I have been with my wife for almost 11 years and it is wearing on me.?

T B

My friend I am so sorry for what you are going through...You remind me of my brother in many ways. He's been married for 22 years and out of that he as been with his wife for about 2 years of the whole marriage. He lives alone and visits his children who are (20 and 15 years old) He told me he is much happier living by himself than he was with her...He said to me some people sometimes change...he did he said he got more mature than her and started getting interested in things she was not into like Art and his culture...I don't know if that had something to do with it....But he also said for him it was better for him to see his kids on the weekends than to live with someone who had nothing in common with him and it just made everyone miserable...I think if you want this marriage to work maybe you should check out counseling....but it has to be something you both want...Its not going to work with just one person going!...I wish you the best and hope you can continue to do what is right for you. When you get married you take the good with the bad...but if only one person is willing for it to work than it wont....takes two together to get pass whatever it is that is keeping you both apart....Much love my friend to you and family

i8pikachu

:Standing Applause: Thank you for not leaving your kids because you're not happy. Many people here think life is all about our own happiness but when we have children, we no longer come first. No child ever says "I wish my parents divorced and I didn't get to see one of them except in the summer or on weekends." Children want both parents at home, even if they're not happy with each other. You have to make it look like you're happy though because it's no longer about you. When the last one turns 18 and if this doesn't work out, you can pack your bags.

But you can probably make this work. Rebuild the trust. Our actions can create feelings. You two talk about gossip and television so you obviously get along. You're missing the intimacy. When she least expects it, such as when she's watching television or something, go over to her and kiss her on the cheek or nibble her ear. Tell her how beautiful she looks. Compliment her on how good of a mother she is. Tell her how you love the way she smells when she wears a certain perfume. Flirt with her like you did when you were her boyfriend. Why did you stop doing this? Do these actions even if it kills you. You will find that you begin to change and she will begin to change. It could take a while but once you get back in bed, don't leave it nor stop doing these actions. Get creative and good luck!

Ryan

Have you guys tried counseling yet? It is really the only alternative I can see. You are miserable and I am willing to bet your kids and wife are miserable with the situation also.

JellybeanLOVER

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. It sounds like an awful situation to be in. Maybe some couples counselling could help your relationship.

Good luck!

Carlie M

I'm not married but maybe counseling would be a good bet

yoadriannejohnson

find a marriage counselor.

hlnlange

You pretty much answered your own question.

You are not happy - you are certain that you can be happier with someone else but you don't want to leave your kids - so your going to stay.

That just doesn't make sense. Why on earth would you choose to be unhappy for the next 15 years. Your children are happy when you are happy. Look after yourself first and then you will be able to give your children all the happiness they could ask for.

Staying in a loveless marriage "for the children" is NEVER a good idea.

Star

I understand not wanting to leave your kids SAM, but what are your kids learning from watching you and your wife. It is important for children to be in a LOVING home and be able to see what Marriage is all about. How about getting a divorce and finding your own place and getting Joint custody. That's where you share them 50/50 Half the week you have them and half the week she has them. Then you have the kids still and then half the week can be with them and half the week can be spent with a special someone. Sounds like you and your spouse would be happier. I bet the kids would be too. Maybe not at first but in the long run they would be. Because this relationship like it is now is only going to get worse and more painful.

Anya D

you're completely contradicting yourself. first you say you're not happy at all and cant connect with her. then you say tell me how to make this work. you cant have it both ways...and you're right that you dont want your kids to think this is what love/marriage is. you need to move on. for your sake and hers and the kids. they know that there are problems and they know that there's no real intimacy. you're right that they are going to think this is what life is if you dont show them better.

also-- leaving your marriage is not the same as leaving your kids. you'll always be there for them.

Liz O

Seriously, you are not doing your children any favors by staying in an unhappy relationship. If I were you I'd talk to your wife and explain to her how you're feeling. From what you've said, it sounds like she feels the same as you. Make an agreement of joint custody and get a place very close to her house so your children can have easy access to you and your place. You'd both be better off being the best parents you can be and that will only happen when you are both living happily. (I've lived in an unhappy marriage for exactly the same reason and my children are now grown. They have now told me how unhappy they were although we didn't argue in front of them, they could feel the tension and therefore weren't happy either. They said that divorcing was the best thing that I did for them. That was hard for them to admit, but in the end, that's what they both agreed on. I'm now remarried and have been with my husband for 13 years now....and I am happy.) Good luck. I hope this helps you.

A guy

You aren't doing your kids any favors by staying in an unhappy marriage. Sure, no kid ever wants their parents to be divorced, but having 2 parents that don't show each other love is no better. My parents were (and still are) the way you describe your own marriage when I was a teen. They sleep in separate rooms... They never talk... They have very little to do with each other... In hindsight, I would rather see my parents remarried into happy loving relationships rather than staying together unhappily for my siblings and I (my siblings are still teens... I'm 28). Kids aren't as naive as you think...

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