In need of marital advice, specifially from a male perspective?

My husband and I have been married for 9 months. A few weeks before we were married I found out, yes because I snooped (which I promise I had never done before- I just had a strange intuition come over me), that he had been talking to his ex-girlfriend via email. He had never lied to me, so this made me sick to my stomach. I confronted him and he said he just got curious sometimes. So I figured all that was over with. The other night we were twittering people together and it turns out he had been trying to look her up. They broke up 6 years ago. I asked him if he is still in love with her or cared for her and he said "no." Do you think this is a bad sign that he is still interested in what she is doing? I thought that stuff just kind of faded away after you got married. I just need someone else's insight instead of my own.

Mr Anonymous

These types of interactions are difficult to interpret. Just because he had contacted her (or vice versa) doesn't necessarily mean that he is interested in her romantically.

A similar situation came up in my relationship, where my ex sent me a Facebook message and I responded. My girlfriend found the messages later, and was upset that I hadn't told her. Having nothing to hide, I let her read the messages. There was nothing in any of them that even mildly suggested I was interested in getting back together with the ex - I even mentioned my girlfriend in them.

I'm not really sure why I even responded. Part of it was not wanting to be rude. Part of it was curiosity about what she was doing now. She was a large part of my life for quite some time, and like any other former friend I haven't spoken to in years I'm somewhat interested in what is happening with her and her family. One thing I do know is that I did not respond with the intention of getting back together with her or because I still cared for her in a romantic way.

That being said, you shouldn't be naive and automatically assume that he was talking to her for the same reasons. Many men cheat. It's possible that he was heading in that direction, too. I'd suggest you consider two main factors in determining whether or not the contact was appropriate: 1) The content of the emails you found - Was he flirting in the emails or sending signals he was interested in meeting up with her?, and 2) How loyal he is - has he cheated in the past (on you or other girlfriends)? How confident are you that he would never cheat on you? If he fails on either 1) or 2) then you may want to face the possibility that he still has feelings for her.

It doesn't fade away when someone gets married. It fades after an emotionally healthy person realizes that he/she has found someone better and wants to devote him/herself to making that new relationship work.

He's still interested, obviously. No, it doesn't fade. My "ex" was 10 years ago and I still sneak a peek at her MySpace every now and then. Yes, I know that's bad. But if she and I ever ran into each other, I would not be tempted by her--in fact, we'd probably fight. I don't want to see her. Maybe your husband is the same way.

Alison

I am not a male, but I thought I would give you my opinion. If this were happening to me, I would be bothered by it. To me, it's a little disrespectful. He is not respecting your feelings. Although, sometimes (not often) I wonder about my ex. I'm not in love, but I wonder how they are doing, if they're happy, etc. I would never contact them because I know it would bother my husband.

Katie M

It's impossible to say what your husband's motives were but I wouldn't be thrilled if my husband continued to try to track down an ex. Trust him but be cautious. Good luck.

charles c

This is something to be concerned about I wouldn't say its a bad sign, but I will ask why the interest? Is their something that he is not telling you I would sit down and ask what is going on? Why are you wanting to find out what is going on in her life, when you should be concentrating on your wife! I would set the record strait that he is not to try and contact her-anymore.

ranger_co_1_75

Curiosity is probably the driving factor here. I always wondered about my high school sweet heart until I actually met up with her. Either she changed dramatically or I had really low standards back then.
Never wondered about her again.

And yes you should snoop. So should he, that is called reassurance when you find there wasn't a reason to snoop. The doubt that made you snoop is gone so you trust each other more.

You should be concerned about someone knowing the truth only if you have something to hide.

Tommy T

He might want to see what could have been... to see how much of an upgrade he made by choosing you.

I wouldn't worry about it. His previous relationship ended for a reason and he's with you now.

Storm

yea keep snooping.

****IM IN THE PLAYPEN WITH SWEET MILDRED****

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