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How do you resolve leaving your husband when he's a decent guy?
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How do you resolve leaving your husband when he's a decent guy?

I've been married over 30 years. I married when I was very young-was in LOVE and couldn't wait. I have changed over the years--basically grew up and became an adult and learned what I liked/enjoyed/wanted from life several years into the marriage. My husband is a decent guy-he'll never be unfaithful, he'll always have a job and he'll always pay the bills. But being with him has kept me miserable for the last 10 years. I KNOW that I can't commit to the marriage any more, but I can't seem to emotionally justify leaving a man who hasn't been abusive or unfaithful (I can't find other women who've been in this position) He's not ever been the "partner-in-life" that I had wanted and still want. He has no ambitions. Sometimes I don't even like him much. I'm afraid of being alone the rest of my life, but I'm also afraid of living this way another 30 years. What can I do to help me either resolve the guilt of leaving or learn to accept the feeling of being trapped with the wrong person?


    




jude
no one is really the wrong person, its just their are issues, and they haven't been worked out. if u have a good man now, it doesn't mean the next one u get will be good, why not seek some christian counseling instead and make a few changes, instead of leaving a long term marriage that's worked this long. your lucky in today's times if your husband works, and if he's never been unfaithful that's saying alot for the man. u will feel guilt leaving him because in your mind he's been a good man, why not talk it out, tell him whats wrong, give him a chance to change before u do something this drastic. there is no right and wrong person its how well one can work out the problems, and most problems are small compared to other problems. when u feel he isn't all u wanted, ever consider it goes both ways, and that there are no perfect people in life.


?
So he's and average joe, goes to work, pays the bills, mows the lawn..... and you are miserable because he's not ever been your "partner-in-life".
Have you been his "partner-in-life"? For 20 years marriage was fine. But now you've hit midlife crises and need "excitement".
Well why don't you find a beautiful woman that needs an average joe, set them up, let them date and then you pack and get out. Leave everything to him and you move on. Don't ask for anything but your freedom.
That way he has someone that appreciates him, he'll have his income and home without having to try and support you.
Do what's best for him and then get out of his life.


child of God
Well, my answer probably won't be popular, but it's just my opinion. You've already acknowledged you married young--that's part of the problem, you weren't finished growing up. That being said and unable to be changed, you are a grown up now. You have the capacity to understand that you're in a partnership with your husband. Love is an action, not a warm fuzzy feeling. Love is a conscious choice. When we're in a marriage, we need to make choices that are loving and respectful toward our spouse. Sit down with your husband and have a real conversation with him about what your interests and desires are in life and ask him to help you pursue them, either together or him in a supporting role.
You claim he's a decent man and you were "in-love" (warm-fuzzy feelings) with him at one time. I suggest you honor your commitment and strive to improve your relationship.
Blessings.


Cali_wife
Rating
You know what... you will never be satisfied!

You will always want more... I feel bad for your Husband.... most girls would kill for a guy that respects her and takes care of her!
Sounds like you take advantage of him!


Susan
Do him a favor, and leave him so he could find someone to love him!


cope_acetic
Rating
Seek some counseling before you call it quits.
Does he have any CLUE that you feel like this? Perhaps he feels the same way....and talking it out could help you live a happier life together.

My 24 yr marriage ended like this, but HE was the one who was "miserable". Of course, the root of his misery was the presence of SOMEONE ELSE!!
Are you sure that isn't what has you all atwitter?


Live Laugh And Love
Not Going to help you sabotage your marriage

Probably the reason why you can't find anyone that's been in that position is nobody is going to ditch there husband or Wife for NO GOOD REASON.

Your'e Being a tad selfish here, You Trapped Him Not the other way around here

You Need to Be honest with him. He deserves someone that loves him fully and doesn't view their Marriage as a mistake

You've been Married over 30 Yrs. And your Just Finding this out NOW?

