I've been having an affair for 1 year. Is there a "best" way to tell my wife?

rightio

You need to decide if you want to stay married or not. You should never leave your marriage for another woman. You should leave because you are unhappy in your marriage. If you want out of your marriage, then dont tell your wife it is for another woman, tell her, you are unhappy and want to leave. Having another woman involved makes it very difficult for everyone concerned, and really it should not be the reason you leave anyway. You need to think long and hard about telling your wife anything. You firstly have to decide if you want to stay married or not. Maybe a trial separation may be the go...then you will be in a better position to know what your true feelings are. You think you love the other woman....I think you would know for sure if you did love her. You are very confused. Please dont tell your wife anything just yet. If you decide you want to stay married then you have to end it with the other woman. If you want out of your marriage, then do it, but do it with the least amount of hurt to your wife. She is going to be hurt anyway, but it would be worse if you told her you were leaving her for another woman. Your guilt is not enough to confess the truth. I think the only way you are going to work this out is to separate from your wife for a while, then decide where it is you trully want to be.

Pedro the lawnboy

If you plan on leaving her, just sign a blank check, cap'n.

If you plan on staying with your wife and making a go of saving your marriage, never tell her. I know it's a terrible thing to say, but she will never forget it if you tell her. She may be able to forgive you, but not a day will pass where it won't come up in her mind.

What you've done is deplorable, but it's not my place to judge you. Telling her would ease your guilty conscience, and you deserve to suffer with your guilt for the rest of your marriage. I fully realize it takes two people to make a rotten marriage, but you've taken it to another level with your affair. Leave her what peace she has.

barthebear

Your first sentence tells it all. Children, especially babies. oh and especially teenagers, etc take such a toll. I truly believe if you could stop the affair and realize that your marriage is in turmoil because of those two babies( as you said it went downhill in the past year since the 2nd one was born) and just go through the motions of trying to resurrect it you may be on the right track. I mean you even wrote that this affair has never stood the test and it would probably be just the same if there were the 2 babies with the other woman. I would chill for a while, take a break from this other woman for the purpose of seeing if you truly want to be absent from your children and have your precious babies grow up with divorced parents. It doesnt matter if you love this other woman or not. You need to think with a rational mind, not emotions, and you will get over her if you dont see her again. Please stop calling her or seeing her. You sound like a person of integrity if you can just get out of this funk. If your wife hasnt guessed, it may be possible to move on and get your marriage back together. I think in future years you will be glad you did. Best wishes

acmeraven

You are sooooo dead. The safest way to tell your wife is with a very, very long distance phone call so she can't shoot you on the spot,and say a burglar did it in the course of a robbery, so she could get survivor's benefits for the kids. You should also plan on getting a second job so you can keep up the alimony and child support payments and avoid going to jail and being Bubba's new boy toy. Kiss your car or SUV goodbye land get ready to report to the gulog. We who are about to die salute you.

harold

If you plan on ending the affair, then no I would not tell my wife. If would only cause more problems. What she don't know won't hurt her, and she won't leave you. So end it and spend more time at home.

mark

how about:

You need to work out what you want before you speak to your wife. Are you going to dump her and your kids for this new woman ? Does the new woman want you full time or are you just a casual fling for her. ?

If you want to fix things with your wife then you dont mention the affair, you just spend a lot of time and attention on her. Saying "honey , I love you deeply but this other woman was fantastic isnt gonna be good.

If your wife dumps you, or you abandon her make very certain you provide child support and alimony to your wife. She doesnt deserve to live in a state of poverty because you are a dishonourable guy who cant keep his pants zipped.

Long Dong Von Hugenstein

You have to decide whom you want and then be a real man and face the consequences of your actions. If you love the other woman make sure she feels the same. There is no easy way to say you want out for another woman she will probably freak and try to rape you in child support court. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Tell your wife you want a divorce and your not happy and then end it and go to the other woman if that is what you truly want. If you tell her your leaving for this other woman it will be a heck of a lot worse. I am not condoning what you have done but it is the only way I can think of to make it easier.

s f

If you loved them so dearly why would you risk loosing them all because that what will most likely happen. I think you are a dirt bag for doing something like that to your family. Put the shoe on the other foot and how would you feel if she did the same to you. If she stays with you if you are lucky she will never trust you again.

