Love and not in love - am I a fool to stay in this marriage?

Christmas 2008 my wife told me she loved me but was not in love with me. Married 20 years and she had been distant for the past four months and I finally asked her what was the problem. Said she didn't want to leave me, thought she might be menopausal. I tried to improve our relationship by communicating more often and doing more together. We spent time cooking meals together hiking but when it came to making love, it was not often and most of the time the direction was "just put it inside me". Not much foreplay in other words. She began to grow distant again and following a night at a party where she ignored me but in my opinion flirted with another neighbour I confrotned her again and this time I told her that I obviously "don't float her boat". She said I was right but she was feeling blue as her mom was not well and recently placed in a nursing home. i told her i would help her in anyway and hoped she could fall in love with me again. For next several months she did not do much else beyond go to work and sit in front of the computer all morning and night when she was home. Christmas came and went and I confronted her again. Same answer but I said I cannot continue like this and thought it might be best to split for a bit. She said she didn't want this, was still attracted to me. So like a respectful individual I played a trick on her. I pretended to be a secret admirer and she fell for and went for it. I got a yahoo account and soon she and "him" were exchanging e-mails and then chat. She had fallen for her admirer and expressed a real interest in an affair. She also revealed an affair she had about 7 years ago, how it had lasted 3 to 4 months, broke her heart when it ended and that she had told her husband she was not in love with him and was not ready to leave her marriage due to the children and $$$. This sealed it for me (or so I thought) and i confrotned my wife and told her how I was her secret admirer. She was shocked, embarassed and felt very guilty. I was already packed and ready to leave but she wanted me to stay and for us to work it out. I kinda thought 3 strikes and your out but consider myself (regardless of my actions) to be a gentleman and perhaps be the bigger better person. Things are better but far from a happy marriage. Difficult to trust and no real explanation for her actions. She does seem to be trying but for how long I do not know. I still think she is acting more out of fear than the fact she is in love with me, which she now tells me she is. I felt good when we were first talking now I wonder if I am a fool to stay?? Thoughts??

lone wolf

You are a fool..You are wasting your time...Life is too short to be unhappy. It takes two to make a marriage work, and from what i see, you are the only one trying...I left my wife and two kids for the same reason. She did not love me, but liked having me around...that's not what a marriage is to me....to be there for convenience......find someone who you can love, and who will give love back, as much as you give them...believe me, you will be happy you did.

Ashes

im sorry but it doesn't seem like she is really trying. if i got a message from a "secret admirer" i wouldn't even talk to the person i would push the block button because i am in love with my husband and would not do anything like that to him. i am sorry about your situation it seems like you should just move on with your life :)

+~Evil Ninja~+

This relationship seems to be hanging by a thread, she is clearly oblivious to what she wants. If a relationship, specially this being a marriage, is not held together by love, it's a relationship no worth having. You should seek professional counseling, perhaps if both of you clear things out some kind of understanding can be achieved. But from the looks of it she doesn't seem very loyal or interested in the whole thing.

Things are better now and she seems to be trying. Don't sabotage the effort and progress made thus far by throwing in the towel.

Try reading Dr. Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages." It has helped couples far worse than you. It's a quick read, inexpensive and full of practical help. If you google the title, you'll probably find a sample quiz to get you started in the right direction.

Good luck!

Grandma's Wisdom

yeah.. you should go and find happiness... we all deserve to find that one right person and be happy while were here 'cause in the blink of an eye we'll be gone

shadowsdreamisman

Have the affair.

Send her an email about where to meet and the things you want to do. Then do them. Don't ever speak about them at home. Keep the whole affair secret. Laugh about how your wife/husband will never find out. Do some wild things you'd never do if it weren't an affair. You had the right idea but used it for revenge instead of getting her into a mirror-ceilinged hotel bed.

Really. Re-read your question. Can you take lessons and get any more boring? Relationships break out of successive coccoons. Stop trying to keep this one all wrapped up. Something unpredictable must happen. Find out, on your dates, what turned her on in that 3 month affair. You aren't her husband then anyway. Do some of that stuff. Yes, be a fool and stay. But have fun.

Daniella S

Be the man you were on yahoo chat, if she fell for that man, she'll fall for you. You were wise not to leave. %50 of US marriages end in divorce. I keep telling people, don't wind up in that half. It's a good sign that she wanted you to stay, at least. I think the answer here is prayer. Nobody can stay in, or survive a marriage on their own. You said "till death do us part", obviously you're not dead, and neither is she. Pray that you marriage will work out, and that you will have more love in your relationship. Just ask God to heal it. Believe he can.

MAT 22:29 Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the
Scriptures or the power of God.

people say you are wasting your time. you are not. you are trying to make it work. Don't listen to them just because they are too scared to try and make it work theirselves.
You can get through it.

anonomous

When tensions are high between husband and wife, dissolving the marriage may seem to be the easiest course of action. But, while many countries have experienced a shocking rise in broken families, recent studieds indicate that a large percentage of divorce men and women regret the breakup. A number suffer from more health poroblems, both physical and mental, than do those who stay with their marriage. The confusion and unhappiness of children of divorce often last for years. Parents and friends of th broken family also suffer. And what about the way God, the Originator of marriage, views the situation? God purposed that marriage should be a lifelong bond. Why, then do so many marriages break up? It may no happen overnight. Usually there are warning signs. Small problems in marriage can grow bigger and bigger until they seem insurmountable. But if these problems are promptly handled with the aid of the Bible, many mairtal breakups could be avoided. The Bible is practical. It acknowledges the joys of marriage, but it also warns that those who marry "will have tribulation in their flesh." 1 Corinthians 7:28 according to the bible both partners are imperfect and prone to sin. It takes time to address such matters, but take heart? Most married couples are able to face such problems and work out mutually acceptable solutions. If you would like to know more this information came from The Secret of Family Happiness Published By Jehovas Witnesses. Pleas contact your local Kingdom hall for a free Copy.

Brandon

look dude- it is very stupid to stay with her from the sounds of that it sounds like she just wants you for your money! i would leave her a**

Ellie

Been there done that, and I ended up leaving, except for it was my ex husband and could not use menopause for his actions. I hate to tell you this but your right she is acting out of fear and if she has told you she loves you but is not in love with you it is time to move on, stop playing the fool and being her door mat.

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