Living With A Passive Agressive Husband [[only read & respond if you have this in your life]]?

Stephen K

Get counseling to have him see what he does and how to correct it

dadgonewild

I agree, but you first have to treat yourself like you deserve to be treated. We always blame the spouse for unfair treatment when the fact is our tolerance level is so low. You've even elected to give his careless attitude a "reasonable cause" by claiming he's passive aggressive. The truth is, if he was really passive aggressive he would be in denial of any wrong doing and wouldn't admit to changing his ways.

Stop digging for the truth, you'll never get it that way. His problem lies between "sharing his emotions" and "taking you for granted", both a result of his upbringing which is no excuse. But in order to help him, you should know and deal with the source. Stopped acknowledging his lies and don't hold him to his promises. In other words, if you take away the attention he "blindly" crave as a result of this ........... he will stop.

Child psychology at it's finest!

jodimode

First off - my sympathies. Second off - blessing to you for recognizing the pattern - he is lucky to have you in his life. Third - I am sure his coping skills for stress (passive-aggressive bahavior) is not making him happy. He probably doesn't understand his own behavior and may not have the skills to stop being that way. I suggest therapy - not just for the marriage - but as a way for him to get the help and support he may need to make changes in subconscious behaviors. He need to identify these behaviors himself before he can start to make changes.

dmjrev

I don't have it in my marriage now. I am sorry, there is nothing you can do to change him. He has to want to change. I am sorry, I know that must soun trite.

All we can do is to look inside ourselves and ask, "Why do I let myself to be treated in this way? What is in me that makes others think it is okay to behave this way?"

When you change, he will either change or the relationship will end. One of you will no longer be able to stay. I pray that you can work it out. You are so young. Is he older than you? The best thing you can do is find some professional help so that you can grow. It is unlikely he will want to go with you. Right now he is probably satisfied with how his life operates, through his passive-aggressive behavior he gets all his needs met and may even feel pretty good about himself. If you change, and if he no longer is satisfied with his life, he may take a good look at himself and decide he needs to change as well. God Bless. I will be praying for you.

Blue

Married the same thing. After losing the doctor I had had since I was nine because he said he'd paid the bills but he hadn't, after having the gas meter removed from my house because he said he paid the bills and he hadn't, after receiving an eviction notice for the brand new house we bought after he said he paid the house payment and he hadn't, I packed me, my four kids, and my six month pregnant belly and moved, divorced, and got rid of him.
(I was the one working and earning the money to pay these bills. He took the mail out of the mail box, tore up the checks that were written to pay the bills, and wrote checks out to cash and spent the money on his booze and card playing.)

It won't work. They do not change. Decide what you want out of life...him and his lies, or a man you can trust.

MeMe

The best predictor of future behavior is past experience. A person has to want to change. You cannot change them. If he values you and your marriage, he will make an effort to improve himself. Communication is the key in every relationship.

Nancy D.

I also have a passive aggressive husband. I married him when I was 16 and he was 19. If he does not get what he wants or he feels I am giving more to the children or our grandchild he pouts or if I approach him about issues I feel we have in the marriage he refuses to discuss it--everything is fine, leaving me feeling when I vent my frustration like the guilty party or someone who can't deal. This has continued throughout our marriage and we have been married 25 years. Plus we have extremely different parenting styles which has made it difficult for us lately. Don't get me wrong I do love him although at this time not sure what type of love it is, in love or care about him deeply--anyway I feel we should have gone to couples counseling to help us deal with the young age marriage and agree early on about important issues. I would suggest you try to get him to go to counseling with you (get a good marriage/family therapist) or if he won't you go to try and work out your feelings and see if this is a relationship you want to stay in for the long haul--don't stay for children if there are any or because you feel sorry for him or you are afraid. If you come to the conclusion that nothing will change and you will be happier out of this relationship then your children (if there are some) will be happier and better adjusted too.

