My bf's past has just come out and I'm torn and undecided...?

prrfect

you did your homework and unfortunately found out the awful truth...people can learn and grow from their mistakes and although he is capable of it, it doesn't necessarily mean he will do the same to you...people can get confused from time to time and don't think before they act - please don't think i'm trying to justify what he did but he was in a different place in his life then and whatever happened before the two of you started dating really isn't your business...some people do learn and grow from their mistakes and i'm sure you have done at least one thing in life that you were ashamed and embarassed of and knew was a mistake and would change or not do if you could...

what you really need to figure out is if what you feel for him and your relationship is worth saving...if you decide it is then honestly only time will help heal your wounds and although you will be able to trust him to an extent again there will always be a question mark in the back of your head...good luck

sunbun

first of all---you need to appreciate his honesty...when you sat him down he answered you honestly..

2nd all of this was "before your time" so who cares what he did.

3rd he did not break his vow of marriage SHE DID...

4th either accept that this is something that happened BEFORE your time and you cannot change the past or MOVE ON and foreget about him....only you can decide

Jenna W

Well you cant just go asuming just because you heard stuff. i mean thats what usally hurts relationships. You need to chill not in less you have heard if frome one of them. Okay just chill

pierre c

thats before he even met you. Why are you making such a big deal of it.. what if you have some past that you try to forget and he dug it out and slap it in your face. While you are trying to forget and forgive yourself by acting friendely and he keeps bringing it up. how would you feel ?
i think it looks like he would like to forgive himself for the past and you should (as his gf) help him toward that ..or else you don't truely love him

LimeyinAmerica

The big thing here is "A year ago", you two were not together a year ago so it really has nothing to do with you. Everyone has a past and I'm sure yours isn't perfect either, so let it go and enjoy what you have now.

LilSunbeam

Remain friends and nothing more. It's not worth it, you will always wonder when he's late coming home or he has a meeting out of town or has a new gal at work that he talks to and so on. The trust is gone, you see what his character is and you should just move on before you get more deeply involved.

Michelle

Well, at least you know it was before you. It isn't uncommon for people to cheat when they are married and there isn't a shortage of men or women to participate. It's not the best aspect of his personality or past I am sure, but it's not like you found out he has a record for rape. I wouldn't hang out with her so much anymore. I am sure that you knowing their dirty little secret isn't going to sit well with either of them. As for the husband, If there are kids involved I would keep your mouth shut. Why destroy a family over something that had nothing to do with you at the time. Sounds to me like they made a mistake and know it. You just need to decide if you are willing to keep his and her secret and still be friends with them. As for your man. He didn't tell you because he knew what you would think of him. Go with your gut instinct about your relationship.

Valerie X

Frankly, from here on out, I would be mighty uncomfortable around this woman.

She has proved herself capable of deception and betrayel. I just do not think I could trust her around my man.

I wish I could offer up some good advice better than the stale old "stay away from her" but quite honestly, the both of you will have to, to even begin to move past this.

Good luck to you. I know he didn't cheat on you, but I can see why you are upset. Even though your boyfriend wasn't married, he KNEW she was, and he took part in helping her cheat on her husband. So that kind of gives good example to where his morals lie.

isla

i think your bf and his ex-lover had moved on if not they're probably still together. maybe they both realize that what they've been doing was wrong. give your bf a break, cut him some slack.

the_orc_1

look this guy made a mistake before you came along so whats the deal he wasnt proud of it and wanted it to go away and you found out which makes him feel worse than he did to start with and they are still friends now which means that they arent intimate anymore which is good news the past should be dropped and if you cant get past something that happened in the past what do you do now what if he got pissed because of an old bf of yours there isnt any difference now is there as always listen to your gut feeling and trust but verify everything but if it were me i would not give it another thought it has already taken enough of your time away from each other you have given it its 15 minutes now forget it hon and lead a happy life

â™¥Martini Shakeâ™¥

You should confront the woman and ask her straight up when was the last time is happened and how long has it been going on. You need to either accept this and work it out with your boyfriend or move on. It's his past and will always be there.

GO CAVS!

I was going to say that the past is the past and thats where it should stay, however after reading this, it doesnt seem like this is a "past" issue , more like the "present". If you stay with him you may be in for a world of hurt down the road. You havent been together that long and he has already damaged your trust in him. It will never be the same now. I say move on. Once a homewrecker always a homewrecker....

Beth T

He made a mistake before he met you. He shouldn't expect you to be comfortable around her. But everyone makes mistakes and everyone has a past. I've done things that I knew were wrong and I have learned from them. Maybe he has learned also.

jtbrick1208

You need to find out the whole story. Short answer.....yes it's possible that they both know it's a huge mistake & it shoudn't or wouldn't happen again.

