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How do I deal with this coworker since he slept with her?
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How do I deal with this coworker since he slept with her?

About six months ago my wife made a mistake with a coworker and went home with him from a work-related party. They are both teachers at the same school. She was intoxicated and got a ride from him but instead of dropping her at our place he took her to his. She admits everything was voluntary though she was very drunk. Apparently when she woke in the morning she was on his couch but was undressed and he and his roommates were in the kitchen having breakfast when one of them woke her up and helped her get dressed. When she got home she told me what had happened (I was not awake and did not know she was out all night until she came in our front door). We went to several counseling sessions and have dealt with some of my anger and her guilt also and I asked her a lot about what happened and why she was irresponsible. But I am not sure how to deal with this guy who did this selfish act. I do not like to see him at her school functions and do not like him around her. I think that he is a younger guy (20s) and for him it was just fun but for me it is my whole marriage. How do I act around him? Should I confront him or does that make it worse?


    




Finance Guy
I do admire your commitment to your marriage as I probably would not have stayed had my wife done the same. Anyway, to answer your question I wouldn't suggest that you seek out a confrontation. That would certainly make matters worse in several ways, depending on how ugly it gets with him. However, I do understand it must be infuriating to see him at functions, especially if they're interacting with one another, professionally or otherwise. The simple truth is you need to get him out of your life, otherwise the healing process for your marriage can never really take root, if that is your ultimate goal. With that said, I understand there's no easy answers here. Short of anything extreme (as suggested in other comments), the first thing that I thought is that she needs to find new employment, or at least transfer to a different school within the existing district. I can't imagine that you could ever accept her being in his presence regardless of any amount of counseling. That's really just the first step, though, as drastic as it may sound. Dealing with why your wife did it in the first place is the longer-term, more serious issue. I'll tell you something I learned a long time ago in dealing with other guys in general - they really don't care if your wife is married. Nor should they be. It's not their responsibility to respect the integrity of your relationship. Don't forget that. Get this guy out of your life first and then make sure you’re always aware of the situations your wife is exposed to. Trust is important in a relationship, but we humans are always subject to making mistakes. There’s a very fine line between being too distrustful and not enough. Good luck with everything and I hope it works out for you.


Jackie
No you don't need to confront him. It would only lead to insults. You don't need to be degraded more by him telling you what a good time he had with your wife. Just drop it. If you have forgiven her, then let it go.


Willa
Your wife needs to ask the school board for a transfer to another school.


docgabriel
I'm sorry...truly.

I know you're not asking for it but, I'd like to address what your wife did. Have you found out why she did it? What were her exact reasons? ...and even after she tells you. What will you do about it?

It seems that you can, and will stomach, staying in the relationship...good luck to you both.

How do you act around him? You gotta clock him in the mouth! Whether you know for sure that this is the guy or not, or if your wife was really in no shape to say no to him. This guy knew who she was and decided to do this. He should be man enough to take a beat down.

You gotta do it. A repraisal of some form.

I've done what that guy has done....I understood the consequences...unlike him and you, I'm very far away form him. But, if he wanted to beat me up, I'd let him throw the first punch. At least that much...


Going_Crazy
Rating
you're a really sweet guy for wanting to sort this out

but honestly, should you be on yahoo answers asking this question?

i think you should actually tell ur wife how you feel

obviously, even though u probably dont know what to do,
a part of you probably wants to beat the hell out of him

the other part of u, is saying my wife would be angry at me and it is not the right thing to do

you may have dealt with ur anger towards ur wife,
but it seems you have not dealt with ur anger towards the coworker

think of the conseuqences of ur actions

i cant tell u what u should do

personally, i would punch him in the face, for the sake of it
so i feel better

but that's me,
choose your actions and live with the conseuqences
remember that


charles t
Your wife is a player. She sounds like my ex. She put herself in this situation, and you don't "like him around her". He's still around her, and she doesn't speak up? Next time he's around her regardless of where it is go up to him, if he's around her, and tell him to get the hell away from her and tell hime loud enough if it's at a function. Your wife likes this attention.





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