Is it right for me to have so much say in my fiance's actions pertaining to his daughter?
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Is it right for me to have so much say in my fiance's actions pertaining to his daughter?
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He is currently in a custody battle for his 3 year old and I'm doing most of the paperwork. He has no clue when it comes to the court systems so I kind of took over in that aspect. I was in mock trial all through high school so I got a lot of exposure to the inner workings of a court room, made some close attorney friends who coached me, and have also dealt with the custody battle between my own parents. So I told him where to go and what to do and he trusted me. Its been working out splendidly and he's getting everything that he wanted while his ex has been getting more and more distraught. She has never allowed him contact with his daughter and now all of a sudden he's about to get shared parenting. She called him the other day and said she was just too stessed and wants to work things out outside of the courtroom. He agreed, but after they talked a bit it became evident that she wanted him to settle for just visitation until his daughter was 5 and cancel the court date altogether. He came home and told me that and I said absolutely not! I didn't do all this paperwork and calling around making connections for him to settle for just visitation. He wants more than that and I refuse to let his ex continue controlling us. She's treated him like crap since she got pregnant and she's treated me like crap since I got with my (now) fiance 3 years ago. I think he should push for full custody, but its totally out of spite and neither of us believes its best for the child so he isn't going to. The shared parenting plan is just standard with nothing extra thrown in there and we even included an adjustment period so that his daughter can get to know him and be comfortable with him slowly instead of being thrust into shared parenting. Pretty much, I've written everything and he's just done it and trusted me because I've had the experience. He still wants to work things out with his ex outside of court, but I don't think its going to work out and I keep telling him not to cancel the court date until the plan is filed and made law. Its for his own good because if he cancels it without something filed then he's screwed and has to repeat the entire process! I just wonder if he's letting me be entirely too much in charge? Or is it warranted considering he freely admits that he doesn't know what he's doing and I do?
Additional Details
Thanks, I've caught a lot of flack from his ex because she knows I'm orchestrating the whole thing and she hates me for it because he's totally winning. I'm not telling him how to parent AT ALL, I'm just helping him take care of his daughter and doing the legal stuff. I just kinda felt like I was being too controlling.
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Kathryn
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I think your future husband is completely blessed to have you. It's good that you're considering how much of a role you're playing in this, but if he doesn't know how to go about this and you do, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's not like you're taking over parenting his child; you're helping him be able to be an active father, and that's a completely acceptable thing.
That's what marriage is all about anyway, right? For example, one person may be really great with finances, so the other trusts him/her to deal with them completely. Clearly, he's not good at custody and court issues because he barely gets to see his child. If he's a good father, it would be horrendous for him not to see his little girl. It's wonderful that you're so loving and are helping him in this way. Your actions are selfless and show what a great stepmom you'll be!
The only thing I would caution you about is to let him do that majority of the disciplinary work and unless his ex-wife starts treating you better, let him handle the communication whenever possible. Also, I completely agree with you that trying to settle this out of court would be detrimental. You've come this far; just let the rest follow through. If she doesn't want him to have joint custody not and that's what the court's going to allow, then he'll be settling for something less than he and his daughter deserve. |
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Angel's Wings
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It's great that you are helping him out, we all have different strengths and you guys are working well, so no, I don't think you are out of line.
Just be careful when it comes to communicating with the ex and with disciplining the child...your fiance needs to do 100% of that, every time. |
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Lindsey
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No I do the same thing with my husband. I have more time that he does to deal with the legal aspect of the custody with his ex.
You're just doing what you can to help your family. Go for you |
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