Marriage Coming Apart, What To Do?
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Marriage Coming Apart, What To Do?
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First of all, I’d like to make clear that I don’t blame my spouse entirely for our marriage coming apart. I have done many things which have contributed to its dissolve. I have also attempted, on numerous occasions, to repair hurtful times and situation with no resolve. However, as it takes two to Tango, I am not saying that my spouse is blameless. Not intending to make a messy situation worse, or to pitch stones, and in keeping long time marital issues private, it is apparent we have irreconcilable differences.
We have reached a pivotal time in our relationship, reaching our 25th wedding anniversary. This in itself makes any separation desires emotionally difficult. Even though two of our three children are adults, we do have our youngest still residing with us. She is hardly a child, since she is seventeen years of age and a junior in High School. So as it currently is, our marriage is in a position of stale mate, and a living matter of convenience, as to not turn our youngest daughter’s life into turmoil.
Noticeable complications, I do not understand, which have added to our marital relationship issues are:
I have noticed many time over, that unless I say so first, the words “I Love You” with a true endearment tone, my spouse is reluctant to say it at all. My spouse doesn’t care to kiss me hardly, or to dance at all… even in private.
Current recession times being as they are, it is difficult to find a good quality job and/or retain same, especially here where we live. Economy prices being higher, our debt situation being what it is, our home needing extensive costly repairs is stressing us out constantly.
Our house is not maintained well. Excessive property, no longer needed or used, clutters our home, the garage and storage facilities. The furniture is low quality grade, old and falling apart, or broken.
We have dogs which aren’t sufficiently loved or cared for. Unless I pester my daughter to take care of them, to do her chores and keep her room clean, it generally doesn’t happen. Even though our son is an adult, he is reluctant to move out on his own, share in accomplishing house-hold chores, and is being disrespectful to me his father. He remains silent and won’t tell me why he feels the way he does, so progressive steps could be made to fix problematic issues between us. He will speak with his mother, as long as the conversation is not probing into his life. Conversations with his sisters are rarely pleasant unless beneficial to him in some way. My spouse doesn’t seem to help me enforce the disciplinary structure with our kids residing with us.
I am further concerned with where my family is religiously/spiritually, and desiring fellowship with other Christians. In keeping with our good Lord’s desire to give us the freedom of choice, they know right from wrong. I wish they, especially my spouse, would give rightful consideration to this concern of mine.
These notations mentioned above, if resolvable, could help in the recovery of our marital relationship situation. I am exhausted in my failed attempts to correct these issues. I feel alone, in despair and depressed with my life, and where I am at my age. I know the financial burdens my spouse and I have will not just go away, and we will still be forced to pay. I feel no respect, or need to be around. So, what to do, where to go, how to live and start again?
Through my eldest daughter, I have grand children, whom I would like to be an instrumental and valuable part of their life as they grow. I feel my military tenure, all the deployments, separations from my own family, and the harsh behavioral attitudes I had evidently brought into my home have affected them severely. I have asked for forgiveness, trying to change and soften my ways.
Unless the good Lord sees fit to send or provide me the help I so desperately need, I will be on my way, leaving all behind.
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CLE CLE
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Talk to the pastor of your church. If you do not have one, find one. You have been married 25 years, don't throw it away. Your wife might me just as depressed as you are. It seems like you are spinning wheels and not moving. Caught up in a clutter with no way out. Just overwhelming. But just stand back and look at what I just said. It's all trivial. Spinning wheels can be fixed and put on level ground with patience, clutter can be cleaned up (it just take time). It's not overwhelming it just take time and work. What you have to ask yourself and your wife is, are you willing to work with me to clean this relationship up, and build it into something we both can be proud of.
I don't know how you and your wife feel about adult children, but one of my best friend told me once about my adult daughter is...."I let grown folks, be grown folk". Grown folks need to be on their own. If your adult son is employed then help him get independent. |
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Mr. B
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See a counselor. YOU have to ACT, not wait for help to be sent your way. Your thinking here is cause for concern.
You also make religious references, but present an incredibly selfish, utterly non-Christian course of action, "I will be on my way."
If you are overwhelmed, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HELP FOR YOURSELF, TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH YOUR SITUATION NOT RUN AWAY FROM IT.
Your perspective and insight are naturally affected by the situation. New things can be tried, and by seeing a counselor it will help to improve how you deal with things (any change with you affects the situation and your ability to deal with it), and old methods can sometimes work when you are coping better yourself.
Stay open to Christ's teachings. Marriage is sacred. What God has joined together let no man cast asunder. Happiness together is best despite the ease of seeking it by running away. Avoid a secular counselor who will just let you feel good about walking away -- YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO CHOOSE TO STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION. THE FIRST STEP SEEMS TO BE GETTING HELP FOR YOURSELF -- not running away.
The cost of not getting help for yourself is too high. You are not powerless. Good luck and you'll be in my prayers. |
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M
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Please PRAY! You seem like a nice person and I know GOD will hear your prayer. You have been married for a long time and you want someone that you know to be spending time with you at your older age. Now you guys should be spending happy moments together with kids and grand kids. You might feel like God is listening to your prayer but God make things happen so try. |
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SoCalBlonde
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Dido on the prayer...you can't pray enough. Have you suggested or tried counseling? My spouse and I were in similiar straits not too long ago and gave counseling a final go. And so glad that I did. After 24 years together - I didn't want to throw it all away. As i'm sure you don't either.
I have a wonderful book that I would love to send to you that was given to me and helped us immensely. Email me... |
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Bernadine
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I think after 25yr of marriage you should be able to live your life with out complication. just relaxation. your kids are grown and you need to find yourself again and be with someone that will say she love you.
good luck. |
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