I need help. I need to know if I should stay or leave. Please, I am so sad, but cant make up my mind.?

Proud to be 51

He's beat you down with his negative words. I know you don't want to hurt him, you have a co-dependent relationship now that he's beat the life out of you verbally. However, you need to get out now and do something positive to bring your spirit back.

Everyone is worthy of love and you are no exception. You can find someone who will treat you right, really, you can. Spend a lot of time with your friends and get yourself back on your feet. There is a whole wonderful world waiting for YOU!

Get out there and LIVE... good luck!

Monty R

Honestly I say leave. Your husband should love and desire you and if you aren't what he desires it's time to leave.

motherofthree

You can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. You need to do what is going to make you happy. You are worthy of love and deserve it. Don't spend your life staying with someone out of a warped sense of guilt.

Good luck.

Phoebe Finch

Try this...see if it works....Read your question over only pretend it is one of your friends writing it to you. What would you tell them to do?? Would you encourage a friend to stay in a relationship that makes her feel dead inside with a man who does not desire her?? I don't thing you would.

Autumn S

You are worthy of love, and so is he.

Counseling is your answer.

You have to ensure you do all you can to save this marriage so you're able to live with yourself regardless of the outcome.

jessica h

you are worth more as a person , please leave him. You are a person not an animal you dont deserve to be treat like this. I know you have gone through so many emotions and ups and downs but please for the sake of God please leave. You are worth more than this , you can do 100 percent better. You have to be strong. DO IT FOR YOURSELF!!!!!

sundaygirlsss

talk to him, if hes not willing to change then hes not trying to put on a big show and actually doesnt love you. gl :).

DK Julie

What you can do is tell him you're going to stay with friends/relatives until he gets some help. Give him your cell number and let him know you are there for him, he can call you and talk to you any time, but you're not coming back until he seeks treatment for his problem. And then you need to stick to it.

Precious

you need to do what makes YOU happy, not someone else. You have done everything in your power, so you say, and he still isnt happy and neither are you. You need to move on and count your blessings.

ramni222

if you are afraid, he is mentally ill, you need to go with your gut and leave.

get out before he hurts.

geminijeanna

Leave him and move on. You deserve to be happy. It is your job to make youself happy not him. Cheating is wrong. Treatly you poorly is wrong and there is no excuse for that.

TeggieMcG

I don't even have to think about it... If you are that miserable and he clearly tells you that he doesn't "desire" you, then you need to leave. You can't stay because you think he needs you! You don't deserve to be so miserable... he needs to work out his stuff and he probably won't ever do that if you are there taking care of him. You can find someone better! I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will. You have to try and get past this... you are worthy and I know you are scared, but you need to be strong and let him be miserable and sick by himself. You can't fix him.

Marivic0603

it's obvious your man is a classic manipulator sweetheart so have pity on yourself.why stay in a relationship that makes you feel like you're some kind of an object or even a toy,being picked up when needed,hurled all over the place when he wants to feel better about himself & dumped & stumped upon when he's through with you??are you still waiting for the time when he'll literally throw you out of his sight & his life for good?leave while theres still enough self respect within you.it may hurt considering that,as you say you love him & you may also feel guilty coz you seem to believe he needs you.nahh,he do need you,,,,,need you to please & boost his m********ing ego!!! 2 personalities??my foot!! its another button that he uses to make you follow his every whim & go on making him feel good about himself at your expense.telling you blatantly that he didn't desire you & fooling around while youre married & telling you lies about it being ok should had sent danger signs to you about the way he treats you lovey.

ill say it now & ill say it again as im convinced this IS the right thing for you to do to gain back your FULL self-respect & value as a woman:GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!you deserve to be loved & you ARE worthy of it.

Jess F

Boy it sounds like you have a hell of a time in your marriage. My advice to you is get out of there fast, and don't look back. It might seem lilke the end of the world, but you will be happy when you do leave him, you will be able to breath better, and start to take care of yourself, pamper yourself you deserve it. You will find someone that loves you and cherrish you, you deserve that, everyone does.

whateverbbl

sweetie if your not happy neither of you will ever be happy. You cant change someone or make them do anything. They either respect and trust you and appreciate you and meet you way more than 50/50 cause we all have our bad days and that is when the other person has to put in more but make your self happy cause life is way too short and tust me there are people out there looking for the same thing you want

Angel_Daisy

You are putting up with abuse and although you don't want to hurt him it is giving him chance all the time to keep on hurting you. You will not be able to cope with this it will take it's toll on you.

