Married to a former abuse victim question?

You cannot fix someone else. She has to come to certain realizations herself.

A lot depends, too, on how the relationship with the abuser ended. Did she eventually see the relationship objectively, get fed up, emotionally strong and decide to stand up for herself or was that done by someone else on her behalf?

If she stood up for herself, then it's likely that she'd more emotionally balanced in her next relationship.

EagleWatcher

My wife is a victim of abuse from her two previous husbands.
1) physical
2) verbal mostly
Then I was smart enough to ask for her hand in marriage. Yes, there are times that I have to remind her that I am not.....
And that's okay, because I have my baggage as well.
If you think that she will not have to deal with yours, YOU ARE OH SO WRONG!
Patience, understanding, communication, love, trust, faith, compassion all these are needed in ANY relationship.
My first thought was "If you have to ask, it's already over".
Think about it. You are asking how to fix her. That means she is broke. Sad.
I will leave you with this thought:
"Those that mind, they don't matter while those that matter, they don't mind".

Alloy Boy

In my opinion it's best to avoid them if you sense there is still some residual issues from abuse, and you can't "fix" anybody, people have to fix themselves. I've dated a few women that have has shaky upbringings no matter how hard they tried they were permanently shaped by their upbringings. I made the decision that it would be better for me to find a healthier woman and moved on. In my opinion, you should find a healthy woman too.

momof2

you can not 'fix" this person, and she can not fix herself without counseling. it doesn't matter if the abuse is current or happened years ago, no one can just fix how they are. you also may need to go to counseling to learn how to deal with her and her moods.

olddog

My wife was in that situation for 20 years and had 3 kids. She finally got out.
We will be together 6 years this Oct.. Married 5. She still tells her folks and others that I have been very good in helping her. Ya just gotta be on your game. Love and try to understand. But LISTEN.

ladybug

been there.
7 years and broke jaw, nose, shot at, stabbed, knocked out, and beaten. and i got over it. Its hard and it takes a strong person to help you through it.The one who abused me is now dead. My husband (now)knew about my past before we were married and yet he is still here.He respects me and loves me no matter what. I would say it takes time but i guess if you are not strong enough to stick by them then it should be easy to walk away. Women need someone in their lives who can stick by them in times like this and realize that it is going to take time and let her know your there.

General Custer

It's like getting an abused dog. They may never get over it and only a special person should take on the responsibility.

Jade M

Speaking as a former abuse victim, relationships can work out. I was in an abusive relationship for four years. We were not married and we had no children together. When I finally left, he was out of my life for good.

I never had commitment issues but I do recall that I had a quirky flinching reflex if someone raised their voice to me. This only lasted for awhile. It does take time to heal but it doesn't have to be a forever thing. My quirky behavior stopped when I realized that my new partner would never physically hurt me for any reason.

As someone else already said, you can't fix them. They have to realize that there is something that needs fixing and they have to figure it out for themselves.

gem

You can't just "fix" people. It does take time. they need that time to start to trust again. They also need counseling.

franfifi@sbcglobal.net

I think you have a point, I guess it is according to how much you like this person if you can put up with her problems or not.

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