Married couples: Is it ok to keep in touch with your ex? And if so, does privacy exist in a marriage?

rachelesse

Of course it depends on the situation. Keeping up with your ex after you're married, in and of itself, shouldn't be considered wrong. But a lot of times, it's best to move on with the life you have, without your ex.

Two particular cases where it's best to move on are:

1. Your ex was toxic to you, and there was good reason that you're no longer together. Continuing to carry on the relationship just continues the pattern of dysfunction, which could ultimately cause serious rifts in your marriage and destabilize your own individual state of being. If you love your spouse and yourself, no ex is worth risking your marriage or personal happiness for.

2. Your spouse is desperately uncomfortable with your relationship with your ex. In traditional marriage contracts/vows, you are giving your spouse principle consideration in your life. Some people have different marital arrangements, to which this suggestion is void, but generally speaking, when you marry someone, you are also saying that they have a top priority over ex-relations. So if this is the type of arrangement you have with your spouse, it's best to honor their feelings and concerns, and end contact with past romantic partners that your spouse finds threatening.

As always, different situations require different rules and different interpretations of rules. So take the advice that's useful to you, and leave the rest.

I'm not married and don't have an ex, but I do work with children and I think it's critical to stay in touch with your ex if you have children by that person. Children need to see a friendship between you and your ex, even if it's fake.

Emanon

I wouldn't WANT to keep in touch with my ex husband and I don't really care if my husband wanted to keep in touch with his ex wife, but he doesn't. I do keep in touch with a couple of old boyfriends and it doesn't bother my husband in the least. My husband and I are extremely secure in our relationship and no jealousy exists. Neither my husband or I have children so that's not an issue, but it would be with other couples..

amy F

It's okay to say hi. Just because they are an ex doesn't mean they are the big bad wolf. There are boundries of course. Now does privacy exist in a marriage? privacy shirks to a minimal in marrage, but it's there.

Rachel

Depends on what your spouse thinks. My husband would have a conniption if I kept in touch with my ex boyfriends. He doesn't keep in touch with any of his ex girlfriends.

Yes privacy exists but it's pretty limited.

rab

I would like to say I am not married, nor am I even old enough to. I am 14. But don't judge me for that, please.

My mum and dad got divorced when I was eight. Since then, I have been observing both good and bad break-ups. My mom and dad DO NOT keep in touch because they absolutely HATE each other. It is terrible for me and my sister, because we don't get things from the other parent, we don't have enough money to buy clothes for school because one or the other parent won't cooperate, et cetera. However, my stepdad and his wife are the best of friends, and I know his wife. It's great when you can be friends with your ex, or at least keep in touch.

I think the more you keep in touch with your ex, the friendlier you will be. And, if you have kids, it will be less traumatizing for them. You'll be able to agree on things and your family will be happier. I think it is of utmost importance to keep in touch so that you don't scar your children or regret it in the future.

As for privacy, it works in an opposite way. I would guess the friendlier you are with your ex, the more they respect you. IN the case of my mum and dad, my dad's ALWAYS trying to interfere with my mum's and our lives. If you have a friendly, in-touch breakup, you can go on with whatever date you have and your ex will not feel animosity or anger or resentment towards them because he knows that you respect him as a friend and a person.

Please consider the angle I have as a kid. I think I see breakups and marriages through different eyes as adults. Hope I helped a little, Rab

beagle

Are you meaning ex boyfriend? ex husband? I think it's okay as long as you are totally up front with your mate. I'm not sure what you mean about the privacy thing though. It sounds like you asking if there should privacy in marriage in the context of keeping in touch with your ex. Not sure what you're meaning unless you're asking to totally unrelated questions here.

The problem with keeping in touch with an ex is that it can have the appearance that you're not over your ex and that can put a strain on your marriage. When kids are involved is pretty much necessary to communicate with the ex.
Regardless, you should be very clear with your husband why you want to be in touch with your ex and if he is uncomfortable with the idea then don't do it.

ADDENDUM:

Now THAT is different. You need to disclose those details before asking for opinions. After all we can't really have a "discussion" when it's basically question and answer format.

You say they're exchanging poems?? I was under the impression you were already married. Doesn't matter. I smell something going on here and I don't like it. Tell your future husband that YOU are his partner. He doesn't need this other woman to complete his life. And if he's giving her poems, what else is going on? It sounds to me like he still wants to keep one foot in the door so to speak. I wonder who broke up with who. Maybe you should find that out. But regardless, it doesn't matter. You have invested ALL of your emotions into this man and you have a lot to lose. He needs to clean up his act, realize he is devoted to you and forget having contact with this other girl. Forget everything I said earlier.

Just out of curiosity is your partner female? Because no where in your comments do you use he, she, his, or her. I found it a little difficult following your comment and question. It also sounds like many people think you are the one wanting to keep in touch with the ex. That isn't what you meant is it?

ryguy1980

it's OK but i wouldn't want to if something happened were you were unable to trust her again. And if you are married you are to share every thing with each other. why have a private live and get married. (good luck)

cisco_cantu

If you are happily married to your spouse, why are you still talking to your ex. You are just looking for trouble. Unless kids are involved there is no reason to still comunicate with an ex.

These people are your ex's for a reason.

Simply Lovely

Only if you have children together then yes. But, the conversations should be shared with the spouses as well. There are, or should be no secrets in marriage. Now, if they do not have children together, then I see no reason what so ever to talk to each other, ever. That person should remain in the past.

melouofs

I'm sure you're in a tough spot right now, and I do not envy you there. I don't necessarily see a big deal with exes keeping in touch to a degree. You know, just because someone wasn't right for you doesn't necessarily make them a bad person, so no need to burn bridges. That being said, he shouldn't be writing poems, etc, to her.