Love is tough, take some time out for yourself. If you don't change the situation he will continue to hurt you. It is guilt you are feeling about his mental condition. Just because you have a mental illness doesn't mean you don't know what you are doing. I know this because I have mental health problems. You can still make the right choice.

Choose to look after yourself for a while, I'm not saying part for ever but he cannot continue to abuse you like this, for it is abuse that you are suffering.

Here is a forum for abused people, both men and women. Take a look and ask for some support. I hope it helps. I've been where you have been and the guy nearly killed me, it isn't love what he is doing to you it is power over you.

Look after yourself. e-mail if you want to.

dear_vern

Your answer lies in your own writing. If you were to look at that letter from a friend how would you answer? If you are not what he desires, cheating is what men do, and he makes you feel that way, plus he calls you names, why would you want to stay? You don't want to hurt him? What about you? Are you not being hurt? Are you not worth living a good life? Do you know that men who start name calling eventually become physically abusive. Apparently, he does not care about you, nor does he respect you. Thank God there are no children involved. What is the reason you want to stay? Financially? That will change, over time you will get less from him, then he will talk about your friends, then comes the guilt and eventually he will control your every move, want to know where you are going, have been and with whom, etc. Don't wait until he has taken all of life out of you. If it's money you are worried about then get some help from your family. You want to be loved? Well, leaving him means to be without love for awhile, staying with him means to be without love forever. At least if you leave him you will have a chance.

firebabe208

Your question brings back bad memories for me. I had a husband like that. JUST LIKE THAT. I stayed for almost 10 years being put down and made to feel like I wasnt worth the air I had to breathe. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do. You are supposed to stay married, right? WRONG! I filed for divorce and he, of course begged me to stay. Then when he saw I was going through with it, he got mad. It only got worse. People like my ex and your husband can only help themselves. You cant change them. My advice to you is get a divorce, find out who you are again, and make a happy, satisfying life for yourself. I did, I have a great husband, 4 beautiful kids, and I am loved and feel like the queen of the world everyday. Just look to God, and friends and family for support. It will be hard but you are strong and you can do it. Make a better life for yourself, you are worth being happy :)

Kat

when you are as you sound to me. your to the point where your left empty inside. you lose yourself because of the verbal abuse. i say if it was me i would get out and make yourself happy and meet someone that will treat you like you should be treated. if hes already broken your spirit and worn you down its time to take a look at where you are in life and do you want to live that that for many years to come. its always scary to leave someone.. sometimes they need that boot in the *** to make them realize what they had and lost. you can get counseling if even just for you to learn how to be stronger again. i wish you will and good luck

lana1meyer

I'd say you need to walk. I understand that you Love him, but Love isn't everything.
Plus where you have depression I can tell you from experience that the name calling and being told that your not a good wife will be things you'll remember for a long time.
As for you going to counseling for the depression is smart.
As for men cheating on their wifes. Not all of them do it. So he can't say that its something that men do. Give yourself time. You'll find someone who will Love and care about you like you want and need. I did.
It'll be hard being on your own but you can do it. I'm sure you have family and friends that will help you.
Plus, as for not wanting to hurt him. Don't worry about him. Worry about the hurt he's putting you through!

fishbone

Leave him and make yourself happy. You can find love some where else

Buttterfly123

You should leave him, he does not deserve you.
Why? (other than you love him) would you want to stay with someone like that. He makes you feel like poop
Especially... If you have no kids...Do it.
You will find that special person you deserve...ask God for that special person and ask him for direction.Good Luck!!!
He will follow through be patient and watch what happens.
Good Luck!!!

