How to handle medical needs of dieing husband when our divorce is pending?
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How to handle medical needs of dieing husband when our divorce is pending?
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First, we have not lived together since October of 2008. He has been diagnosed, this month, with an end stage terminal illness caused by his alcoholism. Days or maybe months is all he has left on this earth with any of us. Due to the fact that our divorce is pending, we are still legally married. His dieing wish is to marry his girlfriend. Due to negligence of his own, he has not attended a class that is required where we live. I paid for the divorce in February 2010, the least he could have done is pay 30 bucks and spend 4 hours in a chair. My attorney and the judge say that he has to attend the class before it can be signed, period,and I called them while I was at the hospital.
Now, because he is upset that it isn't final and I cant make it a miracle divorce, he and his girlfriend are being belligerent about it. We have been married 11 years and have children too. They have been dating for 6 months. She doesn't know his medical history or job history for disability or hospice or anything else. I am not allowed to be a contact for his disability case and yet he needs info from me. He wants me to text our children's SS#s and other info he cant remember instead of letting me help him and relieve some of their burden by doing it for him. I am not out to hurt them. I have done all I can to help. It's sad that a man cant remember his own social security number due to medicines and ammonia build up and yet he has the gall to tell me i am out of place for correcting him for to a caseworker.
Do I text the numbers and forget it all? How much do I have to take from this girl being angry that I know medical and life history and have his children? There are so many other details but it's almost a mute point to type it all in.
What can I do?
Additional Details
I'm not throwing 11 years away. They went down with every bottle consumed, hence Cirrhosis of the liver. The kids didn't need to grow up in that anymore. He was released from the hospital because he wasn't cooperating with treatments and there is nothing more they could do at the time. I am not againt them being married. I am the one who filed, and I had offered to pay his 30 bucks too but he thinks the class is a waste of a good night. He doesn't ask about the kids, or convey thoughts to them as a dieing father should. We are all greiving here but you think I am being unreasonable because I dont want to just text the info instead of writing it down and delivering it. How often will you text your social in this day and age?
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Cathy
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Well, I've kinda been in your spot with a dieing spouse so I somewhat have walked in your shoes and I'll tell you what I would do in your position...then you see what works for you...
The fact that you have children with this man is the most important point here to remember. This is YOUR children's father. When it's all said and done, they are soon to be fatherless, sadly. So, you want to do what's in the best interest of your children and that's helping them through this too.
It's unfortunate that there's a girlfriend involved here. I'm sorry for her, but her boyfriend did not take care of what needed to be done to get divorced so it says he didn't want to get divorced from you maybe. Therefore, you are still the spouse and you have rights and legal decisions to make for him later. You'll probably be the only one that will be allowed to make those decisions too because you are the wife.
I don't know how he could prevent you from providing your children's SS Nos. to his disability insurance - I'm assuming that it is Social Security Disability - so I'd just call Social Security and find out what they need because your kids (and possibly you) are entitled to payments from SS from their dad's disability. So, even if you two were divorced, you'd still be getting those payments made to you. Whatever you do, call them first thing Monday a.m. Then, your kids are most likely minors and whatever happens in the future with their dad and his eminate demiss as you've stated, they will be entitled (and possibly you too) to SS Survivor Benefits. But, call SS because there's a lot you are going to learn from SS that I just can't burden you with right now.
And, most likely, any life insurance that you were named the beneficiary of, if you haven't signed off on it, is still naming you as beneficiary. Just to give you some information. That includes retirements, IRA's and 401K's too. Even through the spouses employer.
I'm going to tell you this, legally, the hospital is going to have to contact you to make decisions, so just be prepared - girlfriend or no girlfriend.
Hope this helps. Good luck. |
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redhotsillypepper
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There is no way to prevent this from being a mess. The best that you can hope for is that you and the children can come out of this somehow intact. Try contacting your local Al-Anon for support. Your only obligation to this man is to take care of his children. Try to avoid trashing your husband in front of the children if you can, because this will be very hurtful to them and will harm your relationships with them. Also, if I were you, I'd do whatever it takes to help him through the disability process, because that's going to mean some much needed money for the kids. In the end, your husband is going to die. Your job is to make sure that the family survives. |
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But Inside I'm Screaming
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He knows what he needs to do, and he refuses to do it. His problem, not yours. You've enabled him long enough, if he really wants to marry her, he will do what he needs to do. Don't text the information, release it to whomever needs it....for identity theft protection. |
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Quat
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So how is any of this your problem? And what's in it for you? He's your X so why should you care what happens to him or his girlfriend? Besides he'll be dead soon and it won't matter anymore. Plus if you're still his wife when he dies you will inherit all his money and assets. But if he marries his girlfriend first then she will inherit everything instead. Is that what you want? |
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hunter d
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if U were not really out to hurt them..U would find a way 2 make the divorce final so he can marry his GF. U can go to the judge & plead his case (or ur attorney can). Be reasonable. There is no way he can attend this class while dying in the hospital. Can't the judge lift that stipulation? I think he can! Maybe U need to push the idea a little harder!
Send the txt. U need to understand that she is hurting right now. And ur involvement only hurts her worse! The man she loves is dying! She wont get the 11yrs U had (and are now throwing away). She wont get to have kids w/him. She wont get to do any of the things that U did. And, to her, U being there is simply adding insult to injury! |
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Adult 
Gambling
Unfinished
Deception
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