How to deal with a cheating wife...?

Nurse Diesel

Well, naturally. You thought you were marrying someone with one set of character qualities, and got quite another. I don't think she should be shocked that this has led to a lack of trust and pain.

I don't know how you found out about it, but that person did you no favors. I am betting it wasn't her, and I will tell you why this is a good thing. She knew she screwed up and it would bring you needless pain.

That said. Pretty much everybody who is old enough to get married has done one thing or another that is wrong. You didn't marry a perfect person (neither did she), you married a person.

It will not do your marriage any good to hold a grudge, and now that the cat's out of the bag, you have to deal with it, which is going to be difficult. She has likely put it behind her, and it's completely new to you. You will have to remind her of this fact, and ask her to give you some time.

Good luck.

Edit: Well, that information was helpful. My husband always said we had trust issues as well. But I must say, he had trust issues before he met me. And his having trust issues was not the same as me being untrustworthy. At least no more untrustworthy than the most people.

It would be wrong to say I have never lied. But if I lie about how much I ate, because I am embarrassed about my weight gain, is that the same as a trust issue?

Your wife cheated on you. She kept that from you because she knew it would hurt you. However, you have continually sought out that pain by asking her over and over. You either didn't trust her before you got married (in which case, whose fault is this, anyway), or she has done things to make you not trust her.

ladybug136

You should seek couples counseling.

Michael M

That's a toughie. The most logical answer or advice I can give is this. Whatever you both did before you started your life as husband and wife is irrelevant. The day that you both swore an oath to one another you started a new life as one.

I know this sounds really mushy and probably stupid, but it's probably the only way I could look at it and not be disgusted with my wife. Actually, I'm getting married in 6 days, so I hope she would tell me she cheated on me now before we got married.

rkrell

It isn't about the past being in the past, it is about your future. This woman made a commitment to you and every thing else has been so good up to this point. Why would you want something so minor to ruin all of that. Most spouses have slept with someone else before us so let it go. You just need to stop thinking about it and focus on the here and now and all the good things you share together.

mrscroo

Try marriage counseling. You have every right to be angry. My fiance' cheated on me once and it took a while but we got through it and now our relationship is better than ever. It didn't happen over night it took a lot of time, but we made it and I'm happy that we did. So if you really love your wife don't give up!!!

Tonya B

you have to talk about it. maybe you can go to counseling and in a couple visits get her in too. you really need to get it out.

brookiepoo

take a break move out for a month or two!! you just need to be apart for awhile to see if the love and sparks are still there

fine-n-dandy

best thing you can do, is to talk about everything. put all your cards on the table and get it out there and Talk. the worse thing you can do is keep it bottled up inside. the fact that she cheated will never go away...its how you deal with it and manage the situation.

Lauren

Seperate for a short period of time to clear your head and decide what you really want.

Lovely Momma

Technically it is not in the past if she cheated on you. You have every right to feel the way you do. You have been hurt and have lost trust. You probably wont get past the repulsion unless you really want to make things work with your wife. That is something that you are going to have to work on if you want to keep your marriage.

Ronae

It happened before you two were married. I'm sure you feel deceived and probably don't trust her. Without trust there is no foundation to build on.

Either leave her or seek counseling together to work towards forgiveness.

Good luck.

bowman118

talk to her about it maybe?

Schipperke mom

First thing you gotta do is talk to your wife about it. Second thing is you've already got it - it's the past, you just have to live with it. Since this was BEFORE your marriage, I'm sure she knows better now.

oh yea

i've been cheated on too. it hurts. BAD, indescribable. but over time u eventually learn to stop thinking about it. but it will be a while, you'll find urself picking at it. like she'll be talking about pancakes & you'll be like "i bet HE liked pancakes" just little things like that. good luck, its hard to trust after that.

Â¸.â€¢*Â´`*â™¥ â™¥Lenkaâ™¥ â™¥*Â´`*â€¢.Â¸

It's a natural feeling to be disgusted with the situation. Give yourself some time, and maybe see a counselor together that can help you through this difficult time.

How does she feel? Does she feel remorseful? If she cheats again my advise is leave her. But right now, try to work out the marriage, you sound like you love her and want to make things work.

Good Luck!

