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arklatexrat
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Ideally, you shouldn't have kept this info from him. The bigger question is why you thought you needed to do it secretly. There must be bigger issues between you about the way $$ is spent that you determined to do it without telling him. If you want to make the marriage work, it's time for you and him to talk through how you handle $ together and set up a budget or spending plan that you both know all about and and that you can agree on. I strongly recommend resources from Dave Ramsey on family finances. I'm including a link to his website below.
That said, your husband is definitely overreacting. If your description of the problem is complete and accurate, you were doing what you did for the good of the family and not for selfish motives. I hate to even bring this up, but do you think he is so sensitive about it because he is also keeping things from you & wanting to find fault with you to make himself feel better? When my now ex-husband left me to pursue an adulterous affair, he spent a huge amount of anger and energy trying to catch me doing anything wrong (and falsely accused me of all kinds of things) in order to try and make himself feel better, as well as to try to find some ammunition to lob back at me in court if the divorce proceedings turned ugly.) I don't want to scare you, but if he is bringing up trust issues with you, that may mean he has something to hide.
It will be in the best interest of both of you and the precious kids to work on your marriage--apologize for keeping things from him and offer to go with him to counseling (financial and/or emotional) to learn how to have a more open, honest relationship.
Do you have a religious faith? If so, pray and look there for strength and guidance.
I wish you the best, and hope you are able to work things out. |
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wizjp
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If says he's leaving over that, there is something else going on. I'd suggest a therapist for trust issues. |
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55 and trying
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Only if he is a control freak and then you would be better off without him anyway. |
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Greywolf
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What you are doing is a good thing. I believe all women (and men) should have stashes of money for emergencies. I've got one myself should I ever need it for health emergencies, unexpected school expenses, lost jobs, even broken marriages. If I make it for a certain number of years without dipping into it I plan on using it to take a vacation with my husband.
Your hubby sounds controling and suspicious. I would pay close attention to him. The loudest to argue something is usually guilty of the same. (put the finger on you so you won't look on him.) |
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jackie m
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There must be problems elsewhere in the marriage - this would not really annoy him - you should have said 'I told you ages ago about it, you just were not listening. |
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Ci Ci
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Seems too small of an issue for him to be calling divorce. Usually when men whine over the small things...they are hiding something that is way bigger. And to avoid getting in trouble about it, they use the woman's small problem and start up a fight and put the blame all on you. I've seen this happen many of times in my marriage and through counseling, our counselor brought it up as well.
Please check into what HE is doing on the side! |
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*Charli* Mamma Di Gemini's
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I do the same thing. Andrew (my partner) found out about it about 5 months ago and went crazy! He thought I was saving to leave him.
I explained to him after a few days (he was really mad!) that I need the money there incase of an emergency. Plus i was a great way for me to buy the kids Christmas presents, instead of standing in the lay-by line for 3 hours.
Wait for him to settle down and explain to him. He will understand, he probably thinks like my Andrew, that you was going to leave him.
Hope it all works out
Hugs & Kisses |
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oracleofohio
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First, you lied by omission. Second, him wanting to divorce you over saving for special expenses is silly. We have four kids and I put money back like you do, I also let my husband know how much is in there. I take care of our finances but I keep him apprised of all that I do. We sit down together every few months and talk about budgets and goals. This is about communication and working together. I think your husband might be looking for an excuse to divorce and is using this, talk to him about whats going on. |
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sparkle_sticks_101
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He's just mad because he doesn't have total control over your money. I would tell him that you deserve some space and money. It's an EMERGENCY account. But next time don't hide it from him. |
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emiliosailez
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To me it would not, but who knows where he is coming from? You should know best. |
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Bunts
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Show him this!!!!!!
I have been married 3 times.
Each wife kept a secret account. There are times when a wife needs money that she does not want to ask her husband
for.
And if he was a proper husband, then you would not need to
have a secret account.
