How to handle wife's weight gain?

FavoredbyU

You need to be honest with her and tell her what you are telling us.

Captain Jack

I don't think there is anything you can do, man. She has to do it on her own.

photogram1

With LOVE...COMPASSION...and kindness!!!! You need to have a loving talk with her. Let her know how much you love her and that it is killing you to watch her kill herself!! Let her know how much she is missing out carrying all that weight around, and that she is missing things she should be able to enjoy with the children because of her weight! Let her know YOU know this from your OWN experience!!! Let her know that you support her, and that you want to help her find a way to come back to good health. Offer to help her find a counselor for her to talk to...there is obviously something going on inside of her that is making her self destruct...until she faces the root cause...she will not have the strength to do this!!! She has a LOT of self hatred...I know this may sound like a lot of "bunk"...but it is the truth!!! NO ONE WANTS TO BE FAT!!!!
It is not about will power...you may have not had any real issues in your life when you lost weight...so you were able to do it on your own...but everyone is not that strong!!! Find out what is really bothering her...and the only way to do this is with some one with expertise in this field.
Good luck to you... I ADMIRE your strength and commitment to your family...now...HELP her HELP herself!!!

r_u_redday

The time for being nice is over. Tell her to get her fat a s s in the gym...pronto!! If she doesn't, buy around a 30 foot length of rope. Tie one end of the rope around her waist and the other around your rear car bumper. Take her out for a 2 mile jog every evening after work.

Lady in Red

Was there anything wrong in your marriage before? I'm not saying you've done anything at all, but sometimes we women feel bad about ourselves when our relationships lose some sizzle. The thing about women is, when we feel depressed or unhappy with our lives in general, there are many of us who eat sweets and other junk. It provides instant gratification, but it is usually followed by remorse. Like me, when I'm upset, I eat a lot of chocolate or go hit up McDonalds. Men, on the other hand, tend to exercise to lessen stress or do other physical activities. Do you know of anything in her life that makes her unhappy? If so, find ways to help her change that. Encourage her to take up a new hobby or activity. Do the two of you ever get any time alone? I imagine with three kids, the answer is no. Make some time. This kind of stuff makes a woman feel good about herself, and she'll treat her body with more respect, too.

That's my rational response. My emotional response? I have a buddy just like you and I want to slap him. He's even told his wife if she doesn't lose the weight, he'll divorce her. Does it work? Absolutely not, she gets upset and depressed, feels unworthy like she doesn't deserve to be loved, and eats.

I â™¥ Christmas~

Leave her alone, I'd like to see what you'd look like after popping out 3 kids!.... geez...

KJ97Y100

First, congrats on losing the weight.

Second, you can't make her lose the weight. She has to be ready to do it herself. She may not have the will power right now, but she will get it.

Third, when she does start to lose the weight, be VERY supportive and helpful. Don't make comments of "fat a**", "lard a**", "Lazy a**" or anything else like that. Having 3 kids is hard.

How tall is she and how old are the kids? Losing weight after childbirth is hard work. She may be too tired right now to try. She may not be "refusing" to change, but just not ready because of all the change that has already happened.

Finally, to stay with someone you aren't attracted to anymore...remember everything you love about your wife. Go past the outer apperance...watch "Shallow Hal" if need be. See how beautiful she is on the inside. I know, most men don't or can't, but you should try since divorce is something you don't want to consider.

Hope this helps.

Simply Lovely

You married a person, not just their body. I think you are more worried about how other people view her. Just like with drugs and alcohol, overeating is a disease too. When she is ready to do something about it, she will, but until then, you need to just deal with it. And, men do lose weight faster and it is easier for them, but excuses are just that, excuses. Did you ever think that maybe she is unhappy with her current situation too?

AMBER M

It sounds like you are doing all the right things as far as trying to help her out and be offer her suggestions. However, as an overweight women for all of my life I do have to say this might actually be harder to kick then all the drugs combined. It is a serious rut people get into. With 3 young kids where do you find the time or the energy is probably what she is thinking. Do you offer to watch them all so she can go out for a walk alone or go to a womens gym or any thing like that? I know that would take alot of slack off me if my husband said he would watch kids 3 times a week for an hour. How about having a serious discussion, like "honey, I LOVE you and I want you to be around forever as the mother of my kids but your weight is going to make an impact on that and I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you get heathy (dont say attractive) just healthy. Also can I please make a suggestion that when you say you arent attracted to her anymore that kinda isnt fair. She has 3 kids, 3 pregnancies. and you said they are young which means her body probably didnt have time in between to regain its composure before she was pregnant again. So allow her some time to get back into having some life back. And please try to be there for her. Tell her everyday that she is beautiful. When you see her loving your kids and making good decisions for those kids tell her that she is great. Then when the time comes offer her advice on weight. She has enough to worry about dont make her think that she will lose you too.

country girl

You have to understand that she feels probably even worse than you do about herself. You need to encourage her, tell her she is beautiful and that you love her. She is the only one who can lose the weight and she has to do it when SHE is ready. In the meantime find activities to do with her and the kids (hiking, bike riding, swimming, or just walking) She needs to feel good about herself and I can tell you this from experience, it will start with you. That is why I said to compliment her and encourage her.

