If I want this marriage to last what is my next step?

Brianna

" I need advice on how to talk to my husband when i know he won't change and feels justified for his own temper".

How then will you get through to a person who won't change?

I don't condone living with an abuser and your child will grow up to abuse or to be abused due to living in the home. Of course the child wants mom and dad together, but you are supposed to be the adult and not basing your life upon a childs wishes. I am certain the child wishes for candy for dinners, do you do that as well or are you the parent and feed them good meals even if they'd rather have fast food?

I have yet to meet an abuser who truly changes. Less frequently is the best you are going to get. You could send him to a psychotherapist and it could help just a tiny bit more. But, every counselor will tell you that someone who is ok with abusing another person has never been cured of it.

He was raised around it and feels it's an ok way to live and you prove it that it's ok to live with. You enable him to continue to abuse you, so what's his incentive to try to truly change? Ohh, you'll leave him, but he knows you come back and have stayed this long. He knows he only has to play the part you want and get you back home so he can continue on doing as he pleases. You might as well save your breath and don't waste anymore time on figuring out how to talk to him. You already know he wont' change, so why bother? Just happily take your abuse and continue to go on as you always have. Continue to sacrafice your self worth for the right to say you are married. I'd suggest no longer putting the pressure of your childs ideals as an excuse as it places far too much power and mental termoil on the child and will screw it up for life. Place all your reasonings upon yourself only. You stay for you, for no one else. Say it out loud and to your child as often as you can. Do not make the child an enabler for your unhealthy relationship.

If you chose to stay and change your thought process and take all responsibility off your child.. then no one has the right to say a word. Though, by abusing you, he is abusing the child. Too bad the child couldn't have gone to a safe home without abuse while you continued on in this marriage. Oh, i'm certain you'll say the child is just fine.... but it will be a lie that i hope you will see some day. No child who lives with abuse is ok.

My dad and mom verbally abused each other all the time and put me in the middle my entire life. I too was forced into responsibilities i should not have been by being asked my opinion or being listened too when adults should have been making all the decisions based on experience and informed information i was not aware of. Took me until my late 30's to finally work through most of it and i am still dealing with some of it. I know now how damaged it made me and i know there will never be full healing. Believing your child isnt' going through that is a lie and you'll learn much later on just how adverse it did effect them. So lay it all on your shoulders where it belongs and at the very least, give that to your child.

You are looking for an answer that makes your marriage ok. It's not ok and there hasn't been major growth if he feel justified for his temper and won't change. He doesn't have to change b/c he knows he can abuse you and you'll take it. After all, you taught him that. Sorry, I know it's rough but you're in denial. SERIOUS DENIAL. Allowing someone to physically and emotionally tear you don't isn't a "sacrifice" it's stupidity.

ranger_822nd

there are so many women out there living with your story - then there are also many who have finally taken the leap and gotten out of their abusive relationships -

I have NEVER once heard of ANY woman who left an abusive relationship say that she regretted it - on the contrary every single one has said how much better off they and the kids are for having done and each and every one wished they had had the courage to do it sooner -

my only advice is - don't wait too long!!!

Heaven

Please, don't take this the wrong way for what I am about to tell you......

When children are involved in these types of relationships, the damage can be done to their very core. It's not healthy for a child to witness violent outburst in the home, a place where they are supposed to feel safe and secure. Plus, your son is not learning a positive example of a healthy relationship from his father by watching him mistreat his mother. Most children who grow up watching abuse, later abuse themselves. Hopefully, this will not be the case with your son. But, you have to be prepared for your son's behavior later on in life because there will come a point and time when he will start to exhibit those very same behaviors towards you as his father does.

I know you see me as an outsider looking in but what you do not know, is that I lost someone very dear to me in my family that was a victim of abuse. Countless times I told her of my visions and countless times, she ignored them. She died at the hands of her husband during one of his drunken, abusive outburst.

Whether your realize it or not, you are tolerating abuse in the worst form, mental. This type of abuse breaks you down emotionally and mentally and clouds your judgment as to what is good and what is bad.

I know you love your son, I can tell this by your post. I know you love your home, friends and family by what you have posted. But, you don't love the most important person - YOU. You have allowed this man to control the home and the environment in which you love so much all these years and he has never truly changed his ways.

A short fuse or frustration is not excuse to take it out on his family. He needs to find another way to channel what he is feeling and keep it out of your home and away from your son.

ouragon

He thinks the way he does because he's an abuser. They all have a screw loose. Most women who live with them have been so psychologically damaged that they cannot distinguish between right and wrong any more. That's where you are.

Less profound abuse is still abuse. That's not growth. You think you are setting boundaries and you are somewhat in control of this. You are not. He's still abusing you, and your son is watching. He will, statistically, grow up to abuse women, too.

I hear that you don't want to leave your abuser because you think the relationship has promise. You are wrong.

If you ever work up the courage to leave and get some counseling, your eyes will be opened and you will be astounded that you consented to be abused for so long.

Please, get some counseling now, even if you choose not to leave. Call 800.799.SAFE for a local referral.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it is morally incumbant upon me to tell you the truth, not what you want to hear. I lived with an abuser for five years. There is no comparison with the life I had then and the peace I feel now.

TRIXIE

you are an addict. and addicts need help. he is a criminal. and criminals belong in jail.

it may sound harsh, but INTERNET HATE MACHINE is right..

free_angel

You want to continue on in this marriage??? Common sense should tell you differently. People! Some of them have no sense at all!

Tigerspaw357

The question I have is for long time married women or men who have made sacrifices to save their marriages. I need advice on how to talk to my husband when I know he won't change and feels justified for his own temper. If you have experienced anything like this situation I would be honored to hear from you.

I read your question with great interests because I do volunteer work with survivors of domestic violence â€“ Domestic Violence can be physical, emotional or both â€“ closely related to acts of terrorism â€“ because it instills fear into the victims, and causes Post Tramatic Stress â€“in women, children and relatives of the abuser; â€“ and yes there is a small percentage of men (who generally do not report they are being abused by their wives).

In your question lies a key point I KNOW HE WON'T CHANGE AND FEELS JUSTIFIED FOR HIS OWN TEMPER. And this statement is statistically known amongst people who work in this environment the person being abused typically feels it is their responsibility to find a â€œcureâ€ or â€œcorrectâ€ the abuserâ€™s behavior â€“ I have heard these exact words far too often. Along with â€œhe is not that abusive and I have only had to call the authorities 1 or 2 times â€“ which is too many times.

What you refer to as sacrifice is NOT a sacrifice â€“ it is your choice and to say that you are staying together for the children is unfair because all children want their parents to be together â€“ however, your husbandâ€™s abusive behavior was something he learned â€“ probably as a child watching as your children are watching. In your childrenâ€™s world this type of abuse is â€œnormalâ€ and I can assure you that it will be repeated â€“ they will either accept being abused or become abusers â€“ There is no magical cure or words as you stated â€œhe wontâ€™ changeâ€ â€“ which unfortunately means you will have to learn to accept him until he get too old and mellow and the abuse might stop. Since you are set on staying â€“ then I suggest you get counseling now for your children and help them understand that their fatherâ€™s behavior is toxic and should not be repeated and do not make them feel guilty by telling them you â€œmade a sacrificeâ€ â€“ this has the potential of blowing up in your face one day â€“ as many adult children â€“ have said â€œI would have rather had one â€œsaneâ€ parent then two parents that fought and were clearly â€œinsaneâ€. Also, your â€œsaraficeâ€ tells your children that marrying an abuser is okay and staying for the long haul of abuse is â€œnormalâ€ â€“ YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO engage himself into become a better person and only he can do this.

rajachitre

As per the Details mentioned, He has calmed down a bit. Also really speaking Nobody Changes the attitude or Response because of some one else. It is actually, the desire to change really matters, but see for instigating events or factors, which make him violent. If he is trying to control himself, give him due credit.For his violent outbursts, he would have to undergo certain behavioural modulation like - Meditation, Yoga, may be Psychological/ Psychiatric consultation. Having a professional help for keeping marriage alive is better, than Legal aid to get Divorsed!

bored brunette

You have some co-dependency issues. You alone need to seek counseling for this. Then maybe you can take a long hard look at reality and decide what's in your best interest.

Shannon

I applaud your persistence to help him and stay with him.
Quite simply he has never dealt with the underlying reasons he is angry.

He only gets angry now a few times a year? I think its time to start telling him how proud of him on how far he has come and accept that some anger is normal for a man. (Age alone naturally reduces our tempers.)

Dealing with and changing or fixing the underlying emotional reasons for the pent-up anger will reduce rage outburst.
Do you understand yet why he gets angry? Do you both do anything to prevent or avoid those situations? (called triggers)

You had counseling? What kind? If they taught him now to control his anger... its like a volcano. All of the unresolved anger is still there and now its building up to greater heights.

If he was abused when he was young, then you are a saint; you have all of but fixed him. You can't expect that to cure though, only cope.

You have handled the symptoms very very well :(
I wish you luck and peace.

Those other posters are insane.
He went from rage outburst and verbal abuse to almost completely normal and they are crying ZOMG WTFZOR AB|_|S3R!
Has he ever given you a black eye? Broken a bone? Shoved you down stairs? Has he hit your son? (beyond being overly rough with him for discipline)
None of that is right/acceptable but failing to be a perfect husband or father is not the same as being an abusive one.

shy-guy201

I would talk to him to see what he wants to do with your marriage. If he loves you and wants to be with you then you need to do everything to make a marriage work. Try to communicate more about his and your feelings. If all else fails then let him know that he is breaking your heart. I AM IN THE PLAYPEN WITH SWEET MILDRED

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