Husband, Thoughtless or not?

Tara

I know several women who this happens to.

One lady in particular, has been married over 31 years .. and she has bought her husband really nice & expensive gifts on every occasion ... but he does not buy for her.

This man opens those nice expensive gifts at Christmas - while she has absolutely nothing from him. She said in 2007 ... he did not buy her any gift on any occassion .. not her birthday, not Mothers Day, not Christmas .. just zero .. nothing at all. She bought for him on all occassions .. and has never missed a time for him in all of those 31 years .. she said that at least she could live with herself knowing that she did the right thing.

Another woman said the same exact thing -- she buys for her husband -- and he does nothing for her.

One of these ladies said that it used to tear her heart out because of his not caring ... she said but now, she does not even want him to buy her a single thing .. it has sickened her, and she does not want any presents from him at all ... he has ruined it all for her.

You are not being over sensitive. You are having natural feelings. You may never stop getting your feelings hurt when he is so thoughtless ... but if you could get to the point where you didn't expect it, or even want it from him - then you might not be as unhappy. One lady said that a great way to get revenge on her thoughtless husband, was to not tell him - but she went out and bought whatever she wanted on these occassions for herself - and just considered it the gift from him - to her.

To me ... I just don't get it about the men who do this ... but there are so many of them who just don't care .. even when it gets them in trouble .. they do it over & over again.

Some ladies have said ... they started doing the same thing back to their husbands .. just not giving them gifts either.

Lots of women have discovered .. that some men can dish-it-out .... but they can't take the same thing that they dish-out to their wives ... they live a double-standard.

It sounds like you definitely have the kind who is thoughtless - even when he gets in trouble, he will do it again .... so ... it would be in your best interests to know this is what he is NOT going to do ... and prepare yourself where you don't get upset and don't be mad - it will just make you sick, and ruin your special occassions. Go buy yourself something deliciously expensive -- and send him the bill .. or charge it to him .. but just don't expect anything from him .

Avoid the sorrow this can cause you. You may have years of it .. so don't allow him to ruin your years. You can't help it because HE is the way HE is.

áƒ¦Krissyáƒ¦

I would return the favor!

Mickey V

I messed up my wifes birthday once. It was when were dating. This guy better get his SH** together. My wife would kick my A**.

You have every right to be mad.

mezwood

He should be doing something for you to say the very least. It doesn't even have to cost money if thats the issue. Mother's day-make you breakfast in bed, Christmas...any little thing. My husband was the same way for awhile but quickly got the hint that something little vs. nothing makes a big difference in how happy i will be.

ndnqt1966

What a turd!! Do you acknowledge his birthday? Fathers Day for him? and Christmas? If you do...perhaps you should turn the tables....and quit thinking of him on these days....I don't think you are being over sensitive...your husband is just being insensitive.....On those special days....take your children out and celebrate.....

As for Mother's Day....A man should appreciate that his wife is a MOTHER to his children.....so I disagree with those that say you aren't his mother and he shouldn't acknowledge that day with you....

What did you get him on Christmas?
What did you get him on his birthday?
What did you get him on Father's Day?

Just curious.

Just read your answer where you explained what you got him for Christmas. That being the case, it sounds like you have a pretty selfish husband who can't think enough of his own wife and the mother of his children to acknowledge her on holidays, birthdays, or special occasions. I doubt little girls grow up dreaming of marrying a man that doesn't buy her presents and gifts! I do indeed feel sorry for you.

OOO K 611

You knew this going in!!!

Brother Otter

Different people respond to different expressions of caring.
Pick up a copy of Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages". It has lots of good information.

And - that said, it's really disappointing that your husband isn't attending to what is apparently very important to you.

This isn't a tit-for-tat thing. "I'm not getting what I want, so you won't either." If that's what's going on in his head, it needs to be knocked right out. Marriage is about everyone giving 100%. However, it's possible that he either really really dislikes gift giving occasions (I'm not crazy about 'em m'self), or that he's deeply hurting because there's something his heart is hungry for that isn't being offered.

Time to talk. It isn't about the cards or gifts. It's about him saying "I Love You" in a way that you hear.

melanie_lanc

now, be honest to yourself - apart from these festival days and no gifts, is he a loving husband most of the time? did he do the washing up, laundry or shopping or other housework, or looking after kids etc.......?

is he selfish in bed?

only you can tell if he is mean / caring, or whether it's purely his personality? or both?

my hubby used to buy me stuff when we were dating each other and when we first got married, but things changed quite dramatically after the first few years, and we have been married for 11 years.

he is generally a good and faithful man but not a loving and caring type of person. what can we do??

raftart

The whole idea of Christmas/birthdays, mothers day, is to give presents to show how much you appreciate someone. You have bought him things that he wanted, plus his favourite things and the selfish sod gets you nothing!!?? Wow, you must feel really loved. Tell the selfish git that if he is going to be selfish then you are too, so take his presents back and see how he likes it.

Keith in SC

is he a good husband who works every day comes home and looks after his family if so gently work with him maybe with counseling to help him learn to be giving on special days it may be that these days were not special in his family when he was growing up if he is a drunk or doper get rid of him and be better off without him

Maud The Skivvy

I've been married for almost 5 years and I haven't been on an evening out since our wedding reception :-/

I do get presents at Christmas, but he refuses to take me out for my birthday.