Bethany I

Deja vu'! I was married to this guy for 18 years. Unless he chooses to do something about it (like get therapy) he won't change and there is nothing you can do that is going to make him. I finally figured out that even if I was a cross between mother Theresa and Carmen Electra he would still be who he is. It has nothing to do with you.
I also found that I was co-dependent and got help for myself.
I made a decision. I could not live with this, so I left him. I feel a lot better about myself for it even though it was hard at first. I got through it. So can you!

gypsey

I am in a similar situation, his is my friend and has been my lover. I had never encountered such behavior in my life until I was 40 years old. He was a childhood friend from church. I realize now that a person like this finds it hard to make decisions, about anything. They are, or seem to be the nicest people in the world until they begin the silent treatment on you, then you start to be confused and feel like you are the one who has gone crazy. He is like a small child, I love him dearly, realize that his growth was stunted sometime in childhood or maybe abused in his home. His way to attract attention is through negativity although he can be quite charming and loving at times. Sometimes I wonder why I stick around. The silent treatment kills your very soul, self-esteem. The only way I deal with it is to see him as a hurt little boy, and treat him with love and respect, encourage him to talk and to stick with his committments. Good Luck Dear!

mommy4two05

Yes, I've been there... divorced him 2 years ago. The problem is that women mature alot faster then men. I married my ex at the age of 18... was married to him for 6, VERY LONG years. He cheated, never kept a job, lied about the littlest things. Things that didn't even matter. My two children and I have been two years without him, and I am remarried now... it was the best decision I could have ever made. He still doesn't have a job or a place to live. Still lies, and will never have the chance to let my kids down again. If you want to make it work... he has to put in the effort to and admit there is a problem. If he doesn't... its already over with. Good luck.

luckyduck

I am going through it now. I am also in the process of getting a divorce because of it (among other things). I'm 23 and he's 32. Age has nothing to do with it. If you really want this to work, suggest marriage counseling to him. If he refuses to go or that your marriage has a problem, leave him. It's not fair to you (or a future family you may have) to be in an unhealthy raltionship. Good luck.

not_your_Gran

First off, not everyone who marries young inevitably ends up in divorce or a bad marriage, and not every marriage between older people works out, either.

However, if you are 19, how old is he? If he's as young as you are, or close to it, chances are he doesn't have the emotional or communication skills to behave better than he does.

If he's older than you, he has still chosen to marry a very young girl, which tends to make me guess that he's not that emotionally mature.

Any any case, given what you've said, it's likely that developing good communication skills on both your parts will make a lot of difference.

I'm guessing that, as you are so young, you don't have heaps of money. Therefore, I am also suggesting you join a church, for two reasons:
1. Most pastors are training in counselling, and can work either either of you or both of you, and don't charge fees;
2. Most churches have groups ranging from anger management training to communication skills training, again at very low fee rates

An alternative to joining a church could be private counselling, if you can afford it; and an alternative to that could be working with social services agencies in your area.

By learning communication and behavioural skills, you will get some perspective on your (and his) behaviours and actions, and how those interplay in your marriage. Once you (both or separately) have some perspective, then you will be better able to decide between you whether or not you can make this marriage work, over the long term.

Talk to your husband about it, if he doesn't seem interested in doing anything about the issues you mention here, that will be a clear red flag to you.

Amy L

If you want to make this work get counseling soon. My husband is the same way and it is getting more difficult the longer we are married.(4yrs).

