How would you cope with this double standard?

In November, I discovered by accident that my husband had re-connected with an old girl friend on classmates.com, which btw, is how we reconnected. They dated in middle school, and were friends through high school. He said they are just friends etc…, the fact that he was trying to hide it made me suspicious. Because of his, what seemed to me, odd behavior: talking on his cell phone for hours every night in the garage after I had gone to bed, at times encouraging me to go to bed “because he had things he wanted to do” Not wanting to update his profile on classmates, to reflect that he was married. I did some snooping. I discovered that he and this girl were talking on the phone; he admits to several times a week. I believe it was more like nearly everyday, and sometimes several times a day. She was calling him on his cell phone at work (I’m not even supposed to call him at work) sending text messages in the middle of the night “sweet dreams”. He kept insisting that it was an innocent friendship but at the same time was lying about it and being secretative. We fought about it several times; all I asked was that he stop being sneaky about it. He decided he was going to stop talking to her but he lied about it three times before I think he finally did stop.

The other day he tells me that this woman connected with him on Facebook. He told me the day after he added her as a contact. I was tight-lipped at first because I didn’t know if I had a right to be mad (which I was and he knew it). We talked about it. I told him, as I did before, that the amount of contact that they had was inappropriate. Why after 27 years of no contact, is this relationship, that caused so much grief between us, so important to him? Even he admits that he thought some of her text messages were odd for a “friend” to be sending.

I don’t want to come off sounding like an insecure, overly jealous wife. My husband has a lot of female friends, most are married, some not. I never had a problem with this because he never hid their relationships. He wasn’t sneaking off to make daily contact with them.

My husband understands how I feel. He admits that he would not like it if the situation was reversed?! So why treat me differently than you want me to treat you?! I feel like this is a no win situation. I was trying just to forget about it but he keeps bringing it up. He is bugged because this upsets me. He sees me as being insecure and not trusting him, but in the very next breath admits that he wouldn’t like it if I did it. For me, this has now become more of an issue of respect, or lack of, more so than trust. How would you cope with this double standard?
Additional Details
Thanks for the responses.

You don't sound insecure or overly jealous at all. You sound like a woman who respects the boundaries of marriage and is very willing to honor her vows but wants her husband to do the same. I'm sorry that he's not.

I think you've done well by handling this maturely. Behaving "cold" toward him, giving him a taste of his own medicine, throwing fits, nagging, etc. is how children respond and only increase the reasons he'll use to find solace in this other woman. You don't seem to have given him any excuses to need her attention.

Yet, he finds the mystery and challenge of her intriguing. That's very sad.

I admire your attempts to give him opportunities to stop this on his own; however, it looks like he's not going to any time soon and you, of course, cannot change his heart. I think you've planted a seed in his mind though and in time, he may feel guilty enough to stop. I hope it won't be too late by then. He seems to know now it's wrong and that what she's communicating to him is somewhat inappropriate even in his mind. I don't know what he's communicating to her that would make her think it's okay to respond as she has.

My husband and I joined MySpace and Facebook at the insistence of our family, close friends and other important groups with which we need to stay connected. We were reluctant to do so because we understand the importance of guarding our marriage, so we set an important ground rule: we would each know the other's password. I can check his "private" messages at any time and he can check mine--and we are listed as contacts for each other. It makes a huge difference in our accountability.

In your case, I think this would be a good place for you and your husband to start. Of course, that doesn't mean that he won't find other ways to communicate with this woman from his past, but a wife shouldn't have to play the role of her husband's babysitter or warden. She can only do so much by herself to help protect the marriage and maintain dignity--and mental health. The husband has to make an effort, too. Is there a group of men that he can associate with that will help steer him in a better direction--perhaps from your local church?

If your husband refuses to share his passwords with you, then you'll know that the problem is much bigger than he's willing to admit. At that point, I would start removing the things from the house that enable him to remain connected to her. It may seem rather drastic and costly, but how much is your marriage worth and how important to you is it to make your husband get the point?

