I am 64 years old and married for 39 and not happy-is it logical at this stage of life to get divorced?

Sue W

Although it may seem like the answer is "NO", I believe that if you are not happy, then it's not fair to you if you stay married. I speak from experience. My husband and I were high-school sweethearts and married for almost 30 years. We started having problems about 2 years ago and instead of trying to fix things, my husband chose to divorce me. Although it devastated me and I'm still trying to recover from it, I realize he had to do what was right for him. If he wasn't happy and didn't love me anymore, it wouldn't be fair to him if he stayed just for me. You ultimately have to do what you feel is right for yourself. After all, if you aren't happy with your wife, it's going to show in some way. That's not fair to her. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

tellthetruth

you can get a divorce anytime you want but why are you so unhappy?

thudson

Not logical but if you are not HAPPY then you should move on. Yes you have been married for almost 40 years but if you are not happy make your self happy.

Try talking though about it first maybe your partner needs to know how you feel sometimes the love is gone but friendship can always be there. Be happy though....

born west coast

why be unhappy for one minute?

marriage is not a license for you to be miserable.

cut and run.

colorfulgiftofsoul

You only live once, but the question is really why are you so unhappy and will the divorce really make a difference?

forgivebutdonotforget911

The question you have to ask yourself is WHY are you not happy? Would a divorce solve the problem or would it just give you more reasons to not be happy?

Before you get divorced, you need to make a realistic assessment of the financial impact of the divorce. For example, did you work enough to get social security on your own or are you going to get it because your spouse worked? If you each have social security coming in for your own work, can YOU make it on your own check or will you have to go back to work? Is your spouse equally unhappy? IF yes, then you could probably do a cheap divorce and divide the assets easily. But if your spouse is happy you may have a very big court battle on your hands. The lawyers will make a lot of money. Can you afford it?

Talk to the kids. Maybe you just need a separation for a while. Go visit the kids for a few months. Once out of the house, you may see things differently..

Lastly, talk to people your own age that got divorced and ALSO talk to people your own age that lost their spouse. Find out what they think about being ALONE at that age.
You may find an unhappy marriage is better than being ALONE...

lovetodancebeledi

I am a registered nurse and a psychotherapist, so I will answer with my "professional" hat on, and a little from the personal.

It takes courage to name what "is"-- that you are unhappy. And it is wise to question the logic of ending something that has lasted so long -- 39 years is a half of the average person's lifespan! Since I do not have any more details, my response is going to be somewhat generic from here.

Though divorces and separations happen at all kinds of ages, I think it is more important to take stock of what you and your spouse have done, over the years and recently, to keep a connection. If the answer is "not much", you owe it to yourself to ask why. Because you are also not too old to figure out if what you want is to make small improvements to the relationship -- not grand overhauls-- that might make the two of you more happy together.

Secondly, you must ask if part of the unhappiness is related to a third party. If it is, just keep in mind that the unhappiness you have in your current marriage will likely follow you into another relationship, and similarly for your spouse. We always perceive that it our spouse's fault that we're unhappy, but the truth of it is, most of the time we are responsible for our own happiness and our own perception/interpretation of what is going on.

Thirdly (and here's the personal part), divorce hurts. In the wallet, in the heart, in the bed, to the children and community. If divorce is necessary, people do heal and life goes on. But divorce rarely fixes the problems we think it will. I describe divorce as the death and the funeral without the coffin.

Finally, you should try to put into words on paper what your unhappiness is about, in relationship to your marriage and your spouse. It may help you decide if what needs to happen is counseling and time, separation and mediation, or divorce and severing of the relationship entirely. It may also help you determine the severity of your situation -- or the mildness -- so you don't do anything rash and irreparable, or emotionally damaging to yourself and your spouse.

Taking time to analyze and describe what it is you really want may help you count the costs of divorce. For 39 years, your identity has been tied to marriage and family -- you have become more than your self. To sever that tie and start over requires integration of that loss, which is measured far beyond money. It is community, friends, children. Sometimes, in more conservative sectors, it is also churches, leaders, integrity, and trust that is lost as well. I cannot tell you how many devasted spouses have come through my office, telling stories of how, in their later years, people they had known for years started looking at them in a negative light, or how hard it was to eat meals alone, return to a small apartment, or have no one to call when their tire blew out on the freeway. These are costs that aren't measured in the heaviness of our unhappiness, because it's often in our human nature to take these things for granted.

I hope I've stimulated some thoughts for you. If you'll grant yourself the time, talk to a counselor in your local area, and get an objective picture of what is going on for you.

Best of luck to you, for whatever you decide.

bailey m

since when does logic have anything to do with love or hate?

kimpetuous

Logical?? How about it's necessary. Everyone deserves to be happy. Would you rather spend the next 20 years happy or unhappy?