Without the whole story of their affair......I couldn't tell you how to proceed.

melissanoelle11

Wow! Well I don't blame you for being upset with him but you have to remember everyone has a past (whether they are proud of it or not) and most people learn from their mistakes. I've been in the same situation and it's not my proudest moments but I did learn from them but You need to decide if you think it's worth it to try to get through this.

lady

this is an easy one, he did it once and continues to keep her in his life, there is a connection there between them, your never gonna look at her the same and the husband has a right to know, they are playing with yours and the husbands lives. he was deceving you and now he is deceving the husband, do you think the husband is gonna want your boyfriend to reamin friends with his wife. and do you think you don't have that same right.. do you think you should let him remain freinds with a woman he had an affair with,, time for the ultimatium. he can't be friends with a woman he slept with, and continue to be your boyfriend and this woman can't be friends with a man she slept with the husband not know.. that's is not fair to either one of you. so it's time for him to either clear the air and tell the husband or call the friendship with the two off, he would have to do this anyway in order for you two go on and work through your own problems..something has to come to a stop, i guess what it really boils down to is what is most important in his life, his realationship with you or her and his deception towards the husband. really it all comes down to where your boyfriends morals lie.. does he love you more than his friendship with her. i think you need to comfront her and tell her what you know and she also has a choice, but either way the husband has a right to know and someone needs to man up and tell him or they need to all just get out of your life because i think you deserve better than to be brought into the middle of everyones lies. and now you will be lying to that poor husband and he doesn't deserve that..i hope he makes the right decision and kills the friendship with her and changes his job, if he really loves you i think he will do whatever it take to make things between you two good again. but stand your ground, don't sacriface your morals and your better judgement for anyone, because before you know it you will look in the mirror and not know the woman in the mirror good luck

Zenthae

Ok I know this is extremely soon to be thinking about it. But I think its the best thing to ask yourself right now.

Would you be able to marry him knowing this? If not, walk away, before your heart gets any deeper into the relationship. It will eat you up, if you cant get over it. And even if you do marry and your not over it, it will effect the relationship.

Your not a bad person for letting the past come back to haunt you. You cant deny your feelings. Its best to be honest with them at the beginning.

Amber L

Honestly, you have to let the past stay the past. People let their libido get the better of them. There's a good reason why they stopped their affair and it's probably because they got a grip on themselves. They know what they did was wrong and they probably didn't want to hurt her husband. The reasons he hadn't said anything and still hung out with her and her husbands are a.) The husband is still his friend and he still wants to hang out with him and b.) They decided that what they did was a mistake and wanted to bury the past and move on with their lives...which is exactly what you should do.

He hasn't cheated on you, he's not going to cheat on you, you love each other and frankly, what he did with her before you is not your concern, whether she's married or not. It had nothing to do with you then and it has nothing to do with you now. I say stick it out with him, work past this and get on with your life together. My fiance broke my trust several times even after he promised he wouldn't anymore...thankfully we love each other and we were able to work through it. Good luck.

P.S. I wouldn't tell her husband, it's not your place, it has nothing to do with you and it's over. It's their problem, not yours.

TAS

He didnt cheat on you and the past is the past. You were not in his life when this happened, and there may be some issues that you dont know about. You need to by honest with him that it bothers you. If you do stay with him, I would put my foot down about hanging out with this couple, that's just a little to much. But when all else fails, trust your gut feelling. It's working very well for you!!

Really now

I'm answering you from the perspective of the female friend because that is what I once was. Note I said WAS...I am now his wife. If your man insists on having a relationship with this woman, your relationship is in danger. My husband and I had once dated and broke up. We both went on to marry other people, but remained strictly friends. When our marriages broke up ten years apart and in no part due to our friendship...We found ourselves back together. You should be concerned that this woman is so willing to step outside her marriage and your bf has a habit of lying by omission.
Having that woman as an ever present temptation for your bf in your life is going to be difficult. Are you willing to trust your bf when he says it will never happen again? If not, you need to move on. My husband and I did not cheat physically or emotionally on our spouses, but knowing the other was probably an option made leaving easier.

Daphne F

Honestly, I think that this is a decision that has to be made by you and you alone. You are the best judge of how you feel, and me nor anyone else on here can tell you what to do. What I suggest is this,,,you love him for a reason,,,you want to be committed to him for a reason, and don't let go of that, what he did was wrong, but it takes two people, and for what ever purpose, it happened, and hasn't happened again. They were both searching for something, and thought they had found it in each other, and realized they did not.....and what he found was YOU!!! I think that this was in his past, and maybe they can be just friends, and let it go,,,but at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that he was HONEST with you, and she still has been dishonest with her husband,,,therefore, I probably would not trust her a whole lot,,,but maybe she has also realized her mistake, and wants to be with her husband,,,and just can't bring her self to tell him,,but that has to also be her choice, and not your's,,,,and just know that it was his past and not his present with you, or his future,,,,and know that if someone can lie once,,,,they can lie twice,,,don't hold it against him this time, but I would make it clear to him that when you ask him a question,,,you deserve the truth, and not to be lied to wether it be about his past or his future,,,and I do think everyone deserves a second chance, it is how they appreciate that 2nd chance that matters. and If you feel like he is still connected to her somehow,,,then I would move on.