Counseling isn't likely to work unless he is willing to admit to the damage he's causing the relationship. Divorce, of course, would be the last resort. Definitely do not threaten to divorce your husband unless you are fully willing to go through with it.

Good luck.

ld12o1

Well to be honest, you have every reason to be upset about that. You're right, its extremely inappropriate for a married man to be speaking with another female so frequently...especially secretively.

This situation is hard since you guys are married and I know it establishes a level of trust as well as making it hard to just "walk away" from a problem. He has to blatantly know that if he's going to be talking to another female so much, you're going to ASSUME that he's cheating. It's not a matter of trust, its a matter of fact and respect. He's said numerous times that he wouldn't want to be in your shoes, yet the behavior persists...behavior that can obviously destroy a relationship.

Tell him that if he doesn't put an end to it, you'll have no choice but to treat him like any wife should treat a husband that cheats...divorce. I mean, I know it's a little extreme and you're free to try marriage counseling if you think it would help but i'm pretty sure the success rate isn't too high.

His overreacting about you being "insecure" is just a way to shift the focus off of him. He wants you to feel that its your paranoia and is doing that by making you feel bad. So, while you're thinking to yourself that you need to be more trusting, giving him more space, he's given more time to do whatever he wants without you even giving him the slightest bit of crap about it.

He isn't respecting you or the relationship and you need to settle it with it him. Figure out what needs to happen otherwise he's going to lose you. NO wife deserves to be treated like this, you're not any different.

Lucy

If he sees you as insecure than by all means switch the tables on him. Even if you don't really do the things he has done (have a girlfriend pose as a guy and start calling you, texting you, etc.).

He sounds like as ***. He admits he wouldn't like it but instead of manning up and stopping the behavior he knows upsets you, he continues and places the blame on your "insecurities". Get real. Tell him you wouldn't be insecure if he acted like he was married.

donotbuyakia

My fiance connected with a woman he had not seen in 40 years, and insisted they were just friends. They're now sleeping together. Tell him it is not his intentions you question as much as hers. He doesn't see her manipulations because he is a man, and women think differently then men. Insist that she be removed from his phone, classmates, and facebook lists. He should have no contact with him. It is a matter of respect, and he is not showing you any.

gina

It sounds like he wants to relive his highschool days by acting immature. You have been more then generous with him by not beating the crap out of him, not literally of course. He sounds insecure, he needs attention constantly from females, sorry to be blunt but if you don't have children (your husband's a child) I suggest you start thinking about leaving him because I'm afraid he won't change.

Susan

I think your husband needs a "wake up call". It seems from what you've said, his ego needs a little lift and he's reaching out elsewhere to get it. Suggest you do nothing immediately but then plan a get away weekend for yourself in the next month or so. Go to a nice hotel or spa. Don't tell him - just leave him a note - "Gone away to think". Don't call him while you're gone and really use the time to think and refresh. I think that when you get home, he'll be angry at first then shocked you would do something out of character. He'll see that you aren't so insecure after all. I think the most important thing will be that he will wake up and realize he might be loosing you. This should nip this ego lift searching in the bud.

fiestyyyathena

oh i would be so mad. the marriage is one-sided and he's not being fair at all. marriage is a sacred bond and he's taking advantage of the fact that you will always be there.

i would be cold to him for a little bit, start showing him how it feels to be mistreated like that. if he truly loves you, he wouldn't even need you to show it. i'm not saying go out and find ex boyfriends or new guy friends...just start hanging out with some girlfriends and don't pay attention to him. as much as it hurts, don't show any emotion when he's talking to some of his "friends that are girls."

it might start to bug him, and then just be like "you said i didn't trust you. i do, that's why i don't care" and do the same thing back...talk for hours with a friend (could be guy or girl, just lie!) he'll be so thrown off..

but in all seriousness, marriage requires honesty. if he can't truly understand you, it might be time for some marriage counseling. and if he still wants to be with you, he'll try making the effort to fix this problem. if not, he's not worth it and still needs to grow up.

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