Bones

I had a wife like you. She wanted everything. I kept telling her sure go ahead and do it or get what you want. So she did but when it come time for a big event like vacation or what ever she had already spent all the money on herself so she did not get the big thing she wanted. Example: She wanted to go on vacation to Disney World last year but she would not stop her spending so when it come time to book the vacation there was no money there to do it. Did I let her down or did she just spend to much? She let herself down. CHAMPAINE TASTE ON A BEER BUDGET.

henryredwons

your husband needs drugs why would you want a marrage that involves such a man to continue?

snack_daddy10

People change and grow a lot between 18 and 25 and then again between 25 and 35.
It hard to really give you any advise because you both are still changing sooo much.
Maybe he will grow out of it or maybe he is learn that it is okay because you accept has behavior, by not leaving.

just me #1

Wow! I know that can be tough. Ive been married to the same type for 23 years! it is so difficult, you are always made out to be the bad guy in every situation big or small cause he is "so nice" no one can believe he would do anything. It is so hard, my husband only shows the aggressive side to me, he has a different voice he even uses for everyone else! his aggressive side toward me doesn't lean toward abuse or anything of the sort, lots of times the aggression is toward others but he will only express it to me never the actual person or situation it should be taken up with. this puts a big burden on me. I don't think they can change with out counseling, and even then this is probably a lifelong battle. their personality is ingrained in them, it will always be there, they will have to be trained to consciously make an effort about everything. I can ask my husband a question as simple as "is the phone ringing?" (im hard of hearing) and he will answer it then get mad at me cause he says i TOLD him the phone was ringing! when I only asked him if it was. i would suggest counseling for your husband if you want to save your marriage. you may benefit from it too. you will always have to be the strong person in your relationship. you will have to step up and probably take care of every thing requiring attention in your life. i have. sorry for the distressing news. im going thru a bad spell with it myself!

Mike I

I am a man who was passive-agressive to two wives, as well as being abusive to my first. My second wife was also passive-agressive to me. I can only say that at age 25 it was hard enough, at 19 you need to unburden yourself from anything putting obstacles in your way, and that includes abuse. Yes, passive-agressive treatment of you is abuse, and it hurts. I know. It may be something medicine and treatment may help in this guy, but it is only your problem if you see genuine change. If the sighing and making you feel guilty is his way of getting what he wants, if you give in to anything that demeans you, it always will. He always will. There are men who will treat you with respect, don't settle for anything less. But make sure you give it as well. It's all give and take...Hope you're smarter than I was... mpi

by the way, I've been alone since 7-29-1999, the day she left me. It's ridiculously lonely without someone, but I'm spared many more issues that kill the heart.

ecko_mr.bubbles

I went through it , but this was my father , he was like that with my mother. We all ended up splitting apart. I dont think there is a way to fix it. Me and my mother arent close anymore because we fight all the time over it. Me and my dad dont even speak anymore because of the things he did to me. And my dad ended up serveing 8 months in jail. Then after his jail sentence he went to get therapy and he is changed but it didnt put the family back together. Its a horrible thing. All i do is keep my head up high, try not to fight or anything and i get out of the house as much as possible and avoid my mother and father and step father. Im only 14 and my life is tough enough as it is. My family is split in so many pieces you couldnt put it back together if you tryed. This passive agressive stuff eventually leads to abusiveness whether its emotional neglect or physical it all leads to some type. Thats how my father was. Good Luck

happygirl

Counseling and medication.

AriesAlways

Change can only happen when he will make it happen....He can talk and say he will change but until he does...Stop listening...Someone needs to take action, and it doesnt seem to be him....Try counsoling...If he doesnt want that, move on....You can accept and deal with him, or divorce and find a man that deserves you. Marriage isnt for everyone, and especially that young...People change overtime, and being married that young in most cases wont work.

shadycaliber

passive agressive? I understand the passive part, it's usually there just to "keep the peace" but agressive, how can he be agressive if he's always nice and never gets angry. Maybe this is your problem, you are always asking for unreal expectations, he just wants to make you happy, but the things you ask for are ridiculious, so he tries to pasify you by saying yea, yea i understand i'll change. Why the hell would you want to change him anyway. Is he some massive drug addict, or does he cheat all the time, maybe he's lazy and does not work. Even more he probably has no idea he's letting you down, really it's marrige what did you expect.. you could make a zebra change it's stripes. Keep this in mind too, if you want more from a person, you have to give too. It's not all about you. Maybe your too young and should'nt have gotten married, if you can't deal with the comprimises and sacrifices the are needed in a marrige.