You could also buy a cookbook with lower fat and calorie recipes and cook dinner for her a couple nights per week. At some point, she will realize she is already on her way to losing weight.

It is nice to see that you care about her. You need to drop the worry about how she looks line though. This will only hurt her. You need to tell her you are worried about her health and that is all.

Good luck!!

Miss Crickett

She must be willing to do the work for her own self esteem and health. Let her know that it is very unhealthy and that you and the kids need her to stick around. I have 6 kids and gained alot of weight with each pregnancy but lost it asap! I went from 135 to 205 with my last child 8 months ago. Now I am at 140. Try to motivate her without putting her down. Maybe she is depressed or something. Be honest with her about your feelings. Seek professional help for her obesity if you have to because it is a health issue. I lost my weight by doing the Atkins Diet which is low carb high protein. Eat only meat, eggs, cheese. It works great. Also start her off by taking short walks together. You can even trick her by just asking her to take an evening walk with you and hold her hand. Incorporate family activities that keep her in motion. "trick" her into getting some exercise by making the activity fun. Hope it all works out for ya!

kiaSis3lovestodd

I can speak to the idea of staying with someone who refuses to change, but as for getting her to lose wt, she has to get to a point where she is disgusted with how she looks. I have had 3 kids and gained alot of wt. over the course of 15 years. I recently got divorced, but not because of weight. I don't want to have HBP, a stroke, or kidney disease as a result, so I have taken control. I am joining the YMCA with my kids. I hate traditional exercise, but the Y is so fun and actively engaged in making fitness fun for everyone. They have stuff for my teenager, a rock wall, basketball, racketball, etc...so we don't even realize we are getting fit. We are busy having way too much fun!! What a wonderful tradeoff in the process..family fitness and family togetherness. They have a pool with a waterslide, and at the end of our activities we get together and have a blast in the pool and hot tub.

Now, as far as getting someone to change, you know that you can't get someone to do something they don't want to. That is the premis for my divorce. All you can do is be available, but also let her know that there comes a time when you aren't going to tolerate bad habits. I realize that I have been a bad example for my kids and am working very hard to change it. I have also changed the way I cook the food and the choices we all make at the store. We have conversations about nutirition when we pick up something to buy for dinner. The boys are becoming aware that what they put in their mouths lasts longer than the moment they taste how "yummy" it might be.

I think it has to be a family dynamic that changes, but if one family member isn't willing to help that dynamic change, there are some questions that need to be answered. I think that is the bigger picture here. You need to figure out what is motivating her to keep the unhealthy wt. Is she depressed? Is she having something in her life that is very emotionally hard? Figure out all those things and then hopefully you will have an answer. GL

jaynic72

First and foremost, be TACTFUL! She is probably pretty insecure about her weight because most women are.
I would sit her down and talk to her about it. Tell her you are worried about her health. Be supportive of her (don't tell her you aren't attracted to her!) and let her know that in the interests of her health and your marriage you want to get the whole family on a health kick for the new year.

She probably feels like she is 'just a mum' and doesn't need to make an effort anymore. Try to explain to her that she is more than that, she is your wife and that you both need to make an effort for each other or your marriage will die. With 3 young kids to deal with, she may feel like she doesn't have time to look after herself so try to make time for her. If you volunteer to do some stuff to free up some of her time, she might feel able to change.

BeezKneez

That's a really tough situation to be in, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's difficult to get through to a woman about that kind of subject, because you will most likely hurt her feelings. I think that you should just sit her down, and be honest with her. Tell her that her weight gain is causing you to worry not only about her, but your children's well being as well. Tell her that her health is a concern, and you want her to live long enough to see grandchildren. Also, be sure to eat healthy and work out with her. It will keep her motivated.

