Just help me out?
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Just help me out?
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Allright, this may be a bit long and rantish, but I'm really lost and confused.
I met my fiance 4 years ago while we were studying abroad in a highschool program. We hit it off very well, and became close friends. We found out that he only lived an hour away from me, and we decided to spend time together once the trip was over. We ended up dating each other. On our first date, he abandons me to talk to a group of girls he went to highschool with, and I broke up with him after 3 months. We stayed in touch for the next 3 years as he and I dated other people. We started spending time together after I had gotten out of an abusive relationship, and we ended up dating again. I could see that he had grown up and matured, and was willing to try to make it work.
We got engaged August of 2008, a few months after we started dating again. It felt so right, and we weren't in any rush to get married, so we set a date for June of 2010, tentatively. Here the last few weeks though, I'm beginning to second guess myself. We got together a mere month after I got out of my relationship, and now I'm scared. We've totally called off the wedding. I told him I think it was too soon and that we should hold off on getting married. I just find myself wondering about other things, what it would be like to date someone else... That sort of thing. But, I'm only like that sometimes. I DO love him, and I would never cheat on him, but he's reminding me sometimes of my ex. He knew I smoked when we got together, but as soon as we got engaged he told me I could quit or he'd leave. He hates me talking to other guys, even though I have remained amicable with 2 of my previous boyfriends, both of which he knows and knew about before we got together. He's under the impression that every guy I talk to wants to get in my pants. When I'm with him, sometimes he'll leave me at the house for hours, but when he's at my place, I can't go anywhere without him.
I'm afraid I'm overanalyzing, and I've just gotten nervous about a bunch of things. But Ilike I said, I've called off the wedding, and I've moved out of his place into my own ( that had nothing to do with our relationship, it was just a financial thing.)
I just don't know. I just don't know why I'm feeling this way, because I know in my heart I love him, and most of the time when we're together, everything is wonderful. I mean, we fight, but not about much.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about and is willing to offer helpful advice or experiences? I don't need any rude answers.
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Douglas B
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In your head you know you don't love him. And for several reasons. He's controlling, he's setting the boundaries of which you have to live, is that what you call love? Do you tell him who he can and can't associate with? Why not, he'd doing it to you? The next thing is that you jumped into this way too soon after an abusive relationship, one that would take several months to really get over, and now those things are also murking up the water for you and they make everything here that much harder to see. He gave you an ultimatum after you got engaged, not a loving gesture again. Sorry, he has everything going his way and I don't see any going your way. Within two years you would feel trapped and resent him even more. What you should do is just take a break from him and others for about 3 months, then you will be able to see things better and know that you are doing the right thing. |
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marheather
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You have done the right thing calling off the marriage.
Just let time give you your answers. If in doubt, do Nothing.
It worries me that he does not respect you. That is something you should insist on, if he cannot do that, I don't think you have much of a chance of happiness together . Good Luck |
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Wiz
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You are describing someone who is over controlling and quite capable of physical/psychological abuse. Anything that he does which bothers you now will become much worse after marriage. You are not overanalyzing. This is NOT a rude answer, it is something you need to consider very carefully and possibly seek counseling for. What is seems you have done is jump from one abusive relationship right into another one, which is actually common. Don't get married. |
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Confused
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He sounds very controlling. You said you just got out of an abusive relationship, why would you put yourself in a controlling one now. After coming out of a relationship like that, you need to spend time just being you and only you. Not you with someone else. You need to let go of your boyfriend for a while. And granted, no man wants their girl talking to other guys, but the smoking and stuff like that, is not necessary at all. If he loved you enough to want to marry you and you smoked then, then whats wrong with it now. You shouldnt have to change yourself for anyone. You should only have to change for you. And he shouldnt TELL you to do anything. The most he should do is ASK and if you dont want to then dont. Or come up with a compromise of some sorts. But you are a woman. You are your own woman, not his dog or his BI**H! Just stay away for a while. And I am speaking from personal experience. If you love him and he loves you, then he will be willing to wait and he will understand. If he doesnt, then you know he isnt worth the hassel. Because once you lock things down with marriage, and you then decide you want to leave, that is where things get ugly. Be smart about your choices and think about what you want the rest of your life to be like. Because how he is now is what he will always be like. You can garauntee that. |
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curiouscanadian
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It is way too soon for you to be involved with anyone seriously! You are doing the right thing in backing off and if he doesn't understand this then he is not for you. It takes about two years to get over a relationship - good or bad so carry on getting to know yourself and how you contributed to your divorce so that you don't repeat the same mistakes. |
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BridalBiz
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You are making good decisions for your future. It sounds as if you were headed for a very emotionally abusive marriage - it only starts with being jealous of other men, but then includes female friends, then family, and before you know it you are living in your own personal prison. Be cautious with this man. |
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