It sounds like you two have a very serious and important talk coming up. You need to tell him this could all be a deal breaker for you and that you just don't feel comfortable with this friendship.

His first loyalty should be to you--nobody else.

m249saw

i can only tell you how my marriage is. niether my wife or i keep in touch with ex's. neither of us have kids from other relationships either. and i share anything i like with my wife, she is an important part of my life and my childeren's. so to keep things from her makes our relationship harder. she trusts me and i have given her no reason to doubt that.

NorseArcher

an ex is jsut that: an EX. no reason to keep in touch unless children are involved. poems? does he still have feelings for her? if you have doubts, please do NOT get married. either work it out or end it but marriage is NOT a good idea right now. consider your time a true investment and that you learned about this guy and what you're willing to put up with and what you're not. will you always be wondering about his actions? is that any way to live in a marriage? find someone who agrees with YOUR idea of marriage. privacy can exist in a marriage but there needs to be 110% trust. one little slip and it's an up hill battle to get it back.

good luck inyour decision!

Crazy Lady

Would you be happy if you founf texts on your husbands phone from his ex ??

Jake

Well I suppose you can keep in touch with your Ex if it is just as friends or something, but I would imagine that it would be a little bit weird for your partner. And as privacy goes you don't want to keep secrets from your partner and not talk to them about things or it will cause problems. trust me

Leigh28

I know that I would be upset if my husband kept in touch with his ex.
Only if they have children together would it be ok otherwise a deffinate no no in my book.

starcat

Is there a specific reason you want to keep in touch with your ex? There's a good reason why our partners become ex's and maybe you need to remember why.

It would definitely strain the marriage if you chose to keep in touch. What's done is done and you can't go back, unless you are wanting to try again. In which case, you should get a divorce first.

Yes there is privacy in marriages, but it's up to the couple how far that privacy goes. Keeping secrets (or not telling the whole truth) is unhealthy and deceitful.

SophiaR

The fact that your fiancee is still writing poetry for the ex (!) sounds like he/she might not be over the ex yet, in which case they might not be ready to commit fully to you!

There should be no secrets in marriage - especially of this kind. The more you hide from your spouse, the farther apart you become. Commitment is both measured and strengthened by full disclosure to each other and total acceptance of each other.

I would be very concerned about the future of your relationship if your partner insists on clinging to someone they were once so connected with. There are very few reasons married people would need to contact an ex for, and since they didn't have kids, I would say it's appropriate for them to break contact.

Amigo

yes very much - but be very clear about your ex relationship with you - only friends nothing else

heyg01

Unless there are kids involved, then no, there is no good reason to keep in touch with your ex. He/she is the "ex" for a reason...

As far as privacy is concerned, then there should some level of privacy depending on what it is. Because you're married doesn't mean you lose all of your individuality...

MR GALORE

um i say notice the red flag before you get married. See once you get married it's going to be even harder to get over this. i say if you get married and its still going on you cant get mad that you did not know. i run into girls from my past all the time. i live in a small town. some i really really liked and some i didnt. If i wanted i could flirt but i choose not to because it could get you in trouble and more than that i love love my wife and she is first in my life. the past should be the past.

Barney R

It is alright to keep in touch with your ex, I mean just because you had a thing for them doesn't mean you should shun them away because the relationship didn't work.
Everyone has a secret, but not telling you spouse that you're keeping in touch with your ex is not acceptable, since if they find out, they might suspect that you're cheating.

my ex recently came into contact with me. he sent me a message just saying hi and etc. my husband's ex has actually done the same, she even congratulated us on our wedding!

i do think it's okay to keep in contact (rare contact), it is not okay to try and hide it or to not be open about it! that's when things start to look suspicious.

my husband and i have each discussed what our ex's said and what we sent back. we even know each others passwords if we ever felt the need the check!

BobbiBlu

the only reason I am in contact with my ex is because we have a child together....other than that....I think it is wrong.

Tarina

I would say no. There is a reason ur ex's and also. it gives your spouse doubts/trust issues/questions about if you are over the ex. And it really is not worth it.

there should be privacy in a marriage but this is NOT something to hide from your husband/wife.

If you want to talk with you ex then you should run it by your husband.

becasue even I get the impression that there is more to it then just talking.. becasue the privacy issue came up.

if there is nothing going on then there should be no reason to keep it hidden.

Haley :)

no, privacy does not exist in a marriage.

profcxs33

Keeping in touch with an ex is okay if they were friends before being together and if they parted on good terms; and are both in a serious relationship with other people... but writing poems... HELL NO!

Privacy in a marriage? Yes, to a point... open communication is key to a successfull marriage... sometimes it takes time to communicate everything though.

The Mrs.

No it is not ok. There is some privacy in marriage, when I or my husband is using the bathroom, we let the other be. That is about it. Ex's are off limits. I think you should be asking yourself, what could you possibly want to talk about or do with your ex more than you would with your husband?

childrenrthefuture

No and no. Once you decide to give your life to someone you do just that, let the ex go. And why would you want privacy in a marriage, and does this privacy have to do with the ex. Sounds like you weren't quite ready for marriage. Again...no and no.
Writing poems to his ex? That would be unacceptable for me, that would tell me there is still something going on there.

rbailey1478

hell no its not ok unless you have young children with him and only for that reason. because if the children are 18 and over deal with the child hes grown not you ex.

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