And I agree entirely with you. You have not lied. You just did
not tell him. That is entirely different.
This is not grounds for a divorce. And if that's all he needs to
seek one, then you and he are on dodgy ground.
But good luck anyway. |
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mrliteman001
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No it is not. He just feels insecure and a touch jealous. I would sit down with him and tell him you plan to continue to do so, but he can ask anytime what you have. However it is not another slush fund. It is a stash for the things you have mentioned. I think that is great. Good Job Keep it up. Congratulations on the new baby....Good Luck Ken |
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danili
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I'd be more worried about why he was so quick to throw divorce out there than why he's mad about some extra money. I see nothing wrong with a married couple haveing completely seperate bank accounts. Nothing in this world is forever anymore and we all need that added sense of security. I'd try to talk to him when he's a little calmer and not so irate. Explain why you did it and what you've used it for. If he can't accept a wife who thinks ahead and plans well, then maybe you're not the one who should be worried about divorce. |
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Bethany I
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Get a copy of all the checks you wrote from this account and throw it into his controlling face, then pack a bag for the weekend (take the baby). (Let him know where you ll be but don't answer his calls unless they are to beg for your forgiveness.) Come back on Monday and ask if he still thinks he wants a divorce. If you don't stand up to him now he will continue his immature manipulating ways. Set him straight NOW!
PS:make sure he knows you expect total honesty of every little thing he does if he expects that from you. |
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dreamweaver
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He is being unreasonable we all have our own accounts and my husband doesn't act this way and this is no reason for a divorce |
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Al B
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It would have been better perhaps if you had told him but even there it depends upon how he acts with the money you do not put in the bank, whether he is cautious, or wasteful with it.
you need a family budget that you plan together because if he had any sense of money at all he would have wondered where the money came from for the birthday parties and his clothes. It sounds like he may be a bit of a control freak and the fact that you had the money and he didn't control it upset him.
suggest a family budget where you both decide how money is going to be spent or not spent and if he doesn't agree to that and still wants a divorce, you may be better off without his control over you. good luck to you. |
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hannahbean
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This response seems very extreme considering your intentions were well meant. |
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2Beagles
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My husband had an account just for him that I found out. He wanted his own spending money, but then I also found out he had a spending problem and racked up over $30,000 in bills. Buying everything on American Express, then forgetting to set money aside to pay the bill, so he'd take out a loan to pay AE. I pulled his credit report and saw he took out about 10 small loans through one of our banks and was using the other account to pay back the loan. I brought him back to reality and have paid off about 6 of his bills in the last year alone due to me cashing in my 401K after I stopped working and by using our income tax return to pay off more bills. He now sees his mistakes and we hope to have two more bills paid off with this year's return. But if all you did was use the money for kids clothes and nothing secretive like my husband, then I think your husband is somewhat of a control freak. I'm guessing that your husband doesn't 'give' you money for things to buy. He has to have the last word on all of the spending. Is this what you want in a marriage? My husband really hurt me with what he did because it really set us back financially, but after I got over the anger, I set out to repair what he did. If your husband does have a control problem, then you need to sit down and really think about whether or not this is someone you want to spend your life with. A marriage is suppose to be 50/50 and I have a feeling yours isn't this way. Give him time to cool down and then ask him to sit down and talk. I wish you luck. |
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Stuey
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Im not sure if it is grounds for divorce but I can see the issue he has with this. You need to look at it from his perspective. It looks as if, you are "hiding" money from him. This is especially bad because that looks like you think your relationship will not work.
The only advice I can give is, do not defend why you did it and what you used it for and just tell him you understand why he is upset and that you made a mistake. Show him that you have remorse and that it will not happen again. I am sure he is stressing about the situation as much as you are. |
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Rein
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If he is that mad, you might want to go buy some new clothes to look nice for him....I think it would be crazy to divorce over that....my Daddy told me to do the same thing...a secret account...I don't have one, but it probably is a smart thing to do. |
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will_955
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Unfortunately, you married a control freak.
