Married men and women please?

Cherie

My husband and I went through a communications class called Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). In the class we learned the speaker/listener technique. It's so hard to be a listener though cause when your spouse is telling you what's bothering them usually you're on defense so they gave everyone a card. The person who is holding the card has the floor and it's their time to speak. There are rules though:

Rules for the Speaker:
-Speak for yourself, don't mindread! (say what you think and feel, not what your partner thinks and feels)
-Keep statements brief. Don't go on and on. (It's hard for the listener to stay focused when you're going on and on about everything)
-Stop to let the listener paraphrase.

Rules for the Listener:
-Paraphrase what you hear. (So, what you're saying is...)
-Focus on the speaker's message. Don't rebut (This is the hardest for me)

Rules for Both:
-The Speaker has the floor.
-Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
-Share the floor

The most important thing is to cover one topic at a time. Come up with some ground rules, such as when an argument is escalating call a time out (but where there's a time out there has to be a time in). Remember this is problem-discussion not problem-solution. The best thing for a couple to do to solve a problem is to brainstorm together. Hope this helps, if you need any more information feel free to e-mail me!

racingcowboy58

My wife and I agree to step back from the issue and return to it when we've calmed down. Thankfully, we have very few arguements because we respect each other's opinions.

kwanyin_mama

it's never been easy for us.

i try to remember that my husband is my best friend and i don't want to hurt his feelings, even when i'm furious and want to say cruel things (even if they're true.)

it takes practice.

being able to bite your tongue for a minute and re-think how you want to say something works well as an immediate coping technique.

if you find yourself getting upset, take a step back and come back to the conversation later, if your husband will let you.

"how do you get your point across without sounding ... judgemental?"

start off by not judging in the first place. (yeah, i know - as if.)

just some thoughts.

brighteyes_616

If you get into an argument just walk away, cool off, then when you are both calm sit down and talk like adults. If you keep on firing at each other then you will say hurtful things and it will just get worse

misydoll

You need to make sure you each give each other time to say what they want to say. Sometimes you might need to go into the other room and cool down. Sometimes its nice to think about what was said and come back later and say "I thought about it and this is what I think". Good luck.

kheserthorpe

If you're open to it, a few counselling sessions might be a good idea - not to try to solve your small problems, but just to practice communication techniques that will last you a lifetime.

Tom-A-S-S

Ya got to learn to forgive and to let a fight die.

Alaska

Take turns talking and don't interrupt. That way both people get their side out completely without being stopped. Disagreements are not calm things so someone may get upset. Just make sure when one is talking the other one is listening. Open communication and sharing feelings without judging the other is the most important thing.

hodgesandguy

Stay calm first of all. When you get heated the argument does also. Being calm will allow the both of you to talk and get your points across and come to an conclusion. You can even let him talk first and when he finish say "ok, can I speak now, you said what you had to say." Just remember to stay calm. When its over, kiss him on the jaw or something to assure him everything is ok, it was only a disagreement. It can be hard but it worth it because all the arguring can threaten the marriage. Good luck.

latina lover

don't argue when you are both heated up. Just wait till both of you calm down and try talking and letting him know how you feel about the subject and what bothers you about it. when you are done, then let him get his point across without interrupting.

Don't be afraid of telling anything that is on your mind, just let it out he is your husband and hiding feelings or comments can back0fire and make things worse.

good luck.

evilposterchild

When you are angry, it is best for you both to walk away for a few minutes. It is best to realize that you are two different people with your own beliefs and that if you are going to make it together, you have to respect the others right to believe as they do as you expect them to respect your beliefs. If this is not possible then you are in real trouble.

Burhan

Sitting down and talking it through is the best option counseling should be the last resort but you need to see why he is not understanding your point or what is his point and then come up with the strategy, Best way is use love and make him feel loved and then talk it should help.

ken401lam

speak your mind out

E-Male

when you have a problem , never use the other person as the problem, never say "you" when you turn from the problem to the other person , you are attacking the person and not the problem.

Robert A

When things are not hot and heavy, agree to stop the argument at once until cooler heads prevail. at first it is hard to do, but, with practice it becomes easier. but always remember to direct your anger at "it", not your spouse.

The wife

sit down and talk. the best thing you can do in a disagreement is stay calm and talk it out. even if it takes all night. if you feel that you are lossing control step ouot of the room for a minute, then come back when you are calm. that always works for me.

closed

We have had to learn how to fight nice, if that makes sense....We have learned how to give each other the respect in having our own opinion... that's hard because all of us want each other to see things our way... but we are different and do not always think the same... For some reason we need our voices heard whether we are right or wrong....We have tried by giving each other the consideration that ourselves expect in return and it seems to work.... sometimes it's also best to discuss the problem when you cool down, then you can talk civil and think more clear.... Face it, it takes two to want to work out a relationship, so both have to give , not just one.....

souljagirpart2

Just be sure and explain your thoughts as clearly and calmly as you can and be very candid, it also helps not to be closed minded to the others point of view! Lastly, know when to leave it alone sometimes it's better to just let it go, this is your life partner you have already proved yourself to them because they chose you among any other persons they could have had and it'll get you far!