hard rock girl

Well lets put it this way. My ex-husband just came out and told me that he has someone new. I saw the warning signs, but I didn't want to believe he had someone else. When he told me I was gone. I don't think my ex realized just how expensive divorce is and guess who paid for it? I was his house wife. Our state law states that he had to take his salary minus mine ($0) and divided it by 50%. He was required to keep my life the same for 2 years. In other words I got half his salary and he even had to pay for 50% of my medical bills. So I ask you...is she really worth it? I think you better do some searching and see if it is real love. I know my ex was sorry...he even asked my lawyer if I would come back to him. Remember one more thing...you have a bond with your wife through your kids. If you get divorced you will still have to see her all the time. You will still have to work on raising them without hate. I am in a marriage now where my husband hates his ex-wife and visa vera. It makes our life very tough to raise his kids with her always popping in any time she wishes. My husband won't talk to her so I have to deal with her. You don't want that do you?

diana2007brent

Well it is completely your fault because you made a conscious decision to do this. First before you ever speak to your wife it's a good idea to take responsibility for your actions otherwise she will never forgive you.

Since you do not know what you want to do it is probably the best time to decide that - not tell her first. She will be even more hurt if you can't decide what you want.

If you decide you are going to jump with both feet into your fantasy world than you need to tell your wife that you are moving on. By choosing to continue this you are risking the health & well-being of your entire family. Do you know this other woman will want to be with you like you do with her? Does she know about your wife & kids? And yes you probably are guarding your feelings because of guilt - guilt is a good God given indicator that we are doing something we shouldn't be.

If you decide you want to stay with your wife & family...then you need to COMPLETELY cut ties with the other woman & work on fixing your relationship with your wife. If you are feeling guilty & looking for some relief then step up to the plate & do the right thing by devoting your heart to your family. If you still choose to tell your wife it should be on the premise that I screwed up & I am willing to do everything to fix it.

Remember that everything that happens are watched by tiny little eyes & ears. If you do leave the children will automatically internalize this event & blame themselves - it's what children do. They may never forgive you & if you can accept that you may not walk your daughter down the aisle when she's married then you can leave. But if you can't accept the fact that you will be replaced - don't make yourself replaceable. What if it was your daughter whose husband did this? What would you say to her?

Being a good father doesn't mean you can't make mistakes - it means you get the chance to fix them. Your family will love & respect you more for putting your nose to the grindstone & putting in the work to make things better than to run away & start an 'easier' life with another.

Good luck - you got yourself in really deep here!

Idon0tknow

You are going to be very disappointed. This lady is enjoying you and you enjoying her only because it is forbidden fruit. If she had to put up with your mess you would hear a different tune be saying. Of course it is exciting because it is new, wait until it is old and you become very familiar. Get you behind home and don't mention it to your wife instead call it quits. Find a way to bring romance back into your own marriage. What goes around comes around and you will reap what you sow, thats the law. Think about it, if the shoe was on the other feet, how would you feel. You may not reap anything from it tomorrow or the next year, but it will come back and bite you in the butt at the less expected time.

juanes addicion

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR WIFE ENOUGH TO REMAIN IN THE MARRIAGE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED...you drop the affair..YOU JUST BACK AWAY..

SEE YOU CAN BE HONEST WITH YOUR WIFE..AND THAT IS FINE..JUST KNOW THAT SHE WILL PROBABLY THROW YOU OUT ON YOUR azz..

but...IF SHE HAS THE PATIENCE and the stomach to look at you again...there is a possobility of saving your marriage...

forgiveness is OUT THERE quite a ways..but it is possible...however forgetting this will be your wife's mt. everest...and it may not occur..and THAT you earned..

so at this point..what I would do if you want to get this where it NEEDS to be...I would erase ANY AND ALL texts, any and all emails..email accts...phone logs..etc..not to mention any and all pictures...this NEVER happened...and all excuses and money trails MUST be accounted for...

you CAN take care of this without telling her...ESPECIALLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE KIDS..it will be important to really grow a pair and bea real man! Take care of your kids, do the household chores..YOU NEED TO BE ACTIVELY BUSY ON A DAILY BASIS WITH NO EXCEPTIONS..you also need a book or two to help yourself get back into the groove with your wife...my best bet is that you are in a parallel marriage in which you and your wife are just going through the motions...

so....in order to reinvent yourself...and your REAL love for your wife..that you had when you got married...you need to get SEVERAL self help books and follwo their advice...get professional help and follow that as well..

one book that has quite a few religious quotes and references..but also is very good at proving its point..is

"And they were not ashamed" (Laura M. Brotherson) it will help you improve your physical, emotional and spiritual bond between yourself and your wife. This book can help you if you are open minded and willing to improve!