WendyDarling

You've already tried offering to diet and exercise with her. Now it's time to educate her about the health risks and issues that go along with obesity. She needs to consider your children as well. It's not fair for her to eat herself into oblivion and increase her chances of heart attack or contracting diabetes. Obviously, she has a sweet tooth. Let her know that dieting doesn't mean NO sweets. Maybe allow dessert once a week, like on Friday nights or something. And as far as exercise goes...start small, take family walks after dinner each evening. Get the kids involved too. Always helps to start healthy habits early.

igotplayedonce

Roll her in some flower. You'll find the girl you married!

Pocahontas

she doesnt seem the kind of a person to be willing to change herself. i dont know how she can stand around with that weight on. it is her own fault and i dont like it when woman use pregnancies as an excuse to let themselves go cuz i know alot of women with multiple kids and have a nice body. yes they did gain abit of weight with the baby but they were determined to lose it afterwards for themselves, for their husband and for their kids. i am sorry but your wife doenst seem that kind cuz she is still sitting around being fat. maybe you should just accept thatyou have a fat wife now. iam so sorry. but maybe if you do talk to her and tell her you love her but you miss the passion you guys had and the attraction. ohhhh and talk about her health and her heart and ask her doesnt she want to see the day your kids graduate from university or their wedding or your grandchildren. healthy life = healhty body and brain. and that comes from taking care of yourself , eating healty and exercise. then your personal relationships improve as well as your relationship cuz you will have more confident and be more happy. tell her that.,

Leina

Tell her that for the childrens health, you will no longer condone junk food, then say no more to her about it. Start doing the grocery shopping. Buy exercise equipment. If you and the children are healthy and she has to start sneaking out to buy hoho's, she'll come around on her own. Don't nag, just keep on leading by example.
Trust me, if I want my bf to help with house cleaning, I just start cleaning in front of him. It's a crappy game of guilt, I agree, but if I would ask nicely he would still consider it nagging. Do what you have to.

Storm

You married her because you loved her for her ways or her looks?She's right men loose faster than woman.I've tried dieting,different types,depends on your matabalism,which one works well.I've found that spending time at the gymn with hubby is invigorating but,it's our time together and he doesn't brag but compliments on my attemps.A brisk walk for 30min a day helps aswell,try tell her there is something you want her to see and even if you have a picnic she will see the romance and not the exercise.Don't get angry,have patience.Dieting is like stopping an addiction to something,you need to do it for yourself and no-one else,otherwise you loose interest and go back to your old ways...
Goodluck...

helly

I'm sure you are going to get lots of angry replies about how you should love the person inside, etc, so I won't go down that route.

I'm sure that deep down your wife wants to lose the weight too, and feels pretty unattractive and miserable herself. I know how it feels to gain weight and it can cause a cycle of depression and binging.

Please tell her that diets don't work!! If you deny yourself the things you want, you only want them more, and she will end up gaining more weight after the diet than ever. She needs to entirely change her eating habits. Does she work? Could you cook the meals?

Exercising together is a great idea. Maybe if you keep on persisting with that, she will come around to it. The most important thing you can do here is NEVER show her that you are finding her unattractive! Please! Tell her you love her all the time, kiss her, and cuddle her. Tell her she is gorgeous. What she needs here is a real boost for her self esteem. Once she feels better about herself, she may start taking care of herself again.

Always encourage her. Never critisize when she eats. You need to throw out all the junk food from the house and change to healthier meals (which don't have to be boring!). Get a good recipe books and learn how to cook new things which are low fat and healthy. The better she eats, the better she will feel, and she may have more willpower to go and exercise with you.

It's clear you love your wife, and it is natural for you to feel this way. Just don't give up on her.

xovenusxo

Find a way to have the kids taken care of for a while and send her off to a weight loss camp. That environment will inspire her since it is all day long about healthy eating and fitness.

skizzle-d-wizzle

If she doesn't get this under control now she will continue to grow and that's not good for her health --as you do know---How about sense you have kids planning some outings that has to do with allot of walking and doing--Don't let her make excuses --Tell her you love her and just don't want to see her hurting herself--You can get tough and not allow junk food in the house I know that's hard with kids but its not good for them either--20 grams of fat a day is all she needs and with that she will loose --That equals ONE candy bar--I know I was 200 and said heck no so I looked at everything that went into my mouth --now 134 and 50 and happy--Its not easy and its hard to not be attracted and no you are not shallow--Tough love works too--TELL her that although you love her you are not as attracted to her like you were before the kids--Its gonna hurt her feelings for sure but at least you are being honest and honesty is the best policy--tell her you could lie and just make up lame excuses why you don't want to be intament and that's worse

jenivive

keep her motivated with the diet and exercise. tell her she looks good (even when she doesnt). she might just need the constant positive reinforcement to keep going with diet and workouts.

