Ladies would this be considered as abusive?

jmd72inva

your reactions- whether directed to her or not are very aggressive. No commentary here on whether it is the "right" way to handle it...but once you have punched anything it's a display of your anger and a non-verbal..."this is what I could do to you right now" reaction (whether you would or not- it is how that may be perceived)

First- good for you for asking...I hope people aren't too critical here

Second- consider that you and your girlfriend need to work on communication- neither seem very healthy in that department

good luck

flagger

It is the threat of physical violence that is abusive not just the striking.

Physical restraint is on that list.
So is beating on inanimate objects.

Sounds like you both are overdue for a break.
When you return, if you do, learn how to deal with things without the drama and threatening gestures. If you cannot get her to deal with overriding issues without your blowing up, admit that she is not very mature as well and take a break.

This is one of the most difficult lessons of maturing.

By the way, beating on inanimate objects does nothing but hurt you and break things you have or will pay good money for. It does not really vent anger just makes you look foolish in the long run. Another hard lesson needed for maturing.

Sondra D

One thing is for sure, you definately have an anger management problem, which means that you could harm her in the future. Yes, you were abusive. She wanted to be away from you and you used your strength to force her from going. Why? Because at that point, the world revolved around YOU and YOU had something YOU needed her to hear, even though she wasn't interested in hearing it. The fact that you feel horrible about it means you're not totally self-centered and you are a good candidate for anger management training. This is an excellent course to go through on line and only costs, I think about 30 or $40. Tell the love of your life that you are doing this because you recognize you need it. I'm sure that will melt her heart and win her over, but you need to be serious about this. Good luck. There is hope: http://www.angermanagementseminar.com/

Latina4life

Although you did not personally hit her, if I had a b/f who will start hitting and throwing things at the wall, then I will think he will eventually do it to me. Physical abuse dont always starts with a punch, slap, kick, etc. It can simply start just like you did it. My advice is that if you do not like it how she walks away from conversations, and she doenst like your temper, why be with other? Do not get things worse and let her know whats going on (even if that means by phone)...But throwing and hitting the wall is definanlty a sign of bad temper. I have a bad temper, but I prefer to walk away from the problem and not start hitting the wall...
Hope this helped = )

swtme810

I dont think it would be considered abusive, but it is NEVER right to hold someone against their will. (unless they are going to hurt themselves or someone else)
You sound to me like you have some anger issues, I think you should try and figure out why your so angry, and what other things you could do to take your anger out. You dont want to reach the point of abuse, so I say get some help, for yourself.
Then maybe you can figure out the relationship part.

Tab

There isn't anything worse than the one you love to put his hand on you in any way that is not loving. You didn't hit her and maybe it isn't considered abusive what ever message was relayed to her by that action made her feel horrible.

Violet Pearl

What you should do? Break up. You're not compatible and this relationship is pushing you to pound on dashboards out of frustration and grab her arms. Stop trying to change her- find a girl who can discuss issues and problems like an adult.

As for being abusive? I'd say no. A one-time even of you losing your temper is inappropriate. Your problem will be if you stay with her and allow your frustration to build until you accidentally strike her.

Kitty

Sounds like you are abusive to the walls! Do you have to re-paint the house often?

hunnygril

You both have different ways of dealing with issues. My ex was kind of the same way as you...he would talk and talk and talk and talk about issues, and I just wanted to space and time alone to figure things out. I sometimes felt like I couldn't breathe because he always had to be there. One time he actually ripped his shirt off because he was so frustrated, and he once he stepped in from of the doorway and would not let me leave the room.

So...that said, you are not an abuser, nor do I think you're abusive. I just think you were frustrated, you care about her and felt/feel like you may lose her.

My best advice is to realize that we all have different coping skills depending on how we learned to deal with stressful situations. The one thing you have to realize is that you CANNOT control another person...you can't control how they act, you can't control how they react, you can't control how they deal with situations. To feel that she has to deal with issues in YOUR time is not right...you have to let her do things in her way, in her time...if you don't, then you are definitely jeopardizing your relationship. No one likes to feel that they have to change to make someone else feel better.

The only person you can control is you.

bsharpbflatbnatural

You are evidently getting worse because you have finally touched her in anger. It is the beginning of abuse. What will you do next time, yank her. The time after that, shake her. The time after that, slap her? So where will it end. You need to understand you never have the right to touch her in anger or use physical force to get her to comply. How would you like to be treated that way. If she is smart, she will walk out on you and never look back.