I am telling you this much...I wouldn't tell her if she doesn't know...she may have already suspected your activities but I suggest that you give it some time for YOU before telling her...it will be hard...get YOUR stuff in order...so that if you DO end up on your butt...getting a place is not hard...look at getting a studio apt nearby...since you HAVE kids and will probably have child support payments, you will need a place and financial stability to get 50% joint custody...i don't see it working well for you...i will be honest...a year is A LONG time.. and to just delete that won't be easy...but your wife is worth MUCH more than that...and if your mistress is worth more to you than your wife..then your priorities are more F'd up than even you probably thought..ANYWAY..when you tell her...DO have your homework done...because you will need a place to sleep and hotels/motels get expensive quickly..IF she takes you back...then get self help books and professional help to get over this whole thing...

lolagrl

My husband had an affair, when my kids were those same ages. I found out from a phone call from the other woman.Have the courage to at least tell her yourself. If you don't tell her, it's only a matter of time before your girlfriend does

theothrwoman

I think you should take into consideration the feelings of the woman you've been having an affair with for the past year. She probably loves you very much and it isn't only about you and your family. You need to think about her feelings as well. If she makes you happy and you are in love maybe you need to explore that more and give it a chance to develop into something real...

jude

there is no answer to this, u should feel guilty, but i would bet there isn't anything u are going to do about saving your marriage. its because this other woman came into your life and stoked your ego, and told u what she thought u wanted to hear that u think u love her. but think of your poor wife who has no clue and who will be devastated. if this woman your seeing will cheat with u knowing your married what kind of woman do u think your getting? someone with no morals or character, and when u hurt others it always comes back to u. what will u do when your wife is gone and you've destroyed your marriage, and this woman dumps u for someone better? than u will know the heartache your wife is about to feel. everyone of us gets their come upings when they hurt others, so be waiting on yours.

demarkation_line

I hope that this woman was worth the life that you built. You both deserve each other but she will most likely dump you because no one wants to be married to a cheater.

MurphysGirl

Confess! You are torn and will never be completely happy with your wife even if you decide to stay. Your wife deserves a chance at happiness the same you do. Be a man and owe up to your misgivings. Everything will work out in the end. Find a time when the kids are away or have someone take them for awhile, sit your wife down and tell her the entire story. Don't leave out anything, but spare the intimate details (that will only make it worse). Pack your bags, rent a hotel room, or stay with a friend, and give your wife time to absorb what you told her. Go back the next day and discuss the important issues, such as the children, should you try to work it out? Should you divorce? If you decide to stay, you have to let go of the other woman and or you prepared to do that? Good luck

Harmless

Do NOT tell your wife!!!!!!!! Life will become unbearable if you do. Making a disclosure like that is all about your own guilt, and she'll feel like crap no matter how you tell her. Just don't do it.

If you feel any guilt at all about this affair, then you need to break it off. Feeling guilt means you haven't got what it takes to carry on an affair.

Look to your soul, in your heart of hearts, and ask yourself why you are having an affair. Is this a self-destructive thing coming from low self-esteem, or did you try and fix the troubles in the marriage and in your own self first? Are you willing to do that now?

Can you go to your wife and tell her that you aren't happy, and why, and that you want you two to be happy again? If the situation requires it, are you willing to go to a counselor to sort out your feelings-and be honest about them?

You gf doesn't like your feelings of guilt; it's an added burden to the relationship. If you can't be with her in a relaxed, happy, guilt-free state of mind, then you need to let her go. It'll hurt, but no more than it hurts now.

Love is love regardless of where you find it or how. But if you "think" it's love, then it's infatuation and not love. You cannot wrap up True Love and conceal it like it'll fit in a box. True Love has to breathe and be free. You can do that in an affair, but not where your head is at right now.

jewel_tuesday

i know an easy way, put your wifes phone number on here and let someone else tell her how much of an *** she married. poor woman, 2 young kids and a husband who is about to break her heart. its true you dont deserve advice.

sckr4luv

I think that you love the new woman, you just love the feeling of being happy (something that you arent feeling with your wife) Just come out and tell you wife how you are feeling and break it to her gently. Be sure that the kids are out of the house, you dont want them to be frightened if she goes "off" and starts shouting and crying. My question for you is are you really ashamed because it has been a year with this woman? Ithink it time to break it off with her and work on being with your wife if she still wants to be with you. Ths way you can focus on your marriage and not extra activites like sneaking around and lying.

Mergler

You made the decision to cheat and now you want to shove it in your wife's face? You have to deal with this w/o your wife.

If you no longer love your wife, tell her that and if shes asks if theres another woman you put on your best Michael Corleone and say "no" but really get divorced and spare her some dignity!