I would Suggest Marriage Counselling Together and do things together to regain that Spark

30 Yrs is a long time to Just Throw it all away

But in any Case i am not going to help you sabotage your marriage

Maybe you should have thought about all this BEFORE you got Married


midnightrambler
After 30 years? The grass always looks greener doesn't it? Maybe you should start drinking heavily!


pitchingcoach
Rating
Not sure you deserve to be with him. Set him free so he can find someone who does want to be with him.


HeatherWillow
Are you sure you're not feeling the "grass is greener" thing? Maybe you just need to figure out who your husband really is. Maybe he's changed over the years too and you two need to refigure your relationship and fall in love all over again. Counseling could help tremendously.

Or. If you really want to leave, you owe it to him to have a lengthy, honest, sensitive conversation about what you are feeling and what you want. Make it about you and not about what he is not. Because that is what it is. You will probably always feel some guilt, but if leaving is truly what will make you happy after you put the work in to trying to fix the marriage first, then so be it. You only get one life.

If you leave, make sure you are leaving for you, and not to find someone else. You need to find happiness within yourself and be able to have that alone before you will ever find what you are seeking in someone else.


I am ME
Rating
it sounds like your mind is already made up and you are needing to justify your self... need to sit back and where things start making you feel this way? it don't sound like this marriage is in the trash can yet. you just not want to be married and have your fun. cant really help you on this one. other then if you knew he was the wrong guy you should of never married him


Countess
Don't beat yourself up (or let others here do it either). You are entitled to your feelings, and they are valid.

It's easy to stay in a rut because you don't have to steer, and it's scary to think about getting out on your own. However, before you make any decisions, I'd get some therapy (just for you). It will help you sort out your feelings and figure out your direction. You will need support when you talk to your husband about your feelings.

You also sound as though you might be depressed. That can make you feel blah about everything, not just your marriage. A physical from your regular doc wouldn't hurt.

Whatever you decide to do, it's YOUR decision. Good luck.


shaik z
it looks like u have been eating the sweetest thing for long time and it turned bitter now.
to appreciate warmth u need to feel the cold and vice versa.
in ur case..the same principle applies. u talk to him how u feel about . then u both plan for long holiday. go to lonely islands. do some thing different. go to a unknown destination.
u both need space. to come back rejuvenated. thats it. life needs dynamism. that doesnot mean u completely break away from him. who knows u may not get such a guy again.

u go to ur hometown or some where away from him , take up a odd job work hard for 2- 3 months then come back and see how it feels. repeat it2-3 times. even then if it doesnot work...go to a counsellor.....then finally u will know what to do...from within..take care


Elizabeth
Rating
Doesn't your husband deserve to be with someone who loves him more than anything? Don't you deserve to be with someone who you love, respect and appreciate?

It sounds as though you two are living as roommates in the same house at the moment. If you really don't foresee being able to work through this to recapture the love and adoration you once had for each other (and it must be mutual in order to work) then you should split up simply because life is too short to be unhappy in it.

Both of you could be happy alone, you never know.


Debbie D
You HAVE found a woman who was in your situation. My ex-husband (we have been divorced for 19 years) is a great guy. He was attentive, loving, and even helped with the housework & cooking. The problem? I did not love him. He was a rebound relationship for me. He treated me like a queen, and I mistook gratitude for love. After 6 years, we divorced. To this day, I still say of him that he was a wonderfull husband, just not the right one for me. You have a right to be happy, and if you are not, you have a right to take steps to correct the situation. You do not have to justify yourself to ANYONE. Your husband must have SOME idea that all is not right. His lack of ambition must extend to his personal life as well. As long as he is not miserable, he won't do anything. You do not have to be mean about it, but the fact is, you have outgrown the relationship, and it is not fair to EITHER of you to continue to just go through the motions. Be honest with him. Explain that you are not happy, and it is not anything he has DONE, but your emotional needs are not being met. He probably won't like it, but in the end, it will be better for both of you. As for being alone the rest of your life, I doubt you would be more "miserable" than you are now. Enjoy living alone for a while. Take time to do the things that YOU enjoy, and, when you are ready, (and NOT looking for it) you will meet someone who IS the "partner-in-life" you want. I met my current (3rd) husband while thourely enjoying the single life. At our 1st meeting I stated I was not looking for a relationship, and wanted both of us to see other people. He realized right away HE wanted more, but was careful not to push. It only took him 2 months to change my mind, and we have been together now for over 5 years. We married 2 years ago. It is NEVER too late to find true love, and even if you don't, no one should remain in any relationship that only brings pain. Good luck to you.


