Is it resentment that breeds criticism?
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Is it resentment that breeds criticism?
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Is it possible that my husband nags and nitpicks everything I do thus making me feel worthless because he is resentful of me for being a stay at home mother?
I have brought up getting a job before but he doesn't want me to do that at all. He doesn't want them to have a babysitter, he thinks I am the best person to care for them. They are well cared for, they eat better than most kids, they're super smart for not even 2 years old yet (twins) and our 2 month old is breastfed and doing well.
That said, he is very critical of everything I do under the guise of having "a say" in how they are fed and cared for. I do think he has a say but it makes me feel really low when he nitpicks saying that I should have fed them a handful of total cereal for a snack instead of a rice cake. Saying I should have cooked them a hot breakfast instead of giving them a cold breakfast of whole grain cereal and two kinds of fresh fruit. I mean, give me a friggin' break!!!
I have a 2 month old and twins that aren't 2 years old yet.
I am wondering if maybe he is jealous of me that I get to do all this stuff with them and he has to work.
He would never admit it if he was so I am asking you all. Does that make sense? I mean... damn.
I asked him once about coming up with a menu for them and a schedule so that he could have a say in it all but he rejected that idea and said I should be able to figure it out on my own and that he should have a right to complain if he has a problem with it. I asked him to write it out for me and he was offended so tonight after the kids go to bed I am going to ask him again and say that I would like us to sit down together and write it down so that he does have a say. If he rejects it again then I am going to have to tell him that I think he just wants to complain and that he truly doesn't feel like he needs a say in it since I'm trying to work it out.
I find that very unproductive and demoralizing. I'd rather work it out before there is any complaint and give him a say, you know? So then I think he must just be jealous and want to complain.
I'm asking this again because I just tried to have a conversation with him about it but it went terribly.
He just kept repeating over and over that I am hypersensitive and I had better learn to deal with his criticisms because it's not going to stop. If he has a thought he is going to say it and I have no right to get upset or give him any kind of "attitude". He even told me I was a rebellious little girl and that I just need to learn to accept it. Of course, I did get angry at that and I told him that I don't appreciate being spoken to like a child and he laughed at me for getting emotional and upset over that.
He is going to end up divorced if he isn't careful.
We've been to a counselor and it helped for awhile. I wanted to go back a few months ago but he refuses.
Additional Details
KJ--Did you read anything else?
Would you feel angry if your wife nagged and nitpicked you constantly and then refused to see that they were doing it or give 2 minutes of thought to how that made you feel? Then turned around and called you an immature little boy or whatever?
My husband treats me like his employee, not his wife and it's pissin' me off.
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DJ
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I think that a lot of people who are overly critical and resentful are just unhappy with themselves for some reason. Life didn't turn out as they'd hoped, they feel as though they have somehow been victimized or gotten the short end of the stick, and they take out that bitterness on those around them.
The fact that he insists on having the freedom to say whatever pops into his head and you feel forced to exercise some self control is clearly unfair. At best, he's high maintenance, and to a degree, I'd say he was emotionally abusive. I totally understand how you are so fed up with being the one expected to adjust and are tempted to throw in the towel on the relationship. My guess is that he was either not valued much as a child and he's fighting feelings of inferiority or he was given far too much influence as a child and he feels the need to demand that his opinion be held in high esteem.
He's not likely to change his controlling behavior on his own. Therefore, you can only change how you react. Now, either you can
1. bend over backward accommodating his unreasonable requests and lose all sense of yourself or
2. you can simply say, "Yes, dear" and try to compromise on the things of lesser importance, yet do the other things things your way or
3. you can tell him that if he doesn't like the way you run the household, he can do it himself or hire help. You might also try something like, "I do it this way because _____. If you want it done another way, feel free to step in and do it."
If you can somewhat jokingly say "More rules?" each time he makes a demand, in time he may realize just how demanding he really is.
The bottom line is that you know full well how he is and what hasn't worked for you in the past. Consider his constant criticizing his personal problem and don't let him get you bent out of shape. If you can be more relaxed about it and objective, you might just see how silly and insecure he appears when he makes his ridiculous demands.
You are a grown person and obviously intelligent. He needs to respect that. Try to make sure he feels loved and respected as any wife should do for her husband, but whatever his past mindset or perspective about women and their abilities has been must change, or I foresee disastrous results. Unfortunately, you cannot create this revelation in him overnight. He is an unhappy man, and he has to come to this crossroads alone and realize that you are valuable, reliable, trustworthy and deserve to be respected as his wife and an individual. And when he figures out that he can no longer upset you by complaining, he'll stop doing it so much. |
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Sara
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Well, sure, he has a right to have a say in the parenting department, but hot breakfast over cold breakfast?? C'mon! To me, that IS just nitpicking. Whether he is jealous of you staying home, who knows. Something seems to be bugging him, anyways. And him telling you that his "criticisms aren't going to stop" seems to be a bit bully-ish. I could understand if the kids weren't washed, or if you weren't paying attention to them, stuff like that. But he's sweating the stupid little things. I agree with you that returning to counselling would be a good idea, since it doesn't seem like he is going to be talking to you about what is up his butt. You should let him read some of these responses, lol. Good luck! |
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@ng
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I hear you sister. Loud and clear. I am in the same boat!! |
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benjamin m
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If he won't compromise with you and won't seek counseling I think he's going to end up divorced soon too! I think you have tried everything I can think of to get him off your back and it hasn't worked.
Except: Just stop telling him EVERYTHING! He doesn't need to know what the kids ate exactly at every meal. As long as it was nutritious and filling, who cares! Just tell him what he wants to hear and if he still criticizes then you have given it all you can and I have no other suggestions. |
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Steve
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Yes it does... i've noticed that in myself.
Dream for a better tomorrow, and act like he's the best person in the world - in a while he'll start to ask more like it, and you'll start getting what you need in return. Realize how small these things are. It will be so hard, but it'll get easier.
I had to do this, and it made the world of difference in our relationship. Married 18 years now, and it just keeps getting better.
Good luck, and take care. Remember it's worth it. |
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KJ
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"He is going to end up divorced if he isn't careful"
nice f*ckin' attitude. |
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