If your looking for forgiveness and you feel compelled to admit what you been doing then you should go see a counsler alone at first. Get a good feel on how best to approach your wife. All women are different and take bad news differently. Whats good for one isnt for another.

kitcat

It doesn't matter how bad it seem to you, you at least on her the courtesy of trying to make things work out. Yeah you should be ashame having an affair on a woman with a 3 and 1 year old which means you probably starting having an affair shortly before or after the last child was born. You are right there is no easy way to tell your wife. You have two choices: 1. to end the affair and cut your loses. 2. tell your wife and cut your loses. There are no easy way to tell the mother of your children that you are having an affair and possibly want out of the marriage. You think you might love the other woman but all you two have doing is having s*x, no real relationship stuff. You are not in love, you are in lust. Short end of the story is to end the affair and try to work on your marriage. Only then will you know for sure if being marry is what you want. Good luck.

eaton63

i think you should tell your wife. What your feeling for gal no. 2 isn't love, it's New Relationship Energy. The two are completely different. Real love comes when you have spent time with a person and weathered many storms, and still choose to be together. NRE (or a crush, if you will) is temporary and doesn't last. Its not supposed to. It's the intiial drive for bonding with another as a pre-cursor for love. NRE mellows at around 2 years. it won't last, like I said.

You need to end it with gal no. 2..for good and reconnect with your wife. Make a date with her for dinner and calmly tell her abt the mistake you have made. (Don't bring the kids!) maybe she too feels like somethings been lost. (and having 2 small children is taking ALOT out of her I am sure) IMO when we say "I do" it means we have to work our asses to keep our marriages happy and alive. It's the job of both people, so work it out..Good luck!

shesmypunk

make a list with both womens names at the top. under the names list what makes you happy about each one. then list what you dislike about each one. whose ever happy list is longer is the one to be with, she makes you the happiest.

islandgirl06

I just read everyone respond to your question, and its not good because some of them hated you for what you did towards your wife and children. And yes they were right, there's no such thing as "best way". First of all why didn't you stop, but you can't because you were emotionally involve with this woman, you can take it either way but no adulteries can last 1 year without having feelings for the other woman.
I'm sorry to say this but your not really thinking about your kids when you say that you are feeling guilty, a man with a good heart will not make an excuse. The only way or the only thing that you can do now is tell your wife the truth. It will destroy her as well as your kids but this is the best way. Not even a marriage councilor can fix this. Your wife needs freedom from you, so if you really love your kids, then give them freedom,before they grow up and hate you for it.....
Good luck to you and I do feel sad for your wife and kids...

lolo h

If you are going to tell her, then just tell her. Don't be emotional, don't start with excuses, just say it. You know her, we don't- so you know the best way to handle it.
If you are not going to tell her, and you feel so guilty, then leave the other woman alone and fix your marriage. You know deep down (and maybe not so deep down) what you really want to do.
Don't base your decision an anything but whether or not you want your marriage to work. Staying together for the children's sake only makes everyone more miserable and bitter. Including the children. My parents stayed together for our sake; they should have left each other a long time ago. It was sooooo obvious to us that they were just living in the same house and that they didn't like each other. It gets worse over time. Now they are trying to kill each other.
What do you think this is teaching the children? Certainly not how to love, only how to hate. Is that how you want to raise your children? Think about that when you think about staying together "for the kids' sake". Nobody wins that one.

starseed11

Tell your wife ASAP..the longer you wait..the worse the offence. Im sure your wife will be livid when you tell her, but she will be even more mad if you wait to tell her. Try to explain to her your story (if she wants to here it) and make it clear it was a mistake (if you think it is) and that you're sorry. I doubt she will want to here your excuses, but I would tell her ASAP if I were you.

GUESS

damn been there done that, and wont do it again!!! basically ur fkd.!!!! sorry for my plural but its true!!!

Kitty

What are you looking to gain by telling your wife? Are you looking to get out of the marriage? If so, just tell her that you want a divorce, and file - don't complicate things by bringing up the affair. If you really want to work things out with your wife - then get out of the other relationship, and try to find ways to make your marriage better; perhaps suggest counseling. In this case, too, there is no reason to bring your affair into this. The "timing" and the "delivery" would depend on what you are trying to accomplish with your revelation - and it is not clear from your question exactly WHAT it is.

Your new relationship seems "romantic" largely due to the fact that it is new, exciting, forbidden, and you don't get to see each other very often. It has nothing to do with the real life. If romance and excitement is what you crave, then keep things the way they are, and don't fool yourself by thinking that this new relationship would somehow be different from your marriage if you were with this person full-time.

guitardan

Ever heard of the commandment "Thou shall not commit adultry?" What is wrong with you, you have 2 kids to think about also. Just remember one thing buddy.....when your burning in hell it's going to be pretty damn hot.

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