My Husband Is Asking Me WAy too Much, What Should I About It?

Jason O

Be blunt. Men don't get hints very well so if you want to be clear you must be blunt to the point he will probably get mad for a little while but he and his ex will just have to get over it. Like you said you advised both of them to start saving for college. Lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on yours.

Father Sun

Stick to your kid - and consider that your husband is being selfish and unfair.

Aries

NO...that is not ur responsibility! tell him that money is for your child! THE END! let him get pissed off... besides...his daughter is 19... she can work part time and go to school and apply for financial aid. Don't give him YOUR hard earned money!

rob

don't borrow and don't give!
look out for yourself first!
thousands of kids, including me, go through college on student loans. maybe you can help them out by buying their books.
its only a few hundred dollars a semester, but helps so much.

RAVEN

your father built up the business for you and your children, not your husbands mooching ex and daughter, you work hard to send your son to private school

let the stepdaughter put herself through college, loads of kids manage it without sponging off others if their parents cant help

jeez they want it on a plate
good for you for working so hard for your son

kerzain

You need to make it clear to him that you love your own daughter more than his, and that the 19 year old is not your responsibility. She is an adult now and needs to take responsibility for herself without daddy rushing in to save the day every time she finds herself unprepared in life.

alialoggi

Good for you! You are financially responsible because you made good decisions. Don't let him (financially irresponsible) change your plans for you. If yours isn't a good example of the "Ant & the Grasshopper" story, I don't know whose is! Take care of your own. Stand your ground. Good luck!

lefty6977

You want to be supportive of your husband, but it's between him and his ex-wife to support their own childrens needs, not yours, especially borrowing money against your business.....Good Luck !!

Crystal LeeAnn

OUCH! Toughy! I agree with you on not borrowing against that business. Perhaps he has some collateral that he could borrow against. Or, maybe she does and they can share that bill. If I were you, I would put that 10k somewhere in someone else name or he can get his hands on it and take it without your permission. It is his too, you know. Is there a brother or sister you trust that you can put their name on it?

tony

Don't do it your husband and his ex wife should of saved and listened to you when you were asking them to save for the kids. ALAWAYS PUT YOUR CHILD 1ST. His child has 2parents if you don't do what is right for your child no one else will.

hipzncurvz

uh, hell no!!!!!!! dont let him bully you. your husband and his ex should be responsible for that. I understand you and him are married but it doesnt sound like either one of them have prepared themselves,, so why should all the burden fall on you. they better have her apply for financial aid and look into community colleges... u have been the responsible parent. dont let him mess up your business nor your sons college fund....

accentedflirt

Tell your hubby to get a second job or a student loan and send his child to college...or take a flying leap to hell. Providing for his child's education is his responsibly, not yours.

867-530Ni-ee-yi-ee-ine

That is HIS daughter, not yours. It is sad that that girl cannot go to college because of her parents' irresponsibility. It is not your job to pick up their slack, especially if you have saved that money for YOUR child. Normally, in step-child cases, I get mad when people don't treat step-children as their own, but this is entirely different. He should have worked on providing more for his daughter, instead of expecting you to do it at the last minute. Tell him, straight-up, NO.

penelope

Do not do this, your feelings and thoughts regarding the economy are right, this is no time to be spending money that you may need later on down the road on someone else's dreams, as her dreams may later on become a major nightmare in your life. She can either find other ways of paying for tuition, or get a job and pay for it herself. Listen, our economy is going to get way worse prior to getting better, you may see things that you never thought would happen, so prepare yourself, don't spend money that you don't have on someone else's kid, at this point I'd question doing this for my own child, much less my husband's kid. I would tell him bluntly and firmly, no, you will not pay for his daughters college, going to college is not a right, it is a privilege so therefore your husband has no right in demanding money when times are tough on a privilege. Start tightening up your wallet, or you may regret it.

Aimee B

I would absolutely not lend them the money. There are far too many programs to give students loans and grants for anyone to have a need to borrow money from other sources.

Explain to him that this could be a good lesson for his daughter. If you want something you have to plan for it. She can find grants and loans that she can apply for. If she's in the US there are many many programs designed to help her. Check into scholarships, anything that lessens the cost of school.

I would simply explain to him that raiding my son's college fund is not an option at this point. If pushed to why I would tell him that I felt he had no intention of replacing the money based on his lack of saving for his own child's college.

