I'm confused.. is this 2009 or 1939?

I've been dating this guy for ten months, we've gotten serious lately. I like him a lot, I don't know if I really love him but I'm getting there. Anyway, he loves me, he tells me all the time and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

He proposed to me on Friday. I was surprised, and flattered. But I'm simply not ready to marry this man. I've been in love in the past and what I have with him doesn't feel like love to me. I told him I'm not ready and he told me already asked my parents and brothers for my hand in marriage. They of course were very happy and encouraging.

I'm sorry, but I'm not an old fashioned girl. I feel like my private life has been invaded and that everyone around me is planning out my future without even considering what I want. I'm really upset with him for doing this. I know I shouldn't be, he was just trying to be a gentleman. But this is my life, I'm 28 years old I'm not a child I should be able to make my own decisions without my parents getting involved. My mother called me that night because she knew he was going to propose and she was upset when I told her I turned down his proposal.

I feel like I can't forgive him for this. What can I do?
Additional Details
I just wanted to be the one to tell my parents. I was the only one surprised by the proposal and I resent that. I feel like it should have been a private thing between me and him.

â™ªâ™« â™¥Heartbeatâ™¥ â™«â™ª

Perhaps you were never meant to be together. You acknowledge that you have been in love before, and it just doesn't feel right with this guy.
I understand that you feel uncomfortable with the fact that he asked your parents for your hand in marriage before he had discussed it with you, but please don't be mad at him ... he was being incredibly sweet really, and just trying to be a gentleman. It does illustrate, though, that the two of you are on very different wavelengths - to consider marrying you, he should have known you well enough to know that you would not be impressed by his charming gesture - there is nothing wrong with that, neither on your part nor his, it is just a difference of viewpoint.
Perhaps it was a wake-up call for both of you really, that this relationship isn't quite working as well as it should be, and the two of you have different values, ideas, goals, and feelings. If you decide to stay together, you really will need to forgive him and realise that there was no malicious intent - he was trying to be sweet, in his own way. And maybe make it clear to him that you need to take things a bit slower. You are wise not to have been swept up in the romance of the moment - it's good that you are level-headed enough to take the time to make the right decision for your future. Don't be pressured by your parents though - they need to want the best for you, only you will know if and when you're ready to make such a big commitment, and whether you really have found the person who's right for you.

Justin G

I agree with dobiz. You two obviously are on two different wavelengths. Let him go find someone who is.

Besides...that's one hell of a thing to have dangling out there in the open. Your relationship will most likely be down hill from here because you will know that he cares more for you than you do for him and vice versa.

dobiz_rule

let the poor guy go. you don't love him, stop stringing him along.

he was trying his best to impress. Obviously he is not aware that you are not an old fashioned girl. were you parents pleased that he did that? i bet he got on their good side. it must have been hell for him to do it. NOT AN EASY thing for a guy to do. trust me he will be scared for life!
as i said, let him go. the only reason you are pissed at him is cause you don't love him and don't want to marry him. if he was the guy of your dreams you would be jumping out of your panties right now with joy.

David L

In my opinion, you need to separate these 2 issues:

1) Whether or not you're ready to marry him (sounds like "no"), and

2) Him asking your parents/brother for "permission" to marry you.

For the first issue, this is between you and him, and has nothing to do w/ your parents or brother. You need to talk this through with him and decide if you just need to wait a while, or if this won't ever work.

For the second issue, personally I think you've blown this out of proportion. It's definitely old fashioned to ask a family for their daughter's hand in marriage, but it's a classy thing to do. If your family is pressuring you to say "yes", then it's your family that has issues, not your boyfriend.

I can understand your hurt feelings over this, but they were certainly unintentional (based on what you've written). So, tell your family to lay off, and talk straight to your boyfriend. But don't be upset at him for talking to your family. It sounds to me like he was just raised by a proper (if old fashioned) family.

I bet you end up marrying another guy you think you love and he turns out to be a creep.

wondering

He respects you and loves you. He was hoping for the best, but you just don't feel like he does. Maybe later you will feel differently. Don't be mad he really was just showing you respect. Sounds like a gentleman to me

â™¥ avianna...â™¥

Wow, I feel sorry for the guy.
Any woman would love a guy like that.
I think you you need to let him go.
You're clearly not interested in him in a "love" kind of way.
You're both on two different chapters in life.

yup

End it so he can find someone who will love him the way a person should be loved.

Yes...you could be pregnant!

i think ur angry at him when its your issues that are at fault... most decent guys still feel it better to 'do the right thing' and ask parents first.. jst coz u have a problem with that doesnt mean hes at fault..was he supposed to clear it with you first beofre asking ur father to marry you then surprise u later???

missy p

if you can't forgive him you shouldn't be together in the first place he is trying to do things the right way by including your family that takes alot of love and trust to do that

Laura H

Stand by your rights as a grown woman who doesn't need your parents approval, and reject him outright and single-mindedly.
PLEASE do this, because there are women out there drooling over such a REAL man who has the balls to face those who love you more than they do themselves, and like a true STUD, ask their approval and opinion, before they dare ask you how you feel.
Go stand for your rights, miss "I am woman hear me roar" and leave strong, "balls out" men like this stud for the rest of us!
Don't forgive him, and be free of such a display of chivalry, guts, and grace.
Now go burn your bra and demonstrate :-p

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