I've been with my wife for 12 years, married for 6, and now she says she doesn't feel attracted to me?

Lil B

I think that you need to sit down and talk to her about what she needs from the marriage and you. Talk to her about what she is missing. See where it will go from there.

Fraggler

I was married 8 years and got the same talk. That was in conjunction with finding out she was "in love" with a coworker. I am a few weeks from finalizing the divorce.

To be honest, the marriage is over. What she wants is the flame of passion that often goes with a new relationship and most often dies in a long term relationship. Usually the flame of passion becomes something more comfortable, something more secure if the union was right. At this point, she hasn't been honest about her feelings with you or herself. Marriages only reach this stage when there isn't communication, or worse, there are lies. My wife lost "it" many years ago, but was too afraid, to selfish, and cowardly to say anything. She was terrified to lose me up until the day she left me for another man.

I am not saying that your wife is cheating, but something outside the marriage has finally caught her eye. Often times women will be too scared to admit something is wrong until some outside influence wakes them up. And often times, they won't want a divorce until they have someone to run to. They won't give up security until they find love again.

It is the rare, rare couple that can find the spark again after it is gone. If she wants to work on it, if she really values the marriage and loves you, and of course, you truly lover her, fight for the relationship. But if she loves you, but not enough to fight for the marriage, then divorce, walk away, and start a new life.

I am not entirely happy with the way my life turned out, but I can't help but think that my wife leaving me for another man will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I will always root for love to prevail, but I am realistic enough to know that most of the time it doesn't. Good luck.

Brian B

i think you should see a marriage counselor

DomesticDiva

There is a reason why she's not in love with you. Whether it is something small or big. It could be as simple as things have become routine and boring, shes may not feel appreciated, or there may be someone else or the want to find someone else. These are just examples.
Whatever the case may be, until you sit down and have a talk to figure out exactly what the problem is, there is no way to know whether its fixable or not. Her just saying "shes not in love with you anymore" is an easy cop out. After 12 years of marriage you owe it to yourselves to talk things through completely.

But in any relationship, things are ALWAYS two sided, so if you both can identify the problem you both will have things you need to do to fix it. So any potential for a fix will require effort on both sides to make things work.

Best of Luck...

magerious

Well

This could come from several different places.

One you could have settled into a routine and stopped challenging each other to grow. Sometimes as men we get into a coasting period which women are never going to respond well to.

Two have you been keeping up on your physical appearance, hygiene and fitness? Sometimes we think once we are married we can relax and let ourselves go, but it is even more important to keep vigilant on our physical fitness and hygiene in long term relationships.

Three are you still having long conversations and planning sessions with your wife? These are some of the most important ways to stay connected with each other and keep each other excited about where you are going together.

Space Cadet #5

I've been with my wife for 14 years, married over 12. Similar situation. It sux and I have no idea what to do about it. We've been in a rut for years. Kids are 8 & 10, she doesn't work, we have lots of money. I've tried everything... romance, counseling, doing housework, giving her space, etc. etc. She treats me like she'd like to see me dead, yet she says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce. I keep wondering what would happen if another woman came into my life. It would be hard not to leave.

Hokie_Pokey

You could try couples counseling. Unfortunately, once a person falls out of love, sometimes nothing can be done to make them fall in love with you again.

soren

Don't give up just yet. More then likely it is a loss of passion. Unless she has found another person to give her what she needs then there is still hope for you to re light that flame.

I was in a relationship for 13 years, I fell out of love with him. He was a good guy but kind of selfish. Although he loved me and told me he did not want to lose me, he was always so wrapped up in his own life. I think looking back we had a communication problem. We talked a lot and were really close but we did not communicate effectively. I felt that I asked for what I needed and wanted but he would lay a guilt trip on me for wanting or asking. I finally stopped trying and gave up. Looking back I know now that he just did not know how to fulfill my needs or I did not know how to ask in the right way. Since that time I have read a few books that have changed my prospective on things (listed below.) turns out I needed a real man to help me to feel like a women. It might have saved my marriage if either one of us had known how to do this.

My suggestion would be to get a counselor and do the work to revive your marriage before its to late. Get the book The proper care and feeding of marriage asap, get the audio book if you don't like to read and you both listen to it.
peace and good luck

Katie P

I was married for 26 years and one day out of the blue my husband told me he loves me but he's not in love with me, I asked him what that meant and he said he wants a divorce. I don't know your wife but it sounds like your marriage is over, once a spouse says those horrible words you well know it's over, I know it will be hard to move on because I'm still having trouble because I still love my ex, but as time goes on you will start to heal and maybe you will find some one to love you. good luck,,,,,

snack_daddy10

Stop letting her spend your income. If she doesn't have a reason to keep you happy she wont.

She will want you happy enough to let her spend your money.

dukominimo

I think she is getting bored and wants variety

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