SubJ

Ur expectations of a husband have to toned down.

Lisa

Mine doesn't lie but apologizes for not doing something only to not do it again and again. I love him with all of my heart and have no birthday or Mother's day or Christmas gift in 4 yrs. I am home with our Toddler and only work part time from home and he feels that he does enough. I will be leaving the day after my birthday this year if it happens again. Will he beg to have me back? Yes. Will I come back? Yes. Will he finally get it? I don't know but I don't know what else to do.

Lying to your partner is very serious and you need to first try having a calm adult conversation about this with him. If nothing changes get yourself professional counseling. You can show him his error but you can only hope that he changes himself, you can't do it for him.

Good luck!

Shep

Well, I think in order to help, we would need to know the type of promises he's breaking as well as what he's lying about in order to get general idea of what you're living with.

If he's promising he's going to wash the dishes and he doesn't, that's one thing however if he's promising that he's going to stop smoking crack, that's another.

Counseling would probably be the best tactic to take at this time as you both are young, (I hope he's as young as you are) and things can be worked out with a mediator.

Marriage counseling can do wonders if you're both willing to work on the marriage.

Hope this helps.

mutualmuse2000

Dear Confused I apologize for the stupid answers you were given. Ok maybe you were young but you know that is in the past, you are in this situation now.

I was married the day before I turned 20 and I wasn't pregnant! The first thing that most people ask! My husband was Passive Aggressive, infact he could have been the poster child for PA.

I have two wonderful children but I suffered horribly and so did the kids. I was raised that you don't give up you fight to make it right, but honey you can't do this when the sickness is not in you but him!

He finally went to therapy and went on meds to work on his problems...20 years later! But even when he was doing great for a short while he slipped and the lying and returned and he stopped going to therapy and stopped taking the meds.

Don't wake up and decide 20 years later that you and your kids deserve better like I did. Leave now and tell him that if he wants you back enough then he'll get help. When he does put him on probation....make him earn the right back into your life. You are special and it is an honor to be in your life.

You might find out that love is not enough. I finally left and went on a truly wonderful interntet site where in the first year I had over 5000 responses to my candid site. I am with a wonderful man that treats me and my children so good that I wonder why I ever wasted so much time with my ex? But,,,then I realise that I probably wouldn't have appreciated my Stephen as much as I do if I hadn't gone through that hell!

Good luck honey, and all the love and support of all of us, not just women I should add, that have gone through this!

matsystud

don't have children, you are wayyyyyy tooo young to even be married, the boy will not change. sorry :( i got married at 19 and boy was that a nightmare!

heathermichelle9

I went through this same phase, I am not 21 and suffered all through high school. If I was hurt emotionally I would bottle this up and keep it hidden until I exploded on my loved ones when it was time to burst, I was constantly hurting my loved ones. The promise to change comes with not accepting who you are and what you have became, I had to do some therapy and anger management to control this outrage of lies and bottling up my anger. I was only hurting myself inside. I hurt everyone I loved and then acted like I did nothing wrong and they were the wrong ones. The first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. If you want to make this work then it will take a lot of work and strain for you. He needs to seek help and it would be good for you to attend with him for support, a relationship counselor also helped me open up and let go a the small things I got angry at. I am not changed for the better but still learning little things each and every day. I hope he changes for you. The worst thing to do is threaten to leave him, in a time of need like this, he just needs that wake up call and push in the right direction.

sis74100

Sorry to tell you this, but you are too young to have been married for three years. I do not know what to tell you but more then fifty percent of marriages end in divorce if the couple in between 18-20.

angiedazzie

I don't have this in my life now, but I did. My x-husband is very passive agressive, and still is. My only advice is to try and get him into marriage counseling. If left alone, your marriage is doomed.

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