I often feel that he doesn't really care, but I can't be bothered to argue anymore.

x-kat-x

On mothers day i would relax, as you are not his mum, but Christmas and Birthdays that is extremely thoughtless!

I mean, to not even warn you that he isnt going to treat you on your special days!

Remind me, why are you with this man?

>:[

PS. Maybe an overstatement. But seriously, you are not being over sensitive. I don't think he cares enough.

big d

Wow you married a thoughtless ******...don't buy him anything or do anything special for him and see how he like it...

He most likely would not mind if you didnt get him anything. That is just how he is either live with it or leave. You cannot change others you can only change yourself.

stay at home mum

Yes he is thoughtless and you are not over sensitive. My husband is similar, I had my first mother's day last year and I got nothing. Although my baby is too young to know what day it is it would have been nice for husband to make or buy a card on her behalf. I didn't complain - I just thought what an ungrateful man I married. My husband has asked me to buy him expensive presents in the past and I used to buy them but when I got cheap tat from him I asked him to agree a limit on what we should spend on each other so it is fair. He still tried to pull the wool over my eyes Christmas 2006 as he didn't spend the full limit we agreed on (I found the receipts by accident), when I confronted him he just waffled on about not having enough time to spend all the money - oh please he never has any trouble spending money on himself!! I just have to live with knowing that I married a very selfish man that does not get pleasure from giving gifts or not expensive ones anyway. So Christmas 2007 I asked for cash to spend on what I want, ha ha.

purpledaisy0625

I think you are well justified in your thoughts. He is definitely thoughtless unless for financial reasons it is something you mutually decided on, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I don't know how to help you other than for you to not get him anything. I agree that he should also get you something on Mother's Day on behalf of your kids. That's a decent and respectable thing to do! How sad...

TTC #2 Baby Dust MEEE!

understanding!!!!! yes it hurts i mean we as ppl would think our man would consider even one rose picked from the garden but no after years into the relationship nothing is important anymore holidays are just another day. let him know that you need some romance in your life meaning a flower every once in a year AT LEAST! too make you feel special. you need to talk to him and let him kow how you feel and how much you get sad when the holidays come and you get nothing from him

bettyboop

yeah i think he is selfish. you should have a talk with him.

Cameo

Some people just don't have that "thoughtful gene." As long as your husband expresses his love for you in other ways, learn to recognize that and appreciate it.

Ever heard of the five love languages? Take the simple and quick online quiz! http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html#love)

To you, clearly love is expressed through gifts. (To me, it's when my husband does something for me, like put gas in my car or cooks a meal.) Your husband's love language has nothing to do with gift-giving, so he doesn't think much about such things. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. I'm sure that he does.

It would be nice if he were to put himself in your place, especially since he knows gifts at certain times is important to you but he's not you and doesn't think and react like you do. For me, if I had to try to insist that my husband behave in a way that is not in his personality, any gift he bought me would have a shallow meaning because he'd be doing it because he felt he had to--not because it came from his heart.

Learn to speak your husband's love language and he'll me more encouraged to speak yours. Life will be much better, then!

jcs89115

Yeah he is a terd for not knowing....but does he know how important holidays are to you? Tell him. He can't read your mind and you need to let him know it is more than just a day.

Brightside

Did you ever get into a conversation that suggested we save money and buy for just the kids? If so, he maybe clinging to it.

If not, well he is exactly what you think he is.

~~Candi~Gurl~~

I can understand someone forgetting a BD or anniversary occasionally, but it would be kinda hard to forget Christmas....
Not sure what to say except maybe holidays, etc, don't mean that much to him .... Did his family celebrate holidays or special occasions by giving gifts when he was a child ?
Does he give gifts to his family (parents, siblings, etc) or do you do all of that for him ?
Does he show you that he appreciates/loves you in other ways ? Since it is suppose to be the thought that counts and not the gift itself I take it that is why it bothers you ....I guess since you said day to day is ok, then I would suggest just letting him know, in a non confrontational manner, how much it hurt you ......Some people, (not just men either) don't really think things like this is important .....Let him know it is important to you ......

dreamer

i would stop giving him stuff don't acknowledge his b-day either and see how he feels about it .and just for the record i don't think your over sensitive

Momma

I do not think you are overreacting, although we all know that these holidays are not about gifts, but when the spouse shows no care or concern that this is special to you then I think they are being selfish and mean. Im sorry but if I didnt get anything either I would not be happy either. I dotn think I would be mad but I would be beyond hurt.

Sunny

Same thing happens to me every holiday! But I handle the money. If he needs money he has to ask for it, so I can see that being a little odd, honey can I get some money so I can get you a gift =p I would rather spend the money on my kids for Christmas then him going out and picking out something that I most likely won't have any interest in. But I guess its the thought that counts right!

shih tzu lady

I was in that situation one Mothers Day when my daughter was very young. It broke my heart -he's never done it again since. Try treating him the way he treats you. Stop being so soft and get him bugger all. See what he thinks then. Toughen up.

cindra

That's what a marriage is suppose to be----about love and loving one another. In order to love, you need to show love and your husband is obviously lacking in that area. No, you're not being overly sensitive---you're expecting LOVE and signs of affection. If you didn't require love and signs of affection, you wouldn't have bothered getting married. Why don't you get the tapes from Mort Fertel, called Marriage Fitness. Perhaps your husband could learn a thing or two.

~SweeT~

i think your hubby is being thoughless. It's always nice to know you are thought of on special occasions.

braddj_98

castration works in these cases

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