Tex

She wants to get away from you because you might have a record of getting violent. Some people just want to drop the subject if your going to act irrational like that. Maybe your not physically touching her, but your explosive behavior is. That can be just as hurtful. My husband sometimes does that (mainly when his children come to visit). The other day he slammed on the breaks in the middle of the road and did a very fast u-turn because his daughter started crying she had forgot her shoes. His behavior scared the crap out of both us we both started crying. So, do you see what i meen? He don't hit no one (he wont even spank his kids) , but his explosive behavior can be very hard to handle. I think it is abusive to act like that.

rcButterfly

Yes, you are abusive and have obvious anger issues. There is no excuse for hitting and throwing things like a spoiled child. You should seek some counseling, she does not deserve to be treated this way. You say you didn't hit her when what you should have said is "I haven't hit her yet" because if you think you aren't headed in that direction think again. You'd never held her before either right? You're becoming progressively more aggressive.........get some help before things go too far.

Chris Cross Christ

You're not abusive, but you are walking a fine line. You see, you are letting your anger manifest itself in the physical form of violence.

I know exactly what you mean about trying to tackle issues head on and then dealing with someone whose solution is to walk away or try to escape the matter rather than just deal with it. It's very frustrating and can drive you nuts.

Try remembering this next time: one of the hardest things in the world to do is control the will of another person. Keeping that in mind, you will know that you cannot force her to listen and deal with it. Instead she will have to deal with it by wanting to. But how on earth can you get her to want to take on an important issue if her default is to turn the other direction?

This is where being clever comes into play. First, you have to assure her that she is not being pressured to say or do anything on the spot. Women are generally more emotional in problem solving, while men are usually more rational. If her emotions are causing her to be unable to deal with a problem immediately, applying more pressure will only make it worse.

So what do you do? Here's what I have tried and seen a little more success with. Think of everything you want to say and write it down. What I do is type it up on the computer. I can make corrections. I can read over it to make sure I do not come across the wrong way. I can make sure to ask open-ended questions, so that she will not be able to sneak her way out of it by giving the shortest answers possible. Ask what she thinks about each point you make, and ask how she feels about each point. Be open and accepting of her feedback.

It many not be the best or final solution, but it is definitely a better alternative to letting an argument escalate to the point of physical outbursts.

bevrossg

Go to couples counseling now! These issues need to be settled once and for all before you make any permanent commitment to each other. Would this be a long lasting marriage? I doubt it and you would be unhappy never clearing up issues. Perhaps she is not the girl for you after all. This IS a big issue and needs to be solved.

sassy

YES, keeping someone against their will is abuse. You seem to have a short temper and that shows by hitting the "wall" or throwing things. It's already a serious issue in your relationship. If your girl doesn't want to discuss anything, i believe she's tired of your anger bouts, and probably you don't see it, but you just might be persistent and getting your way, and she's sick of that too. So, if you really like this girl and value your realtionship, seek counseling, for anger management and intervention. if she still doesn't want to discuss the problems with a therapist, then go for yourself, but let the girl go, she would not be a healthy partner for you after you've learned behavioral composure. because, even if you go through all this, in a relationship there's always dissagreement, and things need to be talked out. so if she chooses not to, this shoudl tell you she does not want to be bothered. At the end you would have learned anger control, and learned a new way of dealing with your problems, and this you would bring into the new realationship and that in itself would make it different than the first one.

FoxBelle

First off any touching at all is considered abuse, and in some states even holding her arm to keep her from leaving is abuse, you can go to jail for that.

Some ppl myself included alot of times would like to take a break from a fight and walk away to think aboub it. This keeps us from saying or doing somthing we will regret later, such as name calling. I would suggest that in the future you let her go cool off and think about what the fight is about I know with me I alot of times come back realizing I was overreacting to the situation and smooth things over.

I would def. apologize for holding her and pounding the dashboard as you were def. at fault and abusive on this one sorry.

But hey at least you asked and at least you feel bad about it ..most guys or girls will just not give a damn. Good luck.

dangel

I think you need anger management lessons mate!!

You probably frightened her when you started hitting the dashboard, i would have wanted to get out as well.
Whilst that wasn't abusive, there's probably real fear that you might become abusive in the future towards her, it's not a great road for you to be traveling down, get help sooner rather than later if you really love her you will try and control your anger better.

