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Alion
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Of course you've changed,and with two young kids it doesn't make things any easier. You can't live your life over again,you
have to make do with what you've got. Don't blame your husband
because you can bet this wasn't what he had in mind either.Do
you measure up to his expectations or are you as much of a disappointment to him?
The question you should ask yourself is are you better off with or
without him? Go from there. |
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middle aged and love it
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People change over time as do their needs and desires. I think that over time both you and your husband have changed directions in the marriage. Also you have small children that contribute to your feelings - stress of raising them, cleaning house, and all that fun stuff. Some of you judgmental feelings could be because of the stress you are now under that was not there when you first go married. Both you and your husband need to spend quality time together and really discuss the issues. The other thing I would do is spend ME time with out the kids and hubby to just relax. |
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hotdesersand
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Take an honest time out with your feelings and ask yourself if you really want to live with him or not. Take few days before you answer. If your answer is yes then for everybody's sake accept his personality and try to positively change him in a loving way. If your answer is No, you don't want to continue living with him then also make it easier on everybody and arrange to separate in peace. You are struggling because you have not decided what to do. Once you decide you will feel better and you can work on what you want in this life. Remember time is passing, there is no point of making it hard on everyone. Make a brave decision and act on it. |
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souljagirpart2
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You know sometimes I feel that way with my fiance but I have felt displaced in my past relationship as well! I guess in the full scope of things I guess after while your not living for yourself which I am not. I just sacrifice and cope and try to look on the brighter side of things. Don't get me wrong though I have great months and bad day when that thought daunts me "I may be with him for the wrong reasons". I just figure hell I might as well make the best of it after all it is what I wanted! Don't know what advice I could give but I guess I could just say you're not alone! |
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J P
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You and your husband should see a marriage councelor,, if you want to save the marriage you're both going to have to change. If not then yall need to go your own ways. You're not happy and he apparently isn't. Don't make your children grow up in a loveless home. |
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Cartman
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Sounds like you need counseling. The problem isn't with your husband, the problem is with you. |
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nrgounder
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Do concerntrate on your work only and feel nothing about for some time in other matters.Shed all the feelings from your brain. Give a holiday for thinking process. Go on like this for some time.
Watch everthing as a spectator in a traffic without your mind working. |
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nea_11
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i know how you feel because i seem to be going thru the same thing. best advice i can say is to speak to him. spend some alone time with him like a date and try to rekindle what you feel is missing or need to fix. or maybe you need some time apart. its hard but you need to try to make it better or you guys will end up hating each other. |
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treeman1266
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Dang girl it sounds to me like you are in a pickle. Relationships can be quite difficult at times. There are always disagreements of some sort. Why do we seem to pick on our partners? We try to shape and mold our partner into what our expectations of them are. We are quite upset with our selves but its always easier to put the blame elsewhere. Just remebe that a relationship is a two way street and if you only think that you are giving then honestly you are not |
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christa s
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Consider therapy, it helps (if you can find a good therapist).
Do you love him? I'm not talking about the romance. Do you love him? The reality is that you could leave at any time. It sounds to me like you want to make this marriage work. I've been married for 11 years and also have 2 kids. I got into therapy for myself and eventually my husband came in with me because it was either that, or divorce. It's working.
In the mean time, try to remember that he is a person with thoughts and feelings to, and if you're not telling him right out that he's not "good enough", I'm sure he can sense that and is feeling it. |
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Silly chick
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Tell him ALL of that. Sit him down one quiet night, after the kids go to bed and tell him all of that or go to coffee and tell him.