SexyTrojan

Find some fun, outdoor activities for the entire family to do. Some examples are:

Taking walks after dinner for 30 minutes.
Doing "Nature Walks" (hiking) in nearby parks
Playing softball or tag
Bike riding

You do the grocery shopping, and stock up on fresh fruits and vegetables...no junk food.

She'll get exercise without realizing it. When you see her weight dropping after a few weeks, make sure she knows it and bang her brains out. That will motivate her.

hippiegirl672003

Did you marry a manikin or a person?Do you want to be with a manikin?People gain weight.She married you at 240.What does that say about her and in retrospect ,about you.If your not attracted to her then it's YOUR problem.Did you love her when you married b/c it doesn't sound like you do now?YOU will grow old.YOU will get sagging skin,YOUR a $ $ will wilt,YOUR muscles will disappear and YOU"LL grow ear hair.Should anyone be attracted to YOU when this happens?Shallow people end up ALONE.I bet your WIFE would still love you after ALL this happens.Who told you that you were a prize anyway.Grow up.Someone with 3 kids oughta know better.How would you like it if someone treated your kids like that.What an idiot.Next you'll be sportin a "no Fat chicks" bumper sticker. If you don't change then your on a fast track to loserville.

beckdawgydawg

you have to ask your self what bothers you more...the fact that she no longer has the body that she once had or the fact that she is unwilling to change. being an overweight woman i can tell you this....pressuring her into losing weight will not work. it will only make her more self conscious, depressed and make her binge more and therefore, gain more weight. she has to want to lose it for herself...or no matter what she will never maintain a healthy weight loss. i am impressed with the fact that you want her to be more healthy since you have done so...but if you truly love her then you need to be there for her. she is depressed, give her positive feed back instead of negative....this kind of attention will help steer her in the right direction.
hope this helps.

TNL

I think that you need to remember that when she married you that she did not guarantee that she was going to be small forever and u married her for better or worse. When she married you, you were 240....that's pretty big you know....but she loved you. 140Ibs is not very light either, so it should have been kinda obvious she was prone to be big. I mean...did u carry 3 kids for 9 months at a time? It's not as easy as you think!
But on the flip side she should also care how you feel about her. Maybe you should sit her down and tell her how u really feel.

Wiser1

Okay. You are right that it is shallow to want a skinny wife. You married her for love (not for her looks, I hope). But anyway.... she seems afraid to try. The food gives her comfort. Maybe it is because you do not? She will eat less, if she's happier otherwise. She is right. It is easier for men to lose weight than it is for women. Give her a break. Tell her you love her no matter what weight she is at, but you'd really be turned on if she would agree to (not diet) a new lifestyle with you. That includes daily walks together, a healthier diet (give her the menus and help her cook), and fun weekends (picnics together ...get a sitter.. a movie out, sports events, concerts, etc.). Be supportive, not nagging, and keep telling her about all her good traits to build up her self-confidence. My feeling her is that she is really unhappy being married to you and that you have not done your best to build up her self-esteem make her feel loved, so she has turned to food. You are part of the problem, so you can make the change and help her.

FeeLnUFeeLnMe

This is a very sad situation, because now that you are on the other side of the fence, you only want her to live healthy too. But unfortunately, only she can decide when she will make that transition. You can only support her when she does. Maybe you can start slow like walking further when you park or going out to the park or anything to make her move & then maybe a few days a week you can prepare meals (healthy) and so on and so forth. You can not force your hand on her because you have succeeded with yours. Good-Luck :-)

â€ Dark Slayer Gone Rogue â€

It is shallow of you. Sorry but there it is and pushing her is not going to help just do a lot of damage to her self esteem. No one can do this but her she has to be ready to change. Does she deserve this after she had your children. You say that is what caused the weight gain. When you were over weight did she treat you this way? Why is a womans weight so impotent to men? Are there not other things you can see in your wife that you have to woory over this?

Dan

I can totally relate, but can't offer much hopeful advice. My wife was plump when I met her. She knew it bothered me a little and she lost 25 pounds before our wedding. We moved to North Carolina so that I could go to grad school. She started working as an asst manager at a fast food joint. It helped pay the bills on my small salary as a teaching assistant, but the smell of food all day made her hungry and the temptation of free fast food and milkshakes was too much for her to resist. She put on 100 pounds in three years. A year after our child was born and she's 50 pounds heavier. I love her as much as ever but she's now approaching 300 pounds. She's too heavy to be very active so I don't see much hope that this will turn around. Sometimes I wish I had given her some kind of ultimatum after the first 40 pounds or so.

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