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Tony
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I think you first need to fix the problem at hand and that is to get your husband to come home. If that means to apologize then do it.
Then you need to work long term with your control issues. Marriage is about compromise. For you and him.
Good luck. |
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Paka
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It sounds like you need to mature a few years before he come home. He most likely married you not out of pure love, but your marriage can survive, the age gap is quite large. You could be mimicing the things you saw in your own home it is one of the evil side effects of divorce with kids. Take a few days realize the mistakes that you make and if you need seek some anger management classes you can overcome this. |
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crazyotto65
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You need marriage counselling, preferrably together as a couple. If he won't go, then go alone, if you want to save your marriage.
Talk to a professional. Stop being childish - you are pushing him away. Explore your past to find out why you are doing this.
Learn from your parents mistakes and resolve not to make them yourself,
Good luck. |
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David S
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you got married when you were 18. you never had a dad, so the possibility exists that you had a "male influence/dad" void in your life.
you say LOVE, but could it be SENSE OF SECURITY?
why do you push him out? do not take offense, but I think maybe you may not be mature enough to be dealing in a marriage situation, and may have issues due to your family upbringing that need to be dealt with before you can expect to be a whole person, able to fully give yourself to another.
best wishes. |
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island3girl
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see a counselor - better together, but if not alone , to help you figure out why you keep pushing him away. |
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nana_viki
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My last husband was 28 years my senior. He passed away 4 years ago. I never had a father either and I think now looking back that he was a father figure for me. I too was controlling since I never felt I had any when I was growing up. This is how I changed that part of myself. I sat down a made a list of all the things I felt I had to control, behavior in myself and others,money,purchases etc. Then I asked my husband what he would like to change if he could change just 1 thing about me. This opened up lines of communication for us.As for him not loving you I don't think we just stop loving someone. If he loves you he will help you solve your need to control everything. Trust me letting go and letting someone else be in charge can be very freeing GOOD LUCK |
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waiting for baby
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you need to get therapy
find him & apologized tell him that you need help
& because of your pass you feel insecure
since you want and love him so much you will get help to learn to deal with your emotion appropriatly
Good Luck
learn to check yourself before talking to him expecially when you are unhappy about something
again Good Luck |
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Right on
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You had better wake up girl....you will be alone..and then what?... |
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Storm
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Look on.
Dont handle what you cant.
Be observant and make right solutions always. |
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KayAlley
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actually yes many times. he's always going to leave me or not come home. let him vent and take his time coming home. the time and space without you he'll either learn it was nice or how much he missed you. You need to quit pushing him away.. you can admit this to us but have you admitted it to him that you've done it. Watching your mom's way of handling her husbands is probably what you are subconciously doing. If you dn't want him to stop loving you don't push him away then he'll know you want him around and not to leave. Oh you want attention. Well you'd better give him some attention as well that is positive attention and you crying when he gives you attention and loces on you isn't very good. Why in the world would you cry when he gives you attention. A husband wants you to love him and he be able to love you... that is definetely pushing him away and making him feel like he is hurting you emotionally. an older man is a lot more mature than some man your age and doesn't really have time for emotional games... its time he wants to be a man that is what seperates him from the boys. |
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bubbles26
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Sorry not me, I will hopefully be getting married soon. Good Luck! |
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orangenyellow_roses
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If I were in your shoes, I would just act like it didn't bother me. I wouldn't call him and beg him back or anything. Don't let him have the upper hand. He's being a big baby, at 34 years old, he ought to be able to discuss things like an adult instead of running out the door every time there's a petty disagreement. Just have no contact with him if he decides not to come home. Don't call him, don't email him, nothing. I guarantee this reaction will suprise him and he will come crawling back home. When he does come crawling back to you, don't bring anything up and act like nothing's wrong. |
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bobsdidi
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maybe count to 10 before you blow up . Relax and calm down if it is meant to be he will be back, Im sure he will! ask him how he thinks things can change. Have a magic silly word for when he thinks you are doing it again....something like ......your feet smell good or just something off the wall and then you will know when he has had anough and that might help you stop controlling everything well good luck to you and him PS I think he will come home tonight! |
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Whoa_Phat
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Call him and say you're sorry. Then go to counseling, if he'll go. Really try to change your behavior. Be nice at every chance. Life is such a short time with those you love. |
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√ÜĽТŨЯЗ
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i know how you feel. had a similar situation with my wife a few years back. we worked it out.
just call him and apologize and tell him you need to talk. |
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bigred
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I'm Sorry honey, If you know what you are doing wrong that is causing the problems with your marriage then you should straighten your self up and stop doing them. You can not want to keep your husband, and also expect to keep doing what you are doing. That just doesn't work in a Marriage/Relationship. I understand that you are only 20yrs old, but that does not mean that you are inexperienced. You have already been with him for 2yrs. If you haven't learned anything from your mistakes yet then I guess you never will. Because if you wanted to straighten up and get your marriage back on track, you would stop acting like a little girl. You should not only pay attention to the things that he does to you, you should also be paying attention to the things that you are doing to him as well. And do something that will make your marriage work out for the best.
Good Luck! |
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tigweldkat
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Go to counseling. You obviously love him, but you don't know how to make a marriage work, you need some help. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, and ask him to go to counseling with you, if he wont, go on your own. |
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HoosierMommy06
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Seek some counseling together and try to work out your problems. You don't have a good example in your life of what marriage should be, so it would help for you both to talk it through with a third party. |
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SAM M
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Sorry for not being able to help you. |
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Been There Done That
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Sounds to me like you have been assaulted in some way. You want affection but it triggers memories. You need some counseling and with a woman. You push him away because he gets to close and you want him because deep down you know that he is good for you.
