How to Cope With Husband's Depression?
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How to Cope With Husband's Depression?
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Yesterday, I asked a kind, rational question about how to deal with his depression better.. Today, I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope. He became more unpleasant as the day went on yesterday, and I just don't have it in me to be his health care provider.
He doesn't care for himself. He doesn't take his medicine on time, even when he knows that agitates him. Then he stays up until 3, and I can't sleep either because we have a small apartment and he's agitated.
He's choosing to be irresponsible about caring for himself when he doesn't have to go in until late the next day, or he has a day off, but my day is the same. I have to rest, but I only got a couple of hours sleep.
I know this is medical, but he's being cavalier about making things better. How much do I have to tolerate when he's chosing to make it worse?
I'm leaning toward doing nothing for him (Dinner, laundry) until he acknowledges that his actions and inactions affect me. That we have to work together or that's not marriage.
I'm so frustrated.I have a chronic illness, too, and I take it so seriously. I take my medicine at the same time every day, eat properly and sleep on the set schedule the dr told me to. He doesn't have to do any of it for me, I do it.
Additional Details
I have been to every dr appt with him (and motivated him to consider that this is a medical issue) for four months. I have been subjected to his rages, which always come when I should otherwise be sleeping.
This problem and his choices about how to deal with it turn our home into a chaotic environment. When he's feeling poorly, I have ALWAYS put him first. Now that he's getting medical advice and choosing not to take it, staying up all night is NOT ACCEPTABLE. We both have to do our part. If he, instead, chooses to indulge himself at the cost of his mental health, then my own, it's hard to accept that.
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MM
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You shouldn't have to tolerate his illness if he's not even making a token effort to treat it. But going "on strike" isn't going to fix the problem, either. Instead, it'll just validate what the illness is already telling him: that he's not worth the effort. You need to skip straight to the "I love you, but I need to be your partner, not your caretaker" speech, and see to it that he either gets professional help, or that you get some for yourself to make sure you don't snap and figure out the best way to cope with the issue long-term - or what "long-term" should mean if nothing improves. |
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ranger_co_1_75
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Either you can take it, or you can't. There is no in between. If you can't take it, leave. There is no shame in protecting your own sanity.
People who say you are abandoning a person in need have no idea what it is like to have every minute of your life spent in misery trying to care for someone not mentally here. Get out while you can still smile and feel pleasure. |
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Complicated
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I agree with Happy-2, and ranger co.
I am so sorry for you. I cannot imagine watching someone be so self-destructive. It would literally infuriate me--I can't even watch movies with self-destructive characters--it agitates me, a lot. I know this about myself: I am not a martyr. I cannot tolerate or handle extreme self-destructiveness. I will not parent my husband. I am not a victim, and I think playing victim is a pathetic joke.
Because I know, and accept, these things about myself, I would not be very likely to stay in this situation. Especially given the fact that you must look after your own health. If he is abdicating all normal responsibility for himself, and for you guys, collectively, I would take that seriously, and factor it into my future decisions.
Why don't you shake him into reality with a trial separation. I would think of this as your strike. Either he wakes up, and stops wallowing and being immature, or he doesn't. In the meantime, you'll have a reprieve to think carefully about what your future looks like.
Good luck to you. I wish you well! I'm sending some positive energy to you. :) |
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stupendous
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Depression is like falling into a very dark, very long bottomless hole. No one can fully understand it, and each case is different. However if the medicine he is taking is not working, at least when he does take it, then it could be the wrong one for him. He is probably reluctant to take it, because he knows how it will affect him.
Doctors, although some of them might think so, are not the end all cure all of the world. It seems to me in the area of depression, it is sort of a hit and miss, trial and error approach to medicating those afflicted. Talk to his doctor, and see if you can't enter a different method of treatment, or new drug.
Pray for him, pray that he will be released, he is lucky to have you there to support him. Above all, keep yourself healthy and strong for the both of you. God Bless |
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JP
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I would ask him to go see the dr. again. go with him and talk to the dr. with him and tell him how the meds are affecting both of you. |
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love_hurtz_1990
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Well tell him wat u told us i think you can cope with it but thats me if you really love him and its a faise depression will be over soon did anything happen to make it this way ???????/ |
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apple guava
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For harm minimisation: Don't react against him. Do your part. When you have spare time or energy, help him out. |
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Happy-2
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I think you should give yourself permission to go on strike, ouragon. You're absolutely right - in a marriage, he is *obligated* to do more to take care of himself, and he apparently needs to be convinced of that. You have a good head on your shoulders, and you certainly seem to be thinking as sensibly about your own situation as you do when you give such great advice here in M&D. I say trust your instincts. |
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