He will offer some solution and you can talk it out. |
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snowman67
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I think you answered your own question.I never saw the word "love" once in your discription of your feelinings for your husband.After all that is the foundation of tolerance,"give & take"The hardest thing in the world to do is to live with someone that is not like you.If love never brought you togother,lack of it will push you apart. |
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tiptop
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U have to ask Ur self if u still love him and did he gave u that security,stability u were after if yes, then u should give him a credit. Not many blokes can make u feel secure....most of the time, they want it from u.lol and what is soil mate Ur not playing game or watching TV u have to bring up Ur kids and for that u do need a good stable man and a dad to Ur kids |
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cheer4tgirl@sbcglobal.net
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talk to him tell him wat u feel |
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some1_on_the_side
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It seems to me most women get married for the reason you describe (security and stability). You are do busy looking to find a guy that can give you a secure future that you overlook the things you need to stay together for the long haul. You figure you will be able to change him down the road and mold him into the person you dreamt of as a teenager. That is so wrong...
Why have you waited 15 years before coming to this conclusion? Even in your question, you place all the blame on him again instead of looking at the real problem...you and your overly high expectations! If you want out of the marriage, then tell him that...give him the kids and don't take any alimony and go find your prince charming. DON"T make him support you and live off him until you can find your ideal guy. HE did NOTHING wrong!!! Be an adult and don't make him pay for your mistake. Make a clean break and good luck finding your dream guy. |
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tibo25
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The man you are looking for does not exists
Keep walking |
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hutmikttmuk
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There could be any number of reasons why you are sabotaging your relationship - boredom, fear of success, anger, unmet expectations. It would help to identify what the issues are
However, that aside, you need to find a more enduring purpose for your marriage then fulfilling your desires. You have two little kids. The best thing you could do for them is model what a healthy relationship looks like, and give them the security of knowing things are good at home.
You certainly won't help your marriage by dwelling on your husbands perceived faults. Your negative attitude towards him and your excuses that "maybe he isn't the right person" will only cause you to spiral downward. You need to stop thinking about your husband being "the right person" and you need to work hard to be the right person. Pour yourself into your relationship, discover what makes Him feel loved, look for ways to encourage and build him up. I think the results will surprise you.
You are at a crossroad. You can either give up and live with the question "What could have been", or you can make something of it. The best things in life take perseverance, hard work, a positive outlook and a purpose that goes beyond yourself. |
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Blunt
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You have falled in to a vicious circle fueled by old habits.
You have stopped communicating to each other by holding on to grudges and unresolved isuues, that's why you feel irritated by everything that he does, when the root to the problem is other, but the only way for you to show your discontentment is nickpicking into everything and nagging constantly.
Your behavuious is not helping and is not solving the situation. You are reacting to the true problem but you are not telling him what the real problem is. You say that you want somebody to listen to you, so the reason of your discontentment is not that he is a procrastinator but rather that you feel ignored, taken for granted and neglected.
Marriage counseling will help you break the bad relationship habits, improve your communication and help you unterstand each other needs.
Good luck |
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arthurmljr
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they say faults look big when love is small. Maybe you love your husband much lesser now than before.
If you could go back to the time when you were still madly inlove with him, maybe your feelings towards him will come back. Why not think of all his good points rather than his bad points.
why don't you give him all the things you want from him. maybe, he will give it back to you too. Do good things for him and he will do the same. I have learned that in order to recieve, you have to give first. |
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*~* tErrA *~*
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have you talked to him about it? does he feel the same way? children are not a good reason to stay with someone, even though your intentions are good, it will end up hurting everyone. if youre not happy, dont try to force things. you cant control your emotions, who you love, and who you dont. maybe taking some time apart (not divorce), more like "vacations". me and my bf did that a while back after being together for 2 years. we didnt talk for a month. weve been back together for a year now and very rarely fight about anything anymore. sometimes you just need some YOU time. |
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madeit
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Read Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband
You probably did meet the right man and your caught up in the stupid I Hate Men attitudes put out in popular culture. A man that offers security and stability sounds like a man worth loving and you have 15 years behind you and two kids.
Sounds like you need a tune up on the TRULY important things in life.
Good luck, I wish the best for your children, husband and yourself. |
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distalbicept
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You already answered your own question: you married the wrong person, you have changed, and you know what you want now, so get out while your still young enough. Kids are no reason to stay together, move on. |
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Peter H
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I think you are unhappy in your current situation.