Revenant Hamster

I know a guy who divorced after 25 years and four kids. (The kids supported him.)
Logical has nothing to do with it. If you are really not happy; then there is no reason to live the rest of your life that way.

spelling nazi

Yes, of course it's logical!!! You deserve to be happy.

berandom

maybe your just going through something...everyone has their moments...

shannie

Absolutely. You only live once, why spend the rest of your time being unhappy. Go and do some things you've always wanted to do, but could'nt

Wiser1

Sure, if you like being alone. But why not try couples counseling first? After 39 years, you owe each other that.

nickle

This is something ONLY YOU can decide. Are you Finacially able to do this on your own? Are you in good health? Are you ""INDEPENDENT " enough to go it alone?

Melanie J

Its getting more and more common, thats for sure.

I am not sure I would throw away a 39 year marriage, though. I guess it depends on why you are unhappy. Are you unhappy with your life or your mate? Maybe you just need to make some changes, go out and be more active and encourage your spouse to do the same. You are never too old to have a life,lol.

This situation could be turned into a very positive thing if you and your husband decide to make some positive changes to your lives and marriage.

pink rose

You never said why you were not happy. Why did you wait this long to want a divorce? Have you two ever consider counseling??

Divorce is having to start all over, is this what you want?
I think you need to really think about this real hard.

taurus_lynne

Are you sure you are so unhappy you would rather be alone after being with this person for 39 years? It's never to late to get a divorce! You can do whatever you set your mind to!

dad

Your never to old to be free

kathy p

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THIS. REMEMBER LIFE IS SHORT, WE NEED TO ENJOY LIFE EACH AND EVERYDAY. IF YOU KNOW FOR SURE THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, IT'S NEVER TO LATE. WHY BE UNHAPPY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. DID YOU AT LEAST TRY COUNSELING?? MAYBE YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE WITH YOUR SPOUSE. GO AWAY, HAVE SOME ROMANTIC NIGHTS. DO SOMETHING YOU DID YEARS AGO THAT YOU BOTH ENJOYED, AND HAVEN'T DONE IN A VERY LONG TIME. MAKE IT A SURPRISE. BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NEVER TO OLD TO MAKE CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, IF IT MEANS GETTING DIVORCED. I WOULD SIT DOWN AND WRITE DOWN THE PRO'S AND CON'S AND TRY AND WEIGH THINGS OUT. DO WHAT WILL MAKE "YOU" HAPPY. ARE YOU REALLY READY TO WALK AWAY FROM 39 YEARS OF MARRIAGE? ASK YOURSELF AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST OF LUCK KATHY

knk724

no go for it. seems like your just going thru the motions and everything is routine.

Mika

hey gerald k! what measures have you taken to fix your marriage! did things just go bad, because i doubt that you would've stayed in a 39 year marriage that was bad from the start. make this a family matter, do you two have children, grandchildren other close family and friends that have been around throughout the years. you have to remember, divorce affects a lot of people not just the couple who's parting ways! before you jump out of your marriage try to fix the problem that you're running from in the marriage. i know a lot of couples who have gotten divorce and hated it because they realized that they were still very much in love with one another after the damage had already been done. go to the family get their views on the marriage, because they are involved in this also! do the right thing, start being happy again. good luck gerald k!

flyfish_777

Go work on your marriage and then make that decison.

Go to www.marriagebuilders.com and order a book called "his needs, her needs" Once that fails then think about a divorce.

39 years with someone is a long time to throw away....

yaktur

At your age, a sense of stability and maturity comes to the mind as compared to younger, more impulsive people.

With that said, for you to want to divorce must - MUST - be quite serious.

Let me ask you if you can see yourself withstanding your current situation for any reason, for any longer?

Only you can answer that. Answer yourself honestly.

DK Julie

Divorce is all too common today, and the world seems to have a "me first" attitude without regard for other people's feelings. I agree that we all want & deserve to be happy, but honestly it isn't always the other person you're with that is causing the unhappiness. Often it is merely our own attitudes. If you have children a divorce at this stage can be devastating to the adult children. You should really think about the impact a divorce will have on the rest of your family.

You need to really think about whether your unhappiness is caused by your spouse or maybe you are just unhappy in general, or you are unhapy because you have your eye on someone new.

I think you owe it to your wife & family to at least try to work things out after so many years. Marriage counseling might really make the difference. Throwing away 39 years of marriage doesn't seem logical unless you have truely exhausted all possible options and efforts to make things work.

JustMyOpinion

Can you afford to live on your own? If so, then yes. If you aren't happy, you should get divorced. 64 isn't so old anymore, and you've got a lot of life left.

wendy G

RUN !!!!! You only get ONE life!!!! Do you think you will be happier NEXT time??? There is NO NEXT time!!!!
Try separation maybe first.
This is not a rehersal. After your dead...........

wizjp

It doesn't seem to be; but only you know if the life you have now is better or worse than what life on your own with all the baggage and problems of divorce could be.

Javier W

you have to make ur self happy

Colleen O

Your life is what YOU make it, if you're not happy and you know that ending your marriage is a step towards happiness then what are you waiting for?

Sugar

Somethings must have been going on for a while. Remember at this age you no doubt know all there is to know about your partner. Ask your self " Do I want to start over at this point in my life?" You'll probably go right back If you left after all those years.

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