She obviously knows that you will at some point 'lose the plot' and start throwing things or punching walls, that's why she won't talk to you, stand in her shoes and see what kind of person you become when your angry, would you want to talk to you if you were her?

Take the anger management lessons!!

banana6464

I don't think you are horrible or abusive. You got caught up in the moment and grabbed her arms to make her stay, not to hurt her. Sure, you should have let her go but not a huge deal. Just don't do it again.

In the big picture, I think you both need to figure out better ways to argue - get a counsellor to help you with this.

lemurmunk

I would not call it abuse, but hitting dashboards and other things seems to suggest that you have some physical issues with your anger and that your temper can get rather heated.

Whether you touched her or not, you may have scared her into thinking you could. I would apologize, but you got angry out of concern. You understand how she faces problems, but running from you 1) won't make them better and 2) makes you feel like she's shutting you out and doesn't trust you, which makes you feel very unloved and unwanted. You reacted very badly, but you were just desperate to not have her just run away from your feelings.

She may have had bad experiences in other relationships or as a child in learning how to avoid confrontation rather than learning it's more positive to deal with problems (and this could just be me reflecting here, but whatev :) ). With some people, it's to the point that confrontation means immediate pain versus progress and understanding. Is there a problem you can think of between you that you can take to her with not only a recognition of the issue calmly, but ask what are her thoughts to it and say you want to know what she feels?

I would also apologize profusely, say you've never done anything like that before ever, and say you will prove to her that you'll work on not jumping to yelling out of fear and will open up if she will work on not running and will open up.

Ronnie

There are two issues here. First is the one of physical abuse. Men have to realize that if they have a physical advantage over their mate, and she is powerless against him when that physical advantage is used to control her, that is abuse. So using your superior physical strength to forcibly restrain her is abuse. Never touch a woman for purposes of control. If you have trouble with this, you should get some help.

The second issue is communication. Both of you lack effective communication skills. She has the inability to deal with conflict and you probably get too angry and frustrated to communicate properly. This is another issue that outside help could be quite beneficial and I would strongly encourage this before your relationship goes any further.

bellesnail

Well, as im sure you know, you do have a temper problem if you are throwing things and punching walls.
However, you take it to a whole new level when you put your hands on someone. Hitting or not, you have no right to keep her somewhere against her will.
Im just tellinig you the facts...If the cops would have been called and she pressed charges, you would have been arrested, man.

beliz

If your punching wall or dashborad tells me you have an anger managment problem. Grabbing her by the arm is not abusive put can lead to it. You should not have prevented her from leaving. Did you ever consider the reason why she walks away is because of your anger. You need to control your anger. Try this the next time there is a problem come straight out and tell her this is the problem ----- this is how I feel ------ and this is what I want ------. I want you to think about it and let discuss tomorrow with your opinion, how you feel, what she wants etc. This way you both are calm and know what each other wants, how each of you feel about the situation and what to expect in the discussion. Little by little she will probably open up without either of you being frustrated and going off on each other.

christeehbeeh

Find a girl who is open to communication afterall perfect relationship is give and take and is open to a brainstorming for future commitment.

JLee

Dude watch out for hitting walls or other objects because you may hit her next. Control your anger.

consideringall

Yes, I believe it is a form of abuse, but it's all a matter of degree. She loves you and I am sure she knows you had no intention of harming her. But since she did label it as abuse, you have to respect that it felt that way to her and restrain yourself next time.

Restraining her arms and punching the dashboard was physically threatening. Don't do that again. Be mindful when you are arguing. Anything can be talked about later when the both of you are calm and feel secure.

Courtney

Yes, I consider this to be abusive.

Just because you don't like how your girlfriend handles her anger doesn't make it ok for you to act out in violent ways - whether that violence involves physically restraining her, hitting her, throwing objects, etc.

In essence, you threw an adult temper-tantrum because you were unable to cope with the flood of anger you felt. We all feel that flood of anger at some point or another, but a healthy adult will be able to restrain him or herself from acting out on it, or at least remove themself from the situation so they can "act it out" in private (i.e. punch a pillow, go for a walk and throw rocks into a river, etc.)

You have absolutely no right to restrain this woman. If I was sitting next to a someone punching the dashboard of the car we're in, I'd make a fast exit, too. Why on earth SHOULD she sit around, waiting to see what you're going to do next. Seeing people lose control is scary.