Kelsey

Remember that this was the past. If the person she was cheating on you with meant a lot to her, then she wouldnt have married you.
You need to try and forgive her and work it out. Talk to her about it. Maybe try to get help for your mariage.
If this doesnt work, then you should probably get a divorce. It will cause so many more problems is you dont.

J J

Some more info would help others give more relevant answers.

1. What exactly was your relationship with her; engaged, girlfriend, acquaintances?

2. Who told you or how did you find out about the cheating

3. (assuming it was not her who told you) Does she know you know about the cheating?

shawn g

If you really love her then give her another chance. I was in your wifes possition before and did something stupid with her best friend the night before our wedding. I felt really bad about what happend and confessed to my wife. This happened 15 months ago and we are still together. It was not easy let me tell you. We went to see a counselor and completely blew his mind with the stuff we told him and how we were feeling. He told us we needed more help then he could give. So we started going to church and did a lot of praying to the man upstaires, I sware he help us get thru this man, made a believer out of me. The main thing is you still have to love your wife or nothing will work for you. I was so lucky that my wife still loved me and gave me a second chance. I hope you and your wife can pull thru like my wife and I did. It's a long road and takes time to heel but, with your love and the man above you it can be done. Good luck to you both!

bgermain424

sorry you are going through that.... wish you the best!

Rickie B

I guess the saying is right, "what you don't know can't hurt you", If you had never found out you would be happy and not repulsed with her today. But, never-the-less you did find out and you are hurt. You know this was before you were married. I am sure that it isn't something she is proud of and probably regrets. She can't change something that has already happened, you are the one that is going to have to forgive her. I know that is hard to do but if you want your marriage to work you will have to, that is the only way to get rid of the anger. Maybe you have never cheated, but I'm sure you have done something that needed to be forgiven, you need to put yourself in her shoes. You have a right to be angry, but when you are tired of letting the anger build in you just let it go.You will feel a lot better.

Jeff

Warn her not to cheat again or else its game over.

â™¥the coolest person u eva metâ™¥

talk to her work somthing out. then if nothing happens live your life but if she cheats tell her its time to split aoart i had to do it with my husband

Nina P

Well leave it than to stay in the past...I can understand you,my husband cheated on me too,but I'm getting a divorce...Let me tell you one thing,that helps me to get over my stress situations in life..: I always try to look everything from a brighter side, and deal with my problems on that way.I mean if she is nice to you right now,these days, and if your marriage is great....forgive her the past but be honest with yourself over that.The marriage is also a love between the couple ,commitment to be with through good and bad.....love someone with good sides and lacks...and forgiveness.But some of us just can't forgive.What am I trying to say, is that if you're still sure that you love her....so bad...than forgive her and don't ruin the marriage.You must be honest with yourself at first....Have a good luck....Bye:).

Robbie

First off, I wish you the best of luck and hope you can move on so you can be happy again.

1. If you haven't already, talk to her about it and let her know exactly how you feel. Hopefully she will react honestly and let you know that she is really and truthfully sorry for it. After all, you both married each other for better or worse.
2. If she truly loves you, you'll know.
3. It's going to take time for you to get over the repulsion.
4. If you don't think time and talking it through will help enough, than I suggest getting some marriage or church consoling.

Friend b

You kidding right? He cheated before you were married. My god, get over it, she married you didn't she, it's been great since and before you found out. What are you 3 years old. I think the first thing you need to do is grow up. What is she the only woman you have ever been with? So she got the oats out of her system before you got married, you should be thankful, at least it was before you got married, have you even read this board, there are thousands of wives have waited til after they got married to have cheated. If I was you I would thank my lucky stars, kiss your wife, and move on. My god she picked you WAKE UP!!!!!!

Rachel

Well you and your wife need to sit down and CALMLY talk about this. Don't raise your voice just talk to her and then ask her to forgive your past and you will forgive hers.

Stacey

ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER

Deathbunny

Ah... insecure a bit, are we? Didn't notice the fact she's been with you after the other person so you might just have been the better guy for her?

If you can't get over it and you can't deal with being touched anymore, then it is time to separate and go your individual ways because you aren't able to meet her needs and expectations and she isn't able to meet your needs and expectations.

Otherwise--if you might be able to get over it--then you two need to contact a professional, sit down, and hash this thing out--especially your insecurities.

Good luck!

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