I'm I a bad wife? Am I the one who is wrong?

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much but i feel like he can't stand me. He has lied to me a lot and promised me he wouldn't do it again so many times. and every time he gets mad he walks out on me and goes to work without saying bye or anything. THat hurts me so much. He punishes me. Last time he did it, he lied about something and I knew he was lying and i called him on it and he yelled , "YOU DON"T TRUST ME" and walked out on me and threw his phone. and went to work early and broke his promise. then i was the one that tried to talk first and work it out and i said, you know you lied why did you blame me and then punish me for something you did? you broke a promise to me even though you know i didn't do anythign wrong, you did? and he said he was sorry etc. and Then we are living with his parents right now saving for a house and his parents are really nosy so we told them to respect our privacy. And his dad was mean to me and started yelling at me and ever since then I have felt really uncomfortable so Whenever his dad is around and derek isn't here I just hide out in my room because I feel sad ya know and just unwelcome and uncared about. So today I was talking to derek and his dad cut me off on accident and started talking to derek and derek just stopped talking to me and started talking to his dad instead. and so it bothered me because I already feel like crap and so i walked outside. and Derek came outside and yelled at me saying< " WHY do you always have to act this way? I"m so sick of this! and I'm like, "please come talk to me, please and he says, NO and walks away and ignores me. and so finally when he wants to talk he tells me that Its my fault that his dad ignores me because i ignore him to. and that he doesn't want to talk to his dad about it and say why haven't you apologized to my wife she feels uncomfortable. He doesn't want to do that.. he said, Its your problem not mine. and so i start crying and he gets pissed because i feel like he doesn't care and he says, EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS MY FAULT and walks out on me AGAIN. and i'm crying and saying please don't leave just talk to me. You would feel sad too if you lived at my partents house and they yelled at you then ignored you all the time too and acted like you weren't there and then i just said, Well its between you and them not me. You know .. if my family treated him like that, I would be like You need to say sorry to my husband because I love him and he feels scared to live here.. Thats just me though. But derek is always telling me i am wrong and making me feel like i'm no good.. he always wants to get away from me.. IT hurts me.. then he says he can't deal with me anymore.. I feel scared to tell him if anything hurts my feelings. He is 21 and i am 23. What am i doing ? am I a bad wife or is he just starting to brain wash me? I feel like he is mean... but i love him so much.. Even when he hurts me i always forgive him.. but then one week goes by and he expects me to forgive him. Ya lately i have been sensitive because things have been bad. he is supposed to be making it up to me.but every time he gets mad he tells me to leave him alone. he breaks his promises and then says.. WELL ITS BECAUS EYOU DID THIS what shoudl i do? :(
Additional Details
ITS SUPPOSES TO SAY AM I A BAD WIFE? sorry i'm pretty sad right now and trying to write this before my husband sees and gets mad at me for asking strangers :( i just have nothing else.. i feel like i should leave him but if i did i know he wouldn't even try to stop me. he woudl just let me leave his life forever.. and that hurts.. because it makes me feel like maybe he doesn't really love me... last time I said i can't deal with how mean he is he said to leave but he wants the computer! oh my god.. I"m So ******* sad.. it hurst :(

Shannon

I assume he was not always like this?
He wasn't ready for marriage and something in your relationship is making him extremely resentful.

If he gets _that_ mad leave him alone! Don't say another word to him and let him calm down. He doesn't *want* to be that angry, he is overwhelmed.

There might be something you did or are doing that precipitated his anger, but this pent-up rage he has is his fault for not dealing with it. He's probably never been this upset about anything in his life before and he doesn't know how to talk to you about it in a constructive way.

Tell him you don't want to fight - you can't take it anymore; tell him has *has* to figure out and tell you what is really bothering him.

Only something emotional can make him _that_ angry but more trivial things can trigger a release of the pent-up rage.

It's not your fault he can't deal with it, he's a 21yo brat and if you want to stay with him you need to help him grow up.
Get on birth-control, don't get pregnant yet! You guys have a few years of relationship work before you are ready assuming everything goes well!

Redogg

It sounds to me like you are in the begginning stages of an abusive relationship. No woman deserves to be treated less than Queen, and that is something that he does not understand. He abuses you verbally, and I hope it won't get physical. If he won't understand and listen to you, well............you just can't have a good marriage without communication, understanding, and love.

clownface

Well, I didn't really read your question because it was so long but I agree with what the other people said. The first couple of sentences is like my life exactly so it's not you. He probably comes from a bad background and he is emotionally abusive (mine is too and does the same shi.). Anger never, ever leaves the person, it just takes different forms so you will have to live with it forever or leave him.