Vince C
Take your chances. Maybe you'll end up with a guy that you'll do anything for and he won't give a ****


fire wife
Wow...that's rough! You have to do what's right for you. Just tell him the truth. If he is the guy you say he is, he will understand. Maybe he feels the same way...you never know.


Cindy B
Rating
You want to feel better about something that isn't really very nice. It can be necessary sometimes, but is surely not nice. Rather than trying to make up your resolve, why don't you get some marriage counseling. Seems from here like there is still a lot that might be worth saving. You don't mention at all discussing what is making you unhappy with the decent guy involved...


Princess Betty
Rating
Awwww...well at least you are honest with yourself and feelings. Being alone is the risk you take when you divorce, if you could accept that then you have to sit down with your husband and talk to him about how your feel and come to a solution.


Atoja
Rating
You can't find other women in this position because this kind of relationship is kind of "invisible". Usually after 30 yrs people stay together because they go through a lot and develop some feelings and became use to be together. Loneliness is hard stuff. Before you decide anything try yourself. Stay alone at least few month. See if it made you happy. You can be surprised that you can miss him. You can be surprised when you will not find any other decent man around you. I feel like there is more to this. Maybe not. Decision is only yours, everybody deserves to be happy, but sometimes a problem is in another point then we want to believe.


csiders30
Are you kidding me? Yah. If you dont feel it...leave. But all girls want the opposite of what they have. Give this guy a break.


farien3
Rating
In order to help resolve the guilt of leaving, remember this:
You get ONE life, and only one. Who's life is it? YOURS. There are NO 'do-overs'. If you can't be happy with him, take the risk and try to be happy without him. Consider also that he deserves a woman who LOVES him, not one that tolerates him. He can't EVER have that if you hang around out of guilt.


sunshinegirl
my feelings are very similar to yours and i can totally relate. I have been with my husband for 10 years, since we were both 17 and I feel I am not the same anymore, I am a grown-up now and if I was to choose a partner now, I would not choose him. Maybe our problem is that our men are too good, if there is such thing. Everything is so right, so proper, so in its place, that it just drives me absolutely crazy. How do you justify leaving such a man? You cannot. They should kick our sorry a**es out, but they probably never would. They would try to solve it. And hey, all you women out there looking for the perfect guy: Did you ever have too much of your favourite desert? Try having it breakfast, lunch and dinner for 10 years. And for snacks too. And then come and tell us how much you love that dessert still. It is exactly how it feels. Sorry I didn't answer your question, needed to vent.


Hokie_Pokey
First off, you're not alone. A lot of women (and men) have this problem.

You should not feel guilty for being the person you are and strive to be. You shouldn't NOT do things simply because you feel as if you're stuck.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Or are you just ready to throw in the towel? Either way, break it to him gently. He'll be hurt for a while, but he'll eventually get past it. And who knows? Maybe he's feeling the same way you are.


royalcres
you sound like my ( almost) x wife , we are finalizing legal separtion within a few days . I thought originally she is making a big mistake . Now after it sinking in I feel releived . We still have young children so , it wil be rough on them .
I think she is selfish , But she was not happy , just like you .
I was always ; Loving , polite , caring , supportive , paid all the bills . She never got the dream house , and complained that I was a dreamer , and a procrastinater. Oh well no one is perfect . I hope she will find happiness, or not .
I know I will enjoy my freedom, and no more yelling from her .