You cannot be held responsible for the fact that he and his ex refused or were unable to set aside money for their daughter to attend college. And lets be honest, you don't have to be handed the money to attend college. Many people work their way through school and do whatever they can to pay tuition.

It means more to the student if they are footing the bill for tuition themselves.

The bottom line is your son's college fund is off limits, but be willing to help them find other solutions.

mom of 4 girls

You are in the right. You should not borrow money for his child, you can contribute to the funding by suggesting financial aid or scholarships. You were wise and saved for you child, and have provided a good future for your daughter. Your step-daughter is an adult and you have no financial responsibility to her, your husband and his ex should have planned and saved as you have for your daughter. Do not feel bad about telling him NO! He should understand that you have provided a great start for your daughter and he should have been wise enough to save for his other children. You are a great mother to have saved for your child's future and your husband should understand. You should simply tell him that you told them both to save and he didn't listen, and it is not your responsibility to pick up their slack.

imarockstar

don't do it. seriously. Although he is your husband, and she is your step daughter, she has "parents". Actually she has 3 or 4 parents if his ex is re-married. That is just something he and his ex are going to have to sort out. Your youngest daughter will need to go to college someday too. And if the economy is as bad as it is now, who's to say you'll have the money? Tell him to tell his daughter to apply for some finiancial aid through the school she wants to go through. That's the best thing kids can do these days anyway. Also, you may want to offer to pay for 1/2 or 1/4 of it. considering she already has a mom & a dad.

Sparkle062510

I actually answered a question exactly like this about a month or two ago from a guy who was talking about his college-age child and asking his current wife for money to put her through school because the mother of his first child wasn't responsible and he didn't have any...check back in my answers for this question...it's literally the exact same scenario...only this 2nd wife was a college professor I believe...
Anyways, we all told him to not drag his new wife into it, that it technically wasn't her responsibility to pay for a child that wasn't hers. And, I still stand true to that statement. You sound like you have your sh*t together, and you are doing everything you can as a responsible parent would for your own child. The fact that you are holding your own business together speaks wonders.
Maybe if you talked to him and asked him to come up with answers to these questions:
1. What is his plan if for whatever reason you weren't able to afford payments on this loan?
2. What would he do to replenish the family savings (10k) if you were to deplete it now?
3. Why can't he take out a loan in his own name?

...or better yet, why not maybe have the daughter apply for financial aid...and then maybe you guys could work out paying the difference...this way yes you are helping and he'll appreciate it, but at the same time you're not draining your savings, and most importantly, you're leaving your business out of it!

See if he can somehow work with those questions...and hey, if he can come up with an answer...maybe something will work out that will put the distress of money to rest.

Good luck!

rencar32002

Sit down with your husband and his daughter and if possible his ex. Inform them about financial aid. Also to look into scholarships. Tell your husband that his daughter can apply for the financial aid and she herself can pay it in payments. Other people do it. And it can help her be more independent and realize what the real world is really about. Good luck this isn't easy. But I wouldn't borrow against anything. This is something that him and his ex and his daughter need to deal with. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are not going to be able to get out of.

bayou_babe1111

you need to let him know that you really resent him even asking you to do that. tell him you want the daughter to get a college education, but not at your expense. the daughter can get loans in her own name, with her parents as co-signers if necessary, and they can make arrangements with her for whatever payback they would like. ask him if he's gonna ask his exwife for college $ for the 7 yr old.

Jeremy F

Just tell him no, and stick to it. Did you have a conversation with him years ago about why you were saving that money? There are many ways for his daughter to pay for college - such as loans. Help him get started with that, instead!

lisa m

I'm glad you wouldn't think of switching schools for your child. Your husband feels guilt for not being there to raise his daughter. Every absent parent feels that way. Lovingly tell him that what he is asking is not an option andfor him to let go of the guilt. maybe you could help her by getting her a cheap car, letting her stay with you while she starts off at a community college for 2 years.(that's what i did, and then transferred, and payed for it myself) helping her get loans and books.

Aimes

Why don't they take out student loans? They are low interest and the parents can pay them back for the child.

That's what my parents did. They had a college fund set up for my brother and I, but in the 90's when my dad was laid off they chose to take that money and pay off their house and help until my dad found another job. when we went to college my parents took out student loans in my name and paid them off immediately.

I wouldn't use your college fund money for your son on your step daughter unless BOTH parents plan on reimbursing you for it.