joey beauty

want a sincere advise? i think you should run while your legs can still carry you! i understand your dilemma but you should know that life is short and you live it once! you've said that this is just a tip off the ice berge, but the little i read is heart breaking enough! he has thrown it into your face severally that he doesnt desire you, coupled with the fact that madness runs in his family, dont you think he could wake up one day and kill or maim you? God made everybody beautiful so how can someone make you feel like a nobody? i believe someone out there is waiting to show you just how special and beautiful you are! ofcourse u're worthy to be loved! everyone is! so you don't need to be with someone that makes you cry always cos he'll end up killing the angel that u're inside. Give him the shocker sweet heart and see what happens. hope you know that depression can lead to alot of things including madness. please please please, get wise about this, i know you love him but if you end up dying for him, he'll move on and forget you existed so why dont you make the best out of tour life now?

dudleydo

LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM. You deserve better treatment than he is giving you. He is actually mentally abusing you and he is thriving on the pain you are experiencing. No man is worth what you are going through. You are lucky there are no children involved - get away from him before there is or you will be trapped with this animal for the rest of your poor life. COURAGE TO LEAVE IS MY PRAYER FOR YOU. He does NOT need you he needs someone to torture and YOU are IT right now. Be good to yourself and get away

rebeccaangel2004

My dad told me when I was going through a rough time to make a list and be completely honest with myself while doing so on One side list all the reason's for staying on the Other side all the reasons for leaving. When that list is done see which side has more. Personally Mine was leaving so he said okay now stand up and do it don't look back and that's what I did I'm so glad to because I was in a miserable relationship with a man that was an alcoholic when he wasn't drinking he was sweet and loving but that list showed me that the con's out wayed the pros's Good Luck.

mag z

sounds Like you have been a good person to him for a long time. and you do love him, or may love the idea of being married and feeling needed. if he or anyone do not appreciate who you are all you do, than that person does not deserve you. I also believe you may need counseling so you can feel better about yourself. Read self improvement books, your self esteem has been beat up for a long time. Prepare yourself emotionally and financially and show him you are not dependent on him. I have had the experience that men do not like dependent needy woman. show yourself your self-worth and you deserve to be the best from yourself and anyone else must respect you. If you work on yourself, he may just like it and respond to you differently. Lots of Luck. Remember you are a strong woman and deserve the best.

Cotton

My word, GET OUT !!! You are in a bad abusive relationship and I'm sorry you don't have the best of friends if they are telling you to look at the good and the bad !!! God didn't put you on this earth to be treated like crap or abused and abusive behavoir is not just getting beat!!! It is verbal and cheating and all sorts. It sounds to me like you are scared of him and trust me honey you will find mr right one day but it's going to take some time once you get on your own to build yourself up!! Don't go find someone right away to fill the void of emptiness. It is so hard trust me I know I have a friend right now who is going threw it and she can't even think for herself right now. What happened with her is we had to wait till she finally said this is over for the last time. She slowly packed stuff up that she would need for her and the kids. and finally one day she said enough it's time to go. I called the movers and they got her stuff and brought it to my place and she stayed with me for a month untill she got a place. Assistance helped her right away and she is in councelling. There is a lot more to the story of course but trust me I thought never every would she just finally do it. I thought it would be her and the kids dead before she would make the choice!!
START TO MAKE A PLAN FOR YOURSELF. YOU CAN DO IT AND BELIVE IN YOURSELF!!! HE HAS BEATEN YOU DOWN TO LONG AND YOU ARE BELIVING YOU ARE WORTH NOTHING AND THAT IS SOOOOO WRONG. GET WOMENS SHELTERS TO HELP OR WHAT EVER IT TAKES BUT GET OUT. SOCIAL SERVICES WILL EVEN HELP YOU MOVE AND PAY FOR YOUR DAMAGE DEPOSIT AND EVERYTHING... THERE IS NOT ONE REASON FOR YOU TO STAY EXPECALLY IF YOU HAVE NOT KIDS..... THAT MAKES IT SO MUCH EASIER.. PLEASE DARLING GET OUT NOW!!!

Megan D

I have seen a lot of people in your situation. I think the best advice I can give, is to go to a therapist. That way you can talk out your true feelings, and make an educated decision with the help of a professional. Also, you can make a decision without your friends giving you their two cents (which sometimes, can make you feel even worse about the situation).

Good Luck and Hang in there!

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