While I agree that "ignoring" the problem is not healthy, either, I don't think that excuses your behavior. I would suggest anger management therapy. It sounds like you have some major issues with control (who has it, who doesn't, feeling frustrated and unable to cope when you feel you DON'T have it), and that your girlfriend is pretty avoidant. Communication is CRITICAL in relationships. What you described is the textbook example of disfunctional communication. It's not healthy, and you both need help.

You're not a horrible person, but if you don't seek help for this problem it will continue to get worse and you WILL end up hurting someone physically; your girlfriend is probably already pretty emotionally shaken up at this point, as I suspect any woman would be after the man she cares about acts out in such a violent manner. Imagine if there were children in the car; would you want your children to see you behave in that way? If not, do something about it.

Unique Soul

That is a form of abuse & she may have been crying out of fear. The fact that you were punching the dashboard & then grabbed her is not cool. I understand that you are frustrated & that you're fed up & blew your cool but if your gf refuses to open up & discuss these issues, you can't force her. If you continue to let this frustration rise inside of you, you don't know what your capable of doing. You should apologize to her and explain why you reacted the way you did.

It's best in those situations when you feel the steam rising to walk away & don't punch anything. You are not horrible. You are human. A human who is trying to make something work with someone who is being difficult. You are not abusive but if you are not careful & allow things to become heated you may become that way out of frustation. You need to find another way to channel your anger. Also if she doesn't open up and is not willing to work on it..You may have to reconsider if this is something you want for the long haul..Communication is key..

Ian S

At least half of the responses to your question are definitely wrong and could land you in jail.

It IS abusive to physically restrain someone in this situation. Check with your local lawyer's office or domestic abuse hotline. You're trying to exert control with your anger outbursts, which is a form of mental / emotional abuse, and you're trying to physically restrain, which is a form of assault.

Ignore anyone who's suggesting otherwise, because you're definitely walking a tight-rope to some jail time.

You've GOT to allow her to walk away if and when she needs to. There are no exceptions to this rule. None. If you're blocking a door when she wants to leave, Get Out Of Her Way. Pursuing or restraining her to demand she address issues on your timetable when she's already feeling angry is both futile and dangerous. I know, I've been in her position.

Maybe you should practice the "cooling off" technique yourself when you're feeling compelled to thump the dashboard, because in that moment you're already out of control of your emotions. I've been there too. Whatever anger-management techniques you're using clearly aren't working very well. You need a more healthy outlet for the frustration safety-valve, before it explodes like that. So whenever it gets to the exploding point it's a sign that we need to learn and try different techniques.

If you want to stay out of jail and have this work out, get to some couples therapy and/or anger management. Only when you demonstrate better control over your emotions can you even begin to expect her to be more open about discussing and resolving other issues. Right now, she's probably extremely nervous, maybe even scared, of the notion of discussing anything that could result in another volatile confrontation.

Yes, that's a catch-22, but it's in your power to stop the rot. An important step to that achievement is realising we can't change anyone else.

Are you really that horrible? Only the actions you choose to take now can answer that question. The fact you're concerned is a positive. We all do horrible things from time to time, but that doesn't make us horrible people unless we carry on doing those things despite having realised the harm it causes.

Arlene

I wouldnt consider that being abusive,you just got frustrated and pushed to your limit,theres alot of guys out there that are abusive and would have done alot more than just holding her arm,maybe shes just trying to make you feel bad by telling you that,you shouldnt throw around things like that either,are the arguments really worth all that anger?

nursecracker

if you were holding her arms to get her to stop destroying your property that wasn't abuse. in fact, she could have gone to jail for the incident, because domestic violence is against the law...

your girlfriend and you have completely different values and ways of coping with issues... yours is sounder (talking, compromising and trying to come up with a solution.. even agreeing to disagree is OK).

do you really want to spend a life time with someone who carries around all of their problems in a tightly sealed garbage sack? would you be able to cope with this?

i wouldn't.

take care of YOU.

â™¥Sabreâ™¥

You are not a horrible person everyone fights in relationships and even though you have hit the walls and thrown stuff around you havent hit her -- so its not abusive however you do have anger issues and need to take care of it before you DO hurt her or someone else
she may have felt that maybe you would have hit her by restraining her..
if you dont control your anger you may end up losing her!

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