The seperate account was a great idea I wonder what is the real cause of his problem.
Try to sit down and talk to him about it, if he wants a divorce then he will lose even more money abnd then I wonder how he will feel.
Does His mom live close by, maybe you can send him ther3 so she can take care of her baby. |
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kitkat
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This is not the reason he is threatening divorce, something else is bothering him and he is using this to say he wants one. You need to set him down and talk so you can find out the real reason. And I'm sorry, when you keep something from your spouse, no matter how innocent, it is a form of lieing. |
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bssd12000
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That's kind of an over reaction. First of all it is important that if you have a secret bank account as you know for him not to find out. Second there may be another reason or added reasons for him to suddenly say something like this. Does he do that often? Jump to conclusions? Is he very controlling? Didn't he wonder where the money was going? I mean he probably saw your check stubs right? Another question is why did you feel the need to have this secret bank account? Is he not willing to have some money set aside for emergencies? Or Does he spend it all? You paid bills, what is wrong with paying bills? He needed clothes what is wrong with getting him what he needs? If he or you cannot answer these appropriately then there must be something else going on. It would be good for you to dig. I am not saying he is cheating or anything( I hope not) but he may be too controlling and you will have to work around this and help him deal with the fact that you have a seperate account or he may be too insecure. In that case you can assure him you are not leaving or anything just making sure you all have what you need and want. As far as divorce goes usually it is till death do us part unless someone cheats or gets beat up. Hiding something is not always so good but this was not lying. Did he ever ask you if you had a seperate account and you said no? Or just ignored the question then it would be a lie or a lie by omission. But from what you said it was not.
Try to find out really what is going on. Then if he does not want a divorce try to work out a good arrangement for the money while keeping your account. And next time. Have the bank statement go to someone you trust not your house. |
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CountTheDays
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No this is not cause for a divorce. Every woman is advised to keep a little money in an account independent of the family account. Your husband is being reactionary and bullying - good reasons for having the account in the first place. Marriage does not require you to reveal all of your personal things - you have a human right to privacy too! Stand your ground and refuse to be coerced into giving up the account or making its contents public. |
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Quasimodo
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One...should have told him about the account however its not of any consequence that merits divorce.
He's being a moron. If after all this time one incident (that really is a non-incident) causes him to not trust you, give him doubts about the marriage and notice the key word he uses.."MAY want a divorce"...then you're married to a child.
just for laughs....tell him "Oh yeah...you have no balls. Go ahead and file". Know what? He'll be pissed off royally but he won't. Its a bullying tactic. A way to wield control over you. And honestly...think a judge would even hear a case with a reasoning for divorce as lame as opening a seperate bank account that shows no activity other than deposits?
Tell hubby that when he files...be prepared to be raped because you're going to take the house, half his pension (if he has one) and he'll be paying child support with annual increases for a long, long time. He won't file. Watch how he backpeddles on this one if you throw down the gaunlet. |
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Nirmalan
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No. It shows cause for a long spell of therapy - the sooner the better. |
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roadrunner426440
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you were really really stupid and he overreacted
You knew what his reaction would have been and did it anyway
how would you react if he hid money from you?
Say bye-bye |
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arkiegirl
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I don't think it's ever a good idea to keep things from your spouse. I can understand why you made the account, but I also think he had every right to know about it.
That being said, I don't think it's even almost a reason to get divorced. Sure, he's feeling lied to.. but it's not something that can't be worked through. Just give him some time, and try your best to explain why you did it. And next time you think about doing somethng like that.. talk with your husband about it first. In a marriage, there has to be communication and trust.
Just talk to him. If you truly love each other, you should be able to work through this. |
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Truth Hurts, Get over It
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Perhaps he wanted a divorce, and this gave him a reason to blame it on you?
Cause otherwise, this should of just sparked an arguement, not a divorce discussion. I don't find anything deceiving about his this account. |
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