I have personally set up a college fund for my stepson and I put money in it every month for him because I beleive college is important and want to make sure he has a chance to go no matter what *his* parents save for him.

Gee

I think it is inappropriate for him to ask you to "borrow" money against your small business to pay for his other child from a previous marriage (and it isn't the smartest thing to do from a business stand point when the economy is shrinking).

It is also inappopriate for him for him to want the money shifted from the 7 year old to his 19 year old daughter from a previous marriage. The $10,000 was a combination of money you both earned during this marriage (possibly even primarily coming from YOUR earnings) and its wrong for him to demand that YOU give his daughter your cash.

As to the private school, well he might be appopriate in asking you to take him out of private school if your combined income can't afford your current bills if he decides to pay for his 19 year olds education (if there are no other means, such as student loans). Regardless of if he should have been saving, he didn't. The 19 year old shouldn't be punished because of it.

However, it shouldn't really be necessary with student loans, scholarships, grants & your step-daughter working a part time job (hell, should could also join the military for 4 years..serve her country and than get the GI Bill). Thats in addition that she doesn't need to go to an out of State College nor does she need to spend her freshman, sophmore year at a State University. A community college close by is more than enough to start your college education. English Comp & Rhet, Algebra etc. is pretty much all the same no matter where it is taught.

Beatngu

Well, there are grants and such out there... and student loans.... I say both parents should split the cost and send her.....

But, then again, that is just me....

I have started funds for both of my kids who are 5 & 3... They may not be able to pay cash for Harvard or some where like that.... but it'll be more than enough to cover for 4 years at a jr. college to cover most of the basic courses they'll need.... and then some....

Its like the grasshopper and the ant... I'm sure you know the fable... That may actually spark a fight, but why should your 7 year old be taken out of her school, all because neither parent prepared for they knew was coming.... It is better to be prepared and not need it.... than to need it and not have been prepared...

OH, and DON'T borrow against the small business... what if an emergency came up? What would you do then if you were fully strapped for money.... fully tapped on everything??

Zaferus

Go pick up the story of the little red hen. It may sound ridiculous but this is the true life example of that. Him and his ex refused to save or listen to you now they expect you to give them your hard earned "bread".

You are very wise not to budge on this.

Dawn S

It seems like your husband is in a tough situation and he is looking to you for support. It is a difficult situation but you are definitely not in the wrong for not wanting to help out. Talk with him about it and make sure not to yell or judge. Tell him how you feel about the situation but keep in mind that he's probably worried about his daughter's future and kicking himself for not being prepared. I don't believe a kid needs to go to a private school until highschool, which is where academics really kick in. Try compromising, take your child out of private school until the 7yr old is in highschool and put some of that savings into the daughters college and the rest into your 7yr olds college fund. Each child is benifiting and your not taking full responsiblity for the 19yr old since there will definately be more expenses than some of that private school tuition will pay.

sightseer

Just tell him that is extremely unreasonable, and you do not feel comfortable doing it, and won't. You cannot hock your business for that.
If they are looking for a loan - they need to do the student loan thing.

He should not be so pushy

bogeyforever

Yeah, I've been through something similar.
My husband was married before and has 3 children. I met him when he was just finalizing his divorce. Him and his wife hadn't saved ANY money towards their children's future college. The oldest was 11/12 and the youngest 5.
When we married and had a child together I set up mutual funds for 3 (including my child...his oldest daughter was already doing her own thing) of the kids. I put him as the co-owner on his two kids accounts and I on my daughters.
We added money automatically every month. It didn't entirely pay for college but it did help.
BTW- we payed child support to the wife and it had to be increased every year and I would mention the wife should contribute some and I'd up the automatic deposit to her two kids accounts. She NEVER wanted to do that.
Now the kids graduate this next year and she basically never paid for much. It is exasperating !

My advice to you is: You saved the money for your 7 year old daughter. That is HER money ! He should have thought about that before...I know it sounds harsh but that's why they have student loans and community colleges which are cheaper. Plus, she could work her way through college like I did and my husband did.

Fail to plan...Plan to fail.

If your husband wants to pay for all of his daughters schooling maybe he can find a part time job to supplement or she needs to work to do it.

jk1967

tell him u'd like too help but if the girls wants too go too college she needs too borrow the money herself that will motivate her too get good grades and not too go there just too party. then if she drops out then loans are her deal and that is part of life right we learn from our mistakes and if the hubby has a problem with that tell him maybe he need too pick up a partime job too help her out.

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