Cassius
Even if you break up please do tell me who do you think is going to pick you up ?


sillygoose
Rating
Well I was going to email you, but you don't allow it. I am in nearly the exact situation, it is very hard. I think ppl are being rough on you. When just being nice doesn't cut it anymore, it is painful. I bet he may be feeling similar to you. You guys should talk and see what's going on in his mind too.


Lisa D
Just because he is a good guy doesn't make him the right guy for you. If you are miserable, you are doing him an injustice by staying with him. He also deserves true happiness and someone who loves him with all there heart. However, this man has been by your side for 30 years. He is your husband. You should make every effort to make your feelings known to him and seek counseling first. Try to save your marriage. You may find that you and he are truly a fit. You may have both just lost your way. It is possible to find one another again. I believe. You never know he may also be miserable and may welcome the open honesty counseling will bring out of both of you. If counseling doesn't seem to help. Then you should not feel any guilt for wanting true happiness for yourself and him.


nana
I've been married for 30 years also. I married when I was young and thought he was my prince charming. He is a very decent man. Together we have raised 2 children. My husband has more than his share of jobs. His comment this morning was all I do is work and try to provide and what else do you want? I said this is right all you do is work and provide. I am thinking of leaving him. I have lived my whole life for him, we built our home where he wanted to and that was fine. We built the kind of house he wanted Log Home, and he works contantly the only time I get is when we argue and he then takes me out. I just think that time is nearing and I need to move on so he and I can get on with our lives. Any comments to help me make my decision, I don't know if divorce is the answer or just moving out to explore how it would be by my self.


Beth
It is a hard question to answer. I can give you advice, but in the long run you will be the one who has to make the decision.

We all grow up several times in our lifetime. We sometimes outgrow each other. It is not fair to your husband and to you to stay in a loveless marriage. You have been miserable for ten years. That is ten years off your life that you could have spent it doing what makes you happy. Sweetie, no one can make you happy, except for yourself. Life is too precious and short to waste. Look inside yourself, all the answer that you are seeking externally are right there inside of you.

Whatever you decide, you need to be honest with yourself and your husband. You do not have to be mean, or end the marriage if you decide in bad terms. If and when you decide to end the marriage speak to your husband from your heart, tell him what it is that you want out of life. Tell him that he has been a great man, but that you need to move on because you are no longer happy in the marriage.

Do you know who holds all of us back from doing and/or achieving our hearts desire? FEAR! Do not let fear hold you back. I am sure you are an attractive woman. You will find someone when the time is right, if not that's ok because you are not really alone, you have your higher power with you all the time.

Meditate, go inward into your heart, listen to what your soul wants, then follow your hearts' desire, it will never steer you wrong.

Ten 10 days before this past Christmas, I left a relationship of 9 years that was killing me slowly. I moved out of state, do not have a job. Guess what I can breathe again, I am able to sleep all night. I feel liberated. I will tend to my garden (me) the rest I leave in my higher power hands.

I send you peace, love and white light


Jen
Dont know how old this post is but I am in a similiar position-seeking guidance for my situation. Married young and never had a chance to explore my youth and know what I wanted before I knew what I wanted in life. I've been married for 15 years and have an amazing 7 year old daughter. Our life is average-decent salaries, we both work, have what we need and the bills are always paid. But the older we've gotten the directions have changed. We dont want the same things anymore-he's content sitting around whereas IM a go-getter. I want to see the world! Explore and share it with someone who does too. I want it to be with him but I dont expect him to change and so I am stuck in this situation....going nowhere and doing everything alone as always. Its a sad existence and yet I've made this life for myself. He's a good guy-but has anger and control issues that have developed from his numerous deployments and attachment issues. He knows the problems are there but he refuses counseling. Where to turn and what to do? I just wish he would see the light but I wont ask him to change for me...so it may be time to move on.





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