?? Be honest with yourself, wasn't that even worse than what she just did with you?

Now, maybe her daughter doesnt' like peanut butter sandwiches and didn't know how to tell you. Maybe she'd feel she was being mean if she said her daughter didn't like them, so instead she tried a cover story instead.

Maybe you are overly worried about this childs weight and want to control it for her? Which isn't healthy for the child in the least. But it's also not healthy for you to overly obsess on it either.

Ask the step daughter if she likes your peanut butter sandwiches, tell her to be completely honest. Sounds like a very dry meal during a hot time of year. Might not be enjoyable. Maybe if you get some jelly to put on it or something far less dry. Skim milk sounds like punishment of some sort to me. Watered down milk doesn't taste good to anyone who's not extremely used to drinking it. A child needs more calcium than that offers as well. Be good to her and get her 2% for her lunches.

Something more is going on wiht this story and i am betting it stems from the child or your absolute need for thinness to be around you. You may be damaging that child and she doesnt' know how else to fight you on it. Or you'll throw the fat card into her face. which, trust me, she already knows.

don't try to help the child lose weight, don't try to talk to her about weight. Most studies show that children are messed up more when you try. Most conversations about weight lead to a child not feeling good about themselves which causes them to gain weight.

Go look at this from other views. Step outside of yourself and see how you might be hurting or hindering this child when you are truly wanting to help. Don't help with denying her, she'll just eat more when the chance arises. Go out and play wiht her more, get her more active so she can burn calories without knowin about it. Stop seeing this about you and the ex. Work on your empathy for her and don't feel sorry for her. The man you have now may not have been the man she had then. Not really fair now when they change like that.

If the school truly does have a no peanut butter policy, a

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