How to approach ex-husband about situation?
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How to approach ex-husband about situation?
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Ex-husband and I do not have the best relationship, but it's gotten better since the divorce became final and that he couldn't threaten me with anything else.
We have a child together, of whom I have sole legal and physical custody (we settled everything outside of court, including custody, so no one got "screwed up"). Our child is 22 months old.
He had another child a month and a half ago, with the girl he cheated on me with and left me for (we separated when I was 6 months pregnant, reconciled when our child was 4 months old, he left a month later to be with her). I guess he now sees what it is to actually raise a child, since he never actively played a part in our child's life, and I've been the only one raising the child since day one.
I think he's been feeling guilty about it all, and has recently started giving me clothes for our son (he has been paying child support for a few months, but never helped out with anything extra, no clothes, no help on medical stuff that aren't covered by my insurance, etc). While everyone would say "You should be glad"... Our son doesn't need more clothes. He has plenty, I've been given loads of clothes by my brother and my cousin, and I have more than enough for the next few YEARS, and they are all in good condition. I've also bought some pieces of clothing for our son, so really, he doesn't need any more.
How can I approach this subject with my ex? I'm glad he's stepping up, I thank him for the clothes, but I'd rather have his help of other things (like the 70-100$ orthopedic shoes I need to buy every 3 months for our son), than receive clothes our son doesn't need.
Any tips? I haven't been able to verbalize anything yet because I don't want to "piss him off" and appear as if I don't care about getting his help...
Any ideas on how to tell my ex I do appreciate the extra help that isn't court-ordered, but that I'd rather have it in another form than clothes (that are new, tags were still on) our child doesn't need?
Thanks
Additional Details
The man was abusive; I'm still scared of him, and he takes everything I say as a threat or an insult. I've always tried to communicate, but it has never worked. I've learned to try to say the least possible to offend him.
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janetrmi
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I wouldn't mention the clothes. Just donate or give away what you don't need. Then I would ask him if he could help you out with the shoes. |
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galvanic_fantasy
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Touchy. You know your ex best. You could try a very gentle, positive approach "You know, little Bobby is pretty well covered for clothes right now, but he could really use ______ if you're able to help out with that."
If you think that would be enough to throw him overboard, or if he just keeps bringing clothes regardless, keep one out of every three or four outfits and return the rest for refunds. |
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J92009
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Just tell him that you are glad that he is taking an interest in your child together and that you are grateful for all that he does but that right now your son is set with clothes and that you feel like its a waste for him to buy more. Tell him that if he really wants to help out that you could use help with other purchases and make a list of the things you need for him. I think he will understand. If I were him, I would rather spend my money on something I know that he can use then something that won't be appreciated. |
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benjamin m
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If the tags are still on then just return the clothes and steer clear of the arguments. |
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Hisamazingwife
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You could just try and return the clothes, if the tags are still attached, you might only be eligible for store credit, but it's worth a try.
The best way to mention it without making him angry is to make sure you are careful of what you say. Use a sandwich method:
use a positive ( Thanks for being a great dad), negative ( but his closet is full) positive ( how about we go halfers on some shoes instead?)
He'll more than likely be agreeable to that if you make sure to thank him for his effort, and applaud his intentions.
If that doesn't work, contact him when you know his wife is around, and do the sandwich method again. If she's in earshot, he'll do his best to proove he's a good dad. |
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Wisen Smart
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Your child's feet and future posture is more important than the fear of his father getting "pissed off". That is tough, if he does. Just tell him he needs to buy his son the prescription shoes the doctor prescribes or else he will grow up with a defect. |
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kashmirkat7777
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I say that he is doing more and you should complain less. If nothing else ask him to include the sales receipts "just in case the clothes don't fit" and you can take a trip to return the clothes for money. Or stop spending money (and the rest of your family members) on clothes and accept the one's your childs father is providing him. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You'd rather have something more than something less WOULDN'T YOU? If you come across as complaining or demanding, your ex might stop giving the clothes intended for a good purpose. You could ask (leave the clothes out it altogether) if he can buy the next pair of shoes your son will need. |
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Inga
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learn how to communicate. seriously, you cant talk to this man over something so simple? i sure hope that you arent surpirsed why the marriage failed. but anyhoo, just tell him |
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