But like I said, It has to be your decision and I do honestly wish you the best of luck, because it is hard, to feel like you have been thinking one way about someone, and find out their another way.....but don't let your heart tell you what to do,,,listen to your head,,,,

Daphne

Nicole L

Well at least be happy that he hasn't been with her since he has been in a relationship with you. Ok he made a mistake and I am sure he feels guilty about it, but on the other hand I would still be cautious about "her". If she cheated on her husband once I sure she would have no problem doing it again.

letterstoheather

Hi..

You can't control what happened in your boyfriend's past, and this affair-event happened before you were together. He admitted it was a big mistake, and you did mention he seemed embarrassed and ashamed.

We are all only human... and do make mistakes. I'm sure your boyfriend and this woman weren't using their heads during the time they had the affair... sometimes two people have a chemical/physical attraction, and instead of controlling themselves, they do something dumb. I think that, because of your boyfriend's reaction to what you said, he does have a lot of remorse, and realizes it was a huge mistake.

If, on the other hand, he would have become defensive and rationalized the affair, you'd have reason to mistrust him. People who show no remorse, are the ones to watch out for, hon.

If it were me, i'd move forward. And never bring it up again -- let it go, and let the past be what it is -- gone.

If you can't look at him the same anymore, maybe it's because you have some trust issues, and you are basing the present on his past. Maybe you have other, general trust issues, which have nothing to do with this man in particular?

If it were ME i give it some time. You have only been together for 5 months, and it takes a good year or two to really get to know someone else.... believe me, it's true.. i have a lot of life experience, and i can tell you, you will discover things about each other for quite a while.

I would not suggest rushing into marriage, either.... not just with him, but anyone. Take your time... do it for you.

take care too

why ask

Look honey, he said he is remorseful, but he still hung out with her and took you along. You really have to think about this because if you don't think you can forgive and forget things are not going to work. You are always going to have the feeling if he is going to do that again and where and how. You're always going to be asking yourself if you are ever going to find out something else. That is not the way to live. Unless you can actually forgive and forget your relationship is not going to work. I went thru something similar, but during the time my hubby and I split up, we were not married at the time, but we were still talking. We had shared too many things together to just let go very easily. He came clean to me, but we were not together at the time, we had split up. It was not easy, but I forgave him. We got married and for the first year or so I had a very hard time to trust him again and always thinking if he ever thought about her. I'm not sure if I would've been able to forgive him if he would have done it while we were together, but that was not the case. You really have to think about it and decide what is best for you.

Edit: You seem like it hurt you the fact that he didn't respect her marriage and since she didn't either, what makes you think that she is not wanting or trying to do the same thing again with him? He is still going to work around her and see her every day. How does that make you feel?

sillerious

i can (really) understand that its difficult for you. i always say its better not to know certain things about someones past, because people DO and CAN change very much. what i did last year, i wouldnt do this year, we all learn. disgusting is though, that they both sit there with her (poor) husband, thats very very low from both of them and shows they dont even feel bad about what happened. and i, for my part, wouldnt want to sit on a table with a woman my man has slept with, thats just gross and totally disrespectful. that they still have contact would make me want to break and not turn back. once again...poor husband.

daniegirl917

Honestly, given the fact that it happened before you, you have no right to say anything about it. I understand that since he lied about it, you are uncomfortable, however you need to consider that the reason may be because he is ashamed of it happening. Give him the benefit of the doubt here... he seems like he regrets it. Speak to him about his lie to you and make it clear that you will not tolerate that again. Then let it go... and don't bring it up constantly or you will lose him. Good luck

vishoo4all

How can you say he is honest, he only told you when he thought you already know. and He was trying to hide from you all this time.

Leaving him will be wrong, However that woman's husband has right to know the truth, all of you must sit down and discuss this matter, this way they both will not dare to do such thing again, They will ignore each other.

Don't forgive him tht easily, don't talk too much with him for some time and be serious.otherwise he will think you are weak and he will have guts to cheat on you again.

persona

What actually is your problem?

Is it his past which is bothering you?
Is it that he didn't share his dark secrets of his past with you?
Did he lie about this particular woman?
OR
You are just jealous and feeling if she is in his life he might get physical with her again?

Then I am wondering why the hell are you socializing with the woman and her husband? You said that how could they both act like everything was ok knowing what they did? Tell me honestly ain't you doing the same? you know what happened between them and still hanging out with them as if you are ignorant of their relationship. You are making them comfortable by acting ignorant.

Tell you BF that if he wants you in his life he should better stop hanging out with that woman. Why the hell are you tolerating this? Leave such person who can't honor his commitment.

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