Lisa Marie

Get out of his parents house. You can't be a couple when mom and dad treat you like a couple of teenagers. Move to a cheap apartment. You'll have to save a little slower for your house but at least you'll keep your marriage and sanity.

Watch the movie Fireproof and read 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage".

What you are going through sounds very typical of the early years of marriage once past the honeymoon period. This is when most divorces take place. You might want to read 'Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus" too. It'll give you a better understanding of the differences men and women have when it comes to stress, communication and arguments. I know it seems rocky now but 50% of couples pull through. Be one of those who makes it!

Best wishes!

DCK2003

It sounds like a text book abusive relationship.

willywonker

Find someone to help you. They can veiw it from a distance and help you decide what you have to do to be safe. Then when you have some time to gather thoughts you can figure out what might bethe best way to move forward. If you don't have family friends that fit the bill you can try clergy etc. Good luck to you

Meghan

It doesn't sound like his father has much respect for women and it's probably not a good sign if he doesn't have enough respect for you, woman or not, to console you when you feel hurt. I think I would agree that it does sound like the beginning of an abusive relationship. I hope you understand that what your going through isn't about your ability to make your husband happy, it's about doing what is right for yourself. You are not being sensitive you are being s*it on. If you leave you can still work on your relationship. Marriage involves a certain amount of sacrifice but that should never mean being a victim and it sounds like that's where this is headed.

Kat

The guy is driving you crazy with his abusive attitude and his anger..you really don't need to be treated like this..I know you think you are in love with him..but sometimes when you are in a relationship like this you put up with it because you think no one else will be there..and you are afraid to be alone..and you are afraid to get them out of your life..because then you have to start out new and that's not always an easy thing for some people to do.. when you are in a abusive relationship you are usually insecure and don't have much self worth..you need to seek some kind of help..and get away from this guy and realize he is not treating you good..and you do deserve better then this..he is insensitive and blames you for everything..and that's usually what abusers do..they do things to you and turn it all around like its your fault..its not..you need to dig deep inside yourself and realize you will never be happy with this guy because he will never be happy...does he have addiction problems..? or mental health problems? when you are in a healthy relationship ..the person you are with would never walk out on you ..they would listen to you and work it out..leaving someone hanging like that is cruel..and he wants you to hurt..he is actually enjoying you being sad..and crying and all the bad things you are feeling..because that's what abusers like..hurting..you should take a stand and not let him treat you this way anymore..I am not saying you are needy..but you should not let him do this to you..and letting someone take away your happiness like this..and treat you bad..is really wrong..you know it..thats why you are writing here..because you know he is doing you wrong..get some help..a good friend you trust..family member..someone to help you get out of this abusive situation..good luck !

Jennifer S

Ok, i completely understand your side. let me shed some light on his. He is a man and he has a fix it attitude so when us women are upset and get feelings hurt and are uncomfortable they want to fix it otherwise it frustrates them because they cant do anything. In this situation he is in a harp place because you are getting your needs met here. Trust me your marriage right now was mine a year ago. We were living with his parents saving for a house which we now have. His dad was so intimidating and he ignored me and was rude he also cut me off in sentences it was awful I hated that whole year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Be strong try your best not to get your feelings hurt you go to his dad and tell him your sorry, you have to remember that although yes this is between you and him it is in there house which also in a way puts them involved so I would be very carefull about saying what is said there. You are going to need to vent a lot. Try not to so much to your husband about his parents its making things worse between you two, if you can survive there once you get your house it might be rough for a little while between the two of you but then it will get better

taste.the.chaos

Honey, you're not the one at fault here. From what you shared, it seems like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. You should seriously think about your partner and your relationship. I know it's hard because of the love you have for him, but sometimes you have to face these things.

Remember, you should always have C.H.O.I.C.E.S.
Communication
Honour
Options
Independence
Comfort
Excitement
Safety/Support

In a healthy relationship, you should be able to communicate. Both partners should feel like they can talk to each other easily, and are being heard. Both should respect and honour each other. You should always have options, and your partner shouldn't be your fall back, especially if you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship. You should never feel like your partner is infringing on your Independence, keep your friends and family close. You should feel comfortable with your partner, and if things don't feel right TRUST YOUR GUT! It's usually right. If you dread the idea of seeing your husband, then that's a huge red flag. You should feel the "butterflies", and there should be romance in the relationship.

Find someone you can talk to, a friend or family member. If you're hurting, then something isn't right.

deth0168

Yes and yes.

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