How do you ask for your spouse's support for your anger toward your parents who abused and molested you?

I have not seen my parents for several years until yesterday afternoon when my mother showed up out of blue. The reason I don't see my mother is because he is still married to my step dad who abused me and my brother. He also molested me and my mother is very award of it. She is in so much denial about this that it hurts me just seeing her.

Anyhow, the problem is that my husband doesn't understand my anger toward her. He is a smart and good person. I think it is very hard for him to imagine the awful things that my parents did to me and it doesn't seem to registered how bad they really were.

What is crazy is that I'm more angry at my husband than my mother. I'm afraid that it will ruin my marriage. It seems like a losing battle all round for me. If I don't make a bid deal out of it, it makes me feel like I need to be in guard with everyone. I go back to " I can't trust no one," thing that I have been working so hard with therapy to get over.

If I express how I really feel to him, it turns him off so much that he shuts down completely.

Any experience with this issue? Any thought ?

This is a very difficult subject for me. Please courteous language please. I don't mind what you say as long as you say it in a courteous manner.

Thank you.

Sue C

Number one, you KNOW he does NOT understand how you feel, how you were hurt both physically & mentally. I KNOW a bit about violence as I WAS/AM a victum of domestic violence. I KNOW how it feels to be physically & mentally hurt by someone. I CANNOT begin to ever fathom how you as a child would feel regarding ALL you went thru. I KNOW it was totally horrific for you tho. I KNOW how you can have resentment twds. the person/persons who inflicted this on you as I had it done by two "ex" husbands & one to the extent of choking me to the point of passing out, the other repedidally on my body that has arth. in it. So I DO KNOW the pain it can cause. I truly believe that NO ONE can know just what you went thru & your deep feelings about it all. On the other hand, is it remotely possible he does NOT want to think about you being hurt & abused? He doesn't want to accept or acknowledge this truly did happen to you. We've ALL seen & heard terrible stories in the news, movies etc. of things of this nature. It could just be possible he does not want to accept you were one of these people, so instead he just shuts it out & doesn't want to hear about it. Not that he loves you any less, as I'm SURE he does love you, & that just may be the reason for it. From your wording of him "shutting down completely", just may be for that simple reason that IF or what he doesn't know, won't hurt him. If you're in counseling for this, maybe you could run this by your counselor & see what their feelings about this may be. I think in a way he's "protecting" himself against accepting & know about this. IF this IS THE REASON, this would all come out of his LOVE FOR YOU! Think about it. It's like "his way" of "protecting you" so to speak. He doesn't have to feel & deal w/the pain you feel about it. I CANNOT blame you for your feelings twds. your mother either. PLEASE do NOT let this ruin your marriage or turn your love off towards him until you find out just what the reason is. You've surely had enuf losses over it all, don't "allow" this to now ruin another thing in your life, to rob you of someone who truly DOES love you. See IF you can find out just where he's coming from w/his feelings in one way or another. I feel what you're feeling is called "displaced anger"! You're angry at "others", BUT, you're blaming someone else for this anger...Maybe he would even be willing to go to a counseling session just he himself & talk to your counselor who would know just the rite things to say to him. You're the ONLY ONE who has full control over this whole situation. Haven't you had more than too much pain because of it? Is it worth having even more pain because of it? Think about it & see just what you want this to be "allowed" to do further in your life. See IF it hasn't robbed you of enuf & it's now time to stop it & only YOU can be the one to do it. You're the only one who has FULL CONTROL over it all. I trust you CAN get this all straightened out w/o suffering more loss because of it. I certainly DO wish you ALL THE BEST, & I just trust you can get to the bottom of it so you'll finally be FREE of it. Take GOOD care of YOU...:)

peking

How are you expressing your feelings to him? Are you talking to him about this *not* in a fit of anger or frustration...but sitting down at a calm moment to discuss? What is it you expect of him exactly? He may not understand what it is you actually want him to *do* - even if that's "just listen." I would suggest you two try a couple of rounds of couples' counseling to go talk about this in a safe place. It is entirely understandable that you would have a lot of baggage about this ... but he may feel overwhelmed and confused, and you yourself may not be totally clear and direct with regards to your expectations of him.
I wish you the best; hang in there.

Invisigoth

sometimes a third party can explain it better to your SO than you can. If you have a therapist, then take him in for a session w/ you.

honestly though, you've told him enough of what happened and it caused him to shut down towards you and he still doesn't get it? Then I'd have to say he's not very intelligent, compassionate or empathetic and have to wonder if you've not worked through your issues and have wound up marrying someone like your parents.

missmojo78

I know it's not an easy conversation to have with him, but have you let him know what exactly happened? I'm thinking if you haven't he may not have any idea why it was such a big deal. You could ask him if he is willing to go to a therapy appointment with you.

benjamin m

I have similar experiences however, you will never be able to make anyone understand what your parents have done and how they have hurt you. You just need to decide whether you want to continue being a victim of their abuse or a survivor in spite of them! Once you stop considering what they could have done, or should have done to save you from the nightmare that was your life you can move on to what IS your life. Look forward, not backward and give your family the life and love that was nonexistent in your childhood.

GUY bein' a GUY

You are transferring your anger from your mother to your husband.

This transference is self defeating.

No he cannot understand because he cannot imagine the pain.

Therapy is indicated.

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