My sister and my best friend were raped and I saw these same reactions with them. You have said everything that they have said and done. |
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faith
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I have had some of the same issues. My husband is so good to me and yet I find it hard to trust hi. When things are going good I tend to start fights. I don't mean to, it's just something I have always done. I have had a lot of bad relationships and a bad childhood. I get so scared of getting hurt or getting left. I push people away when I feel like they are getting too close. In my life I am used to things being chaotic. So when things are going really good I get uncomfortable. Happiness is weird to me because it's not what I am used too. I too decided that I didn't want to keep repeating the cycle that my parents created. I had let go of the past and realize that my husband is not those other men that hurt me and he's not one of my parents that hurt me. For me I had to get it through my thick head that my husband loves me, he married me! I knew if I continued to act the way I was acting I was going to loose my husband. I see a counselor who helps me sort through my issues. I know that the way I think and feel about relationships is very unhealthy and that's why I chose to get help from a professional. It really helps. I am a lot better wife because of this. i can accept the love that he gives me and not push him away! I hope that this helps! Good luck and God bless! |
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cottoncandie1969
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just tell him you love him more than anything and that if he comes back to you .. that you know realize whats your problem is and you will seek counseling for your problem and maybe marriage counseling also that you will do what it takes to save your marriage.. i hope this helps but dont say anything of these things to him unless you are gonna carry them out and do it.. |
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vinceweld
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WOW, Im sometimes in the same sistuation my girl is 21 im 35 sometimes she can do things to push me away but he has to be patient with you ,I do sometime I remind myself there is a age differance so I do more,But at the same time you have to give also of youreself and put youre fears aside so that youre relationship may develop he loves you Im sure of it you cant fix the past just apolojize to him tell him how you fell and you dont want to give up and give it tiime |
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GrnApl
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Husbands who don't come home don't have any excuse for staying out.
First you say you are controlling then you say you push him away?
First you say that you didn't think about getting married but then you couldn't help yourself and you did.
You are very confused and that is due to the way you grew up. When you grow up in a dysfunctional situation you become accostumed to always having turmoil in your life. That is what feels normal to you. You will strive to have it in your life because that is what you are used to.
However, it is not the way to have a successful relationship. You must learn to pick and choose your battles. You have learn to trust your husband (although his not coming home isn't a good way for him to build that with you) and you have to learn to compromise.
You are young and marrying someone who I suspect is more of a father figure than a husband.
Get yourself educated and start a career in anything. Become independent within your relationship and you will then become a partner. If at that time you still are unhappy you will be in a position to take care of yourself and can get a divorce.
What ever you do "DON"T HAVE CHILDREN" until you are self-sufficient. |
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â„¢Spacemanâ„¢
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stop trying to control him would be a start |
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Chichou
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I think you had so little love in your life, so poor thing when you get it, you just do not believe it is real, and then you panic and get too scared to deal with it. If your man does love you an you know it, the best thing to do to keep him around is show your affection to receive his |
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geodesy
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well lets see...you were 18...he was 32 when u met...um i think u guys are on a totally different mind set...i mean what can u have mentally in common.....u need to stop naggin ur gonna lose him.....its time to grow up and be mature.....he is 34....u made your bed now lie in it....good luck |
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kitkat
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You need some serious couseling. From what you said I find you very immature, you need help in acting like a adult. Good luck. |
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NICOLE J
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I believe the problem is you are only 20 years old. You aren't even legal. When I was your age my worries were what party to go to on campus or what classes to skip. There are so many things you need to experience and discover about yourself and your life. The person you are at 20 is not the person you will be at 34. You will grow and change and the big picture is you and your husband may have come to a point where you both realize that regardless of your attachment and love for each other you are in different stages in your lives. When you were 18 and he was 32 and you were just married!A 32 year old man should be ashamed of his self. You are frustrated because you are trying to control a situation you can not control. My only advice to you is to have an open dialog with your husband to see if you can both get to the root of your problems. But as a mother I would tell you to leave that creep alone and enjoy your life as a young woman. I wish you only the best. |
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michelle
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Men hate controlling women,,,as you would hate it if your husband was too. Before you want to start arguing with him,,you need to step back and think before you speak. What are you really wanting to argue about. You are going to lose him for good if you dont stop this behavior. If theres nothing really to be arguing about in the first place,,only the fact that you want to in control,,,you are going to end up a very lonely person. You have got to think before you speak. Or go see someone like a doctor to talk to about your issue. |
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maryann c
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You are very young!! Im gonna tell you right now your childhood had a big affect on your adult hood,Your in a pattern and there is something behind this all.Look around for a therapist you can find them cheap on a sliding scale, you need to get to the root of the problem,this is your issue not his.If you say you love him as much as you do then you will do what it takes to save the marriage. Maybe your afraid of abandonment and your trying to push him away before you think he is gonna do it to you.You will be surprised to find out why you do this in therapy. Please save your marriage cause eventually he will stop taking this and leave for good.Your job,both of you is to make each other feel secure in the relationship irregardless if your in an argument you do not say things you dont mean and you should always try to keep that person feeling secure ,noone likes to feel their place of living is being threatened and never say you want a divorce or your leaving unless you mean it. |
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