You ascribe to your self the characteristic of being judgmental towards your husband? Are you the same towards others too?
It seem that this habit is not helping you (or him).
How does he react when you judge him? I am guessing this is not making him happy.
Is he agressive in response? Does he withdraw? Repeated judgement makes people sensitive....
You have travelled 15 years with him. Do you wish to sort this out? Seek help if you do. Right not you need peace with him and yourself.
Your children deserve a happy and loving home.
Peter |
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daljack -a girl
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You have 2 small children...snap out of it and stop being selfish.
You're either angry with him or angry with yourself don't let that anger screw up your children, they don't deserve it. There is no man on earth who can be everything you want wrapped up with a cute little bow. There's no magic wand....marriage takes effort on the part of both people. There are counselors who charge on a sliding scale look in the yellow pages and call one. |
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the_fox1101
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.maybe u two should go to counseling together. |
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killbill
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i think you should take a little time away and see how you really feel and if you still feel the same way i think you should go seperate ways, its no sense being in a relationship iif your all is not in it and its not fair to your husband to have to deal with it after hes trying to be so understanding, dont make him turn miserable. best of luck. |
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Shane M
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I have heard of this kind of thing before. You're not the only one that does this but it seems, and I'm not saying that this is the case but, the people I have heard this from have done something in the past that they would rather not tell their partner...
Sub consciously they then tell themselves that the other party is to blame when in actual fact they are just obscuring the truth about the situation - they have all been afraid of confrontation and have not wanted to discuss the event with their partner.
If this is the case - You need to tell your husband that you have a secret that he does not know about. The worst thing that can happen is that he does in fact leave you - although unlikely this is what you're driving him toward either way so you have nothing to loose.
On the other hand - the secret may not be the case - you may be suffering from an inferiority complex. Don't be fooled. This has nothing to do with confidence. Some of the most confident people I know have had terrible self images. If this is the case you need to address an issue that will only get worse if you leave it.
You need to talk to your husband and let him know that you are having difficulty - I can understand that asking the question that you just did here in the forum may invoke some anger and spark off a fight which is the last thing that either of you need right now...
You must remember that for a healthy relationship to keep growing doesn't mean that you get to a comfort zone and stay there - you have to keep working as I am sure that you know...
Communication is essential - keep talking to your husband and make it known that you have a problem - don't make it his problem through shouting at him etc, rather ask him for his help - this will in turn make him feel as though he is important enough to be an integral part of his life and should help him feel better about putting in more effort... |
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Elizabethfrny
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First Step,
Focus, focus, focus....on liking yourself. Work on appreciating your own values. Build your own self esteem. Start doing more little things for yourself. Claim reponsibility for yourself and your own contentment. Relearn and rediscover who you are now.
That coud take months...
Next try, really try to start treating everyone the way you want them to treat you........
This will also take months
Then and only then can you decide what to do with 'him', |
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nemrod777
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Start over, go on dates, tell him what you want out of life and out of him and try to love him in the way you want him to love you.
If you are doing all this outside of Church you have no chance anyway. I believe that no relationship where God is not in the center can be healthy. Go to Church... |
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nknicolek
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I think somtimes all women feel that way... we are inscure over the littlest things and it has everything to do with our man... I think that it sounds to me like you need to let go of some things... and change some things about yourself to enable yourself to see the same man you fell in love with 15 years ago... I know us women think so much more about things (more in depth) about issues and that is why we get so wrapped up in our men being ":good enough"... we need to learn to be more accpeting of what they give us in our relationship... and feel more into it to understand that they are what we molded all these years and it's like we do that and then we say well dang.. I changed that so he would change this too for me... and we keep going... til there is nothing left... Why do we do that ? LOL... I so need to take my own advice here.. (as you can tell I sort of feel the same way sometimes LOL)...but really... we need to accept what they are ... and not pressure them to be someone they are not... we need to learn to be more carefree and take their word for things..(even when we think it is perfect enough) I guess we would be surprised!
Good Luck I wouldn't give up on him... just dig for that old feeling! |
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