1001Questions

back off and cool down for 48 hours first, then if it is still worth arguing, do it gentlely.

zephlove330

THE POINT OF A MARRIAGE IS BEING WITH YOU SOUL MATE YOU MARRY THIS PERSON BECAUSE HE OR SHE IS A LOT LIKE YOU YOU TWO BECOME AS ONE. YES YOU WILL GO ON A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE .SOMETIMES TOGETHER SOMETIMES ALONE .. BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS SAY THIS ABOUT YOUR MATE THEY ARE ALL WAYS THERE WHEN YOU REALLY NEED THEM.....

hewesdilg

Just sit down one day and give each other a chance to get everything out. Everyone has arrguments, especially in their first 2 years. Because you are still getting to know each other. But once you have been married for along time you start to know what each other feels and will feel about everything without haveing to diccuss it with them. So arguments then become alot less. Just hang in their and try to bring up good things about the both of you when time seem like they are getting rough.

mrssmokestack003

I have been married to my second husband for 4yrs.He and I have a great relationship.I think it is because we are also best friends.We have arguments,yes,and sometimes they are mostly over being stressed out over other issues.Like children...parents...employees..Usually our stress is not caused by each other,just tends to make us ill with each other.OOK...We try to be understanding.If we know the other is upset,we make it a point to ask.."Are you angry at ME? Or am I catching someone else's crap??"Then we talk about what the real problem is.And if we have hurt the other because we were upset about something else..We Appologize.It sometimes takes alot of patience.Sometimes the outside world can wreak havoc on what is actually a Great Marriage.Make time for each other.Even if you two have to be selfish by going somewhere that yall can shut out the rest of the world.That is what it takes sometimes.You stated that you two are willing to go to counseling...Well,that tells me that yall REALLY want this to work...I believe it will.Just hang in there.And ALWAYS make your marriage your top priority.Good Luck! Take Care..(of each other) God Bless!

Doll

My husband & I have a very difficult time when it comes to arguments. We are both very passionate people. We have finally after almost 10 years realized that we don't have to hate each other in order to disagree. We now give each other time to cool off when things get heated, and then later we talk about it. It took lots of changing for both of us. The thing is, we both love each other so much, and hate it when the other one is mad. We had to agree that we can be mad and still love each other. We can argue and still be in love. We have learned to talk, though sometimes it takes several days. We no longer act like spoiled children with each other. It is good to know that we can be on opposite ends and still be connected.

married2004

My hubby & I had a really bad argument a couple years ago and we both said things that we both regretted. It almost ruined our relationship. It was after that fight that we came up with "rules" for aguing.

1. We try to only argue about the subject at hand. No bringing in old arguments or issues that we haven't bothered to tell each other.
2. Don't hit below the belt. Name calling and insulting each other is not necessary, no matter how angry we get.
3. Try to take a deep breath before responding to any accusations. Sometimes the few seconds give us enough time to be a little less reactionary.
4. Never try to resolve the issue while emotions are heightend. Hubby & I both recognize that in order to resolve the issue, it's important to try and be somewhat logical and be able to think clearly.
5. As best we can we try to actively listen to each other and allow each other to make our full point, in other words, we try not to interrupt each other.

Many times, we just need to get away from each other to clear our heads before getting back together to try and talk rationally about the issue.

My hubby & I work very hard on communicating, even through arguments. We came up with these rules and it is working so far. All our recent arguments have all resulted in us taking positive steps in furthing our relationship.

t_perez1199

i think the best way to get everything off of your chest is to sit down with your husband and talk one at a time - when he is talking (even if you don't agree) let him finish. When he's done then its your turn and you can address your concerns or issues. Its hard to stay calm during an argument especially when you feel like you are right - thats why you should just talk one at a time. people have many different ways to communicate if this doesn't work for you then try something else until you find what suites you. if nothing works - counseling may be best. good luck!

ShineOnYouCrazyDiamond

My husband and I have issues similar to yours from time to time. We just have to sit down, and take turns speaking, and listening. We break every sentence down to it's pure meaning, so that there are no misunderstandings. And, on some issues, we find that it's not even worth discussing, as long as we both understand what can be done to ensure that our relationship remains strong.

mrs.amberj

We had these problems at the beginning, we decided to talk out what was bugging eachother about when we do argue. We both thought the other person wasnt hearing our side of the argument, So...now when we argue we have "rules"
1. we dont try and talk over the other person
2. if one person needs a "time out" from the argument; the other person has to give them that right. the argument can continue later if needed.
3. we respect eachothers opinions

usually if we follow our 3 "rules" we dont get in as many fights and they dont last long at all..

hope this helps :)

jonny

the main thing is respect. Both have to respect each other's opinion and to listen to each one another. Imagine you have a disagreement with a friend, would you yell or berate that person, or would you listen politely and respond in kind? Have patience and listen "actively", but he has to do the same thing or it won't work.

radnimar

It's not easy. It's something you have to work on. You have to change habits and it won't be over night. I don't know what your faith is, but this seems to work alright. When you feel yourself getting upset in a conversation try talking to them as if there was a child in the room. This way you probably wouldn't yell. As a Christian I try to think of how I would talk to Jesus. Also try not to have any distractions for example the television. State your concerns without attacking your partner. Be ready to accept any responsibility on your part for the situation. Talk to your partner like you want to be talked to.

harmony

we hardly fight. (knock on wood). we always calmly listen to one another and accept the point of view from each side. we don't raise voices; it's just pointless. arguing is like debating. you have to have full control of your emotion and know what to say and when to say. jokes will also break the tension. i can't tell you how to argue. i need to know what's the fighting is all about first.

aloneinyourinsanity

I have been married for 12 years. My suggestion would be not to try and get your point across when your angry. People say and do things they dont mean when they get very angry. I think it is better left until kids go to bed, or later on that day or evening when both have had a chance to settle down to talk it out. People dont hear you or even themselves when they are all worked up. When my husband makes me really mad or upset this is what I say " I know this is something that you and I need to sit down and talk about, but right now I am very angry and need a little while to cool off and think about what just happened here"

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: