How would you handle this MIL?

My mother in law is about to drive me crazy. She still treats my husband and now me as well like we're 16yrs old. Trying to keep track of what we're doing. if theres bad weather she has us call her before and after we leave the house so she knows we're safe. She asks us everytime she talks to us if we paid our bills, ask me if I cleaned the house and if i did our laundry this week. etc. its like she doesnt trust us even though we are adults and now married. My husband's cousin is getting married and my MIL put my name on her shower gift without even asking me if i wanted to buy my own gift. Its not like we cant afford it. Then today she calls me and says "oh by the way me and megan (my husband's sis) went and bought a wedding gift for cary's wedding and you can just send me a check for the amount you were going to spend on a gift". We had told my MIL like 3wks ago we wanted to buy our own gift just so we didnt look like children who have their parents buy their gifts for them, and she completely went against my wishes. Now i'm sending my MIL a $80 for a gift I dont even know what the heck i bought. I've told my husband to talk to his mom but he says it so nicely she just thinks he not really bothered by it. what the heck should i do about this. she needs to realize his a married man now and that we can handle my own household. Should i personally talk to her since my husband obviously cant handle it for us? I know family members take critism better from a blood family member than an inlaw, but theres only so much more of this i can take. she's really buring a hole through our marriage, my husband and i always fight about his mom.

Jill

I don't recommend saying something yourself, but what you could do is ask to be present next time when your husband plans on bringing it up. Then, you can casually join into the discussion. You don't want it to look like you made your husband do this and it needs to be clear that your husband feels the same as you. His mom is just having a hard time adjusting to not being in control of her family try not to be too hard on her.

You and your husband need to have a discussion about this and he needs to know how upset it makes you. He needs to talk to his mom and let her know that while advice is appreciated at times, she is not there to run your lives. He needs to man up and realize that he is adult and it's time to cut the apron strings! Do not back down from this or it will continue. She needs to know that her meddling is interfering with your marriage.Make it very clear what the boundaries are and let her know that if you need anything you will ask her but she needs to let you guys do things for yourselves. Your husband is enabling her and you need to get him to take your side on this. He is a grown man with a wife and responsibilities.

Alicia

The dreaded MIL. I have so many arguments about mine with my husband. She's needy and pathetic and VERY opionated at the same time. We are always doing things for her that she should still be able to do on her own. She always has an opinion about my child rearing skills and my budget.

It's his job to handle his mother. Stress to him that he needs to be more forceful with his mother. She needs to back off.

If you haven't sent the $80 in to her yet, don't. You can call her back yourself and say that you and your husband have a certain gift in mind, but thanks for thinking of you all. She probably did this thinking she was helping you. It probably makes her feel good and gives her purpose to do things on your behalf. Unfortunately it's not your problem that she doesn't have enough of a life on her own.

Cut the strings now before it gets worse. Stuff like calling you all the time there's not much you can do about it. If you are home by yourself, don't answer the phone. If he's there tell him that it's his mom so he can talk to her. That's what I do and it keeps me sane!

If him talking to her doesn't work, then yeah, I think it is time for you to take a firmer line. Don't check in with her, cut the conversation short when she starts getting nosy, and go ahead and buy your own gift so you can tell her you're not paying twice. The catch is, even if you do the talking, your husband does have to back you up on this. If he won't and you keep fighting over it, consider calling in a counselor.

jackielafemme

You need to set boundaries, that worked for me a zillion years ago and still are working under the same rules. What I did was sooo simple, I talked to my husband and demanded for some respect from her mother, you tell her or I will...so he did..since then she respects me as his wife and as a woman, often times itÂ´s about that, a lack of respect from them and it has to be demanded or reminded.

Chelsey the Deer Hunter =)

The only thing i can suggest os proving her wrong, dont send her a check let her know that you already bought a gift.... like you said you were going to do. It is good and 100% ok to be somewhat protective of your child but she is taking it to the next level, if your husband wont get the point across to her then you should, let her know that you are both grown and she did an amazing job at raising her son. let her know you love how she helps out but you would much prefer if she gave you guys some space, make sure you complement her on her parenting skills, i think she is trying to be helpful but it is coming across as overbearing...(and she is!)

sheloves_dablues

She wants to know you're safe. It won't hurt you to be courteous and call her to let her know you've arrived safely.

When she asks personal questions about your bills, laundry or shopping, tell her it's not her business.

Buy your own gifts and sign your name to them. If she chooses to put your name on things that's up to her. It just makes you look extremely generous.

DO NOT send her money to cover your share of the gift you didn't ask her to buy. It's not rocket science. She CHOSE to do this. You are not obligated to give her money towards it.

If your husand has talked to her alone and it didn't make a difference, it's time for the two of you to have the conversation with her again. IF he's too gentle, step in and give examples of behaviours you will not tolerate any more.

But be nice about it. Most likely, she thinks she's "helping" you and doesn't realize how invasive and demeaning it is to you. If you are harsh with her you're going to be creating more hard feelings. If you acknowledge how much she loves you and wants to do things that make your life easier, she's more likely to accept that you just want the opportunity to make your own decisions. Tell her you value her opinion and you'll never stop asking for it, but that in YOUR marriage, she doesn't make decisions.

mORbid FaSi Na TioN

Oh honey you have yourself a mama's boy!

He really needs to grow a pair and stand up to her.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: