I haven't loved my husband for sometime. I've told him. Can he change?

fat tart

Get on with your life, it's too short to waste with the wrong person.

Lorraine_us

I would try going to a marriage counselor.

sheloves_dablues

Why are you asking if he can change? Why does he need to? It sounds as though you have changed - into someone who doesn't love him anymore. Get out of the house and live your life so that he can live his. Sleeping in the spare room isn't going to bring you back together. You either want to make it work with him or you don't.

jamie_0778

i'm in the exact same situation...my problem is ... i'm a stay at home mom of 3 kids and my options are...get a job and move out and give up being home with the kids full time or else tough it out with him and be with the kids. i feel like i'm screwed either way..so for a long time i've stayed just for the kids. but...i'm absolutly miserable in my marriage and at this point it will take a miracle to change that. so...now after i vented (thanks for listening lol) i have to ask you...what are you scared of? money?? being alone?? you could always try a "seperation" and see how it goes. then there is always the option of coming back.

nailgal2005

There are many times in marriage when we fall in and out of love with our spouses. Could this be one of those times?
Unfortunately, by moving into the spare room and "adoring"someone else, you have guaranteed that you will be able to fall back in love with him.
Going outside of your marriage NEVER works, even if it's just emotional feelings for someone else. You can't love two men at the same time so you are unable to fall back into love with your husband.
You have to decide, do you want to save your marriage or not. If you do, move back into the bedroom and give up your infatuation for this other man.
Then focus on the reasons you married him in the first place, the good things about him and the nice things he does.
You can only work on changing yourself for the better, your husband has to decide and be willing to change his behavior, but why would he change for a woman who has left him physically and emotionally?

weeze

I was 34 with 2 young children, my husband never liked me going out, i couldn't wear make up. Every weekend he went climbing with his mates. I was terrified about being on my own with young kids, but on our 5th wedding anniversary things really blew up. I spoke to my parents (almost for their approval) as i needed to be free of him!!! He took a job in Inverness & left Boxing Day (our sons 2nd birthday) & expected me to join him. I was always adament I wouldn't leave my home town (Portsmouth). When he rang to say he'd be home (5 days after leaving) I told him this was no longer his home & to find somewhere esle to live. Its the best thing I ever did & 10 years later have never looked back. I'm independent & have a very supportive network of family & friends.......... Be brave & go for it!!!

boo

I'm so sorry that this man has made you feel so worthless, you deserve more, He is wrong about 4 people being unhappy if you leave 4 people are already unhappy you children feel what you feel they don't want to see you unhappy and yes the probably don't want you to leave there dad either but in the long run it is better that your happy then the children will be happy I wish you the very best of luck.

luvlisteningtomusic

You both are already acting like roomates instead of a married couple. Try councelling and see if that works before you jump in the arms of another man. If he refuses councelling then start the divorce proceedings and then move on with your life.

alina

i totally know what you mean. if your husbsand changed do you think you would love him again? if not then maybe its time to move on i would but i'm stuck like so many other women in our situation. good luck with your decision just remmber the most important thing is your happiness.

Ghanaian Princess

the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence

Daytripper

Hi there; Sounds like it's time to move on...don't be scared...I'm sure everything will work out for you...take a bit of time to plan how you are going to do this...once you have a good plan...go for It...once your on your own you'll be able to get in contact this this person that you really adore...affairs are not a good thing...good for you for holding back...once again if you really don't fancy your husband it's time to MOVE ON...Good Luck to you
Sea ya
Daytripper

lovingcuz

It's been my experience to see that men hardly ever change. If he has let you stay in the spare bedroom for any lenth of time, he isn't interested in changing anything to make your marriage better.
I would consider a devorce because life is way to short not to change what's making you unhappy. Go for it, I say.

jennifer f

dont stay in this marriage. by saying that if you leave you will hurt 4 people but staying you only hurt one is like he is mentally hurting you. it also shows that he doesnt care about your feelings if he would much rather you be the unhappy one. i reckon the only reason he wants you to stay is probably because he has it too good with you around and he feels that he can have a hold over you by saying things to make you doubt yourself and your decisions.
become and stay strong. after all this time in an unhappy therefore unhealthy marriage you have not only made yourself unhappy but you are living a lie.
dont be afraid to move on. i know that it can be a big scary step but it sounds like it is one that you need to make.
as for the children, when you have made the decision to move on sit them down and explain what is happening and why. they will be upset at first and may even blame you especially if their father is manipulative with them, but i am sure that if you explain you have always and will always love them this should hopefully ease the pain somewhat. children are quite resilient at bouncing back if they are allowed to in there own time.
hopefully they are old enough to understand.
as for this other person that you adore, does he feel the same way? if so then go for it after you have filed for divorce. your happiness is important and you should never sacrifice it for someone else.
hope this advice has helped.
this is just how i would deal with the situation. if you are not sure see if there is any marital advice centres near where you live where you can talk to someone confidentially about the matter.

princess

You already know what you want, he probably didn't do his bit as a husband and a lover, if that's the case then you deserve better. I reckon just leave him, you deserve to be happy and if you have kids then think about them too. They don't deserve to be in the middle of this.

Either you could try by seeing a counsellor or if your certain then don't be scared leave and be happy, us women are surprisingly stronger than we think. Once you move ull soon adjust to the style of living you chose.

Look after yourself and good luck xx

srracvuee

why dont you leave despite being scared its your life you have to think of and once away file for divorce and your new friend will care for you

my precious

I really think you should try counselling as it may help. However, I don't think you should ever expect someone will change their personality, even after talking this through.

I really believe in marriage but not at the expense of your self respect, especially if you say he's a bully. What message does this send to your kids?

PLEASE don't leave the marriage because you think you like someone else. If you need to leave for your own reasons, give yourself time to get your head sorted before jumping into something new.

And make sure that your kids know it was a problem between you and your husband should the worst come to the worst. Good luck.

reasonz

ITs not fair when husbands behave this way!!...i dont think its easy for him to change..and what really is sad is that you guys have kids n the family is as fake as any fake thing..do u honestly think right now the one person that is hurting is YOU? one??...i dont think so..kids are very sensitive..we assume that they do not know..or they r too young to care..but..a family where parents are as distant as you guys are..i bet the kids must be hurting too..and then when he is not around when u need him..that is AWFUL..but saying all this..its very easy to say pack up and leave.But really have u tired EVERYthing? do u think in ur heart u could not love him again?..usually people in relationships start to take each other for granted..if u r not happy then leave..but think of the step u will be taking as it may not be so easy...and if u would be taking this step to go to the other man..THAT would be wrong...cause right now u should be concentrating on making it work..rather then what affair u r scared to have..Your husband may not change...or may change but how much are u willing to give in n how much have both u given to stay in this marraige n make it work?..give it everything u have n if it doenst work out even then...move out!!

sdrlover2002

find another place to live and divorce him, you'll never feel right unless you leave and move on

terihart_46

if you dont love him then go your kids will hurt more you being unhappy and you arguing all the time the kids will adapt to you not being together it will take time but they will see that its for the best your husband should put you first all the time he is selfish he does not want to be on his own he doesnt love you if he treats you like this but you need to make a clean start for yourself good luck

zeroambition

Try this question instead. Does your husband deserve to be with a woman who is only there because she's too chicken to leave? You don't love him. Fine. You can still show him some respect by getting out. Maybe he adores someone else too, it's not just about you.

Cliffy

Staying with someone because of the kids is not the answer but a poor excuse. They are not stupid and will see if you are unhappy, especially if your husband is a bully (verbal or otherwise). Decide what it is you want. Only when you have done that can you make the right decision. You will not hurt your children by leaving your husband if it is the right thing for you. Even if they are shocked, they will get over it. They are pretty resilient. They may resent you for a while but will learn that what is right for you is ultimately right for them. Good luck.

pepsco63

Reconnecting With Your PartnerTo rescue your relationship â€” with your partner and with yourself â€” follow Dr. Phil's 10-step strategy.

STEP 1: Open the reconnection dialogue.
Use your knowledge and powers of persuasion to encourage your partner into a constructive position. Prepare an opening statement for your partner. In your opening statement, be sure to address your partner's fears and points of resistance, but also make clear that there are immediate and meaningful benefits for your partner. If your partner can see what's in it for him/her, resistance will be at a minimum. Assuming that your partner is at least willing to sit still while you share some of your relationship thinking, then move on to Step 2.

STEP 2: Describe the work you have been doing.
Let your partner know that you have been reading up on improving your relationship. The key here is to come off casually. Do not sound condescending or arrogant about the subject. Reassure your partner that you don't believe you're a relationship expert, but that you've learned and are continuing to learn important elements to constantly improve a relationship. When you sense your partner is ready, move forward to

Step 3.

STEP 3: Describe your efforts to get back to your core of consciousness.
Get more specific about your new knowledge. Describe the concept of getting to know your core consciousness. Explain the idea that our own self-worth, self-esteem, and dignity lie within each of us. Be sure to emphasize that finding your core consciousness has made you feel better about you, and as a result, about your partner. And that if your partner exercises this same concept, you can be an unstoppable team. Encourage your partner to ask questions and to start discussions.

STEP 4: Talk about the Ten Relationship Myths.
Let your partner know that it is no wonder the relationship has gone downhill â€” you've both been exposed to wrong thinking! The myths are usually good stimuli for discussions. Go through them for as long as your partner seems willing to stay attentive.

STEP 5: Explain the Bad Spirit.
Let your partner know that you have taken a very self-critical look at the spirit with which you have approached and functioned within this relationship. You've confronted your bad spirits, and in turn started to transform your life. Give a specific example of when you've allowed one of your bad spirits to dominate you. Discuss as many bad spirits as you like and that your partner can handle. Remember to focus on you.

STEP 6: Introduce the Personal Relationship Values.
Spend extra time on this step. Discuss these values as goals to strive for in your relationship. Reminiscing here can be useful. If you can reconnect with memories of the times of good friendship, it can create positive momentum. As you progress through the Personal Relationship Values, find as many specific examples as possible. If you feel you're ready to move forward, go on to Step 7. If you or your partner feel drained, take a break. It may take hours, days, or several weeks to ultimately get through all of these steps.

STEP 7: Share the Formula for Success in a Relationship.
At this point, you should have the formula memorized, so you can look your partner in the eyes and say it. "The quality of the relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved." Refer to both of your needs when you are discussing your relationship.

STEP 8: Share your Partner Profile.
You are now at an extremely critical part of the reconnecting process. Be careful and unthreatening as you share your thoughts about your partner to your partner. Present them in a validating and gentle way. Be sure to focus on your partner's accomplishments. Be sensitive, and move through this step patiently and delicately.

STEP 9: Clarify your partner's needs.
Be honest but diplomatic in communicating what you think are your partner's needs. Remember to characterize them in an uncritical way. Step 9 allows you to get heartfelt responses from your partner about your reconnection approach. Explain to your partner that the needs you've discerned are merely a starting place for further discussions. Allow your partner to disagree and replace your interpretation of a need with one of his/her own. Stay patient. Don't forget that because you've been doing most of the work, you are probably way ahead of your partner in evolution of your thinking about your relationship.

STEP 10: Sharing your own Personal Profile.
This final step is all about you. You are now taking a giant risk by sharing your deepest, innermost needs and fears. Have the courage to name it so you have the opportunity to claim it. Tell your partner what you need.

CARL P

i think if you work it out together you both have to try,it cant be one sided you both have to work at it

doda

Dear Sweetjack, you are bored, but you must have fancied him when you married him. This happenss in relationships, all the time ,but if you have moved into the spare room, then there is a problem. Is he bored too ?. you now have to consider the life you had when single. Is this what you wish to go back to. Do you have children, what would a separation do to their prospects and happiness?. And is it worth all the upheaval at the end of the day. The somebody you adore was a prospective husband to you once, you married him. Decent men are difficult to find, any girl will tell you that, also I think if you are wise you will not give a good husband to somebody else. Have your little fantasies, and crawl back to his bed, before somebody else does.

gorgeousfluffpot

What's changed between you? There was something that made you want to marry this man and it's probably still there, but it's been buried under responsibility and work and also familiarity, you probably think there's nothing left to discover about him.
You say you adore someone else but, before you act on this, have a long hard think. The 'spark' that excites you is pure chemical lust, we all get it at the start of a relationship - it's nature's way of getting us to produce babies and keep the population going. This excitement naturally calms down over time - I doubt you would find anyone who's been married for ten years who is still having a pounding heart and stars in their eyes for their spouse. And we've probably all been down the road of feeling familiar with our spouse and wondering if the love has died? It probably hasn't, it just mellows and changes.
I'm not advocating you stay married, but I think the change has to come from within you. You can chase the spark of new romance forever, but you'll be changing partners often just to find that feeling then there'll come a time when you're on your own.
Try to remember what it was that you married your husband for, and take a good long look to see if its' still there. Chances are that your husband wants you to change as well.

He can change, but you can't change him. My gut feeling here is that you have some real pain issues that have driven a wedge between you for this lifetime, and so it is best to move on. The children need to see real joy and happiness, and i bet they don't see any of that now. Do not allow fear to govern your actions. The price is just too high. Also be careful of this "someone else," while you are going through a big mental and emotional change, because you are vulnerable, and it is easy to make a mistake by not seeing clearly.

Jamie B

Whether you leave or stay don't jump into something with this other friend. You could be going from bad to worse, remember things were "good" in the beginning of this relationship with your husband too and look how it turned out. If it's something you don't want to save then talk to a divorce attorney. If it's something that you both are willing to work on then try counseling. Lastly, change your thinking of "can he change?" You can only control you, you have NO control over another person and their behavior or decisions.

lsp

your not helping the kids by staying im sure they sense things are wrong and are stressed by it.leave with the kids let your husband bully someone else around. i stayed in a situation like that for 7 years and i wasted a lot of my life. i regret not leaving way way earliar.

carsha1uk

please leave, yes you might hurt people but they will get over it, I'd rather my parents have split and be happy then stay and be miserable, it'll take time but everyone will come round

johnadams48@btinternet.com

All the advice and suggestions we offer you will either be considered or ignored by you! You know what you really want to do. If you genuinely feel mistreated and aggrieved by what,s gone on in the past, and indeed from what you say will continue